|
Letters to Honey Hog
All stories on this web site are purely FICTIONAL. The people depicted within these stories only exist in someone's IMAGINATION. Any resemblence between anyone depicted in these stories and any real person, living or dead, is an incredible COINCIDENCE too bizarre to be believed. If you think that you or someone you know is depicted in one of these stories it's only because you're a twisted perverted little fucker who sees conspiracies and plots where none exist. You probably suspect that your own MOTHER had sex with ALIENS and COWS and stuff. Well, she didn't. It's all in your head. Now take your tranquilizers and RELAX.
The Adult Playground Gazzette Proudly Presents:
****** Letter's To Honey Hog ******
<Note: This is in humor and is not meant to offend anyone! Besides, if you
don't like it, DONT READ IT!!>
Dear Honey,
I love my husband a lot, but he does something that annoys me terribly. When
we're in bed, he'll get me on the verge of orgasm, shoot his wad and just roll
over and go to sleep. He ignores the fact that I am not satisfied, saying that
he's exhausted. This is driving me up a wall. What can I do?
-Donna P.
Anytown, USA
Dear Donna,
You heard that revenge is sweet, haven't you? Start by giving your husband the
blowjob of his life, then, when he's about to come, tell him you've got a
dentist appointment early the next morning and turn off the light. On the
other hand, why not talk things over with him before taking such drastic
action-tell him if he wants to keep getting it on, he'd damn well better start
getting you off too. If THAT doesn't work, keep a vibrator handy to finish the
job yourself when hubby's too lazy. At least the moaning and the motor's hum
should keep him awake.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Honey,
I am a normal, healthy adult male in every respect except one: I often
fantasize about wearing diapers, crawling around on the floor, sucking on a
nippled bottle and otherwise, being treated like a baby. At the present time
I'm in a serious relationship with an older woman. We've been completely
honest with each other about every aspect of our lives, but I'm afraid to
reveal this secret to her. Do you think I should?
T.W.
Anytown, USA
Dear T.W.
Absolutely, but you'd better keep a pacifier on hand in case she hits the
ceiling. Actually, the behavior you fantasize about (INFANTILISMM) is more
common than you might think. There are newsletters devoted to the subject and
boutiques where you can buy size 44 diapers. Don't be ashamed to talk about
this fetish with your girlfriend. However, if you reach the stage you want to
start acting out your fantasy with her and she's reluctant, don't be a cry
baby about it. Once you've assured the young lady that you're not just kidding
around, she might agree to a roll in the playpen.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Honey,
My boyfriend and I have fooled around alot, but we've never actually gone all
the way. The most I've ever let him do is put his cock between my legs and
ejaculate on my panties. He says what he is doing is safe and that I can't get
pregnant if he does not put his penis inside me. But I'm not sure. What do
you say?
Mindy C.
Anytown, USA
Dear Mindy,
Sounds to me as if you're playing baby roulette with a loaded pistol. Sperms
are hardy little fellows, and they're used to uphill battles. If your
underwear gets soaked with semen, it's quite possible that a few of those
microscopic buggers will work their way through. Next thing you know, your
carrying the bun when you didn't even have the satisfaction of greasing the
oven.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Honey,
I love hairy women. I love it when women have mustaches, when they don't
shave their armpits or legs, and especially when they've got thick, dark hair
between their breasts. I've been looking for a woman like this to share my
life with, but I can't seem to find a lady that doesn't shave, wax, or have
electrolysis done. Tell me, please, Honey, is there some place or some way I
can find myself a real hairy woman to fulfill my dreams?
Baa Baa
Anytown, USA
Dear Baa Baa,
You could always try the monkey house at your local zoo. They tell me big,
hairy females hang out there all the time. If you insist on the human variety,
though, I suggest you find a lady with dark hair and features. Once you've
developed a relationship, you can ask her to quit shaving for you- and then you
can see what grows out of it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Editor's Note: If you think we are talking about you in this column or using
you name as a means to get at you, go see a doctor for the paranoid problem yo
u are suffering with! This column is all in jest, so, if you lack a sense of
Humor....... Abort NOW!!!
