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Smartrek - Don Adams as Security Officer
Filename: p.026
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): Smartrek -- Don Adams as security officer
Author(s): Ken Kaufman
Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster: Ken Kaufman
Date posted: 1988 10 06 19:27:45 GMT
First date published: 1988 10 06 19:27:45 GMT
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[Prologue: bridge]
Picard: Captain's log, Stardate 8699+3i. We are approaching Starbase
11 for personnel transfer. Dr. Crusher will step off there en route to
her new assignment, and we will be picking up her replacement, as well
as a new chief security officer. Starfleet has also informed me that
due to regulation 999897, all starships must now be equipped with
bartenders, so we will be picking up one of them, too. It is essential
that these transfers take effect smoothly, as we have to deliver a
shipment of anabolic steroids to the Beta Olympae system within 72
hours.
[speaking]
Number One, you, Troi and Data go to the transporters, and greet the
newcomers.
Riker: Aye, sir.
Picard: And don't stop at that holodeck on the way down.
Worf: We have a transmission from starbase. We are within transporter
range.
Picard: Energize.
[a moment later, his communicator beeps. cut to transporter room.]
Data: Captain, we only beamed up two crewmembers: a male human named
Doe, and a female whoopie named Isaac.
Picard's Voice: That will be the doctor and the bartender. Where's
that new security officer?
[cut to starbase corridor. would-be security officer Smart is trying
repeatedly to get into the transporter room there, but the power doors
are not operating. he winds up with a bruised nose for his efforts.
fade to opening credits and commercial.]
[Act I, transporter room. Picard has joined Data there, as Riker and
Troi have taken Doe and Isaac to their quarters. two bodies materialize
on the transporter pads, one of which is recognizable as the new chief
security officer. Smart steps forward and trips on the edge of the
transporter platform.]
Smart (from the floor): Lieutenant Smart, requesting permission to come
aboard.
[the other newcomer helps him up.]
Thank you Hymie.
Picard: Permission granted. But who is this Hymie person?
Smart: That is no person, sir. He is my personal robot, a humanoid ...
Data: Most fascinating. A fully functional humanoid android, just like
myself. Captain, with your permission ...
Picard: Oh, very well, Data.
Data (walking off with Hymie): You look like a most amazing construction.
Would you mind shooting the breeze a little?
[Hymie whips out a phaser, and melts the nearest air duct. Data looks
confused for an instant, stifles a giggle, and the two androids exit.]
Picard: Allow me to show you around the ship. [they exit, fade out.]
[fade to the rec-room/bar. Smart is relaxing there with a drink, while
talking to Worf about old security tales.]
Smart: And so I punch the guy, and he barely flinches, and just as he's
winding up for a crushing blow, I trip over the activation cord of my
inflatable vest, and it blasts open, thrusting him out into the airlock.
Worf: Well, once these Romulans suddenly appeared on the bridge of our
ship, and ...
Wesley (entering): Excuse me, sirs. Would you mind if I joined you?
Smart: Sure, go right ahead.
Worf (to Smart): The boy should not be in here. He is too young, and
it is past his bedtime.
Wesley: Please. I was reading the restricted files on the computer
again, and I saw the file on Lieutenant Smart, sir. Apparently, he's
come up with a number of new ideas for security devices, and if he gave
me some specific information on them, perhaps I could have them built by
tomorrow.
Smart: Certainly, uh ...
Wesley: It's Wesley.
Smart: Certainly, Itswesley, the first ...
Wesley: No, my name's just Wesley.
Smart: Sorry about that, Justwesley, as I was saying ...
Wesley: Sir, with all due respect, my name is ...
Worf: Shut up, Wesley!
Smart: Then why didn't you say so, Shutupwesley? Now, if we were to
install a network of clubs, gloves and nets, accessible by the bridge
personnel, and then added some devices such as ...
[Troi's voice comes over the intercom]
Troi: Attention, attention everyone, there will be shuffleboard on
holodeck 3 in fifteen minutes. Shuffleboard on 3 in 15 minutes.
