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Toxic Custard Workshop - #80
Can't stop this thing we started.. ARGH!
(Tried pressing CTRL-C?)
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.....TOXICCUSTARDWORKSHOPFILESNUMBER80JANUARY20TH1992WRITTENBYDANIELBOWEN.....
Welcome to another BELOW AVERAGE edition of the Toxic Custard Workshop
Files. And at this point I would just like to add: No use libro de B
pagos en el caso que lo haya usado anteriormente. a
s
Omigod another blank screen. Quick, improvise something. Train of i
thought.. train of thought.. "Train of thought departing platform one c
and stopping all stations." No, no no. a
l
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y
Debate has been running hot down a blind alleyway off Fitzroy Street ,
and going round and round in political circles on the subject of rain
this week. Prime Minister and self-professed all-time good-guy Paul t
Keating has expressed his concern about the plight of the wet in h
today's society. "Shelter for the soggy should be a priority", he said. e
He attacked an Opposition policy cutting back on umbrellas for the wet, s
a programme introduced by the Government on a rather showery April day e
last year. The Government also criticised the Opposition policy on
optometry, accusing it of being short-sighted. s
i
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e
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Caulfield w
Racecourse for the Identical Horse Names Handicap Stakes. By chance, a
the six horses picked for this race today have all managed to have the y
same name - "Papillon". So, I can promise you this: it's going to be a s
helluva confusing race today. A quick run-down of the odds as the
horses move into the starting enclosure.. Papillon is favourite at 2-1, m
then Papillon 7-2, Papillon 5-1, Papillon and Papillon 10-1, and e
finally the outsider, Papillon, at 100-1. Well, the horses are all s
ready, and I'm assured that the Jockeys know which one is which... So s
as the green light goes on and we get ready for the Identical Horse a
Names Handicap Stakes, I've just got time to say that the author thinks g
we've milked this joke dry and it's time for the next item. e
s
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a
A couple of weeks ago I was clearing out the cupboard and I decided r
that I just never was the right person to own a 70 in 1 electronic e
project kit. It's something I got as a kid, but to my lasting
disappointment, I never discovered just how to electrocute my sister d
with it. More to the point, the vast majority of the 70 projects were e
never completed. There's only so many wires you can push into little s
sockets before you get bored with the whole thing and go and decide to i
climb a tree. Must be race memory or something. Not that I really was g
the outdoor type. My life outdoors was for the most part just an n
unavoidable part of being between different places that were indoors. e
Then I got... ROLLERSKATES! Of course, it took a few weeks to learn d
how to skate on them properly, and many months after that for the scars
to heal, but it did seem, at first glance, the perfect way to get t
around. You could roll down to the milkbar for some sweets, almost but o
not quite roll under a truck crossing the road, roll back, dropping
most of what you'd bought on the ground, and eventually skid to a o
cat-terrifying halt outside the front gate. Which, if it was jammed, v
you just *could not* open with rollerskates on. You'd be pushing on it, e
but moving nowhere. Eventually, of course, as will all things, you'd r
grow out of them. Physically if not mentally. I see rollerblades are c
"in" now. It just goes to show, there's nothing to compare with putting o
your skates on and rolling uncontrollably down hills knocking over old m
ladies. e
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l
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... a
Days. Now, I never had any kids (Fred's a bit of a let-down in that s
department) but as I remember it, school days were far from the best s
days of my life. More like the average to worse days, some of them.
Mind you, I can't complain.. school taught me that the best things in d
life are expensive. And that's something I'll never be able to forget, i
or afford. v
Anyway, there's only so many hours in a day. Around about twenty- i
four, to be precise. I wonder who made up how we measure time. Probably s
someone related to this bloke Ivor M Perial, who thought up feet and i
inches and stuff. I bet he was pissed at the time. Why should there be o
twenty-four hours in a day? Or why not? I suppose by now we're stuck n
with it. s
Ever noticed how stupid Porsches look from the back? That's nothing
to do with the topic, just an observation. I sometimes wonder if i
anybody would buy a Porsche if they had seen the back of it. At the n
front, it's the super-cool, mega-stud, snobby-git, I'm-a-rich-bastard-
with-an-expensive-car image. Just like the Volvo I'm-a-complete-prat s
image. Meanwhile at the back of the Porsche, phhht. o
Of course, exhaust pipes are always on the back of cars. That's the c
one feature of a car that you'll never see on a tv commercial, i
actually. And it's quite fitting that the exhaust is at the back... e
because car pollution is like a fart. Everyone knows it happens, even t
if they don't like it, but they ignore it, pretend it isn't theirs, and y
hope it will go away. .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A
You are reading a thinly disguised plug for n
TCWF BACK-ISSUES!!! For information on how d
to get your hands on the aforementioned TCWF
BACK-ISSUES!!!, send mail around about now a
to [email protected] n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
-- o
Copyright © 1992 Daniel Bowen y
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University, | p
Melbourne, Australia | I think fishing e
[email protected] | is a load of carp. o
TCWF: [email protected] | p
l
What I want to know is... did Elvis wear Levis? e
*
* I'd say it's an element of any post-allegorical discussive climax of
the positionist stance. Either that or a load of bollocks.
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