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Voodoo for Windows
MICROSOFT Announces Voodoo for Windows PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI (AP)
Redmond, WA computer giant MICROSOFT Corp. today announced the release of their
latest product, Voodoo for Windows 1.0. This is the company's first new
offering from its Religious Software Division, which was formed when MICROSOFT
acquired the Roman Catholic Church in December of 1994. The program, which has
a suggested retail price of $49.95 US, will help aspiring witch doctors perfect
their craft faster while allowing experienced shamans to work more efficiently.
The package includes the latest version of SPELLcheck (TM) which MICROSOFT has
licensed from Bewitched Software of Salem, MA.
Features include the ability to write, compile, and cast spells in a variety of
languages, including MICROSOFT's Voodoo Basic; as well as the "Spellbinder"
utility which helps uses schedule the casting of spells by linking them to
important events like the phases of the moon. Industry reaction was generally
positive, however one analyst who asked to remain anonymous said: "This is
going to be a big pain for them to support - I mean, when they tell people they
can help with spell-casting syntax, but they won't write spells for their
customers, who do you think that customer is going to zap first when they get
their spell working?" Microsoft claims they have addressed this issue by
including a clause in the license agreement that prohibits users from casting
spells on MICROSOFT employees, corporate entities, or inanimate objects such as
MICROSOFT user manuals and floppy
disks. Although this is widely seen as unenforceable, it is believed
that MICROSOFT has incorporated program code into the application
which prevents spells from boomeranging against any other MICROSOFT application
or operating system. MICROSOFT refused to confirm or deny whether the same
protection was extended to software published by other companies, Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates said: "We felt it was important to
prevent the Religious Software Division from being percieved as stagnant and
dogmatically wedded to one product. This move diversifies our offerings in this
market and helps us redefine it." Gates also indicated that if Voodoo was
successful, it could signal MICROSOFT's emergence as a full-scale player in the
new-age software market. It is believed that MICROSOFT will
soon announce UFO Simulator as a companion to its wildly popular Flight
Simulator and Space Simulator software packages. In addition, an upcoming beta
release of MICROSOFT's next-generation operating system, Windows 95, is
expected to add full support for ESP, to go along with TCP/IP, IPX/SPX, and
XNS.
Religious Software Division Senior VP, Pope John Paul II, was
unavailable for commennt.
... Most dangerous woman in the world: Tonya Rodham Bobbit of
Borg.
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