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Critters: Rewritten II \ The Hatchlings by: Davi
Critters: Rewritten II \ The Hatchlings
Written 11-21-92 by: David Minter
Based on the movie Critters and material from Critters:
Rewritten \ The Setup.
This is the story of Critters: Rewritten II \ The
Hatchlings. You might try reading along with me in your
book if you had half a brain, but in your case, I wouldn't
recommend it. But, if you insist on trying, when you hear
the sound of the spaceship blasting off into hyper-space
at a speed beyond human comprehension, VAWOOMSH!, you
would know it was time to turn the page. Remember, when
you hear this sound... VAWOOMSH! ...turn the page.
Love! Lust! Greed! Sex! Passion! Power! Those
are the qualities that were lacking in Critters:
Rewritten. Except for lust, but that was on your part
only. You think we don't know what went through your mind
about the Penthouse models? Ha! We know everything and
we know nothing! And sex will come later in this story.
We promise, so stay tuned, perverts! VAWOOMSH!
Okay, let's recap. The Peltzers refortified their
house into a strongholdish castle just in time before (
broke the Mogwai story to the National Inquirer, albeit
reluctantly. Forced to flee from the angry
Fankensteinesque mob that the population of Kingston Falls
had become, the Peltzers' rocket crashed in the town of
Grover's Bend, which we forgot to mention last time. Now
that we know the name of the town were the Peltzers now
live ( through a hostile take-over of a farm from a
dirt-poor indentured servant named Charlie ), we can
continue. VAWOOMSH!
Billy stared at the two large, green eggs. They were
covered in places by red scales and were not poodle-shaped
in any way. He was worried for a moment, until he
remembered rule seventeen about the Mogwai. Mogwai ( Is
the plural Mogwaii? ) reproduced by fire, not eggs. Billy
breathed out a sigh of relief that knocked his mother
right off of her feet. There were two things that Mrs.
Peltzer wished her son would do. First, move away and
leave them along. Second, take better care of his
personal hygiene. "Just place them in the hayloft until
we can think of a suitable dinner for them," Mrs. Peltzer
told Billy, lying stiff as a board from Billy's breath.
She was perfectly parallel to the rocky ground that she
was lying on. VAWOOMSH!
Billy grudgingly stepped into the barn, heading for
the hayloft. He gathered up some hay and a sturdy box,
the one he had placed the other Mogwai that later turned
into Gremlins. It had accidentally been left in the
rocket in the top tower of their castle. Fashioning a
make-shift nest, Billy placed the eggs in it for safe
keeping. He was about to sit on them like a mother hen,
when the fluffy clouds outside the window caught his
meager attention. Fascinated by the concept of these
strange cottony balls, his tiny little mind wondered.
VAWOOMSH!
Kate, Billy's girlfriend back in Kingston Falls, had
occupied much of his free time. He missed her, but he
missed sex with her and abusing her more. The sun assumed
the shape of Kate's face. The nice clouds became Kate's
breasts. Billy continued to stare right into the sun,
thinking he was admiring his betrothed. His eyesight was
never the same after that, although severe physical
therapy helped Billy regain 96 percent of his sight.
Rand's voice broke the monotony. "BILLY! DINNER!" Billy
turned around to face the source of the sound that invaded
his mind. He hadn't at first noticed it. In fact, he
didn't interpret the message until twenty minutes after
supper was placed on the table. VAWOOMSH!
Grover's Bend was not an easily accessible town. The
town with the nearest place to stockpile provisions was
seven miles away. Taking this into consideration, you can
see how difficult it would be to get a good stash of
corned beef. That was why the Peltzers had, for the past
three years, been eating Mentos as the staple of their
diet. Billy, partly blind, groped around the kitchen
table-top, searching for the large porcelain bowl that
held their nightly breath mints. He took a large handful
and stuffed them in his ears. "Say, Billy. Your mother
tells me that you found some strange eggs this morning.