Dear Honey: I accidently swallowed two of my girlfriend's birth-control pills
a couple days ago. Now I've become paranoid about it. Honey, do birth-control
pills have weird side effects on men?
Dom Tirer
Dear Dom: I don't know how you're going to take this, but you'll never get
pregnant! Other than that, though, I wouldn't worry. If you only ingested two
pills on one occasion, the dosage of female hormones you took is too small to
cause any damage. But I wouldn't make birth-control pill popping a habit, or
you might find yourself getting uncontrolable urges to shop the lingerie
section of your favorite department store.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Honey: Times are tough, economically speaking, and the price of
contraception is high. Can condoms be washed and re-used? It seems to be a
waste to throw those littler buggers out after only one use.
B<Rubber Scrubber>B
Dear B B: Yes, as a matter of fact, they even have a special name for people
that reuse their rubbers: Parents! Honey, those 'little buggers' were
designed for comfort and efficiency, not economy; so they're made thin and fit
tight. Consequently, one session is all they can take. Try buying them in
quantity-they're cheaper by the dozen.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Honey: I'm a woman who's always had a good figure-great legs, flat
stomach, and a real tight ass. But I've never had much in the chest area. My
boobs are pretty small-about 30b. I've always wished that my tits were larger
and more prominent, but I don't want to have surgery. I've seen alot of ads
for breast enlargement devices in women's magazines, and I was wondering if any
of them work. And if they don't, is there anything short of surgery that does?
Flat in Missouri
Dear Flat: You could always try dating nearsighted men with really small
hands. I'm afraid none of those mail-order breast enlargers work. So if
you're unwilling to have surgery, you'll have to stick with what you were born
with. But if I were you, I'd count my blessings. After all, there's an old
saying that the perfect breast size is just a mouthful-and I'm sure you fit
that description.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The PlayPen Gazzette Presents:
The Classified's
----------------
For Rent:
---------
One slightly used and BLUE pussy. All teeth and scabs have been removed. For
more information leave mail to:
Blue Hershon
------------
Phone Sex: I am alone and horny. Get me off and get a FREE CALL!
Linda (214) 956-9400 Visa/MC 24 hours.
------------
New Movie Release's:
SAMBO
First Bluud Part III
Starring: Jasmine
No Pimp, No John, No Vice can stop her. A honkie cop busted her
roommateand Sambo is mad. You don't mess with this bitch!
Read the JIVE Paperback
Filmed in SisterVision.
Yo-Mama Star Pictures Release.
AC/DC:Gender-confused adults only admitted.
-----------------------------------
SOMETHING HAPPENS WHEN SHE HEARS THE MUSIC...
IT'S HER FREEDONM. IT'S HER FIRE. IT'S HER SNATCH.
FLASHERDANCE
Wanna feel it?
Take your passion and make it Flashin'!
Rated: FP: Flashers and Perverts only!
-----------------------------------
Commercial Time!!
*****************
IT'SURINE
Antiseptic
Kills sperms by millions On Contact
For general Oral Sex, Spunk Breath, Minor Cum, Crotches....
IT'SURINE
Let's face it, ladies-no matter how much you tell him you like it, a mouthfull
of jizz is about as appealing as a Drano Enema. And the thought of all those
little buggers squirming on your tongue makes you want to puke, right? Well,
now ther's a better way. It's Urine antiseptic mouthwash will leave your
tonsils clean as a whistle, thanks to a very special ingredient. We can't tell
you what it is, of course, but think real hard. You may figure it out!
-----------------------------------
Perverts Anonymous
------------------
Low Budget Bidget
*****************
In a recent Pervert Anonymous survey, Crotch Cleaning ranked third from the top
in the category of Most Desirable Jobs, right behind 'lingerie stress tester'
and 'used bicycle seat inspector'. To each his own.
