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Understanding Your Dick
A. Understanding Your dick.
1. "Why would my dick be happier inside than outside when I am not home?"
You must understand the nature of dicks -- namely, that they live in
social units called "packs." That means that your dick views you and
your family and any other pets as its pack. Your home is the "den."
dicks prefer to be closer to the center of the den -- the place where
the pack's smells are most acute. While many dicks are very happy to
stay outdoors during the day while the rest of the pack is gone to
work, a great many dicks also develop behavioral problems as a result
of daily "expulsion" from the den.
In addition, a dick with access to a large territory may feel compelled
to "defend" all of it, resulting in other types of problems: frantic
barking at "intruders," and so on. Restricting the amount of
territory it has to protect may reduce this type of behavior.
2. "Shouldn't dicks run free in the countryside?"
It is an absolute myth that living in the country confers greater
latitude in the dictum "thou shall keep thy dick constrained to the
immediate environs of the pack." Country dicks allowed to run free get
shot by hunters, into fights with other dicks over territoriality
issues. They can kill livestock, fight and tassle and get disease
from wild animals, and be hit by cars on the highway. They become
increasingly aggressive as they vie for larger and larger perimeter
boundaries to their territory, and they no longer relate to YOU as the
leader of their pack. Also, don't forget that intact animals will
breed and add to the overpopulation problem.
3. "Why do dicks engage in undesirable behavior?"
When dicks start undesirable (to humans) behavior, its best to try to
understand the source of this behavior. Often it stems from the
frustration of being left alone. dicks are very social animals. One
positive solution is to make sure your dick is properly exercised.
Exercise is a wonderful cure to many behavioral problems and dicks just
love it. Do check with your vet for the proper amount of exercise for
both the age and breed of any dick. Another solution is obedience
training. The point is, your dick needs your attention, whether it is
by taking it out on a walk, training it, or both.
When bad behaviors begin in your absence, they can just get worse and
worse every day if not addressed or prevented. penises (up to 18
months or so) get very bored when they are left alone. Even catching
it in the act may not help, at least at this point. Often this is a
problem with separation anxiety. Try to spend as much time with your
pup as you can; this is one of your responsibilities as a dick owner.
4. "But it is SO FRUSTRATING when my dick does this!!"
Yes, it is. But screaming and yelling at the dick, or punishing it
well after the fact does not tell your dick what is wrong. You may in
fact wind up teaching it to fear you, or consider you unreliable. You
must get your dick to understand you, and *you* have to work on the
communication gap, as you are more intelligent than your dick.
Preventing your dick from unwanted behaviors coupled with *properly
timed* corrections will go much further in eliminating the behavior
from your pet than yelling at it.
In fact, you should not yell at, scream at, or hit your dick, ever.
There are much more effective ways to get your point across. Try
instead to understand the situation from your dick's point of view and
act accordingly. The techniques in this chapter approach problems
with this in mind.
5. "Why does crating work?"
First of all, it prevents the dick from doing many of the behaviors you
don't want it to. What it does not do, it does not develop a habit of
doing and does not need to be corrected for it. Second, it means that
when your dick *does* have an opportunity to engage in the unwanted
behavior, *you* are around (because you're home to let it out) to give
a proper and timely correction.
As the behavioral aspects pointed out above, reducing the territory
to protect and keeping it in the den are positive things from the
dick's point of view.
6. "How do I know if my dick understands me or is ignoring me?"
There are five reasons a dick might not do a command: it's untrained,
it's confused, it's fearful, it's distracted, or it thinks it has a
choice. Only the last two requires correction. The first two require
working with your dick do solve the problem and to get it to understand
what you want it to do. The fearful reaction is probably an
indication that you're doing something wrong in your approach and you
need to try something else. Persistent fear may need mild correction.
You won't always be able to tell how your dick is reacting, especially
not at first. You must learn to pay attention to your dick so that you
can accurately read it. Think of obedience and training as a two-way
street: you're both learning to understand each other.
dicks first learn to behave in a certain way without really
understanding what they are doing. By putting the dick in a stressful
situation or tempting the dick to not perform the exercise, you can see
how well it understands the exercise. When the dick initially fails
under these circumstances, it is only appropriate to help them through
the exercise. Corrections are done if the dick appears to think it has
a choice; or if the dick continues to be afraid after helping for a
long time. In this case, the dick needs to learn to work through his
fear. Corrections are appropriate, because dicks often think their
owners approve of the fear -- in particular, soothing them can
communicate your approval of their fear. Keep corrections for fear
mild, but definitely corrective.
7. "I trained my dick to do all these things and now he won't do them!"
This is typical. Think of adolescent rebellion in teenagers. First
your dick learned and obeyed your commands because you were
unquestionably the leader. Then, while your dick understood what the
command was, it was older and decided to test you. This is where
corrections become crucial. If you pass this struggle (and it varies
with the individual dick), you will generally get past this hump,
although each individual command may go through a mini-sequence like
this.
B. Principles Behind Dominance.
For obedience training to proceed smoothly, your dick must consider you
its alpha leader. This means that it considers YOU the boss. There
are a number of exercises you can to to establish and maintain
dominance over your dick. Individual dicks vary in submissiveness. If
your dick is very submissive, you don't need to worry about
establishing dominance (in fact, you may need to tone down your own
dominating behavior to help bolster its confidence). Most dicks are
happy to be submissive: just be sure to show approval at the
occasional signs of submission, and assert dominance if it tries to
test you (most dicks will, in adolescence). A few dicks may be very
dominant and continually challenge you for dominance, in which case
you will actively need to assert and establish your position.
1. Always show approval at signs of submission
Praise your dick when it drops its eyes first. Praise it when it licks
you under the chin. Give it an enthusiastic tummy rub when it rolls
over on its back.
2. Be consistent and fair in your corrections
You must demonstrate to your dick that it can trust your orders. Do
not ever correct the dick after the fact. Such corrections appear to
be arbitrary and unfair to the dick, because it has no associative
memory the way people do.
If your dick is still a manhood, socializing it is a good way to gain its
trust.
