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The Beings
From: Chuan Chee
To: All Msg # 146 18 Oct 90 05:55:14
Subj: Parody p.085: The Beings
From: [email protected] (Chuan Chee)
Date: 18 Oct 90 03:06:49 GMT
Organization: CSRI, University of Toronto
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Filename: p.085
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): The Beings
Author(s): Douglas Bone
Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster: Douglas Bone
Date posted: 1990 01 23 05:28:58 GMT
First date published: 1990 01 23 05:28:58 GMT
Collector: Chuan K. Chee
Date collected: 1990 01 23
Date reformatted: 1990 09 18
Deposited on system:
Date deposited:
Accessed by:
The following material may have been altered by:
(1) removing header and trailer (.sigs)
(2) fitting it in 72 columns
(3) correcting obvious spelling mistakes
(4) removing page feeds
Chuan K. Chee
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BEINGS
by Douglas Bone ([email protected])
[External shot of Enterprise underway on warp drive]
[Voiceover to Picard]
PICARD: Captain's log, stardate 43764.2. The Enterprise is
transporting over a dozen all-powerful beings to an important
all-powerful beings conference on Pacifica. We are still two days
away at maximum warp, whatever that is.
[Interior shot of Ready Room. Picard seated behind desk.]
PICARD: Whom am I addressing?
[Camera backs off to reveal a set of disembodied glowing lights
"seated" across the desk from Picard.]
ENTITY: My name is not pronouncable by Humans....Call me Ishmael.
PICARD: Very well, Ishmael. You speak excellent English.
ENTITY: Of course, all creatures speak English. How else would we
communicate? But the purpose of my visit....Wesley Crusher...
PICARD: You know Wesley?
ENTITY: I'm an all-powerful being you idiot. All-powerful beings
always know the names of everyone on the show! Anyway -- Wesley is
special. I thought you should know.
[The entity disappears. Moments later, Q appears standing next to
Picard.]
PICARD: Q!
Q: Hello, Picard. I know there is a long line of all-powerful
beings lined up to see you --
PICARD Q!
Q: Oh, very well. There is a long line of all-powerful beings
queued up to see you, but I just had to see you now.
PICARD: What is it?
Q: I have information which will be of value. A veritable Q tip.
PICARD: What is the Q tip?
[Q hands Picard a cotton swab. Picard takes it.]
Q: A thin paper object with cotton on each end invented in 20th
century Earth. But that is not important right now--
PICARD: Q --
Q: Wesley is special.
PICARD: I know that! Every all-powerful being on this ship has been
telling me that for three days. Can't you people delegate authority and
have a representative tell me --
Q: Well, Picard. Many of us aren't really all powerful but we
won't admit it. Many of these entities are living a lie. Just like
the Colorado football team. By the third act, they'll be renouncing
their powers and scrambling to do magic tricks --
[Intercom chirp]
RIKER: Captain, sensors detect an object on an intercept course
closing at ultra-warp speeds.
PICARD: Acknowledged. Don't you mean transwarp?
RIKER: Negative sir.
PICARD: On my way.
ACT 1
[Picard enters the bridge. Regular bridge crew are present.]
DATA: It came up on us fast. Sensors show that it has relatively no
mass. It is perfectly flat, absorbs all electromagnetic radiation,
and has dimensions of exactly 1m by 4m by 9m.
WORF: Recommend we raise shiels and arm weapons.
PICARD: Negative. This is Star Trek. Since this is sweeps month, we
are allowed to go to red alert once, but let's not get carried away.
This should be the monolith ambassador.
DATA: Confirmed sir. All known monoliths have this aspect ratio.
Most of them in this part of the galaxy are white, unlike the black
ones near Earth.
TROI: Why would such an advanced race resist monolithic integration?
RIKER: You knew about this?
PICARD: Yes. Our orders are quite explicit on the matter. We must
bring the monolith aboard by shuttlecraft. They refuse to be transported.
WORF: Shuttle bay two reports ready. Shuttlecraft away.
DATA: The freight shuttle will not be able to retrieve the monolith.
These next generation shuttles are too small to accomodate a 9m
monolith.
RIKER: Prepare square-root beam.
DATA: Neutrino banks ready.
RIKER: Engage.
