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Star Whores IV (hilarious) Sphincter In The Mind's
All stories on this web site are purely FICTIONAL. The people depicted within these stories only exist in someone's IMAGINATION. Any resemblence between anyone depicted in these stories and any real person, living or dead, is an incredible COINCIDENCE too bizarre to be believed. If you think that you or someone you know is depicted in one of these stories it's only because you're a twisted perverted little fucker who sees conspiracies and plots where none exist. You probably suspect that your own MOTHER had sex with ALIENS and COWS and stuff. Well, she didn't. It's all in your head. Now take your tranquilizers and RELAX.
STAR WHORES 4: SPHINCTER IN THE MIND'S EYE
or WAITING FOR YODOT
by Jefferson Morris (copyright 1994)
Luke switched on the autopilot in his X-wing and
leaned back, resting his feet on the control panel. He
watched the stars slip by, sporadically spitting chak-root
juice into a paper cup. R2D2's translated comments
crackled over a speaker on the console.
"...SO WHEN THE GUY GETS HOME, HE SEES HIS WIFE AND HE
SAYS, 'HONEY, YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT. ON THE WAY BACK FROM
WORK, I SAW THIS GUY WHO'D GOTTEN HIS PRICK CUT OFF BY A
HOVERBUS. HE WAS STONE DEAD. AND THE PRICK WAS A FOOT
LONG. HONEST TO GOD.' THEN SUDDENLY THE WIFE STARTS
CRYING, 'DENGAR IS DEAD! DENGAR IS DEAD!' HA HA HA HA HA.
YOU LIKE THAT ONE? I HEARD ANOTHER ONE THE OTHER DAY..."
"Shut up, droid. We're almost there," Luke grunted.
"WE WON'T REACH DAGOBAH FOR ANOTHER 10 HOURS."
"10 hours isn't much compared to the life of the
universe."
"HELLO? HELLO? IS THERE ANY INTELLIGENT LIFE UP
THERE?"
"Oh...switch off."
"NICE RECOVERY, MR. WILDE. BUT WHAT THE FUCK DOES THE
LIFE OF THE UNIVERSE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?"
"I wouldn't expect a mechanical to understand. It's
a jedi thing. You've gotta feel the Force."
"YOU'RE GONNA FEEL THE FORCE OF MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS."
Luke scowled. "You don't have a foot."
"WELL, GIVE OR TAKE AN INCH. HA HA HA..."
"Hey, R2, that stabilizer has broken loose again. See
if you can't lock it down."
"LOCK IT DOWN YOURSELF, YOU SHIFTLESS JACKASS. IF YOU
DON'T LIKE MY COMPANY, EJECT. I NEVER WANTED TO TAKE THIS
RIDE IN THE FIRST PLACE."
"Try to increase power while you're at it. And make
goddamn sure that O-ring is in place."
"WHO AM I, THE MAKER? THESE REBEL SNUBS ARE MADE OF
KLEENEX AND SPIT, YOU KNOW THAT."
Luke muttered under his breath, exasperated. "Then
spit on it for two minutes, would you for chrissakes?
Overweight blob of grease."
"YOU ARE ONE MINDLESS FUCKIN' PHILOSOPHER, YOU KNOW
THAT? I'M CURIOUS, HOW CAN YOU SEE THE CONSOLE WITH YOUR
HEAD SCREWED UP YOUR ASS? CLOSED-CIRCUIT TV?"
"I'm gonna meditate now." Luke closed his eyes.
"Wake me up when we get there."
*********
Luke awoke from disturbing dreams to find himself
transformed into a giant ball creature of Duroon. Then he
awoke again, banging his head on the cockpit glass. He was
back to normal. Dagobah loomed large below.
"You didn't wake me up, you piece of shit."
"WHAT IS THIS, A HOTEL?"
"Were you gonna let us crash into the planet?"
"WELL WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIFE, ANYWAY?"
"I'm hoping this Yoda will have some ideas."
"GOOD LUCK. MAYBE YOU'LL FIND HIM, IF YOU HAPPEN TO
LAND ON THE RIGHT CONTINENT, ABOUT A HUNDRED FEET FROM HIS
HOUSE."
"Massive life form readings down there. I can ask
around."
"DO YOU THINK IT'S SAFE FOR DROIDS?"
"Oh no, it's deadly for droids. Dagoban's torture and
kill every droid they lay eyes on. They're renowned all
over the galaxy. Goddamn, they sure do hate droids...
"VERY FUNNY."
As they entered the atmosphere, a thick white shroud
of gas enveloped the ship, obscuring the view out the
cockpit. Luke began pushing buttons frantically.
"Shit! All the scopes are dead, I can't see a thing."
"THE SCOPES ARE DEAD. LONG LIVE THE SCOPES."
"Get off your ass and do something! We're gonna
crash!"
"WELL I'D USE THE FORCE IF I COULD, BUT I'M JUST A
FOOT-SHUFFLING, HEAD-SCRATCHING MECHANICAL. I'M IG'NANT 'A
SUCH THANGS, MASSA."
"Fuck you. I'm gonna start the landing cycle."
"SHO' SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA, MASSA. LAWD YES,
NOTHIN' LIKE A GOOD LANDIN' CYCLE TO SPRUCE UP 'DA MAWNIN'.
