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SubGenius Sources #3 - The World Ends Tomorrow and
[SUBG_03.TXT]
SUBGENIUS SOURCES #3
Third of an occasional series
THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW AND YOU MAY DIE!
[In the troubled early years of the last decade, a voice for
truth, justice, and the SubGenius way shone forth in the
darkness of cultural idiocy...the voice of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs.
Some scoffed and said "Bob" wasn't real, that he was just the
twisted creation of some asocial, maladjusted jesters from
Texas, but those of us who heard his voice, REALLY heard his
voice, I mean heard his voice like an icepick in the pineal
gland, knew better than to listen to "normal folk."
Round about 1980 (a significant year...count the number of
letters in "Ronald", "Wilson", and "Reagan") a curious pamphlet
entitled "The World Ends Tomorrow And You May Die!" began to
appear in various alternative publications and at selected
laundromats. Since then, America has blown its economy all to
hell, gotten itself into several wars and "police actions",
chipped away at what little remains of its individual liberties,
jumped feet-first into an era of rampant greed and social
apathy, and endured the onslaught of the seven-headed beast
called "New Kids On The Block." Coincidence? You be the judge.
The following is the more or less complete text of "The World
Ends Tomorrow And You May Die!" Since the original relies
heavily on its clip-art-laden graphic style for whatever
continuity it possesses, don't be surprised if things seem jumpy
and discontinuous at first...it's the magic fingers of
"BullDada" worming their way into your socially-conditioned
self. Relax and enjoy...mind rape was never this fun.]
[SubGenius Sources is a series of textfiles intended for those
who wish to learn, or expand their knowledge of, the Church of
the SubGenius. Praise "Bob!"]
REPENT! QUIT YOUR JOB! S L A C K O F F !!!
THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW AND YOU MAY DIE!
Well, no, probably not, but now we have snared your eyes and you
must not throw this baroquely cheesy pamphlet away before you
ask yourself what may be the most important questions of your
life.
ARE WE CONTROLLED BY SECRET FORCES?
ARE ALIEN SPACE MONSTERS BRINGING A STARTLING NEW WORLD?
DO PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE STRANGE? DO YOU?
...then you may be on the right track!
"Unpredictables" are not alone and may possess amazing hidden
powers of their own!
ARE YOU ABNORMAL? THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY B E T T E R THAN MOST
PEOPLE! YES! YOUR KIND SHALL TRIUMPH!
If you are what they call "different" --
If you think we're entering a new Dark Ages --
If you see the Universe as one vast morbid sense of humor --
If you are looking for an _inherently bogus_ religion that will
condone superior degeneracy and tell you that you are "above"
everyone else --
If you can help us with a donation --
Then THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS COULD SAVE YOUR SANITY!
("You'd PAY to know what you REALLY think." -- Dobbs, 1961)
FEELING LIKE THERE'S JUST NO SLACK?
You may have 'snapped' already from the information disease!
("The sleep of Reason begets monsters.")
The Church of the SubGenius recognizes the programming!
Look to the High Unpredictables of the SubGenius FisTemple Lodge
of the Wrath of Jehovah for pancultural deprogramming and
resynchronization!
Perfect your subliminimal vision -- edit your memory -- relive
your reincarnality! SYNCH UP!
A SPAZZ-CHURCH OF MACHO IRONY!!!
This is the original Time Control program that has helped
thousands to fear no longer the STARK FIST of REMOVAL.
Become physically attractive -- overnight!
Now you, too, can speak to benevolent aliens at the Alter of
X-ist Contact. Learn Frame Straightening, Body Repair, Gripe
Elaboration, Excremeditation, the Essentials of Survival, Frenzy
Techniques, FunkQu, and TIME CONTROL. Attend End o' the World
Drills and Chance Labs. Learn to 'Tenlike, evaluate the
so-called "accidents" and "coincidences" in your timestream.
Perform long, complicated rites of initiation and rituals of
Communionication. Accultate yourself to the Church, where you
will be isolated, given a new diet, a new set of habits, and an
altered label and appearance. The new void in your brain-pan
will be filled with corrected info and subconsciously implanted
ritual experiences. Follow your FOLLIES and COMPULSIONS and
become rich like us.
Explore the "Zen" of stupidity! Channel chronic procrastination
into life-saving paranoia and precise anality! MAKE WASTE!
Find out who your personal saviors may be and who are the false
prophets in your life!
YES, YOU MAY BE THE SUBGENIUS, MASTER OF THE STOOGELY ARTS!
Perform The Salute! The most 'NO WAY' new age religion of them
all!! Brain-Trust of our species!!
Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now
MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking,
lethargizing, overeating, insomnia, the inability to take drugs,
constipation, old age, sex and money problems, baldness,
illness, the Work Instinct, assouliness, and painful shortage of
SLACK!
This is a certified religion of scorn and vengeance directed at
all of THEM, the enemies of us Outsiders. It is "self-help"
through scoffing and blaspheming, frenzied fornication, and the
Tumping of Graven Images. The Church provides answers and
miracles in the service of SUREAVOLUTION.
("Ignore the Man behind the curtain" -- Oz)
The Church of the SubGenius is the ultimate secret order, the
superior brain cult for those who "know better" but who demand
in their LUST for GRINS a spectacular, special-effects-laden
belief system -- a 'stuporstition.'