[External shot. A beam from the Enterprise zaps the obelisk.]
DATA: Beam off. Object is now 1m by 2m by 3m.
WORF: Shuttle is alongside.
PICARD: Number one, please greet our guest in the hangar bay.
[Intercom chirp]
WORF: Geordi reports that the phasers in the armory have been
changed into swords. Also, a message from--
[Picard and Worf disappear.]
[Picard and Worf reappear in the holodeck. Beside them, they see
President Reagan, President Gorbachev, Colonel Green, Khan, a Gorn and
several non-descript figures. In front of them, a strange rock
creature sits on the holodeck floor. A strange whirling, circular
light pattern hovers in the air. To the side, a young man in a white
robe appears.]
ROCK: We have brought you hear to test whether good can triumph over
evil.
KHAN: [approaching the rock creature menacingly] You let Kirk live,
didn't you? From h*ll's heart I stab at thee--
[The whirling light becomes more intense]
GORBACHEV: Yes, open-ness. Say how you really feel.
REAGAN: Don't listen to this man. His evil empire exemplifies a
discredited philosophy--
[The whirling light becomes more intense. Swords appear in Reagan and
Gorbachev's hands. They begin fighting.]
PICARD: Enough! [Facing the rock] You are here as guests of the
Federation. What right do you have--
[An old dude with a large head materializes. It speaks:]
HEAD: I have taken this form many eons ago so I could speak with you. We
shall not allow this to continue. When we gave these beings these
powers, it was necessary for them to survive on Thasis. But, we now
see that they are too tempted --
BOY: We are the Metrons. Your race is too primitive to lecture us.
And by the way, Picard, Wesley is spacial.
[The whirling light becomes more intense]
ROCK: So what is evil?
[The Metron BOY grabs sword from Reagan. Reagan, Gorbachev, Green, Kahn,
others disappear. He walks over to the head and begins beating it.]
PICARD [To Worf]: Let's get out of here.
[RIKER and PICARD exit holodeck. As they open the door, They see a
large glowing sphere rolling down the hall. It smashes into some
large bowling pins, crashes into a wall, cracks open, and turns black.
TRELLANE runs down the corridor, past RIKER and PICARD, to examine the
carnage.]
TRELLANE: Oops.
RIKER: You've killed Sargon!
SARGON: [Disembodied voice] No, I have powers even Hanock does not
suspect. I wish to speak to the Picard.
RIKER: Who is Hanock?
ROBIN: Plot Holey continuity error, captain! You went into the
holodeck with worf but returned with Riker!
PICARD: I am the Picard.
SARGON: I now require a body as my sphere has been broken.
RIKER: We could store you in the ship's computer.
SARGON: No, it is already too crowded in there. I require your android.
[Alarm claxons sound]
END OF ACT I
ACT2
[Regular crew on bridge.]
WESLEY: It appeared ahead of us. It is a void in space.
DATA: No record of anything like this.
RIKER: What about that incident in the Morgana quadrant?
TROI: I feel a void!
PICARD: Evasive. Avoid the void.
TROI: [annoyed] My mind is empty!
RIKER: Please make reports only when atypical things happen.
TROI: No, it is the void ahead. I sense a second season episode.
PICARD: Nagilum was not among the all-powerful being going to
Pacifica.
DATA: Coming up on Gothos captain.
PICARD: Red alert. Arm all weapons.
WORF: Weapons on maximum.
PICARD: Fire at the void.
[Worf suddenly recoils from his console. Seconds later, Wesley does
as well. Then Data.]
WORF: The controls are too hot to handle.
DATA: No record of anything like this.
WORF: A ploy reminiscent of the Organian intervention during the
first Federation-Klingon war.
PICARD: Use voice commands.
WORF: Weapons are off-line.
PICARD: Well then, beam it aboard.
WORF: That might be dangerous! Might I suggest we try to fill it?
PICARD: Negative.
OBRIEN: There's nothing to lock on to!
RIKER: Exactly.
PICARD: Did you beam anything on board?
OBRIEN: No.
PICARD: Good work, chief.
WESLEY: Sensors show nothing out there. Not even a void.
DATA: Correction. There is a highly localized energy source
emitting 500nm radiation approaching the ship.
WESLEY: A point of light, Data.