LESS LAND ON SUMTHIN', GAWD-A-MIGHTY!"
Luke rubbed his forehead. He was developing a
headache. "This Yoda better be pretty fuckin' good."
Snapping its way through vines and trees, the X-wing
barrelled through the low Dagoban clouds. Luke put his
head between his legs and felt around for the floatation
cushion under his seat. He clutched it tightly.
With an enormous splash, the X-wing landed. A small
oxygen mask dropped out of the top of the cockpit and
dangled in front of Luke's face. He batted it aside and
opened the hatch.
The humidity hit Luke like a hammer. The ship was
half-submerged in a dank bog. The dense trees overhead all
but blocked out the sun, and the air was filled with
primitive mating calls.
"Jesus, it's humid." Luke clambered awkwardly out of
his seat, and stood on the nose of the ship, surveying his
surroundings. Behind him, R2 was elevating himself out of
his nook and bleeping loudly.
"Wish I could understand you, droid, but I left the
portable translator back home. Too bad."
R2 blooped angrily, and an electrified prod emerged
from his torso. He began advancing on Luke, who laughed
dismissively.
"Fuck you." Luke kicked R2 off the side of the ship,
sending him into the murky water. After a few moments, a
tiny periscope broke the surface.
"You be more careful, R2. You've gotta learn
balance."
A few yards away from the droid, a large black shape
sat motionless in the water, waiting. Luke spied it and
smiled devilishly. "Hey, R2!"
The periscope swiveled to look at him. Luke pointed
towards the black shape. "That way."
Obliviously, R2 headed toward the shape, which
immediately surged forward. The periscope disappeared
without a trace.
Luke laughed. "Bye bye, dickhead." He jumped off the
prow of the ship and crawled onto the bank. "See you at
Star's End, dick."
*********
Luke sat on a wet log in front of his portable heating
unit, masturbating intensely and fantasizing with all his
might. In his mind's eye, Leia waited on all fours on a
tundra on Hoth. She spread her buttocks wide, rubbing her
anus with K-Y and beckoning to Luke.
"So be it...Jedi." Despite the cold, her entire body
was glowing with a thin sheen of sweat. "Fuck me."
Luke slowly worked his foot-long member into her. She
moaned slightly, a wonderfully musical sound. He began
thrusting in and out, eliciting another tuneful moan with
each stroke. He pushed as hard as he could, rotating his
hips. "You're gonna bleed, baby."
"Make me bleed, Luke. Tear me apart. I wanna feel
your hot come all up in my ass." Luke grabbed Leia's
shoulders from behind, pulling her farther onto his cock.
She gasped.
"Yes! Yes! To hell with Solo! You are a jedi, like
your father before you...but harder!"
Luke could feel himself going over the edge. The heat
of their union was melting the snow. As he approached his
climax, Luke realized they were surrounded by a throng of
victorian onlookers, clapping loudly.
"The Force is strong in my family. My father has it,
I have it...and now my sister's gettin' it! Feel my saber,
daughter of Elysium!" Luke roared like a Wookie and
ejaculated with such force that Leia was pushed away from
him like a rocket. He brandished his enormous cock like a
firehose, aiming a torrent of steaming sperm which covered
her like a cocoon and sent her rolling helplessly through
the snow almost a hundred feet. Luke then fell down on his
back and came in the air like a geyser, letting it rain
back down on him...
Luke's eyes suddenly snapped open. He looked down at
his prosthetic penis. With a convulsive mechanical
sputtering, the artificial organ managed to force out a
tiny dribble of ejaculate. It dripped meekly onto Luke's
boot. He sighed.
"Fuckin' cheap dick. Better be under warranty. If I
get my hands on that medical droid, I'll...I'll..."
"You'll what, Onan the Barbarian?" The strange voice
startled Luke and he spun around, drawing his blaster.
Leaning shakily on a stick was a tiny, wizened little
green thing. It laughed, then began coughing horribly,
bringing up gobs of some kind of yellow substance.
"...I'll fuckin' blast it, that's what I'll do. What
are you, some kind of frog-watcher? Or are you just...a
frog?" Luke stared at the creature in disgust.
The green thing continued hacking pitifully,
eventually vomiting a stream of thin black bile onto its
robe. It wiped its mouth and swayed woozily. "Up...your
ass shove your weapon. I mean you no harm."
The thing reeked of cheap booze. Luke caught a whiff
and waved his hand in front of his face. "What? Up my ass
shove...You mean 'Shove your weapon up your ass.'"
"That I mean."
"What kind of fuckin' speech impediment is that? You
inverted your prepositional phrase and your imperative."
"This problem a long time have I had."
Luke laughed. "Do you even notice it? It's fuckin'
hilarious. Keep talking."
"I notice not. Any booze have you? Drink it I must."
The thing belched aromatically, nearly falling on its face.
Luke laughed again, pulled out a small flask out of
his jacket, and tossed it to the thing. "I can't believe
you don't notice that."
The thing gulped down the entire contents, then threw
the flask aside and grimaced. "How you get so big drinking
piss of this kind?" The thing hobbled over and began
rummaging through Luke's survival kit. "I am wondering,
why are you here?"