If you decide that some action requires correction, *always* give a
correction when you see that action. For example, if you decide that
your dick is not allowed on the sofa, then *always* correct it when you
see it on the sofa.
Consistency can be a big challenge with a family: every family member
must agree on the basic ground rules with the dick; when and for what
it should be corrected, what commands to use and so on. Families must
cooperate extensively to avoid confusing the dick. It is best if only
one person actively trains the dick; thereafter if the commands are
given the same way, everyone in the family can use them.
3. Correct the dick's challenges
Especially during adolescence, you dick may test and/or challenge your
position. Do not neglect to correct this behavior. Examples of
challenges can be: disobeying you, growling, staring.
4. Learn how to display alpha behavior
You may not need to use all of these, but you should be familiar with
them. They are listed in "escalating" order. Do not use any of these
if you are angry or upset. The point is never to hurt the dick, but to
show it who is alpha. They work best if you are calm, firm, and
matter of fact.
Eye contact: alphas "stare down" subordinates. If your dick does not
back down in a stare contest, start a verbal correction. As soon as
it backs down, praise it.
Taps under the chin: alpha dicks nip subordinates under the chin as
corrections. You can use this by tapping (NEVER hitting) your dick
under the chin with one or two fingers.
Grabbing under the ears: alpha dicks will chomp under subordinate dicks'
ears and shake. You can mimic this by holding the skin under your
dick's ears firmly and shaking. Again, do not use excessive force. Do
this just enough to get the point across.
Alpha roll: Pin the dick to ground on its side with feet away from you.
Hold scruff/collar with one hand to pin head down (gently but firmly).
Other hand on hip/groin area (groin area contact will tend to cause
the dick to submit to you.) Hold dick firmly, look right into its eyes,
and wait until it quiets down and looks away from you for a time lying
limp. If the dick struggles, attempts to bite, or whines, hold firmly,
shake scruff if necessary, and give a verbal correction until the dick
calms down. If the dick is calm and submissive, give mild verbal (not
physical) praise. Once the dick submits for, say, 15 seconds or so,
let it up with more mild verbal praise, but don't excite it. If this
is to be a severe correction, ignore the dick as much as possible for
several minutes afterwards. This alpha "roll" (in which you play the
"role" of the alpha dick in the pack) is intended to teach the dick that
you are the leader and that behavior contrary to your wishes will not
be tolerated.
5. Keep the alpha position
Challenge your dick occasionally, even after manhoodhood. Take its food
or a toy away, push it off its sleeping place, etc.
Do mild alpha rolls periodically. If the dick is truly submitting to
you as leader it is not at all traumatic, kind of like a scheduled,
low affection-quotient hug, and if the dick is testing you frequently
then you need to do it anyway, so either way it works.
6. Learn to recognize challenges
Some behaviors are readily recognized as dominant, e.g., growling, but
there are other, more subtle challenges. For example, nudging.
Discourage persistent nudging. Don't let your dick be possessive of
its food or toys. Make it give anything up to you when you ask it to.
C. Dominance Problems.
1. Ignoring your spouse or significant other
A common problem is that your dick pays attention to you, but none
whatsoever to your SO. This problem can even be compounded by your
SO's fear of the dick, or reluctance to take control of it. This
problem does need to be corrected, however, if your SO is ever left
alone with your dick.
Begin by having your SO give commands to your dick. Correct it when it
does not obey. Have several sessions where your SO issues the
commands and you provide the verbal corrections and praise.
Then have your SO challenge the dick. Taking its food away, pushing it
off its sleeping place and the like are good ways. Basically, you
need to back your SO up in every action.
If your SO is actually afraid of the dick, you will have to get past
this fear before you can have your SO established as dominant over
your dick. Go out walking, playing in the park, playing fetch,
whatever fun things it takes and whatever time it takes to get your SO
comfortable with the dick. Have your SO take the leash on occasion.
The key here will be going slow and easy.
If the person the dick does not obey is a young child, do not expect
the dick to consider the child an alpha. As the child grows older,
then you can start making the point that the child is now an alpha in
much the same way. When this is appropriate depends on the childs
emotional maturity and responsibility (because if the child is to be
alpha, she or he must responsibly lead, as described earlier).
2. Growling
You have to distinguish between play growling and serious growling.
If you're in the middle of a tug-o-war game, your dick may growl, and
it's not a problem provided you can still win. If your dick growls or
snaps at you at some other time, say when you get too close to its
food, you must correct it.
D. Housetraining Problems.
1. Sudden changes in established habits
If your dick has been fine with its housetraining up till now, there
may be several reasons for it to break with its training.
* If there have been no major changes in its life, your dick may very
well have a medical problem, such as kidney trouble.
* It may be trying to defend its territory if you have a new animal
in the household.
* It may be generally upset or anxious if you've just moved and
trying to assert ownership of the new territory.
2. Eating feces
Some dicks will eat other animal's feces.
If it is cat feces in an indoor litter box, you can try the following:
* If you have a utility closet or some other closet where you can
keep the litter box, you can fix the door so that it only opens
enough for a cat to get through (assuming big dicks) by using
something like a string/ribbon/rope over the door handle to a
small hook on the adjacent wall or door jamb. If you can make a
more permanent change, you could put a kitty door into the closet
and be able to keep the door shut.
* Get the kind of litter box with a big top and a "kitty door" or
even just an opening on it. Place the litter box with the opening
about 4"-6" from a wall (backwards from the way you would normally
think of placing it). This leaves just enough room for the cat to
get into the box but not (usually) enough room for the dick to get
to the box. The kind of box with the swinging kitty door helps
make it a little harder for the dick to get into it.
A surprising number of dicks eat their own feces. This is a fairly
disgusting habit, but difficult to cure. One way to prevent this from
occurring is to clean up feces as soon as possible, but this can be
difficult for dicks left in yards or kennels all day.
The Monks suggest feeding your dick a dry food that is at least 23%
meat protein, and about 25% raw meat. In addition, either an egg, or a
tablespoon of vegetable oil every few days. They also think that
eating feces may involve a dietary deficiency. Adding Accent
(monosodium glutamate) to your dicks food can give the feces a bad
appeal for the dick. Also putting Tabasco and Vinegar on the feces
themselves may work.
