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Sex Court case 0007- 95a
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Subject: Repost: Sex Court Case #007-95 Part 1
Date: Tue Jun 20 01:16:31 1995
JUDGE FELIX S. WRIGGLESWORTH: ---- SEX COURT ----
Case #0007-95a (Part I)
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COUNTY DISTRICT COURT
County of Wexford
MR. BILLIE JO STUMPLE,
Case No. 0007-95
HON: Felix S. Wrigglesworth
Plaintiff,
vs.
MS. CANDY LYKLIT,
Defendant,
April 2, 1995: Transcript follows:
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JUDGE: Okay, so who's the plaintiff here?
PLAINT: I am, your honor.
JUDGE: State your name, please.
PLAINT: Billie Joe Stumple. Look, your Honor, I got a shitload of
stuff I should be doing right now, and I was kinda
wondering if we could sorta zip through this real quick
and....
JUDGE: Mr. Stumple?
PLAINT: Yes?
JUDGE: Please shut up.
PLAINT: Yes, your honor.
JUDGE: Thank-you. I take it, then, that you are the defendant,
Miss?
DEF: Yes, judge.
JUDGE: Your name?
DEF: Ms. Candy Lyklit.
JUDGE: "Ms. Candy Lick-clit?"
DEF: Yes, your honor?
JUDGE: No. I was just wondering if that was your *real* name.
DEF: Yes, it is. You can just call me Candy if you like.
JUDGE: Why, thank you. Yes, I think I would prefer to do that.
Now, Mr. Stumple, what exactly is it you allege regarding
the defendant?
PLAINT: I allege that she tried to do me great bodily harm by
nearly biting my dick off, your honor. It hasn't been the
same since the vicious attack against my person by the
complaintiff, and I want to be compensated for the pain I
suffered and extreme mental hardship. Oh, yeah, and I
want her to apologize. The fucking cunt nearly bit the
goddamned thing off and....
JUDGE: Mr. Stumple?
PLAINT: Yes, your honor?
JUDGE: I ask that you kindly refrain from using obscenities in
this courtroom. Am I asking too much?
PLAINT: No, you aint. Shit! I'm sorry.... I know I gotta fuckin'
mouth on me, sir, but I'll try to tone it down....
JUDGE: <sigh> Yes, good, I'm glad. So you allege that Ms. Lick-
...er...Ms. Candy here, tried to (cough) bite your penis
off? Is that correct.
PLAINT: Damn straight, your honor. You can still see the
goddamned teeth marks on it. Want me to show it to you?
JUDGE: <Deep sigh> Actually, Mr. Stumple, I'm afraid, God forbid,
that it might just come down to that. I promise I'll do my
best to avoid such an unpleasant eventuality, you can rest
assured. In the meantime, please keep it in your pants.
PLAINT: Sure, your honor.
JUDGE: Ms. Candy, do you deny Mr. Stumple's charges?
DEF: Yes, I do, your honor! I didn't do it! Besides, it wasn't
my fault! That sonofabitch was beating on my head like a
bongo!
PLAINT: BECAUSE YOU WERE TRYING TO BITE MY FUCKING COCK OFF, YOU
WHORE! WHAT THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, STAND THERE
AND SING THE GODDAMNED BATTLE HYMN OF THE FUCKING REPUBLIC
WHILE YOU TURNED ME INTO A GIRLSCOUT?
JUDGE: ALRIGHT! Both of you: SHUT UP!
<Long pause>
JUDGE: There. That's better. Now, Mr. Stumple, the next time I
hear an outburst like that from you, obscenities included
or not, I'm gonna hog-tie you and stuff a greasy gag in
that noxious yap of yours. Do you understand?
DEF: Jeez! I'm REALLY sorry, your honor. I don't know what the
fuck comes over me sometimes.
JUDGE: Yes, I'm sure you're terribly sorry. Oh, yes, and as to
what "comes over you," the technical name is "dementia."
Now let's get on with this charade, okay? It appears that
Ms. Candy here denies your charges. I know I'm going to
regret this, but could you please describe the incident to
the court, Mr. Stumple?
PLAINT: <shrugging> Yeah. See, I was walkin' down the street and
mindin' my own business on the south side of town. My old
lady's mother (she's my mother-in-law) was supposed to
have a color tv she got ahold of and I was gonna
sell...er, fix it up for her and .. anyway, like I said,
I wasn't botherin' nobody when, bam!, outa nowhere, SHE
comes walkin up and starts yappin at me.
JUDGE: You mean Ms. Candy?
PLAINT: Yeah, her.
JUDGE: I see. And what exactly was she saying?
PLAINT: Hell, before I even had time to break wind, she was
propositioning me....
JUDGE: Propositioning you? As in soliciting?
PLAINT: Nope. She wasn't selling any fucking magazines or
anything. She just offered to give me a blow-job for
twenty bucks, is all.
DEF: I DID NOT! YOU FUCKING WIMP! He's lying, your honor.
JUDGE: Actually, Mr. Stumple, that's what I meant by "soliciting."
She was offering sex for money. Is that correct?
PLAINT: Yeah.
JUDGE: I see. And you took her up on her offer?
PLAINT: For twenty bucks?? Hell, no! I never paid a fucking
whore twenty bucks for ANYTHING, 'specially not a head-
job!
JUDGE: So you turned her down?