"I'm looking for someone. A great warrior."
"Oh, great warrior. Most great men by wars have been
made."
"That's the truth. I hope to make my name in one
someday." Luke looked at the thing closely, studying it.
"Hey, wait a second. Aren't you..."
Luke was interrupted by an angry blur of electronic
bleeps. R2 stumbled through the underbrush and rolled
toward the campsite. He was covered with some kind of
viscous brown jelly.
"Whoa, somebody's lucky they don't taste too good."
The green thing, upon seeing R2, pulled a plastic cup
from Luke's rations and began hobbling as fast as it could
toward the droid, falling several times on the way. It
leaned up against R2 and began pushing buttons on his
torso, holding the cup up to them.
"Shit. Shit." The green thing began feeling atop
R2's head. "This keg pumped needs to be. Nothing am I
getting."
"You're Yoda, aren't you?"
The thing turned to Luke slowly, then spat at him.
"Dead is he. Choked on vomit."
"Bullshit, I've got you cold." Luke began pulling
tattered newspaper clippings from his jacket, unfolding
them. "I saw your ad when I was back on Cloud City. I'm
here for the intensive three week Jedi seminar."
"Canceled from lack of interest was that seminar. And
it matters not. I'm not Yoda."
Luke held the ad up, showing the thing a picture of
itself, accompanying the ad. "Who are you, then? His
identical twin brother?"
"Full of shit are you. Leaving am I." The thing gave
R2 one last kick, then began walking away.
"Wait a second, Yoda. I'm serious, I'll pay you."
"Worthless is money. See any ABC stores here, do
you?"
"But I've got a spaceship. I can give you as much
booze as you need. I've got friends in spaceports. I'm
not afraid."
The thing scratched the scraggly white hairs on its
head, then laughed. "See you how much I drink, and you
will be. Come."
*********
Luke watched the thing trying to urinate, sadly
shaking his head. It had been stroking its tiny green
penis for nearly 5 minutes. Both stood outside the
entrance to its tiny hovel.
"This is ridiculous. Give it up, Yoda."
"Patience. When 900 years old you reach, piss as
freely you will not. Hmmm?"
"Try saying, 'When you reach 900 years old, you will
not piss as freely."
"Said that I just did."
"Let's keep it simple. Say, 'Zuckuss is a fat old
bastard.' Try that."
"A fat old bastard is Zuckuss."
"Okay, now try saying, 'A fat old bastard is
Zuckuss.'"
"Inverted is that."
"Just try it."
The thing sighed heavily. "Zuckuss is a fat old
bastard."
Luke clapped delightedly. "Goddamn, that's amazing."
Suddenly a small rock levitated off the ground. It
hovered for a few seconds in front of Luke's face, then
whizzed past his head at blinding speed, blowing a hole in
an adjacent tree.
"Shit," said the thing. "Off is my aim."
Luke stared in wonder. "Hey, you used the Force just
then. You can stop with the 'I'm not Yoda' shit."
Finally, a torrent of nearly-clear urine emerged from
the thing's urethra. To Luke's amazement, rather than
hitting the ground, the stream flew upward, growing
thicker. The undulating tip hovered in the air for a
moment, then formed itself into a liquid face--Luke's.
"Holy shit! Polymerizing piss! Man, you gotta teach
me how to do this!" The face remained solid a moment
longer, then surged forward and splashed into Luke's mouth.
He jumped back, spitting in disgust.
"What the fuck?"
The thing laughed quietly between coughs, then slowly
made its way through the door to its home. Reluctantly,
Luke crouched down and followed.
Discarded liquor bottles lay strewn everywhere. Vomit
stains covered the floor and walls, adding to the nearly
unbearable stench. Luke held his nose.
"Fuck! Don't you have a maid?"
"Smell bad this may, kid. But warm it will keep you."
Luke surveyed the interior, spying a small section of
wall which was covered with old newspaper clippings. One
featured a picture of the thing being led in handcuffs by
Corporate Sector Authority Police. The headline read,
'LITTLE GREEN THING HEADS KIDDIE SEX RING.' Among the
headlines for the other stories--'RECLUSIVE TOAD SMOKES 10-
YEAR OLD CHOAD,' 'SICK PIXIE GETS KIX FROM KID PIX,' 'YODA
BEATS TRUMAN, WIFE.' Another more recent article showed a
mug shot of the creature looking bleary-eyed and hung over,
the headline solemnly declaring, 'WARMED-OVER GROVER RARELY
SOBER.'
"Jesus Christ," Luke said. "You've had some problems
haven't you?"
The thing was already stirring a new pot of some kind
of liquid, which was being dispensed drop by drop from an
elaborate still. "Rootleaf. For jedi it is time to drink
as well."
"Haven't you had enough? Your tolerance can't be very
high. How much do you weigh?"
The thing turned and glared at him, its eyes opening
and its ears raising. "Judge me by my weight, do you? One
cup of Rootleaf and under the table would you be, ignorant
schmuck."
"You've obviously never tried Tatooine Womp Dog. I
sucked that from my mother's tit. Or Romulan ale."
"Womp Dog? Heh! Romulan ale? Heh! A jedi craves
not these drinks." The creature's eyes narrowed.
"I guess they're not ready for the hard stuff."
