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Sublime Slime - The Slug Tales Insider Newsletter,
S U B L I M E S L I M E
The SLUG TALES Insider Newsletter
"The Sound of One Lobe Napping"
======================================================================
Vol. 12, #2 Special Oil & Vinegar Issue September 1990
======================================================================
US to Iraq: "Fill 'er Up! Will That be Cash or CHARGE!"
Iraq to the US: "Will that be Mastercard for your VISA?"
Secretary of State James Baker recently completed a world tour of
major nations, seeking support for the U.S. effort in the Persian Gulf.
Sec. Baker, reportedly in an orange robe and sporting a pony tail, was
carrying video tapes of Sylvester Stallone movies and yellow ribbons.
According to the Japanese Foreign Minister, Baker entered his office,
pinned a yellow ribbon on his lapel, forced a videocassette in his face
and said, "We're giving all the Allies a ribbon today, and I'd like to
offer you a video for a free will offering of, uh, one billion dollars
U.S.."
Meanwhile, the propaganda war continues in Iraq -- on the
airwaves. Acknowledging the failure of earlier attempts at
manipulating the media, Iraq has scuttled the contrived news
conferences. Instead, the focus is now on music videos. The top clips
on "I-TV" are the upbeat tune, "I Fought Allah, and Allah Won" and the
50's novelty tune update, "How Much is That Guest in the Video?"
While domestic support for Bush's deployment of forces in the
Middle East has been substantial, Mr. Bush himself seems at times
a bit thin-skinned about even the small suggestion of criticism. Asked
if there was any truth to Hussein's comparison of Iraq's invasion of
Kuwait and the U.S. invasion of Panama, Bush reponded vehemently.
"No, absolutely not. You guys -- you guys just don't understand.
Kuwait like Panama...oh man, gimme a break. Kuwait isn't like Panama.
Panama was a, uh, SuperPower kinda deal. You guys just don't
understand SuperPower things."
And while untold thousands of soldiers are in the region, they are
nearly out-numbered by the reporters and the media frenzy. At
home and abroad, ANYTHING having to do with the Middle East rates
a blurb on the evening news programs. Julia Child on the line -- heck,
let's at least get a rice pilaf recipe out of her!
As the Crisis drags on, the media's hunger for a New Angle results
in features right out of the Bottom of the Barrel. Current dark horse
favorite is Robin Leach's spin-off program, "Lifestyles of the Rich and
Imperious". In the premier edition, Saddam Hussein provides an up-
close-and-personal interview. Among other things he reveals, "I value
family, really do. Right now, I value family a lot -- British
families, American families. But I digress. I grew up in a normal
household, with all the loving memories of childhood. As close
as we were when I was growing up, I sometimes doubted I was a wanted
kid. It seems silly now, I know. Those were simpler times, fondly
remembered times -- like the time Mom and Dad taught me how to build
quicksand castles."
Still, while the media drilled Americans on the MPG of the
President's Vacation Speedboat, narry a minute of air time was
dedicated to coverage of the Vice President. This was despite the
fact that the President was on vacation, the lines to New Hampshire
were jammed, and Quayle didn't even have the answering machine on
at home and was playing Super Mario Brothers on his kids' Nintendo.
So, having failed to reach a number of other prominent governement
officials, Sublime Slime happened on Veep Quayle and put the question
to him directly: "Are you out of the loop on the Gulf Crisis?" Quayle
responded: "I've learned a lot during my public life and I don't want
to duck this question: that absolutely depends on how it turns out.
Bush was out of the loop on Iran-Contra -- turned out OK. But people
pick on me, saying, 'neener, neener, neener: Quayle's out of the loop.'
I may be out of the loop, but I'm not out of it."
We asked Quayle about the specifics of the Gulf Crisis. "The
average guy out there has no real idea of how big this thing is. There
are 100,000 U.S. soldiers out there -- not just Army: we're talking
Reserves and National Guard! People who you'd think have a damn future
-- hell, that could've been you or even ME."