***********************************
For Sale:
+++++++++
Repulsiva: Inflate-A-Mate:
At last there's an inflatable love doll that isn't better-looking than the
grotesque, oversexed slobs who generally use them. Repulsiva looks just like
the girl no one would take to the senior prom-zits and all! Not only can ugly
guys get their rocks off, but they'll feel like they're doing the doll a favor.
Spread'em Buttface. Daddy's home!!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
FREE Phone Sex:
(minimum charge 50 cents. 35 Cents each additional minute.)
1-900-410-6479
That number again!!
1-900-410-ORGY
Nasty, Explicit, Fucking and Sucking!!!!
FREE.........
----------------------------------
* The Adult Playground *
Presents:
WEEK-END SUPER SEX!
The Male Edition
<Females may want to capture this and leave it laying around as a hint!>
This position for cunnilingus <muff diving> may sound a bit zany, a little
bizarre, but that zaniness is one of the many reasons many females find it so
appealing. So give it a try tonight.
With your arms around her and the touch of your hands and lips on her naked
skin driving her wild, lead her into a standing position behind a wide and
comfortable armchair. Now lift her so that she sits on the back of it and
then, holding her hands, have her lean backward until her shoulders are on the
seat of the chair, her legs parted and feet pointing up. Her vagina will be on
a level with the back of the chair, bare and ready, and you need only lean down
a bit to lick and kiss it. And you will find her growing hot and dizzy as you
do -- but it won't be because of blood rushing to her head.
TRY THIS TOMORROW--------
Lure her out into public; then, in a crowded elevator, bus, or the aisle of
a department store-being absolutely certain no one sees you-run a hand lovingly
over her buttocks or the back of her thigh; or if possible, stand behind her
and suddenly let her become aware of your groin pressing against her rear.
There is little she can say or do in such a situation, of course, though she
may give you a look that says she is peeved. But later you are likely to see
her look change to one of desire, for most women like a little boldness and
brashness in a man, and love the man who sometimes goes against society's
'rules'.
So try being a rulebreaker today!
* The Adult Playground *
Presents:
WEEK-END SUPERSEX!
The female edition
Challenge him to a bout of sensory perception.
Have him lie naked on the bed, with his eyes tightly closed, and tell him
you are going to touch his body with ten items of different types. Defy him to
identify all ten.
Move about the room gathering the items you are going to use, and try to
make as many of them, as possible items that will appeal to his erotic senses:
p anties, a feather, lace, etc.
Now remove your bra.
Very, very lightly touch his thigh or chest with one item after another.
Then, as the tenth test of his senses, let your nipple touch his body lightly,
always being sure his eyes are remain closed.
After a few attempts he will begin to identify the other items, and, if you
are touching them to his body in a teasing, caressing manner, he will grow
excited. But the slight deception of removing your bra after the game began
should cause identification of the tenth item to elude him.
And when he opens his eyes to discover your deception he will begin to so
thoroughly familiarize himself with that item that its feel-and its taste-will
never mislead him again.
Try this one tomorrow!
Be a blabbermouth!
Pretend to be on the telephone when he arrives. Laugh and giggle a lot,
and let him hear you mention the name of a girl friend he knows as you talk into
the dead receiver. Start describing, in this one-sided conversation, the last
time you had sex with him, and capture his attention by using his name often.
Use vivid detail as you chatter about what he did to you, how wonderful it
felt, and the intimate things he said as he was doing this.
He will soon put a stop to this by taking the receiver from your hand, and
he will discover your little hoax.
And he will give you something else to talk about!
A Guide To Super Sex Week-End!
For: The Woman of the House.
FRIDAY NITE
Visual erotica has remained so popular throughout history because it
provides the most powerful sexual stimulus available to man, but only in recent
years has it been confirmed that females are excited by it as well. And only
in recent years has it become possible for the average couple, in the privacy
of their bedroom, to create their own album of erotic photographs.