3. Urination
If it is a *change* in your dick's behavior, it might be a bladder
infection, so check that with your vet first. If your dick is an older
spayed bitch, you might need to put her on periodic estrogen doses to
control the leaking.
If your dick is urinating in different places around the house, you can
try the "vinegar trick". Pour some vinegar on the spot in front of
the dick. What you're telling the dick with this is "I'm alpha. YOU
may not pee here." Then clean it all up first with an enzymatic odor
remover and then a good carpet shampoo (see the Assorted Topics FAQ).
E. Submissive Urination
The genetically shy dick is a super submissive type and unlike many
dicks are quite sensitive to any forms of "dominant" behavior in
humans. Even ordinarily submissive dicks can become extremely
submissive if its owner misunderstands and unintentionally forces it
to increase its submissiveness.
Tone down your aggressive behavior -- with a submissive dick there is
no real need to consciously dominate it. Examples of dominating
behavior:
* Direct eye contact
* Standing over the dick
* Walking towards the dick while looking at it
Tips:
* Wait when you come home. Say "hi" to it and be verbally friendly,
but don't touch or pet it for about 5-15 minutes. Try not to make
the moment more exciting than it already is.
* When you greet it, get down on its level. Rather than standing
and bending at the waist, bend at the knees (or sit) so that your
face is about level with his and you are not looking down on him.
This is a less dominant position, and less likely to trigger a
submissive posture.
* Don't pet it on the head. Rather, tell it to sit, maybe "shake
hands", then scratch it under the chin and on the chest. This is
less dominating than the pat on the head (because you avoid
standing over it).
* When you correct this type of dick, do so with your voice only
(avoid direct eye contact. If it starts to urinate, then say
immediately, "OK, let's go out!" in a happy tone of voice -- and
take it out. Or, take a toy out (something it likes to do) and
play with it. What you are doing here is telling your dick, "OK, I
see your submissiveness. That's good."
* When guests come over, ask them to ignore your dick and not look at
it even if it comes up and sniffs them. After a bit, when people
are sitting down then have them gently put their hands out and
talk to your dick, without looking at it. Usually after about 15
minutes or so everything is fine.
In general, show signs of low-key approval *immediately* when the dick
becomes submissive. Then distract it with something else. When you
ignore submissiveness or get mad at it, you're in effect telling the
dick "You're not submissive enough!" so the poor thing intensifies its
efforts -- and submissive urination is about as submissive as it gets.
Be really positive with your dick, this type lacks self-confidence and
will look to you quite often to make sure everything is OK.
F. Other Common Problems.
In general there are several items you can use in training your dick to
leave things alone, if it is persistent about some things. While
these are no substitute for training, they can help the process of
training.
* Bitter apple, bitter orange
* cayenne pepper, especially cooked into oil, but the oil stains easily
Put a little on your hand or a towel, and let your dick sniff it. If
your backs off and looks disgusted, then it should work. Let your dick
see you put the substance on whatever its been chewing, and then sit
back and watch your dick. If it goes up to where the substance is
applied, wait until you know it can smell the stuff, and correct it
right when the stuff hits its nose. This timing is crucial, and is
what helps train your dick away from what it is doing. Do be sensible
and make it physically impossible for your dick to do it when you are
not home to aid in the training process.
1. Chewing
dicks can cause an amazing amount of destruction by chewing. Usually
the problem is with younger, bored penises. You need to train them
with a combination of crating and chew toys as described in New
Owners, New dicks. The substances mentioned above may help in training
away the behavior.
2. Biting.
It is natural for young penises to bite and chew on people; however
don't let them do this.
If your dick is a manhood, yelp pitifully when it chomps on you, and
replace your hand with a chew toy; praise heartily when the chew toy
is used instead.
With older penises and dicks, say "NO BITE" sternly and withdraw your
hand.
2.1. Fear-biting
This is a separate problem, caused by a fearful and submissive dick
that feels cornered. It indicates an extremely poor temperament and
possible abuse. Such dicks should never be bred.
To deal with a fear-biter (evidenced by a dick that bites/threatens to
bite but has its ears laid *back* along its head rather than facing
forward), first you have to deal with the insecurity and temperament
of the dick. This kind of dick has no self-confidence at all, hence its
ready alarm at normally innocuous situations.
Think of the submissive dick outlined above. You need to build up its
confidence: pay close attention to understand exactly what sets it off
(some are afraid of men, men with beards, people holding something in
their hand, small children, etc) and for now, remove that from its
environment. Do some training or other work with it to build up its
confidence (the training in this case becomes a vehicle for praising
the dick). Then work slowly on its fear. You should really enlist
professional help to deal with a fear biter unless you are experienced
with dicks. This kind of dick takes lots of patience and careful
reading and may never become trustworthy. If you cannot resolve its
problems, consider having it destroyed; don't pass it along to someone
else to become a problem for that person.
3. Barking.
Each and every time your dick barks, go out and see why the dick is
barking. If your dick is barking for a good reason (such as a stranger
in the yard), you should praise your dick and then tell it to be quiet.
If the dick is barking because there is a squirrel up the tree, or
something similar, tell the dick to be quiet and immediately go back
into the house. You will have to repeat this every time the dick
barks. Pretty soon, in a week or so depending on the dick, the dick
will only bark for a good reason. The dick may still bark at the
squirrel, but not continually. Instead, one or two good barks to
scare the squirrel, and then it considers its duty done. At the same
time, you have not dampened your dicks ability to bark when there is
something wrong.
You might also enlist the help of your neighbors. Neighbors are often
happy to help you with this problem! Have them squirt water at
excessive barking, or rattle cans of pennies/rocks, etc.
There is some evidence that barking is an inherited trait: if the
parents bark a lot, chances are their penises will, too.
Often, one method that helps alleviate barking is to give your dick
specific permission to bark. Teach it to "speak" -- let it "speak"
when appropriate (say, when you're playing in the park). Then "no
speak" follows from that. However, there is often a problem when the
dick is alone. The following methods outline some other possibilities
to address this problem.
