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Adventure Dog (Dave Barry)
Heeeeeeeeere's Adventure Dog!!
by Dave Barry
I have this idea for a new television series. It would be a realistic action
show, patterned after the true-life experiences of my dog, Earnest. The name
of the show would be: Adventure Dog.
The theme song would go:
Adventure dog,
Adventure dooooooooooggggg
Kinda big, kinda strong
Stupid as a log.
Each episode would be about an exciting true adventure that happened to
Earnest. For example, here's the script for an episode entitled: "Adventure
Dog Wakes Up and Goes Outside."
It's 6:17 a.m. Adventure Dog is sleeping in the hall. Suddenly, she
hears a sound. Her head snaps up. Somebody is up! Time to swing
into action! Adventure Dog races down the hall and skidding on all
four paws, turns into the bathroom, where, to her total shock, she
finds: The Master!! Whom she has not seen since LAST NIGHT!!
YAYYYYYYY!!!!!
Adventure Dog: Bark!!
Master: DOWN, dammit!!
Now Adventure Dog bounds to the front door, in case the Master is
going to take her outside. It is a slim chance. He has only taken
her outside for the past 2,637 consecutive mornings. But just in
case, Adventure Dog is ready.
Adventure Dog: Bark!!
Can it be? Yes! This is unbelievable! The Master is coming to the door!
Looks like Adventure Dog is going outside! YAAAAYYYY!!
Master: DOWN, dammit!
Now the Master has opened the door approximately one inch. Adventure
Dog realizes that, at this rate, it may take the Master a full
three-tenths of a second to open the door all the way. This is bad.
He needs help. Adventure Dog puts her nose in the crack and applies
600,000 pounds of force to the door.
Master: HEY!!
Door: WHAM!!
And now Adventure Dog is through the door, looking left, looking
right, her finely honed senses absorbing every detail of the
environment, every nuance and subtlety, looking for....Holy Smoke!
There it is! The YARD! Right in the exact same place where it was
yesterday! This is turning out to be an UNBELIEVABLE adventure!
Adventure Dog: Bark!
Adventure Dog is vaguely troubled. Some primitive version of a
thought is rattling around inside her tiny cranium, like a BB in a
tuna-fish can. For she senses that there is some reason why the
Master has let her outside. There is something he wants Adventure Dog
to do. But what on Earth could it be? Before Adventure Dog can think
of an answer, she detects...is this possible? Yes! It's a SMELL!
Yikes! Full Red Alert!
Adventure Dog: Sniff sniff sniff.
Master: Come on, Earnest!
Adventure Dog: Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff.
Master: Will you hurry up!
Adventure Dog: Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff.
No question about it. The evidence is clear. This is a smell, all
right. And what's more, it's the smell of - this is so incredible -
DOG WEEWEE!! Right here in the yard!
Master: EARNEST!!
Adventure Dog: Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff.
Adventure Dog is getting the germ of an idea. At first it seems
farfetched but the more she thinks about it, the more she thinks, hey,
why not? The idea - get ready - Adventure Dog is going to MAKE
WEEWEE!! Right now! Outside! It's crazy, but it just might work!
Master: Good GIRL.
What was that? It was a sound! A sound coming from....over there. Yes! No
question about it! This is unbelievable! It's the MASTER, out here in the
yard! YAAAAYYYY!
Master: DOWN, dammit!
Theme Song Singer: Adventure Dog, Adventure Doooooooooooooggggggggg...
Adventure Dog: BARK!
Master: DOWN!
Bear in mind that this is only one episode. There are many other
possibilities: "Adventure Dog Gets Fed"; "Adventure Dog Goes For a
Ride in the Car and Sees Another Dog and Barks Real Loud for the Next
116 Miles"; etc. It would be the kind of family-oriented show your
kids could watch, because there would be extremely little sex, thanks
to an earlier episode, "Adventure Dog Has An Operation."
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