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Sex in Hell!
All stories on this web site are purely FICTIONAL. The people depicted within these stories only exist in someone's IMAGINATION. Any resemblence between anyone depicted in these stories and any real person, living or dead, is an incredible COINCIDENCE too bizarre to be believed. If you think that you or someone you know is depicted in one of these stories it's only because you're a twisted perverted little fucker who sees conspiracies and plots where none exist. You probably suspect that your own MOTHER had sex with ALIENS and COWS and stuff. Well, she didn't. It's all in your head. Now take your tranquilizers and RELAX.
This story, characters and contents are all (C) by David Orth, 1993. The
story can be reproduced as long as it's in it's entirety, along with this
copyright notice.
"Sex in Hell."
"Ummm, where should I start at?" The middle aged man sitting across from
me asked in a drawling, confused voice.
"Start at the beginning of the story." I said, a bit impatient. "Then,
when you finish, I'll take my computer and upload your story to Internet."
"Innernet? Huh? Wazzat?" He scratched his fat balding head and got a blank
look on his face. I wasn't surprised. I bet he got confused easily.
I shrugged it off. "It's a network of computers where--"
"Computers! Them things are tools of the devil!" He interuppted, a surely
grim look spreading across his face. "Preacher guy said so!"
"Look, do you want to find her again or not? If you do, Internet is the
only way. If she's out there, or a freind of her's is out there, she may see
this. Then you two can start again." I said, booting up my word proccessor on
my laptop. "Now please.. begin."
He took a quick drag off of his cigarette and leaned back in his chair,
which groaned under his weight. "All right then, I'll start."
I nodded, as he began.
"It wassa bout' 6 or 7 years ago... I was drivin' around in my car, my big
Ol' Delta 88', when I saw her standin' there. My heart jumped in my throat! She
was standin' in a telephone booth, diggin' through the little change place for
money. "Should I ask er' if she needs a ride?" I thought, and then I decided
too. I pulled up long' side the telephone booth.
"You lookin' for a ride, sweety?" I asked, real gentlemanly-like.
"What the hell'd ya say?" She hollared, tryin' to hear me over my car, which
is kinda real loud. I turned off the car, and after a while, it stopped
sputterin' and stuff and she could hear me. She walked up to my window, lookin'
real coy.
"I said, "You lookin' for a ride?" I asked again, bein' real polite.
"Mmmm.. depends I guess." She said. "Where ya goin?"
"Round into town, I guess, maybe to get a bite to eat." I said, hopin' she'd
join me.
She took a quick last glance at the telephone booth and said "Aww shit, ok."
She went to get into the passenger side, but that doors' all messed up, and I
gotta keep maskin' tape and coat hangers on it to keep it shut.
"Climb in my side, sweetie!" I said, kinda leanin' back so she could crawl
over me. She did that, and I got a real close look at her tits. Then she
settled down next to me.
"Name's Jimmy-Bob." I said, offerin' her my hand.
"You got a smoke?" She asked.
I dug around behind my seat cushion and found a withered old cigarrete.
"That'll have ta' fuckin' do." She sighed, and took a quick drag off of it. I
snuck a peek at her. She was about 35 or so, not real pretty, either. Bad
complexion, dressed kinda shabby, and sorta fat. In fact, I guess she was
downright ugly. Hell though, I ain't 'xactly Prince Charmin', though, seein'
how I don't have any front teeth n' all."
"Are you gonna start the car, or are we gonna sit here all damn day?" She
asked. I turned the key, and the engine tried to catch, but couldn't.
"Yer gonna haveta' push er'." I said.
"Aww shit!" She said, and tried to get out of the passenger side door.
Course', it wouldn't open easy.
"Mother fucker!" She growled, kickin' at it. I guess all that maskin' tape
and stuff gave way, cause' the door swang open. She got out and started pushin'
the car, and we started to roll, but not too much.
"Push harder!" I hollered back, bein' sure to be real nice and say "Please."
"Damn!" She sputtered. "This is gonna cost you extra!"
The car started, and she jumped in, bangin' her shin as she did.
"Extra!" I said, kinda mad. "Extra shit! I'm givin' yo a ride! You owe me!" I
said, bein' reasonable about it. That was only fair!
She crossed her arms and looked furious. "You owe me at least $10 for this,
or I ain't gonna do nothin'. And it's gotta be in a motel room, not in a car.
And you gotta buy me dinner, cause' I ain't ate all fuckin' day."
"Yes ma'am!" I said, my heart hammerin' like a scared jackrabbits! I gunned
the ol' Delta down the road as fast as I could, ready for a night of
fornicatin' with this chick I picked up from a payphone, even though I didn't
know her name! Shit, who cares bout' her name? She reached down for the radio,
and sickly kinda noise rose from the single back speaker.
"It don't work, sweetie." I said, real aplogetic-like. "I'm gonna get er'
fixed here real soon though."
"Shit, all I wanna do is hear some damn music." She said, lookin' all pissed
off. "Is that too much to fuckin' ask?"
Real tender-like, I began to sing.
"Boom boom boom,
Let's go back to my room,
where we can do it all night,
and I can make ya' feel right."
"That is the sweetest song!" She said, her eyes all kinda misty. "And you
sing it so pretty!"
"You like oldies, huh?" I asked, kinda blushin', and she nodded and threw her
arms around me, and kinda kissed me.