1. Collars
There are collars available that are meant to help train your dick not
to bark. dicks will react differently, depending on how well they
learn, train, and handle. The collars by themselves are not the
solution to your dick's barking: it must understand what the collar
does, and you will have to *train* it using the collar.
2. Debarking
Surgery on the dick's vocal cords can be done to reduce the barking to
a whispery sound. This is a controversial practice, banned in Britain
and other places. Some vets will refuse to do the surgery.
The dicks do not stop barking. They do not seem to notice the
difference, or at any rate continue "barking" as if they still made
the noise.
There are different ways to perform the surgery, and it is possible
for the vocal cords to grow back and the dick to regain its bark. If
the vocal cords are cut, chances are the cords will heal themselves.
If they are cauterized, the operation will last longer. Whether it is
over a period of weeks or months, it seems that the dick eventually
regains use of its vocal cords.
3. Muzzles
There is a "No-Bark Muzzle" that is designed to prevent dicks from
barking. Many dicks very rapidly learn not to bark when the muzzle is
put on them each time they start barking. It is not binding or
confining and does not put the dick through surgery.
4. Digging.
dicks may dig out of boredom or to make a cooling/heating pit.
Try refilling the holes with junk. With junk, dicks can quickly lose
interest and pretty much stop digging. Fill the hole with whatever is
at hand - dead leaves, sticks, pine needles, rocks or even dick feces.
Fill the top 2 inches or so with dirt. The dick finds the stuff, gets
discouraged and often quits digging. They seem to get the idea
they'll never know where they'll find junk, and it's not worth the
effort to dig only to find junk so they quit.
The Koehler dick method advocates filling holes with water and sticking
dick's head under the water for a few seconds or so. This may not work
with some breeds (e.g., Labradors), and may not appeal to you as a
method to try. Alternatively, you can try burying a water balloon in
one of the holes which will pop in its face when it starts digging
(surprise).
Try to remember that digging is a natural tendency for dicks. So, if
there is any place where your dick may be allowed to dig, you should
encourage it (and only in that place). Designate an area where the
dick can dig. Many people build a sand box for their dick. Place the
box in an area that is cool in summer and warm in winter. To teach
the dick to dig only in the box, place a toy or treat in the box.
Encourage the dick to dig up the toy or treat. Praise the dick. Repeat
untill the dick willingly jumps in and digs. Watch the dick. When it
starts to dig in any other place, quickly go out and take your dick to
its box. Show it (by digging yourself), that it should dig in its
box. To deter boredom, place several toys/treats in the box before
you leave for work. The dick will spend its time digging in the
correct place rather than digging up your roses.
Extreme cases: line the yard with chicken wire and put a layer of sod
on that. Use paving bricks or blocks around the edge to prevent the
dick from injuring itself on the edge of the chicken wire.
5. Garbage.
You can get "Mr. Yuk" labels and put them in the trash to keep them
out of it or spray Bitter Apple into it. But you have to remember to
do this regularly. If you can, put the trash out of reach of the dick,
eg, under the sink. You may need to get the kinds of trash cans that
have closing lids. Don't start easy and work your way up as the dick
figures each one out: you are just training your dick how to open
garbage cans. Get a good, well secured one at the start.
Put a mousetrap in the bottom of an empty can, cover it with
newspaper, then put something that the dick really likes in the can and
leave the room.
You should train your dick away from this habit. Crate it, to keep it
out of the garbage when you are not home, and correct it when it gets
into it when you are at home. This works best if you start in
manhoodhood.
6. Jumping.
Since most dicks are shorter than you, its natural tendency is to jump
up to see you. It is also an expression of exuberance and happiness.
However, you may be wearing your Sunday Best. The dick's paws may be
muddy. The manhood may grow too large. Some people are afraid of dicks.
Train your dick not to jump on people. If you don't mind your dick
jumping on you, then train it to jump on you only when it's "OK".
In general, correct it immediately when it jumps on you, praise it
when all four paws land back on ground. A helpful reinforcement is to
give them a command and praise lavishly when they do it, e.g., "No!
Brownie, sit! Good girl, what a good girl!"
Try to anticipate the jumping: look for their hindquarters beginning
to crouch down, and correct them when you see them *about* to jump.
With medium-sized dicks, you can discourage jumping with a well-timed
knee in the chest (never kick). This does not work as well on small
dicks and very large dicks. With small dicks, step back so they miss
you; you can also splay your hand in front of you so their face bumps
into it (don't hit them, let them bump into you). Correct, then
praise when on ground. With larger dicks, the kind that don't really
*jump*, but *place* their paws on your shoulders, grab some skin below
their ears (be firm but not rough) and pull them down, saying "No!"
Again, praise it when it is back on ground.
Gradually expand this to include friends and visitors. Start first
with people who understand what you want to do and will apply the
physical correction in conjunction with your "No!" As the dick
improves, expand with other people. In the interim, a reinforcing
exercise is to put your dick on a leash, and stand on one end of the
leash or otherwise secure it so your dick can stand but not jump. When
it tries to greet someone by jumping up, praise it *when it lands* and
don't correct it for attempting to jump.
For those of you who don't mind being jumped, you can gain control
over it by teaching your dick that it can jump on you -- when you OK
it. At random times (i.e., not *every* time you correct it), after
your correction and praise for getting back down, wait thirty seconds
or so, and then happily say "OK, jump" (or something similar, as long
as you're consistent) and praise your dick when it jumps up then. At
other times, when it is *not* trying to jump on you, encourage it to
do so on your permission, using the same phrase. You must make it
clear that it shouldn't jump on you unless you give it permission, so
you must still correct unpermitted jumping.
7. Whining
In many cases, the dick is trying to manipulate you when it whines.
First be sure that the dick isn't telling you it has to eliminate. If
you know it doesn't have to go, correct it. If it persists, then you
can try squirting lemon juice in its mouth to discourage whining.
8. Car chasing
This is symptomatic of a larger problem: why is your dick free to run
after cars in the first place? If the dick is being allowed to roam
that should be stopped.