"Ready? What know you of ready? For 800 years have
I drank Rootleaf. My own counsel will I keep on what is to
be drunk!" The thing smacked Luke sharply with its gimer
stick. Luke yelped and fell back against the wall, holding
his bloody nose.
Slowly, the creature hobbled over to a cupboard. It
removed two shotglasses and set them on a small table. It
filled them both with Rootleaf.
Luke slowly crawled to the table. "Alright, you
fuckin' toasted muppet. Let's have a few drinks." Luke
downed the Rootleaf in a single gulp. He grimaced at the
potency of the stuff, nearly gagging. The thing smiled,
and downed its own glass without blinking.
*********
Luke lay on the floor in a stupor, coughing up phlegm
and watching the ceiling spin wildly. His clothing was
caked with vomitus, most of it his own.
Yoda stood over him, prying his eyelids open with his
gimer stick. "Why wish you become jedi?"
Luke coughed, his brain reeling. "Mostly
'cos...hrrlphhh... bitch...sister...Ben...Dagobah
system..."
"Impress girls you wanted? Get pussy?"
"Fuck girls...Han, old buddy...car accident...facial
reconstruction...Bossk..."
"To become a jedi requires the deepest commitment.
The most serious mind."
Luke rolled over, his tongue dragging on the floor.
"Fuck it then, I'm bolting...sllhhphhh...Corvette
Summer..."
Yoda grimaced in disgust, and spat a sharp yellow
lunger into Luke's ear. Turning from him, he spoke to the
ceiling. "I cannot teach him. The boy has no tolerance."
Ben's disembodied voice echoed through the hovel.
"ROOTLEAF KICKED MY ASS WHEN I FIRST TRIED IT. DID YOU
EXPECT HIM TO BE ABLE TO BALANCE PLATES ON HIS HEAD?"
"He is too old. Yes, too old to begin training."
"COME ON, THIS IS MY BOOGIE. DON'T BE A TIGHT-ASS."
"Want him back, you do? Old faggot."
"HE'S CUTE, ALRIGHT. IF YOU CAN TEACH HIM SOMETHING
ABOUT THE FORCE, I FIGURED MAYBE HE'D...COME BACK TO ME."
"My incentive is what?"
"HIS DAD IS RICH."
"Rich?"
"RICH, POWERFUL. IF YOU COULD TRAIN HIM THE REWARD
WOULD BE..."
"What?"
"WELL, MORE BOOZE THAN YOU CAN DRINK."
"Don't know, drink quite a bit can I."
"YOU'LL GET IT."
"I better."
"YOU WILL."
Yoda turned back to Luke, who was still on his side,
babbling incoherently.
"Get off your ass, George...THX...Slipstream..."
Yoda pried Luke's mouth open with his stick, silencing
his mumblings. Then he jammed the stick violently down
Luke's throat, triggering his gag reflex. Luke's whole
body contorted wildly and hot bile began to pour out of his
mouth. It spread in a large pool on the floor. Yoda
quickly levitated, keeping himself clear. He smirked.
"Bad on the outside I thought you smelled."
*********
Luke was jolted back to consciousness by a feeling of
constricted breathing. Yoda was standing on his chest,
holding a sheaf of paper. They were next to the bog, where
the X-wing lay half-submerged. Luke's temples were filled
with a deafening pounding, as if a thousand Death Stars
were exploding in his forehead. He pushed Yoda away
weakly.
"How long have I been out?"
"2 days. Told you I did." Yoda dropped the papers
onto Luke's forehead. "Read."
Luke collected the sheets and groggily attempted to
focus his eyes. Slowly, he began to see words:
THE FORCE
Frequently Asked Questions--updated 7754.2
1. What is the Force?
The Force is what gives a jedi his power. It's an
energy field generated by living things. It surrounds
us, it penetrates us, it binds the universe together.
2. Penetrates us?
You know what I mean.
3. That's very cute, but why should I be interested?
The Force can be your ticket to fame, fortune,
longevity, and most of all--PUSSY.
4. Is there a down side?
Not so much a down side as a Dark side. Of the Force,
that is. Easily does it flow. Quick to join you in
a fight. Anger, fear, aggression, the Dark side are
they. Once you start down the Dark path, forever will
it dominate your destiny. Consume you it will!
Metaphorically speaking.
5. Is the Dark side stronger?
No. Quicker, easier, more seductive.
6. But how am I to know the Good side from the Bad?
You will know, when you are calm. At peace. Passive.
7. What a buncha horseshit. That doesn't sound like
a very good way to get chicks, now does it?
Of course not. Anger, fear, aggression--cultivate
them, and you'll get more ass than a toilet seat.
Chicks say they don't dig all that macho crap, but
really they do.
8. So the Dark side is the way to go?
IMHO, yes, unless you're some kind of neo-moralist
jackoff. If so, stop reliving the Clone Wars in your
head and get with the times. Sex is better with a
partner. Trust us.
9. If jedis are so cool and get so much pussy, what
happened to them? Huh? Answer me that.
Okay, smart ass. Being a jedi requires a certain
commitment to romanticized, self-destructive nihilism.
