|
|
 |
|
|
|
register |
bbs |
search |
rss |
faq |
about
|
|
|
meet up |
add to del.icio.us |
digg it
|
|
|
|
Man of the Steeple
RIB Productions
Proudly bring to you
"Man Of The Steeple"
An ST:TNG Parody of "Man Of The People"
by Robert I. Brayer
-=-
SCENE I
(The Enterprise is encountering a cargo ship in great distress) Cargo Ship:
Helllp!!! HELP! HELP US!
Picard: Now just stay calm! What's the problem?
CS: Well it's our cargo..
Picard: Is it some antimatter that if let loose could destroy all we know to
exist?
CS: Nope.
Picard: Howsabout something important?
CS: No, it's a really annoying ambassador that some bad-guy ship has been
taking pot shots at! On this little defenseless thing. You can have him!
Picard: Thanks.
-=-
SCENE II
(The Ambassador beams in, he looks familer to the
audience..strangly..)
Picard: Welcome Ambassador Baker, who's the lovely person with you. Baker: This
is my beautiful wife, Tammy-Faye.
Tammy-Faye: Hi! I'm so happy to be here. Would you like to give some money to
the church of Greedy Criminals?
Picard: Er.. sorry..Captains don't get paid much these days. TF: Oh..<wahhaa>
(TF starts to cry)
Picard: Very well.. here.. buy less eye shadow.
TF: For $100 and above you get an automatic toaster.
Baker: Now, now, Dear- the Captain was nice enough to give a measly $5 cheap
contribution so we could pray for several hundred hours and save his worthless
soul, and if that's what it means to him... Picard: AUGH! FINE! Here's $500!
But that is *ALL* I have!
TF: Bless you Captain.
Picard<mumbling>: Lousy stinking...<ahem>
Troi: I find it nice to meet your acquaintence, Mr. Baker, Mrs. Baker...
TF: I know what you want!!!
Troi: Intelligent lines?
TF: Besides that!
Troi: Thai food for lunch?
TF: No! You want my man! Well you can't have him! James the Studpuppy is mine
you ..you ...witch!
Troi: That's ludicrious! Why would I want him?
TF: That's not the point!! Grr..
Picard: Ladies, Ladies..please calm down...
TF: That's easy for you to say when you're not wearing this much eye-makeup.
Troi: You know. She's right!
Picard: Would it make you all happier if I put on eye makeup? Baker: Come now,
I have a job to do. Peace must be attained on Moronworld!
Troi: You know. He's right!
TF: <Growl>
(End of Scene- cut.)
Generic Executive: Wait a second we can't end that scene.
(Robert walks in)
Robert: What's the matter, the scene's over!
GE: Troi didn't say her line.
(Troi suddenly appears)
Troi: he's hiding something. Ok. THERE! Are you happy now?
Robert: Would you like to make a contribution to the church of Greedy
Criminals?
Troi: Don't make me cough up a hairball!
Executive: Come on now we've got a parody to write.
(And thus another hard day begins at RIB Productions, hundreds upon hundreds of
workers gather together to do comprehensive research to find out what *YOU* the
reader finds interesting and humorous in these parodies. Unfortunetly, we have
failed. And here is the president of our production staff for an excuse.)
President: <Ahem> The model here, (points at a picture of Troi), is a fairly
hated character by our staff, we came up with many people we wished her to
transform into, not the least of which was Prince, Barbara Bush and Sir Arthur
Conan Doyle. Unfortunetly none of these fit the standard model for a humorous
title. And so we went with the Tammy-Faye Baker model shown here:
(A picture of Troi is shown, slight eye makeup is added)
President: OK boys, let her rip!
(The makeup gets progressively worse and worse until Troi looks very similer to
Tammy-Faye indeed, she then begins to scream about donations, coughs up a
hairball and collapses)
President: As you can see the torture value of this model is extremely high, as
well as the entertainment value. But it loses it's potential after a while. Are
there any suggestions?
(Suddenly an intern type stands up)
Intern: We could make her lose clothes progressivly until she's nude. (The
entire workforce cheers)
Robert<Interrupting>: No no there's a problem with that! Last week we said we
were just KIDDING about having her nude. Besides, this is a *FAMILY* text file.
Troi: Howabout we have it happen to Mr. Worf!
(Worf appears)
Worf: <Grunt>!
Troi: You know. He's right!