A little ways down the road, we got to talkin about ourselves. Actually, we
kinda just talked about her. She said she was from Hazzard, Kentucky. I asked
her if it was THE Hazzard, like the Duke boys and stuff, and she said it was! I
got all excited. "That's kinda neat!" I tol' her.
She went on to tell me that she had graduated in 74' , but got pregnant and
had to get a job as a waitress, and quit when she had the baby. She figgured
she could make a lot of money if she had kids and stayed on welfare, makin'
babies to get more money. I was bout' to tell her I thought that was right
nice, when the car came to a sharp corner. Now I swear, I wasn't speedin' or
nothin', but I'll be damned, as soon as I swerved, that car door on her side
swung open! She sure let out a hollar. I reached over and grabbed her by the
hair, and she was still hollerin' and cussin' when I drug her in. Next thing I
knew, she was slappin' and clawin' at me like a cat! I slapped her a few times,
like they do on T-V, when the car suddenly slammed into a guardrail, went into
a ditch, and commenced to smokin'!
Well damn! Let me tell you! I grabber her by the hair again and drug her out
of the car! The car coulda exploded any minute! I was a hero, like them cops on
television you see all the time. I pulled her under a tree and we waited. The
car didn't explode, but it sure was busted to hell!
"Ohh damn, my ARM!" She said, holdin' her right arm.
"Are you ok, baby?" I asked, real concerned-like.
"I..I think so... Shit! We wrecked!" She sat down and started to cry.
I didn't have the heart to tell her she was the reason we wrecked! I sat down
next to her, and she complained it was cold, so I got a flare from the car and
lit it next to her. She started to warm her hands over it when I guess she got
a mouthful of that nasty flare smoke, cause' she started coughin' a fuckin'
fit!
"I need a cigarette!" She gasped.
Well, I didn't have no more cigarettes, I'd done went and gave her the last
one back in the car. Then the rain started fallin'.
"Honey, let's get back to the car." I said.
"Hell no! It's still smokin'!" She said. "What if it blows up?"
"Well, what're we gonna do for shelter?" I asked, kissin' her head. "We're
gonna have to find a place to get out of this damn rain!" I said, bein'
sensible.
"Yeah, I guess we'd fuckin' better." She said, gettin' up, and for
conveinence's sake, we found this cave place kinda thingy.
"But aren't there gonna be bears in there?" She asked, shiverin'.
"There sure ain't no bears." I said, "Sides' I got this." I said, pullin' out
my 16" genuine Bowie knife, the best kinda knife you can buy. The man at the
flea market said so.
We went into the cave, and kinda stayed near the opening part, where there
was still kinda some light, ya know? In no time, she was undressed and standin'
in front of me. I got all naked too, an' I tol' her I was ready. She told me it
was gonna cost a lot more then $10, but she kinda grinned at me funny when she
said that.
The rain fell, real romantic-like, and it was gettin' dark, but we went at
it. I mounted her from the rear, and held er' steady. Ida' preferred she be
flat on her back, but there was too many sticks and ants and shit to do that,
so I figured "What the hell." She was real quiet durin' it all, just kinda
gruntin', never really sayin' or moanin' much. I was about to ask her if she
liked it or not, when I remembered it didn't matter shit of she did or not! I'd
be apyin' her as soon as I got done. I could have one or-gas-im for $10, or I
could have two of em' for $15. Fer $20 in food stamps, I could jack off to er'
if I wanted to. I tol' her that was fair.
But was it? I kinda shot my load early, and she demanded I get offa her. But
I wouldn't! I wasn't tryin' to be mean or nothin', but I figured she kinda owed
me, since she was the reason I wrecked my car and all. She started kickin' and
shit, so I did got off of her then. I went to the corner of the cave and
started to spank my monkey, lookin' at her. The she started puttin' her clothes
back on!
"Baby, lemme watch! I didn't mean nothin'!" I said. "Take your clothes off,
and let me watch ya!"
"Watch me hell!" She said, cryin'. "You lowdown mother fuckin' dirty stinky
son of a bitch ratass bastard! You hurt me!" Then she picked up a couple of
rocks and started throwin' them at me. I grabbed her arm. "I'm sorry!" I said,
real apologetic and polite, doin' the best I could, givin' the situation and
all.
"Fuck you!" She said, shovin' at me. She stormed out of the cave place and
disappeared into the woods, leavin' me standin' there naked in the cave.
I don't know whatever happened to her. Hell, I never did get her name. But
maybe, just maybe, if this Innernet' place is somewhere she goes to, she might
read this n' remember me. I ain't got no front teeth, and I have a Tasmanian
Devil tatooed on my ass. She was about 35 (about 41, now) and had a butterfly
and a skull tatooed on her thigh. I.. I jus' wanna say I'm sorry, and see if
she'll take me up on that dinner I still kinda owe her."
I looked up from my laptop computer at him. He seemed lost in his thoughts,
remembering her.. what it was like.
"Is that it?" I asked gently.
"Hmm? Oh.. yeah. You gonna put that on Inner'net?" He asked.
"Yeah." I said. "I'll call it "Looking for my lost Angel." She might read it,
and you two can find eachother again.
He nodded and lit another cigarette, letting out a little belch. "Why,
thankya, young feller! Thas' very nice of you."
I nodded and headed out of his tiny apartment. No way in hell this chick was on
Internet. She probably thought a computer was a "Little Professor" toy. Oh
well, I'll rename it something and upload it was fiction...
Surely this story was too weird to be true! (?)
-(C) 1993 David Orth, All rights reserved.
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