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101 uses for a Dead Ferret!?
101 Uses for A Dead Ferret
(the rodent, not the Dave)
--------------------------
By Redline (AKA Netrunner on the Works. But that's just the way I am)
1. Useful for sopping up small spills
2. Keychains for the deranged
3. Bludgeon for warding off attackers
4. Self-insulating afterschool snack
5. Pocket warmer
6. Opener for those stubborn pop-tops and cans
7. Perpetual hand towel
8. Conversation piece (Impress dates!)
9. Use a block to keep your car from sliding down hills
10. A nice wide, soft-bristle paintbrush (oil-based only, please)
11. An intriguing tie
12. A plaything for The Deth Fahrvergnugen
13. Helpful in making imitation coonskin caps
14. Rustic coffin-liners
15. A nifty free prize to put in Cracker Jacks
16. The McRodent sandwich (Chomp.)
17. An imitation mustache (the facial hair club for men)
18. Earrings for masochists
19. Earmuffs
20. A handy change-holder
21. Golf club sock
22. Organic doorstop (pleases hippies)
23. Slice and use as coasters
24. Toy for boring children
25. The Ultimate PEZ Gun
26. Flatten and make into a tea cozy
27. A shoe tree
28. An alternative feather duster
29. Elbow pads for rural sk8 rats
30. Start a Rent-A-Roadkill franchise
31. Nature's toilet bowl brush
32. Fish food
33. Put in Cuisinart, shred for 2 minutes, serve with Triscuits
34. Let it dry and use as firestarter
35. Apply styling gel to fur and use as Brillo pad
36. A martyr for popular revolt
37. The Better Key Rock
38. Fill with butane and use as a trendy lighter
39. A cushion for see-saws (prevents "Playground Groin")
40. An original place to hide your drugs
41. A short-haired blackboard eraser
42. X-tra large pipe cleaner
43. An offshot of the old "banana in the tailpipe" trick
44. Surfboard wax applicator
45. Dynamite stick pouch
46. Fill with cement and use as a building material
47. A mohawk wig
48. Practice tool for amateur log-rollers
49. Pre-made "luncheon roll"
50. Put in the mailbox of unliked neighbors (fits through slots easily)
51. A maintenance-free pet
52. Make into a gooseneck lamp
53. Dog collar
54. Fertilizer
55. Makeup case
56. Rig it for radio control, and cruise it around the house
57. Bookmark
58. Hang from a brach as a bird feeder
59. Use as a crowbar (applicable only if rigor mortis has set in)
60. Shred and spread over a piping-hot pizza
61. Use teeth as guitar picks
62. String several together as an insulating Venetian blind
63. Extension cord
64. Slice thinly and deep-fry for a Ferret Fritter
65. Fill with ink and make into a fountain pen
66. Wear as slippers
67. Get several, and create Frankenferret
68. Window polisher
69. Eyebrow replacements
70. Flatten one end and use as a flyswatter
71. Insulated beverage container
72. Reusable toothpaste tube
73. Winter coat liner
74. Watch band
75. Send it to George Bush as a peace offering
76. Sell it as modern art
77. Floor mop (the fur gets a bit ragged after a while)
78. Centerpiece for formal dinners
79. Make it the star of a Saturday-morning kids show (market cereal too)
80. A sex toy for the truly warped
81. Christmas stocking for annoying children
82. The new spiritual leader of an Eastern religion
83. A pencil case for the Man Who Has Everything
84. Flatten, freeze, and use as a cutting board
85. A candleholder for Elks lodges
86. Shave and use as a rolling pin
87. Dip in gasoline and use as a pipe bomb
88. Prophylactic for the wilderness type
89. Ask Kitty Kelly to write it's life story
90. Form a rap group called MC Ferret, and have it lip-sync
91. Cruller carrying case
92. Back massager (watch the teeth)
93. Twist, fry, and tell everyone it's a big pretzel
94. Beer can insulator (better than those pesky foam ones)
95. Jumper cables
96. Fill with "creme" and give Twinkies some competition
97. Pogo stick for midgets
98. Stuff tail in mouth, and use as WaterWings
99. Smurf-holder
100. A lobster buoy
101. Make it a sysop
Thanks to:
The Works (617-861-8976) for spiritual guidance and higher inspiration
My first period French class, for giving me time to think about long, furry
animals.
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