A jedi figures life is a vale of shit, so you might as
well stay stoned for as much of it as you can. And
fuck all the time. Fuck everything that moves. If
you can't fuck it, kill it. If you can't do either,
it's irrelevant. With this kind of world-view, is
it any wonder the jedis all burned out? Think, man.
10. I can use the Force to move shit around, right?
Yep. Pour drinks, change channels, unhook bras, take
down zippers, lock doors, unlock doors. The
possibilities are limitless.
11. So what happens when a jedi dies?
Ooh, the philosophical stuff. Some jedis just die and
that's it. But the real badasses live on in a kind of
bluescreened twilight zone. They can talk to people,
read their minds. That might sound boring, but it's
actually pretty cool. In short, strike a good jedi
down and he'll become more powerful than you can
possibly imagine.
12. You've sold me. Is there anything else I should
know?
Nothing but the official jedi drinking song:
'We're quicker and stronger and hung like a horse
We're marching buck naked and hard with the Force
Lightsabers buzz in our powerful hands
We'll cut off your pecker and issue demands
We'll drive really wasted and crash into trees
We'll open your scrotum and stuff it with bees
We'll choke on our vomit, and spit up pea soup
Before we take Y-wings to hell and regroup!'
Luke leafed quickly through the remaining pages, all
of which were occupied by lyrics.
"Christ, how long is this song?"
"Learn it you must. On this all depends."
"If there are no other jedis, who can I sing it with?
And it'll take hours. You can't have a drinking song that
takes hours."
"No more questions. You must unlearn what you have
learned. Now, your short arm present." Yoda tapped his
stick on the floor, waiting.
Luke reluctantly reached into his pants and pulled out
his penis. "Ta da."
Yoda examined it, frowning. "No imagination have you.
Boring are your fantasies. 'I wanna feel your hot come all
up in my ass.' Heh! Pathetic it is. You must feel the
Force around you. Life creates it, makes it grow.
Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." Yoda
pinched Luke's penis sharply. "Now, salvage your ship you
must."
"What? I don't have a crane."
"Hear you nothing that I say?"
"What, is your brain made of rubber? Doing parlor
tricks with urine is one thing, moving a ship is totally
different."
"No!" Yoda belched. "No different. Only different
in your mind."
"I don't go for that solipsistic crap. But I'll give
it a try if it'll make you happy."
"No, try not. Do or do not. There is no try."
"I'll try to remember that."
"Your ass you watch, Skywalker."
Luke closed his eyes and began masturbating, trying to
channel the Force. In his fantasy, he was on Hoth once
again. This time he saw Han, cresting a snowdrift on a
Tauntaun, completely nude...
"How ya feeling, kid?" Han's smile made Luke forget
about the cold.
"A meteorite hit the ground near here. You wanna
check it out?"
"Sure, kid." Han offered an arm. "Jump up."
Luke sat behind Han, clutching his rippling stomach,
feeling the snow melting on his tongue as they flew over
the blinding white landscape. Within the fantasy, he heard
Yoda's voice:
"Feel the Force, do you?"
"I feel something."
"Flow easily, does it?"
"Nah. Pretty tough."
"The Good side. Try again."
"Okay...okay...it's coming a lot easier, now."
"Better."
Han turned around and glanced at Luke. "Who ya
talkin' to, kid?"
"Don't interrupt. This is my fantasy."
They soon came upon the meteorite crater, which was
still steaming with the heat of the impact. At the bottom
of the crater, however, was no meteorite, but rather an
ornate four-poster bed. Han eased the Tauntaun down the
slope. Luke leaped off, landing on the bed, tingling in
anticipation.
Han dismounted. As soon as he did, the Tauntaun gave
out a loud death rattle and collapsed on the bed next to
Luke.
Luke smiled. "Looks like we're stuck here."
"Looks that way, kid. What should we do?"
"Well," Luke said, holding his lightsaber out to Han,
"We're gonna need someplace warm and toasty to bed down."
Han took the saber. "I can arrange that." He quickly
ignited the weapon and sliced the Tauntaun's belly open,
spilling its intestines onto the bed. Plunging his hands
into the wound, he pulled out as many internal organs as he
could, until he'd created a sizable cavity. "About your
size, huh kid?"
Luke slipped into the steaming carcass, craving the
sensuous feel of the blood and viscera on his naked skin.
He snuggled inside, then held a flap of skin open for Han.
"Hurry up, I don't know how long I can hold myself."
"Take it easy, kid," Han drawled, crawling in next to
Luke, "Fuck casual." Han pulled the flap of hide down,
enclosing them both. Yoda's voice sounded out again.
"Fucked up shit, this is."
"Lay off, I feel the Force."
"But control it, can you?"
"I know what I'm doing. Think this is the first time
I've done it in a Tauntaun?" Luke groped Han's naked form
in the dark, digging his fingernails into his back. Then,
unexpectedly, he found Han's back was covered with fur. An
unusual grunting sound bored its way into Luke's ear.
"Han? Han, is that you?"
The grunting became a deafening howl. Luke screamed,
and scrambled out of the Tauntaun onto the bed. The
carcass bulged grotesquely, then exploded, revealing the
enormous form of a ravenous Wampa.
