Church of the SubGenius Application Form

WHAT THE H E L L DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

It should be painfully obvious by now that the world as we know it won't last too damn much longer. And what are you doing about it? Going to work or school, coming home, goofing around. What will happen to your routine when all the shit comes down on us at once? Don't you feel responsible for trying to help this endangered planet?

No? Good. The fact is, it's too late. There isn't a god-damned thing you as an individual can do about eco-disaster, nuclear death, overpopulation and so on. Things are going to Hell on a fast train and about the only thing you, or anyone else besides the Rockefellers, can do about it is to just sit back and watch the show.

But remember - the End of the World may be much worse and take much longer than you thought. The mere act of sitting at home watching everything fall apart on your TV may be too much for even the stoutest brains to take. In fact, the more alert and intelligent you are, the quicker you'll likely be driven to suicide by the sheer hideousness of what you'll be seing. WILL YOU BE READY?

WILL YOU STLL BE SANE ENOUGH TO LAUGH WHEN "THAT WHICH MUST COME TO PASS," COMES TO PASS? WILL YOU EVER GET SLACK??

Study our SubGenius "literature" closely. Keep it by your toilet and memorize it. If you aren't as dense as most people, you'll be quick to realize that, cheesy scam though it MIGHT WELL BE, the Church of the SubGenius is just about the only organization around that can help you face the god-awful facts without some kind of ingratiating, sweetness-and-light, goody-two-shoes, pollyanna, life-is-a-bowl-of-cherries bullshit. NOT ONLY THAT, but the Church of the SubGenius is beyond the shadow of a doubt THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION. We perform miracles, answer ANY questions, invoke demons, and have a direct etheric hotline to the space god JEHOVAH 1 through our infra-psychic trance-babbling Personal Savior, J. R. "BOB" Dobbs--who is actually a pretty regular guy, just very rich and possessed by forces greater than Man.

The SubGenius material has only recently been made public. This is your chance to get in on the ground floor of a huge, lucrative cult--NOW, while the rates are low, so that you will not only receive the immediate benefits listed on our Application Coupon, but will also be eligible for all the $$$, weird sex, drugs, and sheer POWER OVER OTHERS that go with high-ranking membership in what will probably sweep this unkempt planet in an unstop pable wave of cynical, dangerous power plays, insanely morbid truths and panhandling, zombie-like teenage "followers."

For the sake of what little you still hold dear, we urge you to submit this application so that we may determine if you are worthy to receive the closest thing to salvation you'll ever get a whiff of.

(If you are rich, your money can buy you your own personal Church and Congregation. Write for details.)

"Researching the Public's Fear of the Unknow n Since 1953!"

T H E C H U R C H O F T H E S U B G E N I U S (TM)

P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214

APPLICATION COUPON AND ORDER FORM

Sign Up Now and SAVE $5,000! To the Sacred Scribe of the FisTemple Lodge of the Church of the Subgenius: P.O. Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214, U.S.A.

I have... have not... completed the Application Questionnaire and, if I am found worthy, or even if I am not, I will henceforth consider myself a SubGenius or something like one, such as (fill in if applicble):

$20 for CHURCH MEMBERSHIP & ORDAINMENT

Includes STARK FIST subscription, Pamphlet #1, Catalog, Membership Credentials, orientation materials, posters, documents, stickers, charts, and such privileges which befit priesthood in a secret society of this scope. Includes wallet-sized MEMBERSHIP CARD making you an Ordained SubGenius Minister. !!! This is the only way to get on the permanent mailing list and pierce the shround of secrecy which insulates the cult !!!

$1 for THE SUBGENIUS CATALOG

Books, posters, MEDIA BARRAGE CASSETTE TAPES BEYOND BELIEF, bumper stickers, buttons, T-shirts, gizmos, leaflets. Very detailed, a laff- 'n-salvation riot in its own right.