That gave me a good idea for a new invention. Imagine
this; a machine that scrambles an egg INSIDE its own
shell!" Billy tried to turn towards the sound of his
father, but all he could see were those flashing yellow
spots that appear before your eyes after a camera's
flashbulb goes off. "Yeah," Billy said to the pot-belly
stove. "I made a nice, little nest to house them until we
can eat them." "Are you sure they're safe? Maybe they
have something to do with the mysterious destruction of
our chicken shed or the disappearance of Charlie." "Well,
they're sure a hell of a lot better than these damn Mentos
( Menti? ) every damn night!" Billy said as he groped
around to find the bowl again, grabbed another hand full
of Mentos, and hurled them across the room. He then
picked up the bowl and hurled it through a nearby window.
Billy went up to his room, bumping into various obstacles
along the way. VAWOOMSH!
Seven miles away from Grover's Bend lies the town of
Innesfree. The people of Innesfree are a happy-go-lucky
sort of folk. They normally welcome any and all travelers
into their town, except the Peltzers obviously. But, its
economy sucks, so they're more than willing to put with
people like the Peltzers. As they normally do, they
welcomed the strange traveling woman into their town. She
was a singer, a bard if you will. And since she is a
woman, you can equally use the word minstrel. The town's
mayor ( Actually, he was its Burgomeister. ) was the first
to greet her. "Hello, wandering stray! How be's ye?"
"Welcome, kind stranger! It was hap lucky for I that I
came into your village. It's a might evil out there
tonight. I require food and lodging for the night and
information. Can ye be supplying me my wants?" "Aye! We
can! You can stay at my place tonight, and we shall trade
stories of our travels from all over the world, shan't
we?" "I believe we shan't. I just need food, sleep, and
directions. I don't need your pointless babbling!"
VAWOOMSH!
The mayor was more than a little miffed by this. He
decided to give this poor soul what she needed and send
her on her way. After an adequate meal ( The mayor now
held a grudge against her. ), she asked for the direction
she wanted. "I'm looking for this man. Have you by
chance seen he?" She held up the faded photograph of the
man she loved. The mayor took one look at it, froze in
fear, and then wet his pants. He pointed a shaky finger
at the photo. "THE EVIL ONES!" he shouted. "I canna see
what ye need be doin' goin' there, but you see that road
over there?" He pointed to the road just behind his
house. "Yes," the perturbed stranger replied. "Well,
take it! It'll do ye some good! Walk along there for
aboot seven miles until ye come to East Adam Court. Go to
the first house on your left, and take the road right
behind ye. But be warned, if ye wishes to see the Evil
Ones, you might not be a'comin' back! That is all.
Message ends." He promptly fell asleep. The stranger
took her leave, leaving the door to the mayor's cabin wide
open. A pack of starving wolves, immediately seeing their
chance, raced through the open door and devoured the
mayor, his family, and his mistress. VAWOOMSH!
Billy had by now banged his way into bed. He was
trying to sleep comfortably, but it did him no good. All
he could see was a giant Rand I standing over the burning
wreckage of a YMCA gymnasium. He was having that same
nightmare again. Rand I's face was replaced by that of
his mother. The head then broke free of its body's
shoulders and rolled over a small town, crushing all of
its inhabitants to death. All the while, a canned ham
with a label that read "Ed McMahon" was singing Vive la
Companie. Billy awoke sharply as he always did at that
point. As usual, he wiped the sweat from his face, went
over to the small bucket near the window, poured his sweat
into it ( This was one reason why he always stank so much.
), picked up the bucket, drank its contents, ran
downstairs into his parents' bedroom ( at the point during
which they were usually making love ), and spat out his
sweat into his father's face. ( You were wondering when
the sex part would come again, eh? ) Then, as if nothing
had happened, Billy went back upstairs, banging against
various pieces of the decor, and went right back to sleep.
The sweat would knock Rand out almost immediately after he
had discovered that it had happened again, and he would
fall asleep yet again on top of Mrs. Peltzer. Mrs.