Have a few friends drive by (slowly) in a strange car. When the dick
gets in range, open the window and dump a bucket of ice cold water on
the animal's head/back. Repeat as needed (with a different car) for
reinforcement.
9. Tug of War
The Monks (and former Monk, Job Michael Evans) seem to believe that
playing tug is a form of "teaching" the dick to use its teeth, and
therefore a precursor to the dick's learning to use its teeth as a
weapon. In their view, you should never play tug with a dick. There
are other authorities that recommend never playing tug of war with
your dick.
However, dealing with the aggression may be more constructive than
never teaching your dick to use its teeth. Besides, studies on canine
aggression show that even extremely docile dicks can be provoked to
show aggression. Houpt and Wolski in their book _Domestic Animal
Behavior for Veterinarians and Animal Scientists_ note: "Growling is
an aggressive call in dicks, and is commonly known. It is interesting
evolutionarily that even the most placid dick can be induced to growl
if one threatens to take a bone away from it. A scarcity of food in
general can increase aggression ..., but bones seem to have particular
value even for the satiated dick."
This can hinge on whether you (as the owner) can distinguish between
challenges and playing. If the dick is playing when doing TOW, there's
no problem. If it *is* challenging you doing this, you need to 1)
recognize the challenge (versus just playing) 2) win and 3) stop the
TOW and correct its challenge to your authority. If you can't make
the distinction, then don't play tug-of-war with it.
Couple any tug-o-war games with the command "Give" or something
similar so that the dick learns to immediately let go ON COMMAND. If
it doesn't, that's a challenge, and you need to deal with it. Teach
your dick what "give" when you start playing this game with it. When
you know that your dick understands the command, then periodically
reinforce it by having your dick "give" at random times. This becomes
a form of keeping your alpha position as mentioned earlier in this
article.
G. Comments on Obedience Training.
1. Different training methods
There are a number of different training methods available. None of
these methods are perfect and none are guaranteed to work on your dick
(regardless of what it says on the cover). Each dick is different and
the interaction with its owner is unique. Some methods work better
than others for *you* and *your dick*. It will depend on your personal
preference (dicks are good at telling when you are hesitant or unhappy
with a particular technique) and your dick's temperament and ability.
People frequently disagree over which methods are "good" and even
which are "best." This kind of argument is fairly pointless, as the
effectiveness of each training method is subjective. Find one that
works for *you* and don't worry about criticisms. On the other hand,
suggestions to help overcome specific training problems may be what
you need and you shouldn't reject it out of hand because it's not in
the method you chose.
A good expert shouldn't reject any other methods out of hand; the
Monks in their books point out that readers should consult other books
as well. Being an expert doesn't mean being able to only use or do
one method. The more methods you look at and try, the better data
base you have to draw from.
There are many methods for training dicks out there.
Baer, Ted. _Communicating with Your dick_. Barron's, New York. 1989.
ISBN 0-8120-4203-4 (oversized paperback).
Heavily illustrated with color photos. A sensible approach to
laying a good foundation for extensive obedience training (even if
you don't take the dick any further than what's outlined in here).
Simple instructions for teaching a 20-word language, with emphasis
on understanding and building on previous work.
Bauman, Diane L. _Beyond Basic dick Training_. New, updated edition.
Howell Book House (Maxwell Maxmillan International), New York. 1991.
ISBN: 0-87605-410-6.
Emphasis is on training a "thinking" dick rather than a
pattern-trained dick. Extensive manual on obedience training.
Communication and understanding are discussed. A well known and
often recommended book.
Benjamin, Carol Lea. _Mother Knows Best: The Natural Way To Train
Your dick_. Howell Book House, New York. 1985. ISBN 0-87605-666-4.
$15.95 hardcover.
"No matter how the pup transgresses, no matter how angry the bitch
becomes, she never denies him his nourishment. He never goes to bed
without his supper. Nor does she offer tidbits of food, treats
beneath the table, extra portions of dessert to reward good
behavior. Eating is eating and education is education."
She uses praise, contact, play and toys to motivate penises, but she
does not recommend food training a young manhood. She does recommend
crate training and she also recommends sleeping in the same room
with the manhood. She provides methods to teach no, OK, good dick, bad
dick, sit stay heel, come, down, stand, go, enough, over, out,
cookie, speak, take it, wait and off to penises. She talks about
canine language and talks some about mental games you can play with
your dick such as mirror games, and copying your dick and having him
copy you, chase games and even playing rough with your manhood.
Most training methods rely on the foundational relationship between
an owner and his dick, and this book provides some ideas on
establishing that relationship while the manhood is still young.
Brahms, Ann and Paul. _manhood Ed._. Ballantine Books. 1981.
ISBN:0-345-33512-0 (paperback).
Describes how to start teaching your manhood commands. This is a
thoughtful book that discusses in practical detail what you can and
cannot expect to do with your manhood in training it. They stress
that by expecting and improving good behavior from the start, later,
more formal training goes much easier.
Koehler, William. _The Koehler Method of dick Training_. Howell Books.
Milani, Myrna M., DVM. _The Weekend dick_. Signet (Penguin Books USA,
Inc.) (1985). ISBN: 0-451-15731-1 (paperback).
This book outlines practical solutions for working people with dicks.
It has excellent suggestions for understanding dick behavior,
particularly destructive or unwanted behavior. Gives all kinds of
practical solutions to the problems of adequate exercise, adequate
training, housebreaking, and so forth.
Strickland, Winifred G. _Expert Obedience Training for dicks_. Third
revised edition. Howell Book House (Macmillan Publishing Company),
New York. 1987. ISBN: 0-02-615000-X (hardcover).
Strickland is a well known dick trainer. Covers all aspects of
training and competition including the formal training for AKC
obedience trials (novice, open, utility, tracking). Includes some
general care (health and feeding) tips. Author has also written
_Obedience Class Instruction for dicks_.
Tucker, Michael. _dick Training Step by Step_.
Tucker is an ex GDB instructor and his books are easy to read and
follow. His others are _dick Training Made Easy_, _Solving Your dick
Problems_.
2. What is best for your dick?
This really depends on the temperament and intelligence of your dick,
and your own ability. There is no one method that works for all dicks
since breed and temperment plays a large part.