Quayle continued to offer his observations on the Gulf Crisis,
"This is bigger than the media makes it -- it just boggles the mind.
This isn't the same as problems in your or my back yard. Forget the
Weed 'n Feed, we're talking crisis here. Far as you look in any
direction: sand. No water. No fairways, damn straight there's no
greens -- we're talking major golf crisis! No wonder these guys act
so nuts."
CAPITOL CHATTER.....
Roger Locust Amherst IV
Political Affairs Editor
#1 FANTASY QUOTE OF THE MONTH:
George Bush on China: "Well, as you know, I've lived in China....it's a
big country, really big, -- lots of people. Glad to see they've gotten
over that Mao Thing, real glad to see that. We've been looking for a
sign: a Big Sign things are changing. Democracy is good, freedom of
speech a winner: the Big Sign says McDonald's. Always thought Doug
MacArthur was the Big Mac. Can't say now. Hopeful -- democracy, a
thousand 100 watt bulbs, billions of Big Macs..... stay the course,
stay the course...." ***** Insider reports from the recent conclave of
Catholic American Bishops and the Pope..... The Americans claim they
aren't understood because they're different. ArchBishop Raymond
Hunthausen continually annoys the Pope by referring him as, "Yo, Padre-
lissimo" The Church has to reestablish itself with lay Catholics, a la
carte Catholics. A more modern image. Play up that social justice
theme.... ***** Now that Al Gore is out of the Presidential spotlight,
pundits are wagging their tails about wife Tipper's obsession with the
moral purity of the nation's youth. While the country has apparently
moved on from the New Right agenda, Gore was particularly embarassed by
the Sting Operation mounted by "A Current Affair" which documented
Tipper's attempt to purchase an alledged Kiddie Porn videotape called
"The Care Bares". ***** While media attention focused on the recent
opening of the Nixon Presidential Library, a more contemporary
President drew less coverage for a similar project. The newly-
renovated Heritage USA theme park once owned by Tele-huckersters Jimmy
and Tammy Bakker, is once again open for business. The park, recently
acquired by a group of wealthy friends of Ronald and Nancy Reagan is
well on the way to regaining its glory days as a tourist attraction.
Literally thousands of dollars have been spent on modifying the park so
that it embodies the values espoused by the administation of Ronald
Reagan. Move over Disney, the newest theme park is Gipperland! The
revamped areas of the Park represent various aspects of the Reagan
Years. Displays range from the educational (Ed Meese's Official
Condensed Bill of Rights") to inspirational ( a bizarre fundamentalist
Christian Musical Ride called "Pilates' of the Carribean". A favorite
area for journalists getting a preview of the facility was
"Contraland", a special 3D attraction where visitors could glimpse
holographic portraits of Thomas Jefferson, Alexander Hamilton and their
contemporaries, and then look from a slightly different angle and see
Adolfo Callero and his colleagues' profiles in their place. Reached in
California, a spokesperson for the Reagans stated that the theme park
would substitute for the more traditional Presidential Library to
preserve the Reagan Legacy for posterity. "After all, Reagan took the
country on a ride for eight years, we figure it's the least we could do
to return the favor." Commenting on the substitution of a theme park
for the more traditional library, "The President never was much of a
reader, so a library just wouldn't make a lot of sense."
*****
Anybody here seen my old Friend Fawn,
Can you tell me where she's gone?
Saw her out there, in the East Wing,
Shredding with Bill Casey, Ollie and Ron....
- from Bill, Ollie, and Ron
lyrics by Bobby Darin
*****
High School Yearbook entry, class of 1990:
2 loose
2 live
2 long
4 sure
*****
Troubled paper kajillionnaire Donald Trump makes history once again,
this time with a surprise announcement at the Macy's Department store.
The often-egomaniacal and supremely self-confident Trump has fallen on
hard times of late. In a desperation move to generate quick cash, Mr.
Trump announced that he personally will be inflated with helium and
featured in this year's edition of the famous Thanksgiving parade. Mr.