Peltzer would sleep uncomfortably again that night, as
would Billy. It seemed that only Rand could get a good
night's sleep, and he really doesn't deserve to, does he?
Well, let's wait and see what'll happen to him, eh?
VAWOOMSH!
The traveler finally came to East Adam Court, after
thirteen hours and seven miles of hiking. East Adam Court
was a sparse place in terms of urban development. It only
had two houses in it. She walked up to the first house on
her left, as per the former mayor of Innesfree's
instructions. She turned around to face the road behind
her, but the road behind her was the one that she had
taken from Innesfree! "He deliberately led me astray!"
she cursed him. The road ended in this court, so maybe
her initial assessment of Innesfree's mayor was wrong. Her
true love just might be living here! But, why here of all
places? She had no time for such stupid questions. She
had a mission to accomplish. She must find her true
lover, and find him she shall! VAWOOMSH!
She walked up to the front door of the house and
noticed the nameplate on the door. It said, "Rockapella."
"Oh, the people who live her must have the last name of
Rockapella," she logically but incorrectly thought. She
pressed the doorbell. The door slowly swung open and a
single, solitary sentence greeted her. "The Loot!" The
door promptly shut. Confused, the traveler walked over to
the other house. Nailed to its door above a sign that
said, "Quarantined for Swine Flu," was a sign. It read,
"Gone Fishing and Out of Business. Have Moved Down the
Road Behind Ye." She turned around and was surprised to
see a road, just as the sign said. She must have missed
it before when she entered the court. She walked up to
the street sign and read it. "West Adam Court." She
blankly stared at it for about three seconds, and then
replied... "AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" she screamed as the
full horror of the realization dawned upon her. VAWOOMSH!
Billy couldn't sleep, even more difficult than usual
tonight. At least normally he would eventually drift off
to sleep ( usually about seven seconds before he had to
get up ). All he could think about was Kate. He so
desperately wanted to "see" ( as he put it ) her again. He
had thought about writing to her many times, but he
thought she might be angry with him over that
destruction-of-the-town thing, or had fallen out of love
with him, but really, he couldn't write. That is to say,
he could write; it's just that he didn't want to. He
closed his eyes and prayed for Kate, world peace, and to
find those large sacks of money that had mysteriously
appeared/disappeared from his old house. It still worried
him to this day. VAWOOMSH!
Reluctantly, the traveler finally came upon the
isolated house that the sign had earlier alluded to. She
cautiously rang the doorbell. A teary-eyed man greeted
her. She was somewhat surprised at the fact that it
seemed everyone in this area was awake at such
unreasonable hours of the night. "You might be wondering
what I am doing awake at such an unreasonable hour of the
night," Adam West began. "You see, I can't get any kind
of job anymore. ANY! Not a single one! So, I stay up
all night crying and feeling sorry for myself. It's all I
can afford to do! I can't even buy booze to drown my
sorrows. Will you please give me a job? Anything! I'll
do whatever you ask of me! Just give a crust of bread or
something! Please!" The stranger was contemplating
recommending a little pub called Dory's, but then a loud,
annoying rumble disturbed her train of thought. "Sorry,"
Adam West said, placing his hands to his stomach. "But I
haven't eaten in so long. The last decent meal I had was
when I put out my last pornography film from a little
house back there in East Adam Court," he said, pointing
down the road. "Wanna see me do the Batootsie?" "NO!"
she promptly put him down, but then she had an idea. "Have
you seen this person?" she asked, holding out the photo.
Adam stared at it for a moment and then a frown came
across his face. "All to well," he breathed out with a
consternated sigh. "Will you lead me to him?" "Will you
feed me? I am 64." he said with a wild-eyed look of
expectation on his face, his mouth salivating profusely.
"Okay. Here!" She threw a moldy orange down to the
ground. Adam cocked his head down, stared at the orange,
and dove right for it, eating it whole. "Well, m'lady,"
he began with a bow. "A deal's a deal. Follow me." Happy
music filled the air. ADAM WEST JOINED THE PARTY.
