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Toxic Custard Workshop - #73
__ _ __ __
| | \ |__| | Number 73 - 2nd December 1991
TOXI| CUSTAR| | WORKSHO| FILE|__ Badly written by Daniel Bowen
|__ |_/ | __|.................................
Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing. I'm proud to say that the Toxic A
Custard Workshop Files is not subject to any censorship whatsoever. So, n
if I want to say that the ********** sucks, or that the **** ******* d
***** ********** ****** with cabbages, I can. Not to mention the
University. Personally, I never believed that the Vice-Chancellor y
********** ***** **** ******* **** sheep. But apparently it's true. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
,
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
t
The Recession. Government? What have the bloody government got to do h
with economics? Stuff all, I reckon. I mean, I know the government are e
a bunch of idiots who pretend to run the country - and we pay them for y
the privilege, but in fact they don't run anything. All they do is
stand around in their big Houses of Parliament... why the hell is it d
HouseS.. plural.. there's only one of them. I've seen it on the telly.. i
one big huge humungous building that cost zillions. They stand around d
in their House of Parliament .. well, they sit, mostly, the lazy gits,
and they argue with each other all the time. I've seen that on the v
telly, too. And for that they get paid loads of money. Anyway, do you e
want to know who I blame for the recession? Do you? Oh, you don't, r
okay. Well, I'm gonna bloody tell you anyway. It's not the government. i
It's not the stock market people either - those yuppie gits in their l
striped shirts standing on the trading floors shouting their heads off y
to "Sell!" or "Buy! Buy! Buy!" or whatever the hell they're shouting..
I think they're trying to order lunch from the blokes at the front with r
the chalk. "Pie! Pie! Pie!". You can tell, 'cos those prices on the e
boards look very like the prices written on the big menu at the fish a
and chips shop. Anyway, you think those gits in the stock exchange d
could possibly have caused the recession? Nah, they can't even order a e
hamburger successfully. I blame the recession on TV game shows. I mean, t
it's obvious, isn't it. Those prize idiots are giving away bigger and h
bigger prizes on their TV shows, to those smart arses that go on those
shows. Great. They give away cars and holidays and VCRs... oh, those f
bloody VCRs. Who can work the buggers? With all those buttons, you'd r
think it controlled the bloody space shuttle. No, serious, I once saw a o
film of inside the space control centre, and they were pressing little m
buttons just like on the remote control on the video. Only instead of
"Play" it said "Launch". No difference. And they blamed the Challenger t
disaster on a rocket thingy exploding or whatever they blamed it on. h
Nope. Absolutely not. Someone at NASA got hold of a control unit, e
thinking it was fr their vcr. They probably wanted to record Days Of
Our Lives or something... and KABOOM. Seven astronauts blown into bits b
the size of sand through an hourglass. Anyway, the recession. What was o
I talking about? Game shows. Yeah. Every single person who goes on a o
game show and wins a new telly or a matching set of fake gold jewellry k
has to spend a day or two at a tv studio recording it, instead of at
work. And that's why the country is in such a state. So, bloody Sale of o
the Century... Wheel Of Fortune... they should be banned. It's all lost f
worker productivity. Huh. Workers. Lazy gits, all of them. They should
all be sacked. You know who I blame for workers being lazy? Unions. C
Yeah, unions. They all want something for nothing, those bloody trade u
unions. Minimum wages, I ask you.. safe working conditions..? I mean, s
if more workers were killed in accidents, it would soon solve the t
unemployment problems. a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
d
THE ADVENTURES OF *POPSICLE* .
Please note: The absence of asterisks in last week's episode was due to
the international asterisk shortage. And because I forgot. A
n
*Popsicle* and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence are (or were, depending d
on tense) hot (or cold, depending on the weather) on (or off, depending
on the switch) the (or a, depending on the determinacy or otherwise of t
the article) trail (or path, depending on your point of view, I expect) h
of a gang nutmeg dealers. After investigating closely the scene of a e
nutmeg-related murder in the previous episode, they spent the first
paragraph of this episode explaining what they had been doing in the s
previous episode. c
*Popsicle* decided to try something different in finding out the r
identities of nutmeg dealers in the area. He looked up "Nutmeg" in the i
Yellow Pages. And found sod all. He was desperate by now, but decided p
he should think about the case instead. As *Popsicle* and the Inspector t
drove along in the exceptionally fabulously designed and exceptionally u
cheaply built A.R.S.E. custom vehicle, they just happened (pure r
coincidence, you understand; not just a plot device to finish up the e
story quickly due to the author running out of ideas) to see a truck in s
front of them, which suddenly swerved, distributing a large number of
nutmegs on the road. *Popsicle*, having decided to drive on this w
occasion, opened a window and let out a whoop that had got inside the e
car somehow, and sped after the truck, while the Inspector turned on r
the special A.R.S.E. siren that was fitted to their car. e
"Halt! You, yes *you*, the one in the large white truck, are being
pursued by the Australian Royal Security Establishment. Please stop l
your vehicle and surrender before we blow your fuckin' brains out", o
said the spoken bit of the siren, which was accompanied by the loud n
wailing of the siren which made the spoken bit almost unintelligible. g
The truck driver either decided that he didn't want to stop, or ,
couldn't hear the spoken bit of the siren, since he kept driving.
*Popsicle* ran over a couple of small dogs a he increased speed, and b
turned quickly into a laneway to follow the truck. Both vehicles sped o
through lanes and streets, going bloody fast and miraculously not r
hitting anything though they were on the wrong side of the road half i
the time and ignoring all the traffic lights, just like on car chase n
films. After half a dozen cliched turns, it was getting very boring for g
the readers, so the truck ran out of petrol and slid to a halt by a
pile of dustbins. a
n
WILL THE AUTHOR HAVE THE TIME TO WRITE A DECENT EPISODE NEXT WEEK? d
ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT.
n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
That was another of them Toxic Custard Workshops. And t
The Adventures of *Popsicle* will continue sometime
after now, and sometime before they finish. Back-issues v
of this crud are now available. If you must, then e
send mail to [email protected] for details, or reply r
to this. Also rumoured to be still available is the y
tedious adventures of Rocket Roger. For that, send mail
to [email protected] Can you hear "With a f
little plug from my friends" playing in the background? u
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
n
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen Wall Street Rally y
-- _________ _________ .
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | |DOW JONES| ________ |GREENBACK|
Melbourne, Australia------------| | FOR | |FT INDEX| | We love |
At a new, unknown e-mail address| |PRESIDENT| |RULES OK| |___you___|
[email protected]| |_________| |________|
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