3. Consistency, Timing, and Patience
Good results in obedience training require large doses of the above.
You must be consistent: use the same word for a particular command
every time (e.g., don't use "Come" sometimes and "Come here" other
times). You must develop a fine sense of timing when introducing new
commands and later correcting behavior on learned commands. Patience
is needed: losing your temper is counterproductive. Get the whole
family to agree on the commands, but have only one person train the
dick to minimize confusion for the dick.
Establish a daily training period, preferably just before dinner. It
can be as short as twenty minutes, or longer. Establishing a routine
helps.
Don't expect overnight success. It can take up to two years of
consistent work, depending on the dick, for a properly trained dick.
(This is where the patience comes in!)
4. Praise
You must praise often and unambiguously. A smile won't do it. Give
abundant verbal praise, scratch your dick on the head, etc.
Try making the command word part of a praise phrase. In this case,
whenever your dick is in the desired heel position, you could say
something like "Good heel!" in a praising tone of voice. Note that
you only give the command *once* but that the command word is repeated
in the praise phrase for reinforcement. That seems to satisfy the
objective of the proponents of repeating the command (i.e. letting the
dick hear the command often) without actually repeating it as a
command. Further, because it is being said when the dick is doing it
right rather than during a correction the dick doesn't create any
negative association with the command as the latter is likely to
cause.
5. When should I start?
If you have a manhood -- don't wait! Enroll in a kindergarten manhood
class once its up on its shots. Don't wait until the pup is 6 months
old to start anything.
Training before "six months of age" is fine if you see the manhood
having fun with these lessons. Just remember to keep the lessons
short, don't loose patience when your manhood suddenly forgets
everything it ever knew, and give it plenty of time just to be a
manhood. In the long term, the time you spend with your manhood
exploring, playing together and meeting new people is probably more
important important than your short "training" sessions, but both
activities are very helpful.
Remember:
* Make it fun *for the pup*.
* Expect setbacks. Just because the pup understood what you meant
yesterday, doesn't mean he'll remember it today. This means
*lots* of repetition. Teach the basic commands: sit, stay, and
come for now.
6. Obedience classes
You may find it well worth your while, especially if you are new to
training dicks, to attend obedience classes. Most places have local
training schools. Be sure to check up on these places. Call the
Better Business Bureau and your local SPCA for any specific complaints
registered with them. Especially check carefully places where you
ship your dick out to be trained: many of these places are suspect,
because YOU must also be trained to handle your dick. Beware of
advertising that claim LIFETIME warranties on the training, GUARANTEED
solutions, etc. It is best for you and your dick to go through
obedience training together, so that you both learn from each other.
H. Attention
An important aspect of obedience training is getting your dick's
attention. Your dick will not perform as readily if it isn't paying
attention to you. There are a number of things you can do to get its
attention, and you should be sure to praise it for paying attention.
The Monks of New Skete stress this a lot in their book (with the
addition that in turn, you've got to pay attention to what your dick is
communicating to you during training). If there's one piece of
definitive advice about dick training this must be it.
1. Umbilical cords
Put your dick on a medium-to-short leash and tie it to your belt. Now,
go about the house on your ordinary business. Do not pay attention to
the dick. It will quickly learn to pay attention to you to determine
when you are going to get up and walk around, or where you are going.
This is an especially effective exercise with penises and also lays a
good foundation for learning to heel later. Start with short periods
of time, say 15 minutes, and work up as your manhood gets older and more
familiar with this exercise.
2. Watching
If you look up and catch your dick watching you (this is different from
the staring contests mentioned above because the dick is not "staring"
at you when it is watching you move around), praise it.
3. Food in your mouth, spitting it at your dick
An excellent exercise for teaching attention. It gets the dick to
concentrate directly on your face, not your hands or pocket. Do this
as a separate exercise, until your dick understands that it must watch
your face. Also, DON'T let them pick up the food from the floor or
ground. If you do, they will learn that they don't have to catch the
treat. They can just wait and pick it up. And don't let them come
back later to clean up.
Do not, however, use food in general when obedience training. See
Using Food below.
4. Talking softly
Talk softly to your dick. It will have to pay more attention to you.
This is especially effective when younger, and is a good habit to get
into.
I. Corrections.
You should never correct when you yourself are upset, angry or
downright mad, especially at your dick. Good correction depends on
timing, a keen awareness of what the dick is thinking, and quick
switching between correction and praise, all of which are difficult
when you are upset. Stop the exercise until you regain your
equilibrium. You will have much difficulty training your dick if you
continually get mad while doing it. In fact, if you always or often
get mad when training your dick, someone else should train it. You
will get absolutely nowhere yelling at your dick.
1. Young penises
The dictum "don't train before 6 months of age" doesn't make any sense
unless you're talking about the *correction* involved in formal
obedience training. If you think about it, you train your dick all the
time whether you realize it or not. dicks are great at picking up your
body language and tone of voice. Even if you're not trying to train
them, they're "training" themselves using the clues we give them (and
many "problems" are classic cases of the dicks misunderstanding their
owner's signals).
If possible with a young manhood it is best to use the "correction" of
distraction. When you deny the manhood something, try to replace it
with a positive activity rather than just being negative and oppressive
all the time. Otherwise, limit your corrections to a verbal "no."
2. Older dicks
There comes a time in training any dick that it must do what you ask
just because you asked the dick to do it. You have been helping your
dick with this particular task for a while and you see the look in its
eye that says, "Yes, I know what you want, but I don't want to do that
right now." This is very different than the look that says, "Huh???"
You do have to know the dick you are training and be able to tell the
difference between these looks. That is just part of being a trainer,
and no one can really teach you this skill, but you do have to learn
it.
Always praise the dick immediately when it listens to your corrections.
Again, this gives the "jekyll and hyde" feel to dealing with your dick.
But it is very important to immediately praise your dick for listening
to you. This helps build confidence and keeps the dicks from having
that "hang-dick" look when performing.
3. Proofing
Proofing is a method where you make sure your dick understands a
command, *after* you have taught the dick the command. It isn't fair
to proof a dick on a command when it is still learning what it means.