The Goal: SLACK
The Method: The Casting Out of False Prophets
The Weapon: Time Control
The Motto: "Fuck Them If They Can't Take A Joke."
This religion, devised by precise mathematical formulae, weirder
than the most obscure UFO/Atlantis cults, is invaluable to all
superior renegades who, at any time, are justifiably on the edge
of insanity and can be made whole only by developing a seventh
sense of BLUDGEON HUMOR.
************************************************************
THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION HEALS RUINED MEMBERS OF A CRUMBLING
*************************SOCIETY!***************************
Here what just a few have to say....
"An inspiration. A paean to the marvels of the universe. A
blessing from...God? The perfect excuse for white-collar crime."
"I am in high school, and I guess you'd call me a 'brain.' A lot
of the lumpen proletariat (kickers, jocks, freaks) give 'worms'
like myself a difficult time. The fact that I'm overweight and
have skin problems doesn't help, as you can imagine. But your
philosophy, "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" is just what
I've needed. I use the secret SubGenius Subliminimal "Jest"
commands in my daily conversation, too, and I've lately noticed
that many of the physical toughs who harass me are showing new
respect -- even though they can't seem to figure out why! I
think you've helped me instill some superstitious fear of higher
intelligence into their dense crania!"
"When I was told at the lecture that I would receive my most
urgent desires just by chanting your Mantria, I was frankly
dubious. I thought your Church was just for laughs. I never
realized how serious my problems really were. However, now I
can't understand why my friends scoff at my close personal
relationship with "Bob" even though I have yet to meet him. He
is a big force in all my decisions."
"I too lack slack and so do most of my friends. An enlightened
friend of mine told me about the SubGenius Foundation and what
it did for him. Before you helped him, he was begging nickels
and dimes on the street and sleeping in gutters. Now he is Hugh
Hefner's right hand man. I understand that you will help me like
you helped him if I will donate a dollar per pamphlet to your
Foundation."
"At night my husband reads sections of your Lessons to the
children just before bedtime. The kids love it. Tommy isn't
hyperactive anymore, at least it doesn't seem like it."
"Since my wife died I have thought I was going crazy, or senile.
Your material helps me deal with this and exploit my
intermittent loss of mind. I'm 89 and I agree, let's have more
SLACK! (The profanity I could do without, but I understand, you
have to reach the young people too.)"
"You make it seem like a joke, but it really isn't, is it? I
feel I can read your mind while I'm reading it, it makes more
sense between the lines than most of the books do right on the
lines that are serious. Whew."
*****************************************************************
***************************************************************
WHAT THE H E L L DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING????
****************************************************************
****************************************************************
It should be painfully obvious by now that the world as we know
it won't last too damn much longer. And what are you doing about
it? Going to work or school, coming home, goofing around. What
will happen to your routine when all the shit comes down on us
at once? Don't you feel responsible for trying to help this
endangered planet?
No? Good. The fact is, it's too late. There isn't a god-damned
thing you as an individual can do about eco-disaster, nuclear
death, overpopulation, and so on. Things are going to Hell on a
fast train and about the only thing you, or anyone else besides
the Rockefellers, can do about it is to just sit back and watch
the show,
But remember -- the End of the World may be much worse and take
much longer than you thought. The mere act of sitting in your
home and watching everything fall apart on TV may be too much
for even the stoutest brains to take. In fact, the more alert
and intelligent you are, the quicker you'll likely be driven to
suicide by the sheer hideousness of what you'll be seeing. WILL
YOU BE READY?
WILL YOU STILL BE SANE ENOUGH TO LAUGH WHEN THAT WHICH MUST COME
TO PASS, COMES TO PASS? WILL YOU E V E R GET S L A C K ??
Study our SubGenius "literature" closely. Keep it by your toilet
and memorize it. If you aren't as dense as most people, you'll
be quick to realize that, cheesy scam though it might well be,
the Church of the SubGenius is just about the only organization
around that can help you face the god-awful facts without some
sort of ingratiating, sweetness-and-light, goody-two-shoes,
Pollyanna, life-is-a-bowl-of-cherries bullshit. Not only that,
but the Church of the SubGenius is beyond the shadow of a doubt
THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION. We perform miracles, answer any
question, invoke demons, and have a direct etheric hotline to
space god Jehovah 1 through our infra-psychic trance-babbling
Personal Savior, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs -- who is actually a pretty
regular guy, just very rich and possessed by forces greater than
Man.
The SubGenius material has only recently been made public. This
is your chance to get in on the ground floor of a huge,
lucrative cult -- NOW, while rates are low, so that you will not
only receive the immediate benefits listed on our Application
Coupon, but will also be eligible for all the $$$, weird sex,
drugs, and sheer power over others that go with high-ranking
membership in what will probably sweep this unkempt planet in an
unstoppable wave of cynical, dangerous power plays, insanely
morbid truths and panhandling, zombie-like teenage "followers."
For the sake of what little you still hold dear, we urge you to
submit this application so that we may determine if you are
worthy to receive the closest thing to salvation you'll ever get
a whiff of.
(If you are rich, your money can buy you your own personal
Church and Congregation. Write for details.)
[Those who are feeling adventurous may try writing the Church of
the SubGenius @ PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214 USA.
My best advice is not to send any money you're not willing to
give away until you find out if the address is still valid, and
if the "operation" is still around. Hope you enjoyed this
classic piece of Rant Lit. Praise "Bob!"
Pnin July 1992]
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