Start your own album tonight.
Use a Polaroid camera to take the photos, and let him direct your poses.
You will learn alot about his desires by the poses he asks you to take and by
the parts of your body upon which he focuses, and he will learn the same as you
direct his poses.
A timer is a great help for taking photographs of the two of you together,
but you will find it can be easily done without one. Simply focus the camera o
n the spot where you are going to be, fix it firmly in place, and have it clos
e so that one of you can reach out and snap the picture.
The results may not be entirely professional, but you will find that
intimaate photos in which you and he are participants are far more exciting
that any erotica that is for sale; and you will not only find the two of you
taking down the album to enjoy it on many occasions, but adding to it as well.
SATURDAY!
You may know that certain changes in temperature on the erogenous zones can
be used to give him a higher degree of sexual pleasure, but are you also aware
of how they can stimulate YOU to new heights of orgasm? Here is a techique that
will allow you to experience one such thrill while at the same time offering
him a sexual experience that plays on several of his senses.
Wearing a sexy, flimsy negligee that you can part to reveal a tiny bra and
crotchless panties, take a book into the bedroom and one or two cans of ice
cold beer. Tell him you are going to read a bit, and ask if he would care to
join you. He will.
Sit with your back resting against the headboard of the bed, and pretend to
read, letting the negligee carelessly part to reveal your excitingly clad body.
After a moment or two, casually take a sip of the beer, then tilt the can,
'acidentally' spilling a few drops of the cold brew on the pubic hair that is
revealed by your exotic, erotic underwear.
Teasingly ask him if he would like to drink the beer from your body, then,
without giving him a chance to reply, spread your thighs and pour a little more
cold liquid over your vagina.
As the cold liquid seeps down over your vagina area, you will find that the
shock of it brings your clitoris quickly to full erection; and as he licks and
sucks at you with his warm mouth, you will find that the contrasting sensations
of warmth and cold cause you to undergo one violent orgasm after another.
He too, will be aware of those contrasting temperatures as he presses his
mouth to your vagina to suck from it the flowing liquids, and he will be
experiencing pleasure of another nature. The desire to men, and it is this
desire to which you are catering,
Just have pleanty of beer on hand.
SuperSex For Him to Her!
FRIDAY
Ask her to pose for some nude and semi-nude photos.
Most women, no matter what they say, really do envy those girls who are paid
to display their bodies - dancers, strippers, models, etc. - and she will be
flattered if you go about it right.
Tell her she is far more lovely than most girls featured in such magazine
photos, that you have long dreamed of seeing her in erotic poses and costumes,
and assure her that no one else will ever see the pictures. You may be
surprised at how readily she agrees, after a little coaxing.
Use a Polaroid to take the photos, and help her select the skimpy bra and
undies she is to wear. Let your hands caress her body as you direct her poses -
and be prepared to agree if she wants a few nude photos of you.
And be prepared for what will surely follow.
SATURDAY
Tonight let a bottle of baby oil add a new sheen to your love making!
Have the bottle of lotion near the bed, and at the proper moment, when she
is naked and ready, pour a few drops of it into the palm of your hand and ask
her to relax while you apply it to her body. Do this with gentle, arousing
strokes of your hand; and then, when her body is gleaming with the smooth oil,
lie back and let her spread it on over you.
Both of you will enjoy the process of applying oil, but more important, you
will find that there is an exciting new sleekness of your bodies as you come
together for the making of love.
No baby ever had it so good.
The End until next week-end.
SuperSex From Her to Him!
FRIDAY
Start a dairy today. In it describe in great detail, your favorite sexual
techniques and positions. Use his name often, and refer to the certain most
exciting thing he has done to you in the recent past.
Then leave the diary, with the pages open, where he will be certain to find
it. Leave him alone in that room and give him time to look through it. Don't
mention the book at all.