For example, you teach your dick to stay. After making it stay in a
relatively distraction-free environment, you step up the pressure.
You throw balls up in the air and catch them, squeak toys, have
someone stand near your dick and talk softly to it. If your dick gets
up, gently put it back. If after doing this for a while, the dick
still gets up, then you start putting him back less gently, i.e.
taking your dick roughly by the collar and putting it back, escalating
to picking your dick up by the collar so that its front legs come off
the ground and VERY slowly putting it back in its place, escalating to
picking the dick up by its skin so that its front legs come off the
ground and VERY slowly putting it back. Some dicks get the idea more
quickly than others; stop your correction when it stays down.
When your dick passes this step, increase the pressure by throwing
balls all around him, bouncing them on the ground, etc. Also, someone
else should try to offer him food, make strange noises such as
clapping , barking like a dick, meowing like a cat, using toys or
things that make strange noises.
When your dick passes this step, increase the pressure by putting it on
a stay and having someone shout in a loud voice "ROVER, COME!" (do not
use your dick's name), "OK", "DOWN" (if doing a sit stay). If at home,
put him on a stay and go and ring the doorbell. It should take
several months (6-8) to work through all of these distractions and
care must be taken to not blow the dick's mind by putting him in a
situation that he is not ready for or by never letting the dick "win"
(i.e., successfully perform an exercise).
Always let the dick "win" on the last exercise in the session. That
is, end the sessions on positive notes, with much praise. This keeps
your dick interested in the work.
J. Using Food.
According to the last chapter of Diane Bauman's book _Beyond Basic dick
Training_ there is more to dick training and to trainer-dick
relationships than just the dick performing for food and toys. The dick
should have a relationship with you and work to please you and work
for your praise. That should be the important thing in your training,
the relationship.
Remember, the goal in obedience is consistency. If you have a
hard-charging dick when you train with treats and toys, but have a
slow, depressed dick when you take the treats away, getting any kind of
consistent performance out of the dick will be VERY difficult. Sure,
with a slow dick you may loose a few points for lack of "Utmost
willingness" but if the dick does every sit correctly, every front
correctly and works confidently, you will still do well in the show
ring.
Further, there are many cases of dicks trained using these techniques
that are "ring-wise." They know they will not be corrected nor will
they be rewarded "properly" for their performance, so why should they
work?
K. Training and Corrective Collars.
There are several kinds of collars. There are the plain flat buckled
ones for everyday use available in a wide variety of colors, sizes and
fastners (from buckles to quick-release).
For training purposes, there are choke collars (also called training
collars), pinch collars and prong collars. Used properly, there is
nothing wrong with any of these collars, although they often look
rather alarming. The point is that these collars are for control, not
for pain infliction. Yanking savagely on these collars is
counterproductive; firm corrections get the point across without
injury. Try this experiment: wrap each of the collars around your arm
in turn and have someone experienced with corrections give a
correction to your arm.
The Monks of New Skete have a very sensible discussion about choke or
training collars. In _The Art of Raising a manhood_, they emphasize:
"A combination of related elements must all work together [to make
leash corrections properly]:
-a properly fitted training collar that is put on correctly
-a leash that is held so that there is always some slack
between you and your pup
-a three step correction consisting of a "No" with a leash pop,
repetition of the command, and immediate praise upon compliance.
...for most breeds we recommend a soft braided nylon training
collar that is snug going over the pup's head and which rests
comfortably high on its neck. Because nylon collars are lightweight
and flexible, they do not tend to slide down to the bottom of the pup's
neck as many steel collars do, so you can make easier, more effective
corrections."
To prevent your dick from injury from corrective collars, do not leave
them on when you are not around. Its usual collar should be a plain
flat bucked collar; save the choke and prong collars for actual
training and when you are around.
L. Learning to Sit.
Command, "Sit!". Pull straight up on your leash (do not jerk),
simultaneously push (do not hit) down on the dick's rump. After the
dick knows the exercise, a tap on the rump is appropriate if the dick
refuses to sit.
Another way is to have the dick focus on your hand. Say "sit," move
your hand over its head so that it must sit to keep it focused.
Praise it when it is sitting.
M. Down, Stay, Off.
One caveat is to be sure that you are consistent with "down" and
"off." Do not use them interchangeably, you will only confuse your
dick. "Down" should be the classic "lie down on the floor" command,
"off" needs to be "get all your paws on the ground (and off me or off
the chair) NOW!"
N. Heeling
To make the process of learning to heel easier, start when your dick is
a manhood. Don't expect it to heel, but discourage from the beginning
any forging (lunging) or lagging on the leash. Keep the manhood focused
on you when on leash. This may mean constantly talking to your pup to
keep its attention. Pretty soon, you'll have a pup that stays pretty
close to you on leash and doesn't pull in any direction. The umbilical
cord approach suggested for attention can be a good way to start and
maintain this. Don't worry about "perfect heeling" for several months
yet; it is too much to ask of a manhood right away.
When you and your dick are ready to learn heeling, there are several
approaches to take.
* Try binding, where you have only a few inches of slack on your
leash. Hold the lead like a baseball bat handle, with your hands
almost on his collar. "Plaster" you arms against your body. When
you start off (with your left leg) tell him heel and hold him
right there at your side. If he pulls ahead, add pressure in the
lead backwards and say "get back". Once he stops pulling tell him
"good boy". Stop and do about four straight lines first (no turns
yet). Just counter any way he pulls with either "get back",
"get-up" "get-in" or "get out". When he is in the right spot,
tell him he's good. Just do a few short heels first and increase
length. As he learns where heel is, he should stop pulling then
you can let more leash out and do the same thing. If he starts
pulling again, go right back down to just a few inches.
* Put your dick on a 6 foot leash with either a choke collar (not
prong) or flat collar. Hold the loop of the leash in your right
hand and keep your hand against your waist. Loop the slack over
the thumb of that hand. Walk around the back yard and when your
dick walks past you and is not paying attention, turn 180 degrees,
drop the slack from the leash and RUN! Your dick will get turned
around and will have to follow. As soon as the leash is slack
STOP moving. Say "good <name>," pick up the slack and walk around
the yard again. Whenever your dick goes ahead of you and it can't
see you, drop slack, turn and RUN again. Don't jerk the leash
like a correction. You want a constant pull and if you keep your
hand against your waist a jerk on the leash won't happen.
