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A War of All Wars
Filename: p.053
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): A War of All Wars
Author(s): Robert A. Jung
Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster: Brian Mallari
Date posted: 1989 03 06 00:47:42 GMT
First date published: 1989 03 06 00:47:42 GMT
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After extrapolating all of the avaliable data, I ran a (very) long
simulation battle on the basis of "What would happen if the Empire
(from Star Wars) fought the Federation?"...Bear with us, the results are
excrutiating:
The Death Star rolls into the Earth's solar system. As it passes the orbit
of Jupiter, long-range sensors in Federation headquarters begin to sound.
The threat is recognized! Starfleet issues a priority-one alert, and
every avaliable ship is gathered for a fight!
The Empire opens its bay doors, and a swarm of small metallic fighters
attack! Taking the defensive, Federation ships ratalliate, but soon space
is filled with chunks of metal debris and lots of excess component atoms.
Just as all hope is lost, and the weakened (but still going strong) Empire
heads towards Earth, the Enterprise appears!
With the ungodly creativeness of her captain, the NCC -1701-A performs
maneuvers unheard of in a Federation vessel. Photon torpedoes and phaser
banks are fired, to various degrees of efficiency. The Death Star retaliates
with a gigantic laser, containing energy readings "off the scale". Yet,
despite taking several would-be deadly blows, the Enterprise still flies.
In total defiance of all laws of combat, the Death Star proceeds STRAIGHT
for the Enterprise, with intent to run her over! Instead of fleeing, however,
Captain James Kirk orders the release of her shuttlecraft, each loaded with
antimatter on kamakazie runs!
The attack is successful! Major hunks of the Death Star are blown away,
and the battle station is threatened with destruction! However, before the
Enterprise can complete its attack, off the preimeters of the battlefield
appears a Cylon Battle Station!
The double-disc station remains aback, but hundreds of cold-blooded,
lifeless spaceships pour forth. The Cylons lay a merciless attack on both
sides, catching everyone by surprise. But before a victor can be determined,
a Klingon/Romulan (they've decided to unite their forces and take advantage
of this mess) fleet appears!
Not knowing the strength of ths new threat, they pursue the logical plan,
and attack the Cylons first. As the Death Star and the Enterprise, both
too weak to participate and planning later attacks/strategies, watch on, the
Cylons, Klingons, and Romulans continue a brand new, bloodthirsty battle!
Surrounding space is littered with bolts of energy, and fatalities mount
up on all sides (except for the Cylons, who were never alive to begin with).
But then a lone battlestar, leading a rag-tag fugitive fleet of ships,
appears! It's the Battlestar Galactica, who have *finally* found their
long-lost home planet of Earth!
But it's not peaches and cream, for they are suddenly surrounded and
berated by the Cylons (hey, it *is* their primary function). The Klingons,
Romulans, Empire, and Enterprise, completely misinterpreting the whole
mess, start shooting each other blindly, and raising more chaos than ever
before! Colonial vipers fight against Imperial TIES, who are in turn
blasting Cylon fighters against Romulan Birds of Prey, who cloak themselves
against the Enterprise as it pursues Klingon warships with antimatter-
laided shuttlecraft.
A burst of light catches everyone's attention! It's a stargate opening,
and Buck Rogers flies through, attempting to restore order to all this!
He fails miserably, and is struck by a stray laser, reduced to component
atoms before he can even mutter a clever line...
But wait! A gigantic metal humanoid form appears on the horizon! It's the
SDF-1, and Macross jets/robots stream from its arms! As missiles are
fired and bolts are blasted, alliances are quickly formed on the field of
battle. The Zentratti appear, with their long, short, ugly green lumpy
ships, and take potshots at anyone who appear to be even remotely allied
with the Robotech pilots.
But then there is hope! The Rebel fleet, having completed their transwarp
calculations, appear out of hyperspace! With uncanny mastery of the Force,
and a quality script, they speedily and accurately fire upon everyone in
sight! (Hey, they're the little guys, the gotta get paranoid). However,
with the multitude of energies flying around, the hyperspacial portal
tears a rift in space-time!
With a >pop< and a >poof<, Groo the Wanderer appears within the SDF-1!
With the instincts of a mindless beast, Groo proceeds to destroy anyone
with any shred of evidence aboard the robotic battlestation. Within a
matter of minutes, he has devastated all central control, and is busy with
a vat of artificial cheese-dip and watching the pretty fireworks outside.
The same energies that deposited the pants-less barbarian aboard the
SDF-1 also managed to deposit Mighty Mouse aboard the Death Star. Despite
his best efforts, however, the mouse cannot figure out who is "good" and
who is "evil" (after all, cats are evil, but they're not here). He flies
out into space, through one of the Death Star's many battle-infested
breaches, and smashes his way through any and all ships firing in his general
vicinity.
What a mess.
But wait! There's more! As the Klingons, Cylons, Robotech fighters,
Romulans, Colonial Viper pilots, Emperial TIE fighters, Rebels, and the
USS Enterprise attempt to make heads and tails out of everything (and
firing randomly the whole time), a gigantic metal orb appears! It's
Unicrom, the planet-eating robotic monstrosity, who dives straight for the
Death Star, and devours it completely within minutes!
At least SOMEbody finally lost. However, before Unicrom can turn his
attentions to the planet Earth, a small fiery humanoid female flies into
place! It's Nova, and behind her is her master, the planet-ravaging
immortal (?) Galactus! Among arguments of who should have gotten first
dibs on the Death Star (which no one else can hear, since "in space no one
can hear you scream"), Unicrom and Galactus go 1-on-1 in zero-gravity
wrestling!
But there's hope! As every loose faction and unaccounted-for member of
pulp science-fiction, comic books, silly cartoons, and anything else
appear, and tries to get mentioned here, a flash of blue blinks in the
appearance of the NEXT Sta Trek Enterprise!
A green beam fires from the (very) ugly ship, engulfs the contestants, who
promptly vanish in a puff of smoke! On the subspace radio, the next voice
heard is the whine of Acting Admiral Wesley Crusher, who is giving a
detailed analysis of how his Trans-warp Reality-Multiaxial dimensional
Morgifier had calculated everyone's respective realities, and "fixed
everything up real nice".
As the Federation expresses its thanks (wouldn't you?), a lone phone
booth >plots!< into existence on the Enterprise's bridge. Stepping out of
the booth, and onto the custom upholstered carpeting, a small chap with a
long rainbow scarf and a Cockney accent speaks to young Wes about "we
still have't figured this all out. Do bring that Vader fellow and that
Seargent Kirk person here, and we'll have them resolve this right quick"...
--R.J.
B-)
P.S. Oh yes. The Klingon's Amigas promptly blow their disks to magnetic
heaven, and the UNIX programmers on Earth station 3 (both of them) are
baffled by the words "JDHIONAL RESISTALIC" appearing on their monitors...
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