Trump was adament with the press: "That's helium, they're gonna inflate
me with helium -- you say hot air and I'll have your sorry ass canned."
=======================================================================
Special Consumer Advice Feature
I. L. Diehl, Consumer Advocate
Dear Mr. Diehl:
I've listened to all you namby-pambies long enough, pissing our tax
dollars away on laws to "protect" people from themselves. I wasn't
looking to get worked up over this, but my lawn mower was hard to start
today, so I spend a few more seconds than usual cursing -- ur,
looking -- at it. Lo and behold, I noticed a small sticker on the
side: "Warning: blade turns while engine is running!"
I resisted the urge to have my wife call Cal Tech with this technical
revelation, but as I mowed the lawn I stewed on the matter
and got more and more angry -- why the hell am I paying taxes to
enforce laws requiring this sort of mindless warning? People like
you are simply a media lobby to perpetuate yourselves.
- Angry in Irvine, CA
Dear Angry:
Yes, the example that you mention is pretty ridiculous, but you've
misunderstood its meaning. People who wouldn't immediately recognize
that the roaring engine meant that they shouldn't stick their face
under a lawn mower aren't going to take the time to read a warning
label -- even if they could.
I'd be a rich man if I had a nickel for every letter like yours
I've received. Recently, several readers have objected to requiring
labels on beer bottles that state that drinking alcoholic beverages can
interfere with one's ability to drive or operate machinery. The folks
objecting to these labels are making the same mistake that you are.
You see, these aren't Warning Labels in the usual sense: they're
Meta-Warning Labels. They're not aimed at the people who are going to
drink and drive or gerry-rig the auto-cutoff throttle so they can
reach underneath their power-mower. Actually, these messages are meant
for the rest of us. And, judging by the steady and clear crayon
strokes of your letter: they're meant for you, too.
When you saw the label on your lawn mover, it said one thing but
meant another. The true meaning was, "Keep in mind that you're living
in a world where it doesn't go without saying that you shouldn't reach
under a roaring lawn mower." Ditto for those labels that tell people
not to use curling irons in the bath tub or take Preparation H orally.
Doesn't knowing that there are people out there who need to be reminded
that, say, drinking a dozen beers might make it harder to parallel park
change the way that YOU drive?
And that's the very reason that industry so persistantly and
vocally oppose Meta-Warning Labels. It's not that they're concerned
that any great harm could be done by telling people not to use their
curling iron in the tub, it's that industry is worried that those of
us who DON'T NEED the warning will look at their products less
favorably. People who want to smoke cigarettes will smoke cigarettes,
but the labels point out to the rest of us just how strange it is not
only to smoke, but also to provide subsidies to tobacco growers.
For this reason, Meta-Warning Labels are generally under-utilized
in our society. Imagine how long the label for an AK-47 assault rifle
would have to be if IT included all the mayhem that could be caused by
somebody too dumb or crazy to realize the harm they should cause!
Imagine the political impact of a serious debate on this subject would
cause among the public.
So, in the end, we're probably going to have to settle for Meta-
Warning Labels for more mundane items. But even these will face
opposition. The University District Safeway may feel comfortable with
a "9 items or less" label on their Express Lanes. But they'd have fits
over a Meta-Warning Label: "If you're the one person in front of
another customer, don't try to cash a two-party check from a third-
world country."
So, you can whine and moan about the burdens of government
regulations on taxpayers -- and while you're at it, you can pay my
portion of the bail-out caused by deregulating the S&L's...
-----------------------------------------
Sublime Slime's New Columnist
A Real Reasonable guy...
Rob N. Bobin
I'm a pretty reasonable guy -- all things being equal, I like to give
people the benefit of the doubt. I try not to think the worst of
people, unless, of course, they give me reason to think ill of them.