$3 for SAMPLE STARK FIST OF REMOVAL Magazine

With Facts about Dobbs, Other Mutants, Prescriptures, comics pages, letters, instructions, interviews, dating service, etc. Takes weeks to read.

$1 each for SUBGENIUS PAMPHLET #1

("The World Ends Tomorrow and You MAY DIE") the one 16-page power- packed publication that started it all. So dense with information that many persons have gotten lost in it FOREVER. Superb introductory propaganda and excellent for just leaving randomly in laudromats, restrooms, etc. INSTANT SALVATION FOR ONLY ONE DOLLAR!

$8 each for CASSETTE TAPES

90 Min. each -- stereo -- color. The MEDIA BARRAGE TAPE S, as heard on radio. "Bob" speaks through his Ministers; he speaks to YOU.

Documentary/propagandoid Lessons and Revelations far beyond any present medium .. a TOTALLY NEW GENRE. Good for over 75 close listenings. Fast-paced, dense with shocking juxtapositions, special effects. Makes New Wave even older than it is. Unbelievable sequences from 1) THE REAL WORLD (radio, TV, insane preachers, weird cults), 2) THE LIVE CHURCHES OF THE SUBGENIUS (excerpts from SubGenius radio and TV interviews, sacred trace spouting, revivals, Doktormusick, songs, chants, rants, and preaching), and 3) LURID ENTERTAINMENT (choice clips from horror, porn, bulldada films). Savage; joyful; monstrous. Useful for seductions.

"From a radio standpoint, it's up there with Firesign Theater, Lenny Bruce, Monty Python, Ken Nordine, and The Shaggs. And Jean Shepherd. And Norman Vincent Peale. And ... yes, Dobbs has forever entered our lives and language." -- Irwin Chusid

BRAND NEW TAPES! BEST YET!

10: "REPENT!" (The Conspiracy) 11: "SHUT UP, PINK BOY" (Aliens + Nukes) 12: "SLACK!" + Best SubGenius Radio

$11.00 THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS (Ask for it at any bookstore.)

Published by McGraw-Hill. 200 pages, 8.5x11 large softbound Horror Bible. After this, you'll never have to read another book as long as you live. Contains all answers to everything, plus profuse illustrations and diagrams. Encompasses life of "Bob," entire past and future history of Earth, and all instructions you'll ever need for success, happiness, and psychic wealth in The End Times. BEYOND "HIP" OR "FUNNY;" the "Sistine Chapel" of the 20th Century.

$1.00 STICKERS

Hundreds of little lick-n-stick SubGenius ads and mysterious statements. "Drive your hometown insane." Great for envelopes, toilet walls, etc.

TOTAL ENCLOSED: All prices include postage. Outside USA - ADD $2

Caution! Warning! Disclaimer!

Because the SubGenius inner mysteries, dark rites, abhorrent rituals, loathsome secrets and repugnant initiations reach into the so-called "evil" and "conspiratorial" realms as well as the ordinary, un forbidden sciences and magicks, they must never be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. There are some things Man was not meant to own, especially Regular Man; while the use of SubGenius concepts and tools may be informative, amusing, and effective in gaining Something for Nothing, THEY ARE NOT TOYS.

I therefore swear that I am at least 18 years of age and, furthermore, that I will keep private all reading matter, taped discourses, graven images, and other cult secrets. If I do not uphold this ancient trust I am prepared to meet the Stark Fist of Removal.

SIGNED:

PRINT YOUR NAME AND MAILING ADDRESS:

Name(s): __________________________________

Address: __________________________________

City-State and Zip: _______________________

MAIL TODAY!

No obligation. No Salesmen.

The Church of the SubGenius P.O. Box 140306

Dallas, TX 75214

USA

Make check or money order to:

The SubGenius Foundation, Inc.

Money back if not satisfied.

The Church of the SubGenius

APPLICATION QUESTIONNAIRE

Don't spend too long on any one question, and don't answer any if you think they're in bad taste, which they may indeed be. Use a seperate page if necessary. Or else just blow off this whole questionnaire. (Watch the Newsletter for compiled results. Don't worry -- your name won't be used.)