He will soon be performing those most exciting acts again.
SATURDAY
Arrange for an evening out. Dress very sexily, but be cool and demure as
you leave the house. Then when you are in the car and it is too late for him
to do anything about it, lean over, kiss him - and guide his hand beneath your
skirt to reveal that you are wearing no panties!
Don't let him talk you into returning home; make him go through with the
plans for the evening, whatever it may be.
To most men this bit of daring can be very exciting, and as the evening
wears on, he will be unable to push from his mind the vision of the nakedness
that lies beneath your skirt. If the two of you are dancing this night, his
arousal will be even greater, and you may have to make a short night of it to
keep him from exploding.
The End till next Friday!
Doctor Jellyfinger Reports:
What's really irritating are several types of girls you meet at bars.
The first one is the...
STUCK UP BITCH: if you ask this cow to dance, she'll turn you down even if you
look like Tom Selleck. Like, just going out for a little bitty dance means
they're obligated to fuck you, SHEEZ! A dance is just a dance, I probably
wouldn't trouble myself to try to pork one of them because it might require
dinner, dancing and a brand new BMW!
Now we have another type the...
POSESSIVE JEALOUS BITCH: if you ask this swine to dance, you'll have to fuck
her or she'll cut your nuts off! She gets so few dates and dances that the
first poor sucker that says 'HELLO' to her will get deep throated!
Then we have the...
INSISTANT NAGGING BITCH: She'll come up and ask YOU to dance and threaten your
life if they happen to be playing a song you hate and just happen to want to
wait ONE LITTLE SONG LATER.... she'll shreik 'BUT I WANNA DANCE RIGHT NOW
GODDAMNIT!'.
After all of these charming beauties, we run across the...
INCOHERENT LUSH BITCH: You've shot a game of pool with this broad, you've
bought her drinks at other times, you've even danced with her before... but the
next time you ask her to dance, she will dance with you yet she claims she
can't remember you at all!
Haven't I been describing the Jewels of the Nile? And on we go further
detailing female bar vermin with the most evil and vile form of female bar life
that has been found on this or any other planet...
THE KILLER ATTACK CUNT: She's usually in her late 30's or early 40's, not too
hot looking but figures by offering immediate occupancy into any of her various
body cavities that she'll get you for the night and that you'll worship her
ass. Venus she ain't, Alpo may be closely related.... she begs and whines for
you to tell her how BEAUTIFUL she <ugh!> is... she'll try sticking her tongue
in your ear and clean it better than any Q- tip ever invented! You try to
nicely discourage this type, but they don't take 'NO!' for an answer. You can
do anything short of pointing a loaded revolver to this cows head and she won't
back off.
Unfortunately, her type has mutated into a new strain called the...
ONE OWNER KILLER ATTACK CUNT: This breed already has a man, who usually wears
glasses that have lenses 2 feet thick, and he thinks she's a love goddess and
wants HER for HIM! HE TARZAN, SHE JANE..... er... CHEETAH! Now, she wants
YOU and HE wants HER and someone is about to DIE, wish it were HER instad of
ME! Did I ask for this broad? NOOOOO! Didn't I try to get rid of her?
YEEEES! Does he believe me? NOOOO! Oh well, SHIT!
Alas, but not all is as dim and grisly as I have said. There are some sweeties
out there too! Although these nice girls are under constant siege from the
Male Overlords of the bar. You know the kind of guys that think they're GOD'S
GIFT TO WOMEN and love themselves intensely? Anyway, out of these nice girls
are even some odd varieties.
How about the...
HOWARD HUGHES BITCH: she's so nice, and you like her so much, she'll dance her
ass off with you, party with you till dawn, screw your brains out, give you her
phone number but YOU CAN NEVER REACH HER! ARG! The next time you meet her
you'll have another night in heaven, but UNTIL THEN.....
