Revelation on the Way of the Rat

by The Compulsive Splicer

The Revelation unto Saint Splicer

I put pen to paper here to introduce you to the Way of the Rat. My experiences below will help you understand more clearly the universe, and our part within it. We see ourselves as small and powerless and invent gods that are large and powerful. I come unto you to dispell these myths, that we all may see ourselves as we truly are. I write to you a myth that has substance as strong as the myths we have come to know through the teachings of our forebearers, but comes through a truth far more important than the petty truths of human myth. It all began...

As I slept one warm night in June many years ago, I was sent a vision, the likes of which I had never laid my eyes upon, and Lords above and below willing, may never lay my eyes upon again. It came upon me as a dream, but with such lucidity I have never experienced. I was lost in the Great Abyss of darkness, no footing below nor ceiling above. I had no means to propel myself forward or back, and no means to determine the proper path had I been able to throw myself away from the spot I inhabited. I was unable even to see my hand in front of my face, although I could most clearly feel and control my movements. A most hideous mocking laughter filled my ears, and it was difficult to think clearly for the sound of it.

I was naked but not cold as I thrashed about fitfully in vain attempt to remove myself from this loathsome place. My efforts were fruitless and I found myself even more misdirected than I had began; I could not remember to right myself to the position I had begun in, and may have turned completely upside-down four or five times, or even more, before I came to rest, exhausted. The laughter rang on from all directions, amused at my attempts, if it was indeed myself that it was intended for.

"Fiends!" I cried, "Devils! What would you have me do? Why do you mock and jeer at my plight?" The laughing doubled in volume. The creatures found me very entertaining. But then a word came to my lips, that I had never spoken before, but which you are now familiar with. I whispered simply, "Omnibot."

The silence rang out. My malefactors were apparanly stunned to the bone, and the laughing ceased immediately.

A strong, deep voice, but one filled with awe and hesitation asked of me, "What dost thou seek, traveller? and why needst thou invoke the Evil Ones?" I was not impressed by the respect that I had not been granted as a lost soul, and though I still was helpless and naked, I said again, more loudly, the word that I knew not the meaning of, that had shocked the fiends into silence not but a moment ago. I spoke clearly from my throat, "Omnibot."

A chorus of startled gasps rose from my newfound audience. Several voices pleaded with me to stop, others found voice to threaten me. But seeing that they were powerless to carry out their threats, I spoke out again, "Omnibot," and something inside of me added onto that, "Two thousand."

There was a great screaming of unknown terror as I completed my words, and a wind rose from my body in all directions. I found it difficult to breathe for one short moment, and then the screaming faded, down to the barest whisper. I remained angered despite my surprise, but the transpirations of the next moment caused me almost to forget the voices, I was so overwhelmed.

An illumination came over the space, like the light of a strong lamp through a very thick fog. I squinted through the fog to see two small figures approaching me upon all fours. As they moved near to me, I could make out that they had a form not unlike rabbits; and when they spoke they spoke in unison with voices like thousands of tiny bells modulated to create human voice: "Hello, traveller. We have come to show you The Way. We apologise for taking you from your sleep unawares, but there is much to be done and so little time... so little time."

"But what is happening?" I cried, "and why am I in this land without any land? And..."

"Silence!" They chastised, and the harshness of their voices set me aback, "You must follow our instruction if you are to find The Way." I spoke no more.

"You will be shown things none have been allowed to see before, and none will be allowed to see again. When you return to your life, you will be the wiser for your travelling. You will be given a new name to preach the knowledge imparted to you, and you will keep your old name so that you may walk among the mortals without fear."

"Why have I been chosen for..."

"You must learn to control yourself," they spoke firmly, but without menace. I was silent. "All will be revealed in time. You must go to find the path, but fear not, for the power of the Pigs That Once Walked goes with you, and you shall be protected from harm."

I let their words sink in and found gravity beneath my feet. I fell away from the light, away from the Twin Rabbits, into the ever-darkening void below me.