Have you been getting any lately? _____________________

How are you? _____________________

Age: _____________________

Sex: _____________________

Color of skin, if any: _____________________

Occupation: _____________________

Monthly Earnings: _____________________

Childhood Religion: _____________________

Previous Mystic Groups: _____________________

Name a couple of your favorite types or creators of:

MOVIES, TV: __________________________________________

MUSIC: __________________________________________

BOOKS: __________________________________________

MAGS: __________________________________________

Other favorite things, hobbies: _____________________

Somewhere on this sheet, draw a simple pic of you, God, and your ego.

When you die, where will you go? _____________________

By what means would you most like to die? _____________________

How and when, if ever, do you think the world will "end" or change drastically? __________________________________________

The future will be [__] fun [__] not so fun [__] pretty much like it is now.

Name the three most fearsome things you think face the U.S.:

_____________________ _____________________ _____________________

Describe yourself in a few carefully chosen words: _____________________

Current Short Duration Personal Saviors, if any: _____________________

What makes you think you're a SubGenius, huh? What's the deal here? Just what do you have to say for yourself?

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________

YES or NO Questions

Simply put a Y or N after each question, or SO for 'sort of'

Do you sometimes look back at yourself 3 or 4 years ago and think, "God, what a jerk?" ____

Do you hear voices muttering in your head, faint and indistinct? ____

Do you use credit cards irresponsibly in hopes of later payment? ____

Do you get messages from space beamed into your skull? ____

Are you a 'packrat,' do you hoard material goods you'll probably never use? ____

Do you enjoy filing, stacking, re sorting them? ____

Would you love to go looting during a riot? ____

Do you worry about your brain? ____

Do you dream of controlling the world? ____

When you were a child, did you torture small animals and bugs? ____

Do you find it utterly impossible to comprehend the opposite sex? ____

Do you get psychosomatic headaches? ____

Does your temper stay dormant most of the time, only to suddenly explode into quasi-insane rage? ____

Do you like to drive fast as hell, with your car stereo cranked up all the way? ____

Do you often 'tune out' the world while concentrating? ____

Do you feel you "march to the beat of a drunken drummer? ____

Do you forget where you just put things? ____

Do you catch yourself shooting off at the mouth? ____

Do you sometimes want to fire a deer rifle into your TV? ____

Do you often lie when the truth would suffice? ____

Do you blurt out well-meant but uncouth statements and then immediately regret it? ____

Do you sometimes smash the shit out of your finger when using a hammer? ____

Do you have spells during which you are pissed off or depressed for what you later decide was no good reason? ____

Would you really rather sit around and watch TV than go out?____

Do you deliberately work at an honest but menial job, even though you could be making big $$$ as an ass-kissing executive? ____

Do you look down on those who would rather do idiot labor or go on the dole than try to achieve, as you have done? ____

Are you fairly well assured that you're smarter than the average gazooba? ____

Do you get fixated on one amusing little activity and then 'go at it,' day and night? ____

Are you scientific rather than superstitious? ____

Do you avoid looking too closely at beautiful 13 year old girls? ____ Boys? ____

When you get impatient with an inanimate object, do you tear it all to shit? ____

At night at home alone, are you sometimes convinced that Charles Manson is in your closet? ____

Do you instinctively imitate dialects and mannerisms when describing a scene? ____

Do certain textures or noises make your skin crawl? ____

Do you often stay up all night? ____

Does money 'burn a hole in your pocket?' ____

Does everything seem a little unreal to you? ____

Do you have certain secrets that no one else knows? ____

Have you ever had a psychic experience? ____

Seen a UFO? ____

Do you let jobs stack up, rationalizing that you work better under pressure? ____

Does disorder in your work area drive you nuts? ____

Do you spout broad genera lizations on subjects about which you know little or nothing? ____

