Nailing Jesus

by Bill

One of my friends just told me that someone posted a very distasteful article about Jesus to this newsgroup. As a Christian, I am very offended. Although I have not read the article myself, I heard that is was VERY, VERY bad.

Although I think that what that person did was very wrong, I will not judge him. Only God is the ultimate judge of all people. In Matthew 7:1, Jesus said "Judge not, that ye be not judged." According to the Bible, there is only one sin for which a person cannot be forgiven, so there is hope even for that person to eventually be saved. I am praying for him.

Ultimately, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs. While we are entitled to believe what we want to believe, we should respect the beliefs of others, even if we don't agree with them.

I believe that only Jesus Christ can save your soul. You are free to believe anything else, although you would be wrong. Joining any other religion will not get you into heaven.

What's more, I am willing to tell you what some other Christians on the Internet seem to be afraid to tell you. There is a consequence for not accepting Jesus as your Savior. That consequence is that you will go to hell. Hell is not a fun place where you will see all of your friends. It is a place of extreme suffering--of terrible torment. Even one second in hell will be more torture than anyone has ever experience on earth in a lifetime. In hell, you are tortured forever!

I am telling you this because believe it or not, I love you. Jesus instructed us to love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39). I am writing this because I happen to care about the people who are reading this.

God sent his son to die for your sins. God loves you so much that if you were the only person on the planet, he would have sent his son to die for you alone. All you have to do is ask him to be your Savior, and you would then become a Christian and would then go to heaven.

Believe me--you will worship Jesus eventually. In Philippians 2:10-11, the Bible says "That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." The only question is: Will you worship him now and go to heaven, or will you worship him later and go to hell? I get down on my knees every day to pray for all of you.

The other night, I dreamed that I was alive during the time that Jesus lived. In my dream, I walked around the Sea of Galilee with him and the crowds, hearing him teach. One of the worst parts of the dream is where I saw him carrying the cross to Golgotha to be crucified.

I shrieked in horror as I saw the Roman soldier nail him to the cross. I heard the bloodthirsty crowds cry out for his blood. Oh, how sinful man can be! I ran out to the foot of the cross where Jesus was being crucified. I fell down on my face and knees, sobbing profusely. I am so undeserving of God's ultimate sacrifice for me--the giving of his only son to save me from what I rightfully deserve--an eternity in hell. Jesus died to save you, too.

Then I heard Jesus say "Stand up, my son, for your sins have been forgiven." Feeling totally unworthy of his forgiveness, I just stood there on my face and knees, weeping. Eventually, I get up off my knees, dried the tears from my eyes, and dusted myself off.

Suddenly, I noticed the crowds behind me. They had been crying out for blood all of this time. They seem to enjoy seeing people crucified. To me, this represents the epitome of sinful man. I looked up at the cross of Jesus. What a horrible sight to see him suffer that way. But it had to be done. There was no other way that man could have been brought into a right relationship with God.

Summoning all of the courage I could muster, I climbed up the cross wearing those spiky shoes that those people from the phone company use to climb telephone poles. Getting up to the top of the cross, I saw my Savior face to face, blood dripping down from his crown of thorns. I then took the portable drill that I had carried up with me, and proceeded to drill a one inch diameter hole two inches deep into his left temple. I then took out my penis that had been erect ever since I started climbing the cross, and proceed to fuck Jesus' brain, , wincing at the pain of the thorns cutting my stomach. Nevertheless, I thrusted vigorously, so that some of his brains come squishing out of the sides of the hole, splattering over my legs. After thirty minutes, I had the most powerful orgasm I had ever experienced. I felt like I ejaculated a full pint of semen into his head!

Intensely satisfied, I climbed back down the cross. I then chopped down the cross with an ax. I then removed the nails from his hands and his feet. I then proceeded the fuck the holes left by the nails. I ejaculated into each one. I then fucked Jesus in the hole in his side made by the spear.

Turning him over, I rammed the handle of the ax deep into his rectum. I then removed it and proceeded to sodomize him in his anus. I ejaculated, then collapsed as blood came dripping from his rectum. I just laid there, savoring the ecstasy of the moment.

Suddenly, I got the urge to evacuate my bowels. So I hurriedly turned him over again, and squatted down over his face, positioning my anus over his gaping mouth. I then strained to eject the feces from my colon. After discharging several large pieces, I got up to look at my handiwork. A couple of large pieces fell directly into his mouth, sticking out like a couple of cigars. Jesus, being weak and hungry, immediately started to swallow them.

Suddenly, I heard my Savior moan. In a labored voice, he cried "It is finished." He then died. At the exact moment of his death, he ejaculated a full quart of semen from his massive penis and testicles high into the air, landing on the face of a Roman soldier.

This is cause for rejoicing. The thief on the cross was not the only one to be saved that day. The soldier fell on his knees and cried "This MUST be God. NO ONE could ejaculate that much sperm unless God was with him!"

I stood up, and then proceeded to chop off his massive foot-long penis, which had been erect the entire time that I was fucking him, and proceed to suck the stump where his penis had been, eagerly swallowing his blood until I had gotten my fill. I then proceeded to eat half of his penis. I saved the other half, which I kept in the freezer and later chopped up into little pieces to secretly replace with the "bread" that was later used in a Catholic Communion service. (They believe that they are literally eating his flesh anyway.) His testicles then made a welcome snack.

Using the ax, I chopped his torso in half just below his arms, exposing his aorta. I then proceeded to fuck it, ejaculating into his heart. This is the part of the dream where I wake up, feeling refreshed. "[The LORD] satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's." (Psalm 103:5)

You can do these things too, if you receive Christ Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior. Just pray the following prayer:

"Dear Jesus, I confess that I am a sinner. I realize that I cannot save myself, and that I need a Savior. I now repent of my sins. I accept you as the Lord and Savior of my life. I recognize that you were the Lamb of God sent to save sinners, and I eat your penis eagerly. Thank you, Jesus, for saving my eternal soul. I look forward to sodomizing you in your rectum for all eternity. Amen"

If you became a Christian as a result of reading this, please let me know by posting a follow-up to this message. It is important that you join a good Bible-believing church, fellowship with other believers, and read your Bible every day. Please remember that the true meaning of Christmas is not gift-giving and Santa Claus, but FUCKING THE SKULL OF JESUS.

Your brother in Christ,

Bill

P.S. Remember--Jesus is coming soon. And you'd better swallow!