VAWOOMSH!
Billy, still extremely tired ( This morning, he had
had only 1.6 seconds of decent sleep. ), was surprised by
the sight that greeted him in the hayloft the next morning
when he went to check on the eggs. There, lying on the
hay in nothing but her underclothing was Kate! ( Oh, boy!
Here we go! I know some of you out there were just dying
for this! ) Billy was ecstatic, to say the least,
aroused. He hadn't seen Kate in so long, and to see her
like this, stunned him. ( And you thought only Rands got
stunned! ) He was in such a state of shock, that he
slowly entered a state of decomposition. He was so
surprised, that one of his eyeballs fell out. Billy
reached down and picked it up, but not before stepping on
it. Luckily, he was bare-footed, so all that happened to
the eye was that it got splinters in it. VAWOOMSH!
"You know what to do, Adam," Kate said. "Yeah. Yeah.
I know. Just like in that Young Lady What's-her-face
flick I did all those years ago! What do you think I am?
I'm an actor, not some concierge, damn it! Although I
must admit that orange was good. First decent meal I've
had in months." Adam did as he was told anyway. He
placed a cassette player down next to Kate and left her
and Billy to do the deed. VAWOOMSH!
Suffice it to say that Kate and Billy made elves, er,
love. So I won't go into the wet, messy details. But I'd
bet you'd like me to wouldn't you! Wouldn't you? Well,
even I have my taste and I think I'm perilously cross to
crossing that boundary beyond the point of no return. Some
of you might be wondering why Kate's here. Well, despite
the obvious, here's the rest of the story ( courtesy of
Paul Harvey ). "What are you doing here, Kate?" "Silly,
I came here to make-" "Not that! Surely there must be
some other reason." "Of course. Billy, I missed you. I
became so lonely in Kingston Falls." "Ah, I see.
Couldn't live without me, eh?" "No. I couldn't live
without ANYBODY. The majority of the people there are
dead!" "Ha! That'll teach 'em not to mess around with
the Peltzers!" "After you left in your tower rocket,
rather oddly I must say, I couldn't stand living without
you. Also, soon there wasn't anyone left, except Mister
Futterman, and who wants to talk with him all day long?
So, I began a trek across the United States, starting with
Guam, to try to find you. I had no idea where you went.
You left no forwarding address. Finally, I got my clue
from Innesfree, and, like any good RGP quester, I followed
it blindly. Finally, I met up with Adam West." "But,
Kate, Adam West? Why?" "He was the only one who knew
where you were. The mayor of Innesfree just led me
astray." "Oh, him. Just ignore him. He thinks we're
something called the Evil Ones. Personally, I think he's
had a little too much booze." "Personally, I want to do
it again!" "Oh, Kate. Must you get so pretentious!"
"Please, Billy. SHUT UP AND TURN THAT TAPE BACK ON!"
Billy, realizing that he could not win this conversation,
gave in and placed his hand on top of the tape player,
feeling around for the PLAY button because his eyes still
weren't up to par ( They never actually returned to
normal. ). He was more than a little surprised when a
spiky-haired creature reached over the top of it with his
mouth open! VAWOOMSH!
The strange little monster bit off two of Billy's
fingers! Kate screamed, then he screamed in pain and drew
his hand back, cradling the now gushing wound. He stared
at his hand, then back at the creature. It was smiling
gleefully. Billy reached out with his good hand and
picked up the thing. It still smiled back at him. With
his now injured hand, Billy forced his remaining fingers
between the creatures lips. Prying its mouth open, he
peered inside it, all the way down to its stomach. The
creature still continued to try to smile. With all his
might, Billy tore the upper jaw right off of the monster!
He turned the carcass upside down and shook his fingers
out of it. He dropped the thing and reached down to pick
up his digits. He screwed them back on to his damaged
hand. Although he regained some use of that hand, it was
never truly regained the use of that hand again. "Damn!"
Billy swore. "I hate when that happens!" VAWOOMSH!