"Fuck!" Before he could escape, Luke was hoisted into
the air by the beast, then brought down hard onto its
enormous prick, which jammed its way agonizingly up Luke's
ass. Luke screamed. The Wampa began sodomizing Luke
violently, roaring in triumph as its white pelt became
stained with blood.
"Fuck this fantasy!" Luke snapped himself out of it
and collapsed to the wet earth of Dagobah. He smelled
himself and frowned in disgust, realizing that he had
evacuated his bowels in his pants. He looked at the bog
just in time to see the prow of the X-wing disappearing
beneath the water.
"Shit!"
Yoda shook his head. "Control, control. You must
learn control."
"We'll never get the ship out, now. We're gonna have
to hire a crane."
"So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be
done."
"You want to give it a shot? Be my guest."
Yoda frowned, then removed a small flask of Rootleaf
from his robe and drained it. Coughing loudly, he threw
the flask aside and extended his hand.
Luke smirked. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
Yoda closed his eyes and concentrated. A bulge began
to form at his groin, pushing its way outward. The water
above the ship began to bubble. Luke's eyes widened in
amazement...
*********
"I don't believe it." Luke shook his head in
disbelief.
"Hey, I don't set the rates, pal." The foreman
adjusted his hard hat and scratched himself.
"I could almost buy my own ship for that."
"In this swamp?"
"Alright, alright." Luke pulled out a bag of credits
and began counting them out.
The foreman turned to his crew. "Okay, boys. Get it
hooked up." A group of workers dove into the water,
holding the ends of several cables. The cables ran to the
top of an enormous hydraulic crane which was perched at the
bank.
When he was done paying, Luke stood over Yoda's
unconscious form and kicked it. "Fucking extortionists.
Hey, wake up, sleepyhead!"
Yoda's eyes fluttered open. He spoke woozily. "Luke,
you must complete the training."
"And waste more cash? No way, you'll have to look for
fresh meat, buddy. You're worse than Kenobi. A real Sugar
Daddy is supposed to pay for stuff. You're fuckin' broke.
As soon as my fighter is above water, I'm setting sail."
Yoda struggled to his feet. "You must not go. Our
last hope are you."
"I thought there was another?"
"Red herring. You're it."
"Well that's too bad. I'm not in this jedi stuff for
the Rebellion, and I'm not in it for you. I expect to be
compensated for all the shit I've been through. I'm in it
for the sex and the money."
"And your friends? If you leave now, help them you
could, but..." Yoda's eyes rolled up into his head and he
collapsed to the ground, regurgitating his lunch.
"Shit, I should've listened to the droid. I thought
Tatooine was bad. I'm gonna come back in the Death Star
and erase this slimy mudhole."
Suddenly, Luke felt a strange sensation on the back of
his neck. "Wait a second. All of a sudden I feel warmth.
Love. Are you doing that?"
Yoda shook his head, pointing. "That place is strong
with the Good side of the Force." Luke followed his finger
to an enormous tree, under which was the opening to a cave.
"In you must go."
"What's in there?"
"Only what you take with you."
"Why should I be interested in seeing a malfunctioning
lightsaber, a pack of cigarettes, and a pair of soiled
underwear?"
"Just go in, you sonofabitch. Important it is."
"Alright, alright." Luke walked toward the tree.
"Your weapons. You will not need them."
Luke gripped his saber tightly. "Sure. And next time
you go skydiving, don't bother with a chute. You won't
need that."
"Your attitude. Won't need that either. Stick it up
your ass." Yoda lay back down, sighing and rubbing his
forehead.
Luke flicked Yoda off and climbed down into the cave.
The interior was covered with snakes and insects. He began
walking down a dark passageway, finding that the further in
he went, the stronger the feeling of goodness became. It
made his flesh crawl.
"Man, what am I doing down here? Han was right, maybe
this jedi crap is nowhere."
Luke began to detect light at the end of the
passageway. It was seeping out from under an old-fashioned
wooden door. Slowly, he approached it, and pushed the door
open.
Inside was a warmly-lit dining room. At the head of
the table was Darth Vader. But instead of his normal black
garb, he was outfitted entirely in white. Across from him
was an attractive woman in her early thirties. Two
children sat on either side of them, a boy and a girl.
Luke stopped in his tracks. In his head, Ben's voice
boomed.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?
"In some cave somewhere."
I MEAN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT?
"Thrill me."
THIS IS THE SPECTER OF CHRISTMAS PAST IN THE SKYWALKER
HOUSEHOLD, 16 YEARS AGO.
"You're kidding."
I SHIT YOU NOT. THERE'S YOUR DAD, YOUR MOM, YOUR
SISTER, AND YOU.
"Luke," Darth said, speaking to the young boy, "Pass
the gravy, would you?"
"Yes, father," the boy replied smilingly, fulfilling
the request. "We are all happy, aren't we, father?"
"Frightfully happy, son. Don't you agree, dear?"
The woman looked up from her plate, beaming and
ruffling the boy's hair. "Yes, dear. Horribly happy."
Little Luke bounced in his chair with glee. "It's as
if somebody set up a happy forcefield around our house that
makes us happy!"
"Someone did, Luke," Vader replied. "Someone did."
"Who, father? Please tell me so I can thank him."
"Jesus did, my son. On the day of his birth, he has
blessed us with a happy forcefield. As long as it doesn't
malfunction, we'll be happy forever."