Smart: Wait a minute! Shuffleboard on the holodeck? A bald captain?
An obnoxious kid?
Wesley: What obnoxious kid?
Smart: Shut up, Shutupwesley! A black bartender? All we need is a
doctor played by ... [rips off shoe and throws open communicator]
Security! Security! This is Lieutenant Smart. Send a detachment to
sick bay on the double. Security to sick bay.
[fade to more commercials.]
[Act II, sickbay. "Dr. Doe" is working on some lab work with his back to
the camera, as Smart bursts in and overturns a tray full of vials. The
doctor looks up, and gets a shocked expression on his face.]
Smart: Siegfried! I knew it! The game is up!
Siegfried: You tink so, eh, Schmaut? [pulls out a 24th century srynge,
and injects Smart.] You see, ve too have discovered der formula for
immobilo. [Smart freezes, and is dragged off.]
[cut to bridge.]
Worf: Captain, scanners indicate two unidentified vessels approaching.
Picard: Open hailing frequencies. I want to know who they are and what
they're doing in this sector.
Worf: There's no response.
Picard: LaForge?
LaForge: Those show the spectral lines of Romulan ships, but they're
a bit different.
Picard: Different? In what way?
LaForge: Remember those tailfins the Ferengi tried to sell us? I think
they found a customer.
Picard: They're still far out. Continue attempting to establish
communication, and go onto yellow alert.
[cut back to sick bay. Smart is strapped to an operating table.]
Siegfried: You see, Schmaut, vir haffn't been doing nuttink dese past
350 years. I am now der chief agent for KAOS.
Smart: The international organization of evil?
Siegfried: Oh no, Schmaut. Dis ist new organization. KAOS -- Kill And
Obiterate Shtarfleet. Vir haf beamed up mein own scientific crew, und
dey vill bringen der Enterprise to its knees!
Smart: You'll never get away with this, Siegfried. My security team
will be upon you in no time.
Siegfried: Heh heh, dey vere die first victims! Vir haf added pigments
to der material synthesizers, und dey are turning all of der uniforms
ret.
Smart: Red uniforms? That's inhuman! That's murder! That was
legislated out half a century ago!
Siegfried: Dat's right, Schmaut, und dat's how I'm going to take ofer
der Enterprise. Und mit der Enterprise, all of Shtarfleet! Bot excuse
me, Schmaut, I must do some more lab vork. [exits].
[Smart struggles, but a moment later, Wesley enters, sees him, and
releases him.]
Wesley: I just wanted to tell you that I set up the bridge as you
requested.
Smart: Thanks, I'd love to chat, but I have to get up to the bridge.
[runs out, and smacks into the door. fade to commercial as he rubs his
nose.]
[Act III: bridge.]
Picard: Captain's log, stardate 8699 fourth roots of minus pi e. We
are not yet halfway to Beta Olympae, where millions will slump into
piles of jelly if we can not get this shipment of anabolic steroids to
them. Meanwhile, the Romulan ships continue to not answer our hailing
messages. They have closed to within 500 terafurlongs of us.
[there is the sound of knocking on the entrance to the bridge.]
Picard: Will somebody get that damn door? And why isn't it opening?
[Riker steps to the turbolift door. it opens, and in walks Smart with a
bandage on his nose.]
Smart: Captain, I must talk to you.
Picard: What, Smart, and make it quick.
Smart: This is highly important and secret. We'd better use the cone
of silence.
Picard: The what?
Smart: The cone of silence, one of those security devices I had
installed on the bridge. Push that lever on your chair to lower it.
[It comes down. Picard is not amused.]
I have discovered that the new ship's doctor is an enemy spy.
Picard: That's impossible. He's been Starfleet's best for years.
Smart: Nonetheless, he has put some pigments into the material
synthesizers which is turning all the uniforms red. My whole security
team's already been wiped out.
Picard: Ridiculous. Why, my uniform is, uh, red and Riker's, but
Troi? Where is that woman when I need her?
[as a matter of fact, no one who doesn't wear red is currently on the
bridge.]
Hmmmm ... maybe we'll have a look at this after we deal with the Romulan ...
