Household Hints

by Chuck Paluhniuk

How to get bloodstains out a fur coat: Cornmeal and brushing the fur the wrong way. The tricky part is keeping your mouth shut.

How to get blood off piano keys: Polish with talcum powder or powdered milk.

How to get bloodstains out of wallpaper: Put on a paste of cornstarch and cold water. This will also work on a matteress or a davenport.

The trick is to forget how fast these things can happen. Suicides. Accidents. Crimes of passion.

Just concentrate on the stain until your memory is completely erased. Practice really does make perfect.

The fastest way to hide bullet holes in a living-room wall, is this toothpaste. For larger ones, mix a paste of equal parts starch and salt.

To repair stab holes in nightgowns, tuxedos and hats, use a little clear nails polish on the inside of the puncture.

Green-tinted moisturizer will help hide red, slapped skin.

Any gentleman who's ever been backhanded by a lady with her diamond ring should know a stypic pencil will stop the bleeding. Close the gash with a dab of Super Glue and you can be photographed at a movie premier, smiling and without stiches or a scar.

Always keep a red washcloth around for wiping up blood, and you'll never have a stain to presoak.

The next time someone socks a tooth out of her husband's mouth, save the tooth in a glass of milk until he can see the dentist. In the meantime, mix zinc oxide and oil of cloves into a white paste.

Rinse the empty socket and pack it with the paste for a quick and easy filling that hardens lickety-split.

For tear stains in a pillow case, treat them the same way you would a perspiration stain. Dissolve five aspirin in water and daub the stain until it's gone. Even if there's a mascara stain, the problem's solved.

To get lipstick out of a collar, rub in a little white vinegar.

For stubborn protein-based stains, like semen, try rinsing with cold saltwater, then wash as usual.

To pick up broken glass from that jimmied bedroom window or smashed highball, you can blot up even the tiniest shards with a slice of bread.