PLAINT: Fuckin-A-Right I did! I offered her 5.
JUDGE: And she accepted?
PLAINT: Yup! <snicker> It wasn't fuckin' worth it, though....
DEF: He's lying again, your honor!
JUDGE: Ms. Candy, you'll have an opportunity to describe your side
of things in just a bit. In the meantime, please be quiet.
DEF: Okay.
JUDGE: Good. So, according to you, Mr. Stumple, she accepted your
counter-offer of $5 to engage in sex. Is that right?
PLAINT: That's right.
JUDGE: I see. So what happened next?
PLAINT: She blew me.
JUDGE: Right. Right. I assumed that. What I meant, was, how did
it come about that Ms. Candy performed fellatio on you?
I'm assuming she didn't just kneel down in the middle of
the street? Hell, I guess I shouldn't assume anything
nowadays..... That's NOT what happened, was it?
PLAINT: <laughing> Naw! We went into an alley. Shit, you think
I got no self-respect? Gimme a break! I wouldn't do it
in the middle of no fucking street, at least not in broad
daylight!
JUDGE: I'm glad, Mr. Stumple. By the way, this is my last warning
to you about your language. The next foul word I hear
popping out of that cesspool you call a mouth, I'm going
to seriously consider throwing this case out the window and
heading for the golf course, where I will be much happier.
Do you understand?
PLAINT: Yeah, I hear ya. Sorry.
JUDGE: Good. So the two of you went into an alley?
PLAINT: Yup.
JUDGE: And it was there that you allege Ms. Candy had oral sex
with you?
PLAINT: Yeah. I allege she sure as hell did.
JUDGE: Then what happened?
PLAINT: Well, I handed over a 5 spot, and she unzips my pants and
takes out my wanker. It takes her a few minutes 'cause
I'm kinda big, if you know what I mean, judge! <winks>
I'm thinkin' "Cool! Nothin like a nice suck-off on a hot
July day..." She kinda works her lips over the head
nice and slow and starts doin a pretty respectable job,
at least comparatively speakin'. And I'm leanin back
against this dumpster, just enjoying myself, my eyes
closed, thinkin about Pamela Anderson, when BAM!, the
BITCH starts chewin on my JOHNSON! I mean, hell your
honor, I don't know if you ever had anybody clamp down on
YOU like they was SERIOUSLY gonna end all the fun in your
life FOREVER, but I can sure tell you I nearly shit my
britches.
JUDGE: I see. Actually, Mr. Stumple, I've never had such an
unfortunate experience. I suppose it would cause
considerable consternation. And at any point, did you
attempt to use Ms. Candy's head "like a bongo?"
PLAINT: <shrugging> Well... I mean... It was like self-defense.
SHE started it! What the hell was I supposed to do? I
just wanted her to STOP! I figured, hey, if I beat on her
head, maybe her mouth would kinda pop open... You know,
like a jack-in-the-box.
JUDGE: Yes. Like a jack-in-the-box. I think I get the picture.
I take it that it worked, since you're not still both
attached?
PLAINT: Hee! Hee! Boy, you're a riot there, yer honor! Yeah, it
worked, but only after she nearly sheared the head right
off.
JUDGE: Then what happened, Mr. Stumple?
PLAINT: Not much. I just fell down and curled up in a little
ball. I think I passed out or something. I don't
remember much until I woke up at the hospital with a big
old band-aid wrapped around it like a sock.
JUDGE: And Ms. Candy never said anything at all to you? Never
explained WHY she.....did what she did?
PLAINT: Nope. Nary a word. The last thing I remember, God
Almighty, was her shit-eating grin and my blood drippin
outa her mouth like she was some kinda fuckin vampire or
somethin....
JUDGE: Alright. Is there anything else you'd like to add, Mr.
Stumple?
PLAINT: Nope. Guess not. Oh, yeah, actually... When's the jury
commin in?
JUDGE: There's no jury, Mr. Stumple. I'm the one making the
decision here. And you're asking for how much money
again?
PLAINT: 500 bucks, your honor. At least. Maybe more if I can get
it.....
JUDGE: Yes. I'm sure. Well, Ms. Candy, I take it you do not
agree with Mr. Stumple's description of the events of that
day?
DEF: Nope. He's got it all wrong. I aint no whore, and I never
touched his precious weenie.
JUDGE: Okay, here we go. So please tell the court what you
believe happened.
DEF: Sure. I'm walking down the street to get some groceries.
I'm all outa Mrs. Butterworth syrup and I'm makin some
pancakes. So, suddenly, I hear this moan in the alley. I'm
not a curious kinda person, specially not in THIS town, your
honor. But this aint no normal "moan." This is an
"Ohmigawd, I'm commin' and I'm never goin home to momma
again" moan. So I decided I should maybe check it out. I
like a nice laugh once in a while. Who knows, it might even
be worth tellin' my sister in Jersey about. So I peek
around the corner, and next to this dumpster I see the
asshole...
JUDGE: Mr. Stumple?
DEF: Yeah. The asshole. And you know what he's doin, judge?
JUDGE: I haven't the foggiest, Ms. Candy. I'm sure it'll be much
worse than anything *I* could imagine. But I can assure
you that we're all just dying to know here.
---- To Be Continued in: Sex Court Case #0007-95b (Part 2) ---
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