"Thank you, Jesus. I hope the forcefield stays up
forever and ever! I never want to leave!" The boy
shoveled forkfuls of turkey into his mouth.
"Mother?" Leia said. "Do you think I will be a mommy
too someday?"
Mother smiled. "When the time comes, you may find
someone to start a family with. A very special someone
whom you love very much."
"Daddy!" Leia cried. "I want to start one with
Daddy!"
The entire family laughed warmly.
Leia piped up again. "Will my family also be covered
by the happy forcefield?"
Mother smiled again. "Well, that depends on the
effective radius of the field, honey. I don't know the
exact specifications."
Luke stood motionless in the doorway. A tear rolled
down his cheek. "What is this, Ben?"
THIS IS YOUR DEEPEST DESIRE. YOUR WARMEST WISH. TO
BE A YOUNG BOY WITH YOUR FAMILY AGAIN.
"Was this what my childhood was really like?"
YES.
"But you told me my mother was a spice addict and a
whore. You said my father was one of her johns on Outpost
Beta. You said she tried to abort me with a beamdrill, but
ended up killing herself instead, and that I was raised in
the whorehouse by the other whores. You said they dressed
me up as a girl for the first 5 years of my life. Then you
said they hid me on a freighter your brother Owen was
serving on, and that he adopted me and took me to Tatooine
when he retired."
I...NEVER SAID THAT.
"Yes, you did."
WELL...WHAT I SAID WAS TRUE...FROM A CERTAIN POINT OF
VIEW. IT'S KINDA PHILOSOPHICAL, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO
EXPLAIN.
"You were making it up as you went along."
NO, NO, NO...
Vader wiped a spot of giblet gravy off his mask, and
clapped his hands together. "Children, after dinner, would
you like me to read you some more of your bedtime story?"
"Oh, yes, Daddy!" Leia clapped.
"Yes, father," Luke said. "I hope the story never
ends!"
Vader laughed. "Well, Marlowe has to get to the end
of the river sometime."
"No! I want the magic river to go on forever!" Luke
began pouting.
"Now, son, every story has to end. But don't worry.
There are lots of other stories."
Luke broke into a grin again. "Yay!"
Older Luke shook his head in disbelief. "This is
unbelievable. This can't be my deepest fantasy."
EVERYONE HAS TO FACE DOWN THEIR PERSONAL DEMONS.
"Well, I'm facing it. What do I do now?"
WHATEVER YOU DO, YOU MUST DO IT ALONE. I CANNOT
INTERFERE.
Luke shrugged. "Thanks for nothing, then. I guess
this is some kind of test. So, like, they can't see or
hear me, right?"
SURE THEY CAN. THEY'VE JUST BEEN IGNORING YOU.
"Why?"
BECAUSE THEY'RE SO MOTHERFUCKING HAPPY.
"Okay, then. I'll make my presence a little more
unavoidable." Luke ran into the room, did a forward
somersault, and landed on top of the turkey, smashing it.
He kicked the food and dishes off the table, making a
tremendous mess. He ignited his saber and brandished it at
the family.
"Right! Any of you fuckin' pricks move, and I'll
execute every motherfuckin' last one of ya!"
Vader stood up indignantly. "Young man, what do you
mean by interrupting my family's Christmas dinner,
destroying our carefully arranged table, and using such
coarse language in front of children?"
Young Luke tugged on his father's cape. "Daddy,
what's 'fuck'?"
Leia tugged on the other side. "What's a 'prick,'
Daddy? Will you show me one?"
Vader jerked his cape free. "Look what you've done,
boy. You've corrupted their minds." He ignited his saber.
"Honey, kids, I'd like you to go to the other room.
There's no need for you to see this."
Luke gripped his saber tightly, readying himself.
"Come on, Darth, they have to learn about the Dark side
sometime. Kids, allow me to introduce you to one of my
best friends--Violent, Bloody Death!!"
Luke swung his saber in a wide arc, beheading both
children in one stroke. Their heads rolled to opposite
ends of the room, while the tiny bodies sprayed blood over
the tablecloth.
Vader stepped up onto the table, facing Luke. "Boy,
do you realize how much effort my wife and I put into
those?"
Luke grunted, sweating. "Father?"
"Yes, son."
"I want to kill you."
In response, Vader swing his saber at Luke's head.
Luke parried, feinted, and struck Vader at the neck,
beheading him as well. The white-clad body collapsed,
while the head rolled up against one of Luke's feet.
"I can't believe it! That was so easy!"
Luke glanced down at Vader's head. As he watched, the
faceplate exploded. The smoke cleared, revealing Luke's
own face staring back up at him.
"Holy shit!" Luke exclaimed. "It's me!"
"Who did you expect? Chuck Woolery?" the face asked.
"This is the oldest one in the book. This symbolizes how
you're fighting yourself."
"Am I winning?"
"You're doing alright. You're not quite finished,
yet, though. One last thing."
"Right." Luke turned to his mother, who was shaking
in fear. "Mother, I want to...FUCK YOU ALL NIGHT, YEAH!!"
Luke picked up the head and set it on the table, where it
could have an unobstructed view. Then he unzipped his
pants and leapt onto his mother, knocking her chair over.