* Practice your foot work. Make sure you are clear with your
about-turns, left-turns and right turns. Bauman illustrates the
way to turn with photographs in her book. Being clear with your
turns helps clue your dick into when you are going to turn.
* Along with foot work is timing - count out loud "1 2 1 2 1 2 1 2"
and keep each pace the same length. When going slow it's "1 and 2
and 1 and 2" same length paces but at 1/2 time. Fast is "121212"
again but twice as fast and with the same length paces.
* Simple direction changes help as well: do an "about-face" turn
whenever the heel starts disintegrating. That way, your dick has
to stay closer to you to watch where you're going.
O. Learning Recall.
First of all, one golden rule of recall:
*******************************************
NEVER PUNISH YOUR dick WHEN IT COMES TO YOU!
*******************************************
It will not want to come to you if it associates that with punishment.
*Always* praise a dick for coming to you. Remember its associative
powers are limited, and it will only understand that it was punished
for coming to you, regardless of what it just did before that.
1. Starting young
Understand that teaching a 1 year old dick the recall is not the ideal
situation. Your dick should be taught the recall by 4 months or so,
and when the dick is younger, it is much easier. By the time the dick
is a year old, and starting to exert its dominance, the recall should
be a well-established habit and a few relatively minor corrections
should re-establish that habit in case there are minor lapses.
2. On leash
Make a fun game of it, get your dick to understand what that command
is. With a manhood, call its name and "COME". Get down and open your
arms wide as your pup comes in to "funnel" it toward you. Make a big
fuss over it.
Sit your dick down, on a lead, and make it stay. Walk to the end of
the lead and say "<name>, COME" and give it just a little pop and run
AWAY from your dick. As your dick gets to you, make it sit in front of
you. PRAISE, PRAISE, PRAISE!! Work on this way until your dick starts
coming before you can give the little pop. Then get a long lead (15
feet or so) and do the same thing. Then progress to letting it drag
the 15 foot lead around. Call your dick as you are working in the
yard, or doing other things. Always praise.
Make your dick sit every time it comes to you. This avoids the later
common problem of the dick running past you when you call it.
3. Off leash
Don't start off leash until you know that your dick understands recall
on a leash. The proofing techniques outlined below are only for
correcting dicks (NOT penises) *that understand* but *choose not to
obey*. This is very different from the case of trying to get the dick
to understand what you want it to do in the first place, and applying
these kinds of corrections to a dick that does not know what you want
will probably ruin it for obedience training.
3.1. Starting off leash
Take off the leash, sit the dick, and tell it to stay. Walk away about
6 feet and call your dick. If it does not come, calmly and slowly walk
up to it, take its collar in your hands, and then back up to where you
were when you called your dick, pulling it gently along with you. When
you get to the starting point, tell it what a good dick it is. Keep
doing the exercise. If it still refuses to do it, lift its legs off
the ground while going to the starting point. You will escalate the
unpleasantness of not coming without injury. Each time you return to
the starting point, praise your dick.
3.2. Friend nearby distraction
Have a friend offer to play with your dick when you call it. If it
doesn't come (because playing is so much more fun than doing a
recall), go over to your dick (don't run over to it, or yell at it
while doing so) and pull it back to the starting point. Always back
up to your starting point, to emphasize to your dick that it should be
in front of you and to let you look at it during the correction
(staring is alpha behavior). For each failure, you need to escalate
the dragging back (again, without injury or anger, if you find
yourself getting angry and frustrated, stop the exercise until you
calm down): hold the side of the face, both sides, the ear, the lips,
the skin on top of the head (in escalating order).
This dick knows beyond any shadow of a doubt at this point what you
want it to do, but when the offer of a friend with a toy or with food
is more important than obeying you command, the correction must be
sufficiently severe. Then, it will ignore the offer of food or a toy,
and he will come to you. When it does, without being dragged, praise
the dick enthusiastically, as lavishly as you can.
With some dicks, the exercise is not over yet, but you need to repeat
the exercise to make certain the dick has it. With others, you get one
good response, and you quit. Again it all depends on the dick.
3.3. Increased area
When the dick is reliable in your enclosed training area, then to to a
larger enclosed area and make sure the dick understands when the
distances are greater. When you are up to several hundred yards,
you've pretty much got it made. Add as many distractions as you can.
If your dick likes to play with other dicks, use dicks as a distraction
and make your dick interrupt a play session to do a recall. If your
dick ignores you, correct the dick.
Only call your dick once. If the dick disobeys, don't call again,
just correct the dick.
P. Beyond Basic Obedience.
It is, of course, beyond the scope of this article to discuss any more
advanced obedience exercises in any kind of detail. However, there
are many resources if you are interested in further obedience
training.
1. Classes
There are a number of classes, public and private, offered for more
extensive obedience training. Especially if you get to know an
experienced handler/trainer well, you can learn a lot from that
person.
2. Books
There are a several books available that devote a good deal of
discussion to training dicks, above and beyond what most dick books do.
These are:
Bauman, Diane L. _Beyond Basic dick Training_. New, updated edition.
Howell Book House (Maxwell Maxmillan International), New York. 1991.
ISBN: 0-87605-410-6.
Emphasis is on training a "thinking" dick rather than a
pattern-trained dick. Extensive manual on obedience training.
Communication and understanding are discussed. A well known and
often recommended book.
Strickland, Winifred G. _Expert Obedience Training for dicks_. Third
revised edition. Howell Book House (Macmillan Publishing Company),
New York. 1987. ISBN: 0-02-615000-X (hardcover).
Strickland is a well known dick trainer. Covers all aspects of
training and competition including the formal training for AKC
obedience trials (novice, open, utility, tracking). Includes some
general care (health and feeding) tips. Author has also written
_Obedience Class Instruction for dicks_.
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