I awoke with a start. I was in a room with a man who looked very familiar. He looked at me with loving eyes. His shaggy hair was hidden under a white cloth wrapped around his head in the manner of Aunt Jemima's bandana, but with the knot in the back, and he had a thin beard. He wore a flowing off-white robe and spoke very gently: "Welcome."

"Where am I?" I asked, aware immediately of the obviousness of the question.

The man smiled and offered me a cup of hot tea with some sugar. I gratefully accepted and sipped at it. He spoke again. "I am here to show you the way to the path you seek. This is a place we can call paradise, if you wish, but we will tarry here only as long as it takes you to replenish yourself." He reached into a small bag and produced several large toadstools. He gave me three and told me to eat. I put them in my mouth and chewed. They had little taste at all, and had a consistency somwhat between Elmer's glue and chalk dust. I swallowed, and took a gulp of tea. I watched as he placed the smaller of the mushrooms into a chamber at the top of a flask filled with a green fluid. He put a candle to the chamber and inhaled on a long piece of tube. When his lungs were filled, he motioned for me to do the same.

I did, and handed the flask back to him when my lungs were filled. He handed me a cigarette and I put it behind my ear. As I exhaled the smoke that had come from the green-water flask, the man spoke.

"You have passed from your place of origin, through the Great Abyss, where you were confronted by a horde of the Screaming Lifeforms. They are petty creatures that do little else but try their very best to annoy and upset any other creature they can, including those from their own ranks. They are basically powerless to those who know what they truly are. One of the Fossil Pigs bade you to speak the words you did, and sent to you the Evil Twin Bunnies to dispatch the Screaming Lifeforms and direct you to me. You can call upon the Evil Twin Bunnies at any time when you are in conflict with the Screaming Lifeforms, for that is their purpose; The Evil Twin Bunnies were created by the collective power of the Fossil Pigs solely to destroy the Screaming Lifeorms."

"Why are they named Evil?" I asked as I took the cigarette from behind my ear. I lighted it with the candle as he continued.

"It is a joke."

"A joke?" I nearly swallowed the cigarette as I interrupted my new friend.

"Yes. The Fossil Pigs believe that there is no absolute good or evil. Thus they named their creations in opposition to their own beliefs of the nature of the creation. The Screaming Lifeforms agree with their given name," he laughed and pulled more smoke from the flask. He handed it over to me and I inhaled as he continued, the smoke bubbling through the green liquid and up into my lungs. "Now I should not tell you any more than this. There are many gods in the universe, some more powerful than others. The Fossil Pigs are but nine of an uncountable number of gods. You have been chosen to spread the word of the Fossil Pigs, and find for yourself the Way. I cannot show you the Way, and it would do you little good if I could. You have a long journey ahead of you. Do you feel strong?"

I nodded although truthfully I was more than slightly overwhelmed. My host stood up, and for the first time, I got a good look at his hands. There were half-inch diameter holes in each palm, through all the way so one could see the light of day through them. I must have gasped, as he put his hands behind his back. He led me to a doorand gave me the cloth from his head. "Wear this at all times; it is my gift to you. You must go now, and unfortunately I cannot come with you. But wear this upon your head and remember what we have spoken of. Fear not, for although you are mortal, the gods you will meet have little more power than you. Their displays may be ostentatious, but they can do little to harm you unless many of them work in concert, as the Fossil Pigs do. And gods are not generally like-minded; They will combine forces to accomplish things very rarely. Now go, and may the Fossil Pigs bless you mightily!"

The doorway opened for me to pass. I looked at my host and he gestured with his head for me to enter, his hair flowing down onto his shoulders now. I bade him farewell and left.

As I stepped through the doorway, My senses reeled with the realization that I was where I did not belong. I had entered into a grand hall, decorated richly with a milky pearlescent metal that produced a light evenly about the hall. All around the hall were creatures of different sizes and shapes. They seemed to be arguing amongst themselves, and despite the formality of the great hall, their behavior was downright crude and uncivilized. I saw a cube of Jell-o in a heated arguement with an old man with a long white beard. I saw something that looked straight out of a Lovecraft novel wearing a tuxedo who seemed to be making a pass at a clamshell. There were so many strange and different things in this hall that I can not begin to describe them here.