Ignoring her screams, he ripped her skirt in half and
pulled her underwear off. Without hesitation, he pulled
his cock free of his pants and plunged it into her vagina.
"Well, Dad," Luke said, pumping his mother as hard as
he could, "This must be symbolic of something too, right?"
The severed head looked on and shook itself
resignedly. "I don't even want to get into it."
Luke settled into a relaxed rhythm, feeling his balls
tighten. "Hey, my mom isn't too bad."
"Yeah, she can get pretty wild. Catholic."
"No shit?" Luke's clothes were stained with sweat.
He delighted at the sensations of her vagina, which seemed
somehow attuned to the most sensitive spots on his penis.
"Man, no wonder I was cryin' when I was born. Wouldn't
mind spending another nine months in here. Hey, mom."
She looked up at him, a somewhat glazed expression on
her face. "Yes, dear."
"How do you feel about all this?"
"Well," she sighed, "better with me than with some
stranger. You know your father and I wanted only the best
for you. But why exactly are you doing this?"
"It's a jedi thing, mom. You wouldn't understand."
Luke abruptly withdrew and held his penis over her mouth.
"Now lemme give you something to wash that turkey down
with." Gritting his teeth, he ejaculated directly into her
throat. She gagged slightly, coughing.
"So how was it, mom?"
She wiped her mouth with a napkin. "About the same as
your father. A bit more alkaline."
"Hey, if I had stayed in, and you got pregnant, what
would it be? My brother or my kid?"
"I have no idea. Why?"
"Just asking." Luke dragged himself to his feet
slowly, zipping himself up. Casually, he reached over for
his lightsaber, ignited it, and sliced his mother in half
from her cunt to the top of her head. By the time the
perfectly bisected halves were finished twitching, Luke's
entire uniform was stained crimson.
"Well," Luke said, spitting and wiping blood from his
eyes. "I believe I've made my point."
*********
Luke shook his head as he watched Dagobah slowly
recede in the rear-view mirror of his X-wing. "What a
fuckin' rip off."
R2's frustrated voice drifted out of the translator.
"YOU FACED YOUR DEMONS, DIDN'T YOU?"
"I did what felt right."
"THEN SHUT UP AND BE HAPPY."
"I don't know." Luke slapped his malfunctioning cock
against the control panel, trying to get it to soften.
"Maybe I'm not as strong as the Emperor thought."
"LIVE AND LEARN. SO ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING, THAT
SWAMP MONSTER HAD A PROLAPSED ASSHOLE, AND IT TOOK ME
ANOTHER FEW HOURS TO GET OUT OF HIS INTESTINES. HOW CAN I
EVER REPAY YOU FOR THAT EXPERIENCE? WOULD YOU LIKE LESS
OXYGEN, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"
"A simple thank you will do."
"GOSH, I WISH I COULD SUCK YOUR DICK FROM BACK HERE."
"You could, but it's an expensive upgrade."
"HAVEN'T THEY DISCOVERED SARCASM ON TATOOINE YET?"
"Try using sarcasm on a Tuskan Raider sticking his
prick in your mouth in an Anchorhead strip-joint."
"ANYTHING WOULD BE PREFERABLE TO SQUATTING IN THIS CAN
WITH YOU."
"Well, I'm glad we finally agree on something."
There was a long silence. Luke finally gave up on his
penis and let go of it. It stood up firmly in front of
him, implacable and straight as a monolith. "Before I
couldn't get it hard enough. Now it won't get soft. What
fuckin' dark star was I born under?"
"MY HEART IS PUMPING PISSWATER FOR YOU. HEY, WOULD
YOU ACTUALLY LIKE TO HEAD IN A PARTICULAR DIRECTION, OR DO
YOU JUST WANT TO GO IN A STRAIGHT LINE UNTIL WE HIT
SOMETHING?"
"Set a course, I guess."
"WHAT DIRECTION?"
"Oh..." Luke waved his hand at the starfield before
him. "Thataway."
"WHICH WAY?"
"Third star on the left."
"THE LEFT OF WHAT?"
"And straight on 'til morning."
"DO YOU WANT ME TO BLOW UP THE SHIP? I WILL. I'LL
FUCKIN' DO IT. DON'T PUSH ME."
"Hold off on that for now. Just pick a nice, close
system."
"WHY NOT BLOW IT UP? GIVE ME A GOOD REASON. ARE YOU
BEGINNING TO SEE THE VALUE OF LIFE? HAS OBI-WAN TAUGHT YOU
WELL? DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LEARN THE WAYS OF THE FORCE
AND BECOME A JEDI LIKE YOUR FATHER? CAN YOU REALLY,
FINALLY SEE THE REMOTE? HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR FIRST STEP
INTO A LARGER WORLD, A WORLD OF BRIGHT POSSIBILITIES AND
ENDLESS POTENTIAL?"
"Nah," Luke flicked at his penis, bored. "I just want
to get out somewhere and piss."
"THE CHANCES OF SUCCESSFULLY PISSING WITH A 12 INCH
BIOMECHANICAL HARD-ON ARE APPROXIMATELY 3720 TO 1."
Luke sighed, as he reached to flip off the translator.
"Never tell me the odds."
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