[at this point, the ship is rocked by Romulan phaser fire.]
Picard: Shields up! Go to condition red!
Smart: They can't hear you. The cone of silence.
Picard: Then how do I get it up?
Smart: Pull the switch the other way.
Picard (as the switch breaks off in his hand): It's stuck. And I can't
get out. Can you squeeze out of there?
Smart: I'll try.
[as he tries to squeeze out...]
Riker: Captain? Sir? Would you like us to do anything? ... I guess
not.
[the ship takes another direct hit.]
LaForge: Captain?
Picard: Geordi? Speak up, I can't hear you.
LaForge: What? I can't hear you!
Smart (emerging): The Captain says to, uh ...
Riker: Don't tell me you forgot.
Smart: Yep, I forgot.
Riker: I asked you not to tell me that.
Smart: Don't worry, Chumley, I'll be back in a minute. [heads back
under. Another shot sends the crew bouncing, but it does not release
the cone of silence.]
Riker: Chumley?
Data (entering, while wearing a flimsy red negligee): A fictional
walrus, populer during the mid-20th century, who often ...
Riker: Enough, Data.
Smart (back under cone): What was it you wanted me to tell them?
Picard: Don't tell me you forgot ...
[fade to yet another commercial break.]
[Act IV: At entrance to sickbay. Picard, Smart and Riker are ready to
enter.]
Picard: Captain's log, supplemental. We were somehow able to drive off
the Romulans. I am now investigating the allegations about Dr. Doe and
his would-be red dye factory.
[they enter. Siegfried is there, tending to Wesley, who is strapped to
the table and suffering from multiple contusions and lacerations. there
is no sign of any immoral activity. it should be noted that for this
scene, Siegfried completely drops his german accent.]
Picard: Ah, Dr. Doe, how is everything going here?
Siegfried: Very well, Captain. The boy here had a nasty run-in with a
bulkhead, but we may be able to get him patched up.
Wesley: Mmmph uurgh gurgle gleep.
Smart: Hold it, he may be trying to tell us something. [bends over
Wesley.] What was it you were saying?
Wesley: Bletch glmbfk fnord zool.
Picard: What did he say, Smart?
Smart: He asked me if I could get my elbow off of his stomach.
Picard: That's enough, Lieutenant, I'm relieving you from duty. Please
hand me your phaser.
[cut to bridge]
Troi: Something is the matter. I sense fewer minds on the ship. And
Geordi, what is that I'm sensing from you?
LaForge: Well, you've got to admit, counsellor, you look extremely hot
in red.
Data: Perhaps I can get some information by logging onto the computer
and having images flash at a few megabaud in front of my face.
Computer? Please find all references to the color red in titles of
literature, music, art, and so forth.
Computer: Working.
[cut to engineering. Smart has gained access to the engine room, and is
about to open up the antimatter chamber. Chief Engineer MacWrite tries
to detain him.]
MacWrite: You can't co in there! You'll be melted into a pile of
neutrons.
Smart: Nonsense. You see? [opens the chamber. MacWrite melts into a
pile of neutrons.] Agent 13, you down there?
Agent 13: Over here, Max, and let me tell you, I'm getting one heck of
a tan.
Smart: Never mind that. Siegfried's taken over the ship, and we need
to find his laboratory, so that we can deal with him. Furthermore, we
need a way to deal with him. Any thoughts?
Agent 13: You could try teaching him phenomenology.
Smart: Phenomenology?
Agent 13: Yeah, great stuff. If you can get him to believe he exists,
you can get him to prove it by exploding. Or if you can make him think
he doesn't exist, he'll disappear in a puff of logic.
Smart: But how to get to him?
Agent 13: Secret door in bulkhead, right behind the human skeleton.
Smart: Of course, the old secret lab behind the skeleton trick! Thanks
a lot, 13.
Agent 13: Oh, Max, one thing.
Smart: Yes?
Agent 13: Could you get me a glass of water? It's a bit hot in here.
[Cut back to Data on bridge.
Images flash by at breakneck speed. Among the ones seen are The Red
Badge of Courage, A Study in Scarlet, A Pictorial History of the
Cincinnati Reds, The Crimson Permanent Assurance, The Color Red, The
Beatles' Red Album, One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Red Fish, The Reds
Brothers, Red Like Me, and Snow Red.]
Data: Fascinating -- even the computer seems to be contaminated.
[voices start coming over the intercom.]
Voice 1: Ensign Harriman to bridge: I'm on Holodeck 5, trying to take
my holoferrari for a joyride, and I've been stuck at a red light for 15
minutes.
Voice 2: Lieutenant Chomsky to bridge: I ordered lunch, and instead of
what I ordered, I got tomato soup, fruit punch, cherries and
horsereddish.
Picard's Voice: This is the captain speaking. We are going to
condition red.
[and we are going to another commercial.]
[Act 5 -- sick bay. Smart enters to confront Siegfried]
Smart: Siegfried, do you or don't you think you exist?
Siegfried: Of course I exist, Schmaut. Vot in ze vorld are you tokking
about?
Smart: Listen to me -- How do you know you really exist?
Siegfried: I hef no time for silly games. Right now, mein men are
invading der bridge. [opens communicator to stay in touch and lead
them.] How iss it going?
[cut to bridge, where an all-out battle is going on between Siegfried's
men and the bridge crew. It is a fairly even battle, with a possible
slight advantage for the bad guys. Over the intercom, Siegfried's
voice can be heard barking out instructions. Suddenly, a new voice
interjects, as Smart has apparently pulled the communicator away.]
Smart: Geordy, pull on your left armrest!
[LaForge does, and a net comes down on his head. The battle continues.
At one point, one of Siegfried's men steps right in front of Picard, but
a boxing glove comes out of the console and bops him senseless.] Then
someone trips the sleep gas switch, and the whole bridge goes
unconscious.
cut back to sickbay, Smart and Siegfried struggling. The door opens,
and four gold-clad security people enter and level phasers at
Siegfried.]
Security #1: Surrender, Siegfried.
Siegfried (putting hands up): But dis iss impossible -- you vear golt,
not ret.
Smart: Exactly. That's how we were able to turn the tables on you.
Siegfried: But I don't understand. Vere could dey hef gotten tose golt
uniforms?
Smart: Listen closely. [ all pause for a moment.]
Siegfried: I don't hear a ting.
Smart: Precisely. This ship is using a Midas Muffler. My men simply
got their uniforms midasized.
[cut to bridge]
Picard: Captain's log. The shipment to Beta Olympae is progressing
successfully. We will be soon able to take a relaxing trip to Starbase
11 for a new ship's doctor.]
Voice on intercom: Bridge, this is transporter room. Everything's been
beamed down.
Picard: Thank you, Ensign. LaForge, take us out of here. Warp 1.
LaForge: Ahead warp 1. [cut momentarily to exterior special effect.]
Picard: What do you say we all go to the new rec room, and paint the
ship red?
[Data and Hymie enter, each wearing painter's outfits, and carrying a
brush and a can of red paint. They proceed to start painting the
*entire* bridge, as the directing and producing credits are shown. Fade
to one last commercial break.]
Announcer: Next week, an all-new episode of Star Trek. Three new guest
stars will be sailing on the Enterprise. See Leslie Nielson as the new
ship's doctor ...
Picard: Surely you don't mean to say that there is an epidemic
of Altairian Plague going around on my ship.
Nielson: That's exactly what I mean. And don't call me Shirley.
Announcer: John Cleese as the new helmsman/weapons officer ...
Cleese: Now Mr. Ferengi, you realize that an inverted triple
barrel-roll with constant phaser fire is not that silly a
maneuver. I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you. Would you
prefer a single photon torpedo, or the triple torp burst?
Ferengi: Urp -- I think I'd prefer the single.
Cleese: You do realize that the triple comes at a 15% discount?
Announcer: and William Shatner as the ship's evil psychologist.
Shatner: Get a life, Wesley!
Announcer: All this and more next week on Star Trek: The Next Degeneration.
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