WORF: Impact in ten seconds. Shields on maximum.
[The bridge lights up briefly.]
TROI: I feel pregnant!
DATA: There is no record of anything like this before.
WESLEY: Sir, the planet Gothos ahead. There is an all-powerful
pan-dimensional being in orbit. The new all-powerful being sensors
seem to be working quite well.
RIKER: Mr. Crusher, beam down to Gothos and destroy the flora.
WESLEY: Aye sir.
[Wesley enters the turbolift]
PICARD: No!
RIKER: Belay that.
PICARD: Not now.
RIKER: Delay that.
COMPUTER: Ensign Crusher has left the bridge.
RIKER: Relay that.
WORF: Subspace message coming in.
PICAD: On speakers.
VOICE: All these worlds are yours except Europa. Attempt no landings there.
[The ship rocks violently. Alarm claxons sound. Red alert is
signalled.]
WORF: Trouble at the all-powerful beings reeption. The Organians
and Talosians apparently had too much to drink and are arguing over
who is the more powerful.
PICARD: Obrien, beam me to the conference room.
[Picard dematerializes.]
END OF ACT II
ACT3
[Picard beams into a room where a recption is being given. Glasses
with brightly colored beverages adorn the room. Two Talosians are
having an argument with several Organians.]
PICARD: Stop this now!
[A Talosian turns toward Picard and frowns. The scene shifts. Picard
now appears seated in front of Gene Roddenberry's desk. GR is behind it.]
RODDENBERRY: I'm sorry Jean-Luc. We decided the show's chemistry just
wasn't working the way we wanted. We want a more cerebral show, so
we're going to make a change. You've done a good job with the ability
you have, but we are going to bring in William Shatner as the new
captain. You have to admit you can't compete with his acting ability-
[Picad screams in agony and then returns to the reception room.]
TALOSIAN #1: You have fears even more horrendous than that locked
away in your mind. Leave us alone!
ORGANIAN #1: I am more powerful than that.
[Picad begins to fade into an energy blob. The scene shifts abruptly
to sick bay. Picard is recovering. Q is alongside.]
Q: You can not withstand this. I can give you the power to resist.
You will then be able to converse with our geriatric entity friends.
You must join the Q continuum.
PICARD [Sitting up from his bed and then standing]: To be a Q or not
to be a Q? That is the question. Whether tis nobler--
Q: Spare me the soliloquy!
DATA: Strickly speaking, the captain's oration is not a soliloquy--
[A bright light flashes.]
PICARD: I feel--
Q: Don't get like Troi....A few things. First. The Q rules.
Every member of the Q continuum must be discrete--
PICARD: A discrete continuum?
Q: --and you must, above all else, honour our most basic rule.
PICARD: What is that?
Q: The Composite Directive. Interfere with developing cultures.
Alter their development. Change history. Give them guidelines, laws,
commandments...basically to meddle incessantly!
PICARD: I shall not.
[The ship lurches violently.]
PICARD: But I must save my ship.
[Q and Picard disappear and reappear in the reception room.]
PICARD: Quit this quarreling. And you [looking at Trelane] --
begone. [Trelane disappears]
TALOSIAN #1: I can see clearly now. Trelane has gone.
ORGANIAN: Me too. We are forever in your debt. We didn' know how to
work together. As all-powerful beings, we lacked an understanding of
the human equation.
TALOSIAN #2: But now we understand the human equation. This divided
us, but now we can balance that with over factors, adding--
KEVIN UXBRIDGE: What he is trying to say is that by relying on you for
transportation to Pacifica, we have learned about ourselves. Our
powers, our place in the Universe.
[Troi enters]
TROI: The music is gone!
TRAVELER: And most important, we have learned how to work together and
coexist peacefully.
PICARD: Well, that was one tidy little plot ending.
TROI: I do feel a few loose ends.
DR. MANNHEIM: But we are out of time.
TROI: I do feel a few loose ends.
DR. MANNHEIM: But we are out of time.
PICARD [To nowhere in particular]: Number one, put us back on course
to Pacifica. Standard by eight.
[The camera pans across the room, showing amicable delegates, and them
sweeps out through an observation portal into space.]
--- QM v1.00
* Origin: Two Wheelers Bicyclists' Communications Link (1:106/88.0)
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