I did make the realization that disturbed me: these things were the gods of the universe, or some of them, if they were truly uncountable. There was a loud pounding, and the gods fell quiet. A voice told me to sit and there was a boy in an usher's cap pointing to a sign that read "No Smoking in the hall." The boy showed me an ash can and then took me to an empty seat where I would have a view of what was to come. I sat and a loud voice boomed out through the hall:

"Let the meeting come to order." There was, far on the other side of the hall, a very tall two-legged thing, but with many arms, holding a gavel in one hand. It appeared to be male, and had the head of a beautiful young man, almost androgynous in his beauty. He fixed his eyes on me for a moment, and whispered something to a being at the next table, who whispered back into his ear. He stood straight again, and looked again at me, then smiled and went on with the business of gods.

I do not understand what went from there. They used language I did not understand, but that seemed to be english to me, as if I was at a meeting of neurosurgeons, where english was being spoken, but where words flew around my head as if it were greek.

The beautiful god with the many arms said something that made another upset, and it commenced to stand out on the floor of the hall, shouting accustions and insults. The hall shook with its insults as it stood proudly in the center of the floor, its long mane of black hair being brushed from its face periodically. It broke into a long rhetoric, at the end of which it paused, and the whole hall shook with the thundrous silence. The beautiful, many-armed one looked tired and displeased. He adjourned the meeting, and the gods of the universe began to disappear, some bidding the others farewell, some removing themselves without a word, until there were only myself, the many-armed beautiful one, and the god on the floor, who had now turned away from the beautiful god so that I could now see him more clearly. His face held a look of sheer malice; it was a human face, very pale and thin. He wore a jacket of highly polished leather, with low boots to match. A dark grey shirt was buttoned to the collar, and he wore well- tailored black trousers. A large ruby was upon a finger of his left hand. He spun upon his heel and shouted at the fair-eyes god in a language I did not recognize. The floor shook mightily, and the chairs and tables around the hall bounced up and down nervously.

The many armed one spoke, his face expressionless but his voice thundrous. Again, nothing I could hear was recgnized as any human language. The dark-haired one rose his arms quickly, and the floor split beneath his feet. A horde of things like armadillos with leathery wings sprang up around his feet, which were now floating where the floor once had been.

"Just like you to cause property damage," The many armed one said, and the split ceased to grow. The armadillo beasts flew around the beautiful god, biting at him and defecating upon him. He swatted at them with his many arms, sending them flying across the hall. I was cowering now in the corner, watching from behind a table that I hoped would shield me from flying armadillos. The many armed one reached out with one sinewy arm and snatched an armadillo beast from the air, and threw it at the dark haired one. It disappeared entirely before it could strike its master, squealing as it dissolved into thin air. This infuriated the pale one, and he shouted obscenities rapidly. The swarm of armadillos converged at once upon the beautiful one, covering him entirely. I, remembering what I had been told, ventured near the crack in the floor of the hall, and looked down. The chasm seemed to go forever into darkness. The ground shook again and I fell into the crack.

I fell for several minutes, screaming at first, but noting that I may fall for all eternity without hitting anything, I commenced to watch the walls of the chasm. Just as complete boredom was about to set in, a rush of hot air came from beneath, and my descent was slowed. I looked down into the hot wind and saw a floor approaching. The wind grew in intensity as I fell, slowly stopping my descent. I fell into a heap of garbage bags.

Looking around, I saw I had come into an alleyway. There was no chasm above me anymore. I stood and brushed myself off. A swarm of armadillo creatures flew down from above and then swooped up to avoid the ground. I heard a thud behind me, and swirled around to find the pale, dark haired one, cursing and spitting. He saw me looking at him and greeted me, bowing deeply at the waist.

"Good afternoon," he said, "welcome to the City with no Sun. You're the Traveller, I presume." I nodded dumbly and he continued, "Well, we'll have to get you some clothes if you're to find your way around. Here, for the moment, take my jacket..." He slid out of the jacket and I thanked him, finding that the jacket was long enough that it covered my nakedness. "Come with me. I am... oh, shit. Who am I?"

"What can you mean?" I asked, trying to be polite, "how can you not know who you are?"

He smiled sardonically at me and said "I have many names. I am trying to think of one you may know me as..." His brow knitted for a moment and then his visage brightened. "Ah, yes... Lux Adferre, I believe? My latin is a little rusty... No." he said, "what was their name for the morning star? That planet?"

I suggested Venus, and he waved it away... "No, no that's what you call it... well, shit. Just call me Nick. That's what everyone calls me, here... Do you have a name, traveller?" I told him my name and he said, "Ah, well, that will have to be changed. Tell me, how did you come to Our City?"

I told him of watching the battle and of falling into the crack in the floor. "Oh!" he exclaimed, "Very sorry. I would have arranged a tour for you if you'd just said something." He laughed. "Yeah, what an uptight bastard. He probably would have shown you around some boring place. But come! we have places to see and people to meet! And," he added, "we have to find you something to wear. Where did you get that cloth on your head... It looks like something the Nazerene would wear."

I told him that I thought that it was. Nick looked surprised. We climbed into his car, which was parked nearby, a cherry red Alfa convertable, with its top down, and he said, "I never thought to see it again. He and I haven't been on very friendly terms ever since that thing with the crucifix... he never could take a joke." He started the car and we drove through the streets.

The architecture in this City With No Sun was like nothing I had ever seen. Fantastic towers spiralled up into the sky; walkways went across my vision miles up. But the streets were like any other city, although the inhabitants all were similar to my new host. Tall, thin, pale, with hair that cascaded down to their shoulders in dark, straight locks. Many looked at me with hungry eyes, although they were clearly no danger to me in the car.

"Are these all Gods in your city?" I asked.

"Oh, no... These are my subjects, my children..." Nick laughed a short laugh, "although they are most certainly immortal. This is a city of... how do you say? Blood-drinkers." He looked over at me, smiling.

I must have blanched for he continued immediately, "Oh, worry not... you will come to no harm here, as long as you are my guest. None of these," He waved a pale hand out at the world around us, "would dare."

We came to a small store, where my host parked, and we went inside. He picked clothes out for me, guaging my sizes with a keen eye, and bought for me the most elegant of silks to clothe myself in, all black and red, but suggested that I keep the cloth on my head. He said that it was "fitting." When we left, he asked the purpose of my travelling. I said that I was to "Find the Way."

"What way?" asked he.

"I couldn't say," said I, "The way of the Fossil Pigs, perhaps... perhaps just The Way."

"Well, I must then show you The Way. It is written somewhere that a Traveller would come here, and join two rats with each other. If you can do this, then it is your destiny to find your way. But be warned, that it may be only your way home..."

I nodded and we drove to a large mansion, a victorian building three stories high, but as long almost, as the eye could see. This was Nick's abode, and as we entered, servants approached us bringing wine and fruit. "Some friends of mine will be here soon. And they perhaps will entertain you. In the meantime," He disappeared into another room for a moment, and came back with two large rats, "We will see if you are the traveller that was written of, wherever it was that I read it"

I looked at the rats in his hands. They were each the size of a small cat. He offered them to me, and they squirmed in my grasp, although I held two fingers beneath each one's chin so that they would not be able to bite me. I looked at them, and wondered how I was supposed to join them together. But then it came to me, something I had learned in the Boy Scouts, long ago. I asked for a knife. My host obliged, placing it before me upon the table. I asked that Nick hold down the rats upon the table so that they would not be able to move. He supposed that it was not "against the rules" to have help with something like this. He laughed softly to himself.

When the rats were secure to the table, I carefully cut the tail of one up it's length, and then again, so that the tip flayed into four parts. Rat blood spurted onto the table and the rat squealed. I did not listen as I did the same to the second rat. Blood was flowing all over from the muscle and cartilege at the end of their tails, and I grasped each tail and placed together the ends, for I intended to splice them together as one would two lengths of rope. When I had finished, the rats were inseperable, and pulled against each other in a futile attempt to scurry away in opposing directions.

A servant bought me a wet towel to clean my hands with, and I thanked him. My host grinned at me. "You are indeed the one," he said, "Come! let us eat, before my guests arrive, for they have little appetite for fruit and wine."

After a delicious snack, the gests began to arrive. They mostly eyed me cautiously, as my appearance must have been quite unusual. Nick introduced me to the vamipires as his "very good friend The Ratsplicer" with a little laugh. Most of the vampires thought the story of the joining of the rats was amusing, but even more amusing was the sight of them scurrying around trying to get away from each other. It turned out that vampires do not smoke, for the most part, but Nick said that he thought that he could find a pack somewhere and laughed. "Camels, right?"

"Straights. Yup." and Nick disappeared. A vampire woman came up to me. She was tall, and quite thin, and her skin was as white as new-fallen snow.

"So you're the one in the book Nick keeps talking about," she said, her voice rich and deep. "We've all been wondering if you would ever really show up, or if this book was just another one of Nick's stories. He says he read it a long time ago and lent the copy to his roommate, but never got it back."

"That's happened to me, to be sure..." I ventured, "Perhaps his story is not all that implausible."

"No. Not at all." The vampire woman's eyes trailed down, then back to meet my gaze. "Come," she said, "I will show you what you seek." "But," I protested, "Even I know not what I seek. How can..."

She interrupted me: "I know what you want." Her sleek index finger slid across her lower lip. I was beginning to think that she might indeed be right. At that moment, however, my host arrived with a pack of Camels. "I must apologize," he began, "I could only find filtered Camels."

"That's all right," I said, still deep in the eyes of the vampire woman. But I broke her stare and looked at Nick, "They won't kill me as fast." I took the pack, and pulled out a cigarette. My need for the smoke was strong at this point. The vampire woman took Nick aside for a moment as I lit the cigarette with a silver Zippo inscribed "RatSplicer." I realized that perhaps this was not all as haphazard as it had appeared. How odd that gods would be catering to me, addressing me as equal, as... perhaps they might accept an embassador.

Nick and the vampire returned, and Nick handed me the keys to his car. I was indeed surprised! "Take Tanja," he said, pausing for a fleeting moment, "for a ride. She has sights to show you, but I would prefer that you drive."

We drove through the city as quickly as I dared, Tanja urging me faster. In retrospect, even if there were speed limits to be observed (an unlikely assumption considering the nature of the inhabitants) no one would dare question or stop the car I was in. There seemed to be no other cars in the city, but I still was uncertain at the speeds I was driving, whether we might find ourselves wrapped around the corner of one of these magnificent buildings. Presently a wall was in the path of the automobile, with an open gate barely large enough to allow passage. The vampire woman pointed to it, her hair whipping around her head like some halo of black snakes. The car went through with scant inches on either side.

I was unprepared for the dark on the other side of the wall, which now eclipsed the lights of the city. I could not see for a moment, even to find the switch for the headlights, which I had not needed under the lamps of the city. When I finally found the switch for the headlamps, they shone forward to a high seacliff. The tires squealed like a wounded banshee as I turned sharply to avoid plunging to the depths I could not see. The car fishtailed, bringing the rear end too far around, and I pushed the wheel back into the direction of the skid. The car regained grip on the road with three wheels, my right rear tire spinning in air. I took the wheel back left, and felt the back end drop out from under me. The front end rose and the car rolled into the inky abyss.

The car was flung far out from the cliffs and I felt myself fall out of my seat. The car fell for several seconds, tumbling down through the blackness, before it burst into flames, stopped on the rocks and beach below me. I fell, feeling the air whip past me and the vertigo clouding my head.

I felt lips at my mouth. I kissed them fiercely, and touched the hair that fell in my face. I pulled away for a short moment and found the vampire woman looking into my now-opened eyes, smiling mysteriously. She said, "What? did you think me an angel come to deliver you to heaven from certain death?"

"No," I said, my mouth dry, "When one's life seems at it's end, and there are the lips of a beautiful vampire chick to be kissed... one may as well die happy." I looked down at the flaming remains of Nick's car beneath my feet. It seemed hours ago that I had fallen from the car. My head swirled with thoughts that rushed in and out like the tide, and she kissed me tenderly. I responded with unknown passion, and we made exquisite love as we floated above the flaming wreckage.

I shall not bore you with the details of our passion. Be it known that it surpassed sex I had had with any human, her body supple and limber and strong, her hands caressing me with care and sensuousness I had not known. As I began to feel ecstacy rise and pound within me, and I felt that the finish was near, she, with a muffled cry, bit at me. This was not a love-nibble or nip. My blood flowed into her waiting mouth in spurts, as my seed did the same, exploding into her womb. The combination I cannot describe, for I was overwhelmed so that I lost my tenuous grip on conciousness.

I awoke shortly, not certain if I had actually slept, or if my mind had simply slipped out of gear and plunged into darkness as had Nick's car. I was in Tanja's arms, and she gazed into my half opened eyes, smiling that mysterious smile of hers. There was a light above, blue-white, piercing. I looked up at it, it enticing me to float up to it. Below were flames, pulling me down, licking at my ankles and suckling at my toes. Tanja spoke to me:

"You must pass through Heaven and Hell, and come back unscathed and pure. Remember that the Fossil Pigs watch you and wait for you to crawl upon the razor's edge of sanity so that you may go back from whence you came, and that you may show the Way of the Rat to others who will follow you and scurry about like the Two That Are One in bliss as well as pain. "Remember as well, when you return, that there are many like you, and like I, who will know the truth and seek you out, for you have partaken in knowledge..." She paused, seeming a bit amused with herself, "That none mortal before you has." She kissed my lips and threw my body upward before I could protest.

I found myself humbled before the blinding light. There were voices in my head, not those of the Screaming Lifeforms, but those of all beings alive or dead. For one split moment, I fused with all life, animal, vegetable, mineral and spiritual. I saw through the eyes of the hunter as well as the kill, and of the lover as well as the loved. My body became inconsequential, as did my soul, in the midst of All Else. I lashed out at the light and took hold of it, it burning my palms as I blinded my eyes wih it before my face, and bit.

I bit hard, my teeth sinking deep into the light, and in a few mouthfuls, it was gone.

All Else was gone, and I no longer was suspended by it's pull. I flew to what had been down, although up and down seemed not to be at issue. I had certain control of my self now, and of my movements. The flames rushed up to meet me and they showed me their wisdom, as the light had. I was supreme and had full power over all that surrounded me. None questioned my will, least of all the flames of Hell, which rose even more powerful by my command. Armies rose to do my bidding, armies of dead souls armed with the swords of clear diamond and teeth of purest gold. I inherited the mantle of power, and should break, crumble and wreak destruction upon all that stood in my way.

I puked on this.

The digested light poured from my mouth onto the flames, and in liquid chunks Heaven flew from me screaming into Hell.

Hell didn't take too kindly to it either.

And they were both gone in an instant. I was left with my toes curled around an edge of metal. I knelt down and felt the rusty blade, then dropped upon my stomach and pushed my way along, licking at the rust and dirt that covered My Path.

I remember very little after this, although I should tell you that I have been pure and right since the morning I awoke untainted by the fear of Heaven and the yearning for Hell.

Take this tale as truth or as folly as you wish, but remember that it's power transcends mere fact or fiction. It is The Way of The Rat, and cannot be trifled into the roles of veracity or of lie. It is Your Way as much as it is Mine, it is the Way of the followers of the Fossil Pigs and it will never be Frank Sinatra's way.