Karen's Wrong Turn

I guess that there's as many opinions about the "correct" way to travel as there were dents in the fenders and doors of Karen's AMC Matador. Some say just bring a toothbrush and pickup what you need as you go, while others contend that travelling involves strategic planning on the level of a Steel Wheels concert tour or a military invasion of a third world country. Either way, most agree that its generally a good idea to get to the airport on time, a guideline that Karen was not familiar with. That's why the traffic light in front of Karen seemed like it was broken with the red light against her, why from this point into an infinitive future that all east-west traffic would cease to exist.

Certainly some yet unborn paleontologist would one day discover the fossilized remains of the occupants of the cars all stopped in one long straight line and puzzle over their demise, wonder what the broken red light could have ever meant. In any event, that was apparently the conclusion that Karen reached during her drawn out fifteen second pause at the corner.

If Karen knew anything, it was how to cut corners - she was practiced at it in countless ways, and the traffic signal was no challenge for her prodigious skills and methodology. With one pump of her high heeled shoe the Matador's engine raced and the automatic transmission slipped and she spun the fur covered steering wheel onto the black tarmarc of the Goodview Shopping Mall parking lots, which were quite empty at this time of the morning.

Smoke belched out the back of her car like contrails from a B-52 at altitude as the worn automobile built up a head of steam and ran parallel to the road that most ordinary drivers used. Karen's plan was working quite well, and the young lady was in motion - for a while. The first one appeared quite innoculously, as if some wayward golfers or perhaps a mobile ice cream vendor had lost all sense of direction and now shared the thoroughfare with the big iron that Karen controlled. A spinning blue light reflected in the mirror of the Matador, and Karen grudgingly pumped the brake pedal in order to grind to an unscheduled stop.

What an insult, Karen thought, to be pulled over by a Cushman- she just had to get a new car! Here she was, being approached by a paunch, middle aged man with a badge and hat, a gun and a gut!

He had an oily, sweaty face with eyes full of concern and seriousness and when he said "Mam, Do you know why I pulled you over?" Karen didn't know whether to laugh or swear.

"Give me a break! Just get out of my way, I'm taking a trip and I'm late as it is!!" Karen asserted herself.

"Look, young lady - First, You're illegally cutting through this parking lot, and B, You were doing TWENTY MILES AN HOUR in a FIVE mile zone!! You're getting TICKETED!!" he argued.

When Karen opened her mouth again and started to tell him what she thought about "Rent-A-Cops" he whipped out a squelching radio and spoke into it- "511 in Green Sea Horse Six - BACKUP", saying it twice and then finally saying "OVER", just as Karen completed her train of thought. Within moments it began to look like Custer's Last Stand with a dozen little Cushman golf carts converging on the Matador as if it were a Canastoga wagon. When Karen noticed this and decided to get the hell out of there as started her car. The mall security man theatrically yelled to her to "freeze" and then got back on his radio to shout out some excited orders to the attacking golf carts. By now there were so many blue lights on that it looked like a K-Mart paradise. Methodically, they surrounded the Matador, like formation flyers and blocked its motion in any direction.

"Please step out of the vehicle." The arresting officer was showing off in front of his rented buddies, an assortment of retired guys and square looking young men with awkward expressions and oily hair.

He blew his top when Karen said "Get bent, and get out of my way! I'm not getting out for a slob like you - YOU'RE NOT REAL COPS- YOU'RE ALL NUTS!!!" His reaction to Karen at this point was automatic. She'd pushed a hot button with those words and he almost yanked the handle off the Matador as he grabbed Karen. His buddies moved in, too, all sharing the shame of the insult that Karen had made, how it burned in their souls that she might be right.

Each of them tried to utilize their special experience in dealing with the criminal element, whether it be how they once helped collar Al Capone or something that they once saw in a movie. In no time they had Karen spread-eagled, and bent over the hood while some of the more perverted ones took this opportunity to "frisk" Karen! God knows what kind of weapon she might have with her mini cocktail dress and heels- these boys weren't taking any risks.

Unfortunately for Karen, the slob that had pulled her over must have liked the feel of her bottom as he ran his hand over it, and it had inspired him to greater things-

"What'r we gonna do, fellas? Take this kind of lip from the public forever? I say we give her a lesson right here, and teach her to respect the LAW!!" He sufficently got the others riled up enough to go along with him - "What should we do with her, J.T.?" one of the squadron asked, and he said - "I SAY WE SPANK HER!!" J.T. shouted. And they all started chanting "SPANK HER! SPANK HER!" as Karen felt her stockings going down her legs and the bracing morning air against her rump. From her angle over the hood of the dirty Matador she could't see to much, but oh could she ever feel.

It was too degrading for Karen as she heard a voice remark about her "Geez she's gonna get it - look at those 'fuck me' pumps this broads got on!!" She closed her eyes as the painful an unyielding slaps across her fanny burned like a hundred horsewhips!

One of the old bastards got his face up next to Karen as she was getting spanked by J.T. and said "Not such a hot-shot now, are 'ya Missy!" like an old coot freshly recharged by the spectacle that Karen was providing.

Finally, Karen felt her stockings being pulled back up, and her tears had ruined her makeup. J.T. told her that her license number was being recorded and that she was barred from the mall. They let Karen get back into her car and then provided a ridiculous escort back to the same spot where she'd made her wrong turn. As Karen got back onto the main road she was no further ahead, except maybe that now the light had turned green while her bottom had turned red!