As I was sitting in a Greek Coffee Shop in the U District in Seattle
recently, I overheard a conversation that made me stop and think. Two
men were just going on and on about how all the skateboard punks were
totally ruining the U District. These guys didn't like the way the
punks look, they didn't like the fact that they hung out on the Ave,
they didn't like the fact some of them deal drugs -- just pointless
negativity piled on pointless negativity, in MY humble opinion.
I remember what it was like when I was that age. My parents didn't
like the way I dressed, the way I wore my hair --and, hoo boy, they
sure didn't understand that music I liked to listen to. I'm sure I
could strike up a conversation with the most threatening looking punk
on the street just by saying, "You know, son, my parents used to think
the music I listened to was nothing but NOISE."
Once again, it seems like these kids were getting put down just because
they look a little different, and maybe their lifestyle choices make it
a little difficult to fit in. But does that mean they're
automatically, no-doubt-about-it, Bad Dudes? I think: perhaps not.
If these two men I overheard would just look beyond the hair cuts and
loud music, I'm sure they'd find some pretty regular kids out there.
Kids just trying to make their way through adolescence in a world
that's tough enough for a lot of grown-ups. These kids deserve the
benefit of the doubt.
As luck would have it, a little later that day I ran into an old friend
and we talked a little about the conversation I'd overheard. Basically
an OK guy, my friend still saw things slightly differently. "You've
got to be kidding me -- are you crazy?" he gently chided me. "We're
talking a whole new ballgame on the streets today." "You were into an
occassional beer or maybe some marijuana so weak you had to smoke it
with friends just so you could convince each other it wasn't oregano."
"These kids are smoking crack and working as juvenile prostitutes --you
used to worry about whether you'd be able to afford the new Beatles'
records, these kids have to worry about whether they'd already got
AIDS."
I told my friend that I thought that, perhaps, he was getting a little
too far from his own teenage years, forgetting what it meant to
be a kid. It's always looked to adults like the current generation of
teenagers was going to hell in a handbasket. The tabloid hype he was
pushing had about as much resembalance today's teens as did James Dean
to the average fifteen year old in the 50's. "Most of them likely are
good kids...." I said.
We argued this for another half hour, countering one another's
perceptions with contrary examples. So, finally, we agreed to put it
to the test by interviewing some skateboard punks. We argued for a
time about what objective measure we could use to measure the kids'
"responsibility." There seemed few objective barometers available, but
I finally settled on current insurance coverage. With a big grin, my
friend agreed.
The first kids we interviewed was Speedo, fifteen and in torn jeans.
He was suspicious of us, and the mention of the word "responsibility"
evoked an almost visceral revulsion. But he warmed up when we
mentioned insurance.
"Damn straight I got insurance, man," Speedo volunteered. My man
sold me a bunch of that s**t." "You know: auto, life, the whole
deal." "And -- you get this straight -- I'm gonna COLLECT." To
my friend's amazement, this scene was repeated time after time as we
interviewed street kids over the next three weeks. Street kids, it
seems, knew more about insurance than the average Allstate agent.
This lead to another question: where do skateboard punks buy insurance?
People often wonder whether the kids with spiked hair and leather work.
It seemed to me a reasonable question to ask where they buy insurance
as well. I was quickly to discover that every community has its own
insurance salesman, just as different groups have their own attornies,
bakers, and restaurants.
Thus I came to meet Lee Ward, Insurance Salesman. Within five minutes
of shaking his hand he had uttered the trademark quote we'd heard from
each of the kids we'd talked with: "Live fast, die young, leave a big
party." And, you know, even my skeptical friend had to admit that he'd
been a little to quick to judge these kids by their appearance. And
that's what I'd call a reasonable conclusion.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
SUBLIME SLIME, THE Slug Tales Insider Newsletter, is produced on an
irregular basis at the Rancho McHrab Satire Preserve in beautiful
Bothell, Washington.
© 1990 - Stephen McCallister
You may freely copy and distribute this publication without
alteration. Feedback? E-mail FHCN63a on Prodigy or user Steve
McCallister on Exec PC BBS, Park Place BBS or Puget Sound TBBS.
=======================================================================
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