Kate called for Adam West. West came hobbling up the
ladder, fighting off more of the strange phantasms. "What
are they?!" "I don't know! Batman, save us!" Batman! He
hadn't been called that ( except in a tone of contempt )
in so long. Too long! He had to something. After all, he
was . . . Batman! The one and only Batman! He would do
something. Suddenly and without warning, Adam did the
Batootsie for the now gathered crowd of little monsters.
Needless to say, they were confused. Billy, Kate, and
Adam used the time gained to make a break for the house.
VAWOOMSH!
Rand was the first one downstairs that morning. Mrs.
Peltzer was still recovering from having several pounds of
man lie on top of her overnight. Rand was slightly
surprised when Billy came rushing in the door. He had
expected to see Billy rush to the table from upstairs.
This didn't bother him as much as when the unexpected form
of Kate came dashing in behind him. As Rand tried to sort
it all out, he became irate when Adam West burst into the
room. "YOU!" "No time to re-kindle old wounds now! We've
got a war to wage!" "A war?" "Yeah, dad. The Gremlins
seem to have come back!" Adam slammed the door and threw
back the bolt. The assembled, frightened people creeped
over to a window, drew back the curtain, lifted up the
radiation shield, broke the hermetic seal, and peered
outside. The creatures looked like porcupines on their
hind legs. They had several large spines on their backs,
which at that moment came hurtling at them towards the
window! They threw themselves along the sides of the
window as the needles pierced the glass. VAWOOMSH!
"Those aren't Gremlins!" Rand said somewhat stating
the obvious. Rand turned to Billy. That was when he
discovered, for the first time that both Billy and Kate
were naked. Thankfully though, Adam was fully clothed.
Rand checked his attire just to be sure. It was still
there. "DUH!" Billy said, first as a means to show his
stupidity and them as a sarcastic remark to Rand. "Of
course they're not!" "But then what are they? Where did
they come?" "I have no explanation." But for us there
must be an explanation. You see, Billy and Kate decided
to fornicate ( Doo dah! Doo dah! ) next to the nest of
strange eggs. The heat from their bodies during their
noisy bout of love making was sufficient enough to hatch
the eggs. And, if you haven't inferred it by now, those
eggs were Critter eggs! The new Critters then laid more
eggs to be hatched while the getting was good. VAWOOMSH!
"Well, whatever they are, we're gonna have to set up
some kind of defensive position!" Rand fantasized. This
was a battle, and deep inside his mind, Rand lived for
battles. He was a major Vietnam war supporter,
instigator, and fan. Rand handed Adam West a flare gun.
"Go to the upstairs window and fire off an emergency
flare!" "Right! You can count on me!" "No, I can't!
But, I think I can count on . . . Batman!" There it was
again. That cursed name! "I'll show you!" Adam shouted.
"I'll prove to you that Adam West IS a person and not just
a costumed madman!" He ran over to the wall socket,
removed the long extension cord from it, and went to the
window. Throwing it open, Adam drew back the extension
cord like Indiana Jones with his whip and struck a nearby
Critter dead! Next, he twirled the cord around and tossed
the heavy end into the air. It wrapped around the
drainpipe like the Batrope. He carefully crawled out,
deftly dodging Critter quills, and started climbing up the
side of the house just as he did in the Batman series.
When he reached the roof, he held out the flare gun away
from his body while holding onto the cord with the other.
He popped off a shot, climbed onto the rooftop, spun the
cord over his head using it like a propeller blade, and
hovered back in through the lower stairs window like a
helicopter. "See!" Adam gloated to Rand. " I AM
SOMEBODY!" "Sorry. I wasn't watching. Did you get the
flare off?" Angrily, Adam ran over to Rand and began
choking him out with the cord. VAWOOMSH!
"I AM SOMEBODY! I AM SOMEBODY, DO YOU HEAR ME?!"