Do you find human folly amusing? ____

Do you live in your own little world? ____

Do you like to go out at night with friends, being rowdy and disturbing the peace, drinking and terrorizing citizens? ____

Do you get all cranked up and make elaborate plans that will never come off in a million years? ____

Do you always need to fart during the most solemn occasions? ____

When you see someone in pain or discomfort do you laugh, or want to? ____

Married? ____ Divorced? ____

Do you have enough Slack? ____

Do you recognize the necessity for law and order? ____

Do you like your job/school/chores? ____

Paid enough? ____

In general, do you really give a shit? ____

Do you read much? ____

Watch the news much? ____

Do you compulsively read any inane thing (labels, ads) that happens to be within vision? ____

Do you sometimes get the impression that EVERYBODY of the opposite (or otherwise desired) sex is repulsed by you? ____

If we invaded little countries or fought Russian with N-bombs, would you coddle draft dodgers? ____

Would you get the fuck out of the country? ____

Do people consider you odd? ____

Do you have different personalities according to who you're talking to? ____

Do you sometimes make faces, sing, twitch, etc. for no sane reason? ____

Would you just as soon let others make the tedious decisions? ____

Do you behave differently with family than with friends? ____

Does everything always take twice as long and cost twice as much as you thought it would? ____

Are you always late? ____

Do you easily 'blow things off' and procrastinate? ____

Is today's youth more fucked up than the previous generation? ____

Do you clown around a lot? ____

Do your face and voice change grotesquely when you get excited? ____

Do you ignore your health for long periods? ____

Do you sometimes get all 'spaced out' and 'dingy' for no apparent reason? ____

Do you feel paranoia about people watching you and laughing at you? ____

Do you ever dream you are in elementary school, and you suddenly notice you are wearing no pants? ____

When you were a little kid, if you tapped the left side of your chair a few times, did you then feel compelled to tap the right side of your chair an exactly equal number of times? ____

Do you sometimes go out beating up strangers? ____

Do you occasionally shoplift 'in revenge?' ____

Do you go on drug binges occasionally? ____

Are you more or less cheerful around others? ____

Do you sometimes think you should 'quit?' ____

Do you or did you do lousy things to your elders, just to bug them? ____

Every now and then, do you tie up blind amputee women and indulge in mud sports, canings, and Tasmanian Culture? ____

Do you have an phobias, fears, compulsions? ____

Do you sometimes dwell morbidly on things like sickness, world problems, death, drugs, pain, perversion? ____

Are you even slightly sick in the head? ____

Do you sometimes fret irrationally over friends and loved ones? ____

Do you actually FEAR "Bob" at times? ____

Do you figure there's a big depression on the way? ____

Do you think the aliens will stop us from destroying ourselfs? ____

Do you often dream about a post-holocaust world in which you are top caveman? ____

Have you lost pretty much ALL faith in the government? ____

Do you bite into an apple and then worry about the weird, chemical taste on the skin? ____

Do you use our nation's President as a scapegoat? ____

Do you think justice can be 'bought?' ____

Do you instinctively feel that all public figures are liars? ____

Do you automatically dislike members of strange religious cults? ____

When you get home from work, would you just as soon watch some cheap, stupid entertainment as more educational fare? ____

Do certain 'types' of people get under your skin? ____

Does it irritate the hell out of you to see writers use cliches? ____

Do you fall madly in love, ALL THE TIME? ____

CIRCLE THE ANSWERS WHICH APPLY:

Which of the following words describe YOU?

City person; country person; suburbanite; hetero, homo, bi, omni-, or a-sex ual; "good;" "bad;" sensitive; tough; frustrated; satisfied; athletic; healthy; ill; wimp; sane; half-cocked; insane; absent-minded; alert; friendly; cagey; sullen; antisocial; goofy; a funny person in conversation; tired; energetic; nervous; loose; lively; a wallflower; quiet; loud; blue collar; white collar; no collar; talented; untalented; intellectual; no-bullshit; moody; weird; normal; depressed; manic; neurotic; psychotic; renegade; aggressive; subdued; nice; grouchy; optimistic; cynical; pessi mistic; smart; stupid; in-between; genius; crafty; shitty; nowhere; rich; middle-class; poor; handicapped; macho; educated; uneducated; overeducated; and finally, are you an EMERGENTILE, a REWARDIAN, or merely a MEDIOCRETIN?