Or the...
DOUCHEBAG VIRGIN BITCH: She's also a real sweetie but when she drops her
panties she emits an odor that'll knock Godzilla flat!
For us boob fans they have...
THE TITLESS BITCH: when the bra comes off you find out that the bra WAS the
bumps on her chest! I'm sorry, but give me mammaries or give me death!
Last, but not forgotten is the...
DING-BAT BITCH: She seems so nice until you attempt intellectual conversation
and she thinks the MID-EAST CRISIS is rush hour on I-70!
**** The PlayPen Gazzette ****
[x] The Classified's
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CHEVY AVAILABLE
Cicano man w/grn card seeks SWF coll. grad. Blonde with large breasts and
jumper cables.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NO FATTIES, PLEASE
SWM seeks SW whale. Into obsessive behav. 8,000 gal. tank on prem. No harpoons.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MOUSEKETEERS
Housebroken gay man seeks new romantic hts. w/gay or bi gerbil or other small
rodent. Likes tennis, quiet dinners, & exploring new orifices. Shredded paper.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LICKETY-SPLIT
Steroid-loving gay female tuna packer seeks sincere woman. Likes bike st.
sniffing, intimidation. A real lap dog. Don't muff this oprtnity.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BIRD IN HAND
Lonely SWM seeks sap-sucker. Grubs supplied. Audubon membrs. need not apply.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LIGHT MY FIRE
Straight SM w/burns over 60% of body, searching for sensible relationship. Poor
eyesight a must.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HANDS OF THE HAIR
Bored WF in golden yrs. seeks much younger man for discreet affair. Pvt.jet,
large white house in centr. D.C. location. Must have own whips and chains.
(Husb.pub.fig. who naps a lot).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**PlayPen Gazzette**
Fact Or Fiction
The News the paper will not print!
St.Louis, Mo - In an act that would send shivers up the Lone Ranger's spine, 29
year old Fredrick Pruitt was arrest for some bizarre horsing around. He
admitted to police over a six month period he'd performed deviant sexual acts
with Shetland ponies used for rides at children's Birthday Parties. According
to authorites, several of the beast suffered internal injuries, and one may
have been destroyed. Pruitt was held in the St. Louis County Jail in lieu of
$35,000 bond, a high price to pay for a roll in the hay!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Santa's Little Helper
Lincoln, NE.-We now know what Santa does in the off season when he's not
filling stockings. He's stuffing his VCR with explict tapes of naked elves.
That's why Robert L. Stewart, Kris Kringle at East Park Plaza mall, was
arrested. Stewart had video taped a 16 year-old girl-one of his elf helpers-in
the buff, without so much a twig of mistletoe. He pleaded innocent in court,
but it looks like Father Christmas is going to spent some time behind bars this
year. The Judge had no trouble telling who was naughty and not nice.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fucked Behind The Wheel
Stewartville,Mn-If you get caught driving while intoxicated in this town, try
telling the judge you were making love-not knocking off a six pack. That's
what Brian Stephan did, and it worked-sort of. Stephan was charged with
driving under the influence after an Olmstead County sheriff's deputy found him
with a woman in his car on a rural county road. But prior to the court hearing
the prosecuting attorney agreed to drop the drunk driving rap in favor of the
less serious 'Fornication charge' which carried only a $55 fine. We suspect
the arresting office couldn't detect the smell of booze on Stephan's
breath..... But how about Pussy Juice?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lady Of Lay
Tokyo, Japan-'Give me your tired, your poor, your horny.' It seems a
20-foot-tall reproduction of the Statue of Liberty that sits atop a Tokyo
pay-by-the-hour 'love-nest', the hotel New York, is making some visiting Yanks
angry. Outraged American students have issued a statement calling it
'unbearable to use th e Statue of Liberty, which is seen in America, in this
manner.' Considering what goes on inside the hotel, the Washington Monument
would be more appropriate
.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