"Billy! ACK!" Rand choked. "Go uhpstairs and aWAKE yor
muh-huh-thhhhherh!" "There's no need to!" Mrs. Peltzer
shouted as she reached the foot of the stairs. "How can a
crushed being sleep with all this noise?" By now, the
Critters had rolled up into little balls and were
repeatedly banging themselves into the house. Upon seeing
Mrs. Peltzer, Adam, who had always admired her from afar,
let Rand go. "Billy! You'll catch your death of cold
running around like that! Kate? What are you doing
here?" "Procreating." "No time for that now, my dear
lovely Mrs. Peltzer," Adam cooed lovingly at her, stroking
the age lines under her chins. "You know what we really
could use right now?" "What, Dad?" "A self-eating
burrito. Yes! A self-eating burrito. Just one of a long
line of self-eating foods. How much would expect to pay
for it? But you also get the Zamfir collection-" "Dear,
this is no time for a commercial plug." "Although, I can
use all the publicity I can get." "Don't talk to the
reader, Adam." "You know what?" All remained silent
listening to Billy, hoping he might have a way out of
this. "WELL?!" they shouted after about three minutes of
silence, except for the sound of mad Critters trying to
force their way in. "I was just thinking that in a
situation like this, we really could use some help from
Jocko." VAWOOMSH!
Far away, seven miles to be exact, the newly elected
mayor of Innesfree was watching the skies. He had
received the task that his predecessor was supposed to
keep alive that had been passed down in his family from
generation to generation. "Where the sky burns bright at
a single point, the end of the world is ripe for the Evil
Ones." Suddenly, a zenith of fire appeared in the western
sky. "The point of flame! THE EVIL ONES ARE ENGAGED IN
ARMAGEDDON!" The fire in question was, in reality, the
flare that Adam West had fired. However, this
superstitious fool had no idea of that. Fearing
Apocalypse, he removed all his clothes and ran through the
streets, shouting, "THE END IS NIGH! REPENT OF YOUR
SINS, OR BURN FOREVER!" This continued for roughly eleven
minutes, until he was gunned down by left-wing militants.
VAWOOMSH!
"Here you two! Put these on." Mrs. Peltzer handed
Billy a clown costume ( Billy the Stinking Clown? Hmmm. )
and Kate a Hungry Hungry Hippos game. Billy had no
trouble covering his intimates, but Kate finally managed
to cover up the most disreputable parts with her game. So,
all of you who were staying around for the cheap sex,
well, you can leave right now! "Behind here! Now!" Rand
motioned over to his wife, Billy, and Kate from behind the
table that he and Adam had overturned for a shield. He
clutched at his Samurai sword. "Get something, anything,
to use as a weapon!" "Fight? WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
FIGHT!?" Adam shrieked. "But, I can't fight! They were
all staged! I'm too old and too much of a failure to
fight!" "Then, pipe down, fool!" Rand delivered a strong
uppercut to the chins of Adam West. A large POW
materialized out of thin air where Rand's fist had struck
Adam's face. Adam fell. "I'VE FINALLY FOUND A NEW
PRODUCT TO PLUG!" Adam nearly burst with joy. "I've
fallen and I can't get up!" KEERASH went the front door
as it collapsed from the sheer weight of the Critter
horde, and to the fact that they been repeatedly beating
on it for the past four minutes. "GET READY!" Rand
bellowed, raising his sword in fury. "This is going to be
fun!"
This is the end of Critters: Rewritten II \ The
Hatchlings. If you're just hanging around leeching off of
the story to get some cheap thrills/titillation, then we
don't want your kind here! When you read Critters:
Rewritten III \ Escape from the Critters, you'll be
disappointed that you won't find any Penthouse jokes.
Well, at least no sex jokes.
Critters: Rewritten II \ The Hatchlings @1992 by David
Minter from the movie Critters @ 1986 New Line Cinema,
material from Critters: Rewritten \ The Setup @1992 by
David Minter, and the concept of the Book and Record set
@1984 Buena Vista Records.
Critters created by Chiodo Brothers Inc.
Critters @ 1986, 1988, 1991, 1992 by New Line Cinema.
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