Which of the following 'phenomena' do you more or less believe in? UFOs; astrology; telepathy; precognition; telekinesis; psychic healing; pyramid power; ancient astronauts; 'ghosts;' trance revelations; Atlantis/ Mu/etc.; Bigfoot-type creatures; the Loch Ness monster; none above; OTHERS:

The world condition these days is: bad; good; funny; as expected.

Right now, you would like to have more:

Time; money; friends; sex; alcohol; tobacco; marijuana; stimulants; narcotics; depressants; hallucinogens; clothes; brains; OTHER:

LECTURES! REVIVALS! IN YOUR TOWN!

You can book Rev. Ivan Stang (with SUBGENIUS FILMS) for your campus, club, church, theater, or "gallery." Stang and Dr. Philo Drummond will do radio talk shows (by phone or in person), and Stang will do TV.

YES!!

I enclose $5 and two questions for DOBBS!

PRIMANIMAL SUBGENIUS J.R. ''BOB'' DOBBS, HIGH EPOPT OF THE CHURCH, is the only Psychic Media Adept on this planet who has passed all of the Illuminati Corporation's most stringent tests for ectosplasmodic manifes- tations, precognition, telepathy, and telekinesis. As a trance medium he is unparallelled, being the main vocal tool on Earth of countless discorporate spirits, demons, dear departed on the Otherside, crazed gurs, and conquerors of ancient history, alien space intelligences of several origins, saints and mystics (including Cerinthus the Mad Gnostic, actual author of the Book of Revelation), godlike entities from all eight planes of the Beforelife, and -- certainly the most crucial of all -- Dobbs is finally the somnambulant voice-box of JEHOVAH 1 THE GODD OF WRATH, jealous and vengeful alien Manipulator of the Old Testament. As a "Sleeping Healer," the Epopt conspires with Jehovah 1 to synchronize his Nental life with the vast Archive worknet of cosmic, deceased shamans, witch doctors and medicine men -- the ancient Masters of all the world's peoples.

A descendant of many great psychics, ''Bob'' began using his gifts for financial gain at the age of 6. He has worked as a mind-breaker for the government and has more recently built a fortune as Psychic Salesman for a multnational cartel (which, like so many other intriguing aspects of Dobbs' life, must remain secret).

To get your money's worth in psychic consultation, Dobbs needs nothing more than 1) your questions, and 2) something you have touched -- a five dollar bill, for instance, or a blank check (which must bear your signature for the Nental life vibrational 'psi-stench' to be readable by Dobbs) -- these have been found to bring the most fruitful predictions, diagnoses, instructions, descripti ons of past lives, etc. Simply send your question and "offering" with this coupon to THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS and you will soon receive in the mail such past life readings and personal revelations ABOUT YOURSELF as you could never have imagined in y our WILDEST NIGHTMARES. And don't forget to sigh the disclaimer! It must be signed before any reading will be performed:

Mr. Dobbs is endowed with powers of extrasexual persuasion as well as all ranges of ESP. Although ''Bob's'' accuracy has be en questioned by previous "clients," no SacraMentallist can claim infallibility. With Dobbs, especially, it is only a matter of time before he falters; he is farther from so-called 'perfection' than most of us could be if we worked at it. Therefore ''Bob,'' his associates, promoters, employees, sponsors, agents, followers, and writers must and do disclaim all liability to all persons, firms, or corporations who act or rely upon ESP impressions given by word of mouth, telephone, correspondence, film , tape, or hologram recording now or in the ... the future.

Signed: