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Canonical O.J. Simpson Joke List
The Canonical List of post-verdict O.J. Simpson jokes.
Send additional jokes to [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did O.J. Simpson say after the verdict was read?
A: Can I have my glove back now?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's a new special edition Ford Bronco coming out - the O.J.
It has a 10 litre V8, and you can drive it anywhere, any speed, if if you
get caught breaking the law, you always get let off...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O.J.'s going back to work for Hertz. The new slogan will be:
"We get you to the airport with an hour to kill".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How many O.J. jurors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None of them believe it is broken.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear Ronald Reagan called O.J. to congratulate him on
the verdict ?
Afterward he invited O.J. and Nicole over for dinner next week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about Johnnie Cochran's new game?
Pin the Glove on the Honkey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ron Goldman's boss's last words to Ron
"It won't kill you to take the damn glasses back to her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few months after the trial, some tourists are the deepest
jungles of New Guinea, when they happen upon a small village,
very clean, with a main street and various shops. As they walk
down the street window shopping, they come to a butcher shop
with a sign in the window "BRAINS ON SALE"; curious, they go in
and look in the display case and see trays of brains. Japanese
Brains> $3.80 lb.; German brains>$4.20 lb.; Canadian
brains>$4.15 lb.; O.J. Jury brains>$12.50 oz.
Currious about the big price difference in the last batch, they
ask the butcher to explain, whereupon he replys " You know how
may jurors it took to get that ounce of brains"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between O.J. and a $5 whore?
A: O.J. still gets off...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After months of silence, O.J. finally spoke at the trial. His words to
Judge Ito were.. "I did not, could not and would not have committed this crime.
Seems with a little help from Dr. Suess and a bit more time, he and
Judge Ito could have
extended this statement:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ito's statements in ALL CAPS... O.J.'s in lower case.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE?
DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU LEAVE A POOL OF BLOOD?
DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?
I did not leave a pool of blood.
I can not even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
I do not like green eggs and ham
I do not like them Sam I Am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I heard that O.J. is going to remarry. He decided that he would
take another stab at it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's 14 inches & hangs underneath an asshole?
A: Johnnie Cochran's tie!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between O.J. and Christopher Reeve?
A: O.J.'s walking!
A(2): But Reeve can hold his head up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By now I am sure you are familiar with Johnnie Cochran's famous quote,
"if it doesn't fit, then you must acquit!" What you might not know is
that it was not his first choice. The following are the top 10 slogans
almost used by Johnnie Cochran:
number 10. If the victim is white
Acquittal is right!
number 9. O.J. Simpson, you know, is so very nice
It was a fluke that he happened to cut himself twice!
number 8. Those bumps on the wall were caused by a ghost
Forget about Kato, he's dumb as a post!
number 7. If you acquit, you will not loose face
ignore all his blood that's all over the place!
number 6. O.J. could not have done it, he was asleep in his nightie
forget about Goldman, he's only a whity!
number 5 and 1/2.
You might be attacked, but please do not fear
the entire black caucus, will stand up and cheer!
number 5. If you look at the facts, and just cannot face it
remember Mark Furman's a terrible racist!
number 4. Because of Simpson's money, the playing field's level
let's send a message, to the white devil
number 3. Goldman's dad won't get justice, because O.J. has cash
So don't pity the man, with the world's worst mustache
number 2. Please have no guilt, not even a fraction
white man did it to us, this is affirmative action!
And... the number one slogan almost used by Johnnie Cochran is...
5 words...
Facts are for Uncle Toms!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did Mike Tyson say to the O.J. jury?
A: Where were you when I needed you?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If O.J. remarries, I hope he doesn't get confused and cuts the bride and
kisses the cake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lizzy Borden had an axe O.J. Simpson had a knife
Gave her mother 40 whacks Killed Ron Goldman then his wife
When she saw what she had done When he saw what he had done
She gave her father 41 Got in his Bronco and tried to run
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you heard about the new O.J. Workout Video which is due to hit the
store shelves soon? Yeah, that's right, a new workout video, with a
whole new, three-step exercise regimen:
1. You slash.
2. You dash.
3. You walk.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did Mike Tyson say when he heard O.J. was acquitted?
A: I should have killed the bitch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Jury is back, there's good news and bad news.
The bad news is O.J. was found not guilty.
The good news is that Susan Smith is driving him home.
(S. Smith was the woman that drowned her kids last year.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What did O.J. ask after acquittal?
A: To be moved to Arkansas.
Why?
Because he heard that everyone has the same DNA there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The night of the Goldman-Brown murders Jason asked O.J. if he could use
the Bronco to which O.J. replied, "Better go axe your mom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New software book:
Creative Hacking by O.J. Simpson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: How do you get an electric chair to work?
A: Give it the Juice!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We went into a costume shop to get Halloween supplies. My son picked up a
large rubber knife. He held it in his hand and admired it. He then walked
up to the clerk and asked if they had any O.J. masks!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they are tring to drag John Elway into the O.J. Simpson
trial?
Yeah, I keep hearing about a *slow White Bronco*!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Q) What would you get if Joe Montana killed 3 people?
(A) A NEW NFL RECORD!!!!!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is O.J. Simpson's internet address?
slash slash back slash escape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that Disney have got the rights to make the O.J. life story?
They`re calling it "The Lyin' Coon"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O.J. has changed his name due to all the bad publicity he has gotten.
His new name is Scott Free!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today's special: Simpson Alibi Sandwiches $4.25
Full of bologna, hard to swallow, but lots of people are buying it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Buffalobillshillbilly
(sung to the toon of The Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Juice
A poor ghetto kid, barely stayed out on the loose
'n then one night while running from the fuzz
He found he could do what a quarterback does
Run, that is.
Fast.
Like a devildog from Hell.
Well the first thing you know O.J.'s a millionaire
His kin folks said "Juice, gits you otta der"
They said "Californy's the place you gots to land"
So he loaded up the plane and he moved to Rockingham
Estate, that is.
White neighbors.
Like licorice at the North Pole.
It wasn't much longer and O.J. got a girl
Something like a clam who found he had a pearl
'n then one night back in 1989
He took her out back and he got her in line
Football sack, that is.
Wife beater.
Like a gorilla pickin on a bunny.
Pretty soon after that O.J. found himself alone
He got even madder when Paula wasn't home
So he put on some sweats and his Bruno Magli shoes
And he goes to Bundy till there's bubbling brews
Blood, that is.
Juglar.
Like coat day at the chinchillah farm.
Well the next thing you see is a cock 'n bull trial
With F.U. Bailey saying N words with a smile
And Mister Johnny Cockring preaching all the time
Riling up the jury with his kindergarden rhyme
If it doesn't fit, that is.
Acquit.
Nitwit.
Suddenly we see that a verdict has been found
And O.J.'s free to run all over town
All this reached in four hours, maybe three
By a jury with an IQ of less than 93
Combined, that is.
Dumb.
Couldn't tell DNA from PGA.
So now you heard the story of teh poisonous juice
A few years ago he would have got the noose
Some may call him smart but I think he's kind of slow
'cause he doesn't seem to see what everybody knows
Guilty, that is.
Lying coward.
Cant' find the killer? -- get a mirror.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Call: THC Freedom Online BBS +1 604 361 4549 22,000 Text Files Online!
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