President: We have an obligation however to our reading audience, and the
Neilson Parody Ratings have estimated them to be almost in double digits in
total #, to come up with some kind of original idea. Intern: Why not just
rehash old jokes, that always works on 'Full House' and it's got great ratings!
President: No cute little girls. Unless...
Troi: Oh no! I'm not having a dream sequence again..oh no..agh..!! (We can hear
strange cop-out music as Troi collapses to sleep) -=-
SCENE III
(We see Troi as a child chasing after a squirrel and squealing with joy, she
giggles as she gets closer and catches up on the squirrel. When suddenly- The
squirrel turns around to face her and stands on two legs)
Squirrel: Why do you human types always gots to chase us poor pathetic
squirrels around? How would you like it if we chased *YOU*? Huh!?
Troi: Uh..er...um..that is..
(The Squirrel starts to race after Troi screaming)
Squirrel: AYIEEE!!!!!! DIE TROI SCUM!!!
Troi: AGH!!
(Troi runs so fast she doesn't notice that upcoming tree branch!) Troi:
(Clunk.) Ow.
(Troi begins to convulse)
Troi: <Cough> <Cough>
(Troi wakens)
-=-
SCENE IV
Robert: And our demographics show that implosions appeal the most to people
between the ages of 12-24...
Troi: Augh! <cough> <cough>...(Troi coughs up a ..script!? onto Robert!)
Robert: Hey what the.. this isn't a hairball!
President: What is it?
Robert: It's...a script!
GE: A script for what?
Robert: It's the top-secret parody script for the big Scotty episode next week!
Executive: BURN IT!
Robert: OK. (he takes out a match and burns the parody) We'll start from
scratch.
Troi: <gluck>
President: What do we do now?
Robert: I don't know!
(Voice from intercom): Er sir, we've got a problem..
Robert: What?
VFI: While you've been doing this segment the parody has been going on..
Robert: Oh no! Did we get it on tape!
VFI: Nope this will have to go in the 'Lost RIB Parodies' of '92, you know the
55 we haven't released to the public yet and are planning to in several years
for big bucks?
Robert: Ah yes, those..well we'd better get back then!
VFI: Yes sir!
(The scene fades)
Voiceover: We now return you to your regularly scheduled parody, already in
progress.
-=-
SCENE V
Picard: My God, Worf! That was the most brilliant tactical manuever I have ever
seen! And where did you learn to debate like that? Worf: <Grunt>
Geordi: Sir, the immediate danger may have been diverted, however- the danger
still remains.
Picard: Ok, so what if we're being attacked by a giant mutant bald-guy eating
bartender, at least we have our health.
(Crusher cuts in): Er sir..
Riker: Calm down guys! It's no biggie. Mr. Worf, lock all forward baldguy
launchers on the bartender!
Data: Er, sir, that would effectively *FEED* the monster instead of divert him
or destroy him.
Riker: Oh yeah, what do you know? FIRE!
(Mr. Worf grunts and fires..the creature grows bigger!)
Data: Nothing I admit.
Ro: Enough with the bickering! Make a deicision before this guy comes after
Pic-
(The creature reaches his hand in through the Enterprise hull and goes for
Picard)
Picard: AUGH!!! Bring in the Tammy Faye monster!
(We see Troi wheeled in- now looking very much like TF!)
Troi: Would you like to make a donation, kind monster sir, to the United Legion
Of Orthodox Idiots?
Monster: AUGH!!! All I wanted was bald guys..there's no place like
home...(clicks his feet and disappers)
Riker: Ahh..the universe is safe yet again for another generation... Picard:
Riker, We *ARE* the next generation!
Riker: Oops. I knew that.
(Guinan interrupts): I would just like to say that the previous bartender does
not neccessarily reflect the views of the bartenders union, or Major League
Baseball.
Picard: Guinan get off the line!
Riker: Sir, we're encountering 3 large ships!
Picard: Hail them!
Data: No sir, you don't understand, we're encountering 3 large *SHIPS*!
(On the screen we see three ancient Spanish Ships!)
Worf: <Grunt>
Picard: Visual eh? Put it on!
(On screen we see an Italian man he has a flag in his hand) Columbus: I claim
your ship...for SPAIN!
Picard: Er..sir..who are you?
Columbus: I am CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS! The great discoverer!
Data<whispered>: Er sir.. that's the guy that went in the wrong direction all
the time.
(Picard nods in understanding)
Picard: Er.. ahh..well you can't have my ship!
Columbus: Why not!? I've *CLAIMED* IT!!
Riker: Er, that doesn't make it yours!
Columbus: Why not!? It always did before...!
Data: <Ahem> Sir, if I may..
Columbus: I claim that Android for Spain!
Worf: <Grunt>
Columbus: I claim that Klingon for Spain!!
(Worf looks angry, he pushes a few buttons and the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria
are scrapmetal)
Picard: Thank you Mr. Worf! Let's all retire to the Pancakefest so that Guinan
can finally get a compelling storyline as well as lots of parts! And I hear
Crusher is going to give a speech!
All but Worf: WHAT A GREAT IDEA!
-=-
(End Of Scene- Cut)
President: In the past many of you have written in asking how we, at RIB
Productions put together and adequetly process and pack a parody to meet your
satisfactions. Well,
Robert: The answer is, we are on several major
halluciongenics...no! haha! just kidding!
President:<Ahem> Hundreds of skilled workers meticulously switch on the
computer and type in the date and time on our STATE-OF-THE-ART 8088s, they also
ready Robert's chair with a pillow and some Micro-Magic French Fries(Blatent
Endorsement), the fries are of course on the desk, not on the chair, he
wouldn't sit on them! haha! (Robert goes to sit down)
Robert: Hey! What are these fries doing in my seat!?
President: *MOST* Of the time. While all this is going on teams of professional
lazy people are researching carefully and very slowly the cure for cancer. We
hope to bring you this in the middle of a parody in the near future. Since all
the parodies happen in the 24th century, they already know it, so don't look
for it soon. Also we are doing 'implosion testing' in our large "IMPLOSION
FACTORY"(TM), here's a scene!
-=-
SCENE VI
(A scientist looking type walks in)
Scientist: OK now this time, we'll test if implosions can happen while standing
on your head.
Scotty: SHE CANNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!! She'll blow *SKY* high! (Scotty implodes-
standing on his head)
(Several men clap)
Scientist: Ahh..that's just a short preview of next week, we apologize. (The
man assumes a serious look) Here in these fine facilites we test different
conditions, over there in the PANCAKE RESEARCH LAB, ten people work furiously
eating pancakes and researching openings for pancake jokes in the future. And
there- in the "INSIDE JOKE DIVISION" over 5 people work hard to connect
parodies with a sense of unity and commitment.
(Suddenly Robert appears)
Robert: As you can see most of this fails. And you are left with the writing
process, usually it takes me hours of pained thought to come up with every
word. I sit naked in my closet with several pints of jell-o and the Swedish
Bikini team, as I meditate. After a few days I come out real tired and unaware
of what I'm doing, the result is what you get. After it's packed, Textdivided
and
everything of course, and we at RIB Productions hope you enjoy our work, we
wish you to know of our *TOP* SECRET Project for the upcoming months, it will
be very big. We're working very hard. Here it is:
(Robert implodes)
President: Haha! Calm down! You'll find out eventually! For now we show you
what a snappy ending to a parody is like; in the following example:
-=-
SCENE VII
Troi: Would you like to make a donation!?!? Huh!? Wouldja?! Picard: That's
enough! Jim you've used her enough! I know
Tammy-Faye died-
(Wild sustained applause)
Jim: It's her responsibility as a human being to serve.
Riker: Oh yeah? Well maybe she doesn't *WANT* to serve!
Jim: Ok, Then I'll take YOU!
(Troi falls down and reverts back to normal, Riker screams) Riker: AUGH! NO!!
(Eye makeup starts to form)
Riker: Would you like to..make..a..no...no!!!!
Ro: I've had enough of your games Jim! You're going up the river for 60 years!
Jim: NO!!!
(A police truck pulls up and several policeman haul Jim Baker away) Riker:
That's what you get when you mess with me!
Troi: And me!
Guinan: And my strip-tease! Wooh-hoo!
All but Worf: NO!!!!
-=-
President: And now you add a snapy voiceover ending:
-=-
Voiceover: And so, all was happy and safe, and all was pleasently dead. Robert
was all snug and tired, warm in his bed. The parody was done and the brains
were at rest, now if only Troi'd show us her dainty little....
Robert: OK ok..that's enough.. parody's over. Pack up. That's a day. That's a
wrap. We got a big episode next week. be there. -=-
NEXT WEEK ON RIB TREK: THE NEXT HALLUCINATION!
Scott: She canna do it sir.. she canna implode. I'm implodeistpated. Picard:
But she must! Augh!
|
|
|
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
totse.com certificate signatures
|
|
|
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
|
|
|
|
|
|
