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Gremlins 2: Rewritten IV \ No More Mister Nice Gu
Gremlins 2: Rewritten IV \ No More Mister Nice Guy
Written 1-13-93 by: David Minter
Based on the movie Gremlins 2 @1990 by Warner Brothers
Pictures Incorporated, the concept of the Book and Record
Set @1984 by Buena Vista Records, and material from
Gremlins 2: Rewritten \ Movin' On Up to the East Side
@1992 by David Minter, Gremlins 2: Rewritten II \ The
Legacy of Billy Peltzer @1992 by David Minter, and
Gremlins 2: Rewritten III \ Here They Grow Again @1993 by
David Minter.
Hi everybody. Duke... here... again. It's time to see
the practical joke that Zap Job played on Snowwwwww. It's
time for Gremlins 2: Rewritten IV \ No More Mister Nice
Guy. You can read along with me in your book. You'll
know it's time to turn the page when you hear the Road
Runner beep like this BEEP! BEEP! Let's begin... now.
Remember to turn the page every time you hear the Road
Runner. BEEP! BEEP!
Kate jumped to her feet and stared at the panoramic
display of her lover and the things she loved to loathe.
As per her usual response to jeopardy, she clenched her
fists and shouted, "Don't worry, little Billy. I'LL SAVE
YOU!" She turned and pointed to the left wall of her
apartment. "Let loose the marmosets!" Suddenly, she
began dashing straight at the wall, smashing right through
the plaster! She floated there in space, seven stories up
( which was where her apartment was ), and then, as the
laws of physics must state, began to plummet. She landed
feet first, shooting them up into her torso and reducing
her height by a few inches. She did this a lot, so her
body would soon regain its original composure. BEEP!
BEEP!
Billy screamed into the camera as a Gremlin hopped
onto his shoulder and bit right through the material of
his new acid proof jacket. The sudden rush of pain and
blood left a lasting and immediate impression on his mind.
Anger filled his heart; revenge flooded over his soul. He
knew that he had but one purpose in life. Billy Peltzer
must defeat the Gremlins! Of course, he was wrong, but it
was a vendetta that would occupy his interests for now.
BEEP! BEEP!
Ignoring the flow of blood from his shoulder, he
brought his hand up to the Gremlin's face, and poked its
eyes out! With his fingers still in the creature's eye
sockets, Billy hurled the monster across the room and into
a stage lamp, creating a series of sights and sounds not
unlike those generated by kicking a football into a stage
lamp. He spun around and another Gremlin blocked his
path. "YOU!" he shouted with an expression on his face
that would have made the jugular of any normal man pulse
with consternation. Pointing at the demon, Billy
continued, "You have dared to deface the sacred coconut!
You must pay the ultimate penalty!" He fished a pen from
his inner coat pocket, removed the cap, and stared
intently at the shiny point which, for some odd reason,
captivated Billy tremendously. He would never admit it,
but he was always fascinated by small, sharp, shiny
objects. Glowering back at the Gremlin, he retorted, "You
know, it's said that the pen is mightier than the
sword..." Without warning, Billy thrust the pen into the
Gremlin's chest, rupturing its heart. "... and that
people who live in glass jukeboxes shouldn't carve their
initials in them with either stones or knives!"
Spluttering blood and gasping for air, the Gremlin sunk to
the floor. BEEP! BEEP!
Billy still stabbed away at the creature for good
luck. Looking around, he noticed that the other creatures
had left the studio. Realizing his chance, Billy shouted,
"FIGS! I must have figs!" That was when he saw that the
cameras were still rolling. A look of startled horror
crossed his countenance as he thought about the
implications of his recent course of action. Feeling that
the viewing audience might take his display of violence in
the wrong manner, Billy smiled broadly into the camera.
Out of the corner of his mouth, he whispered, "Go to a
commercial. Go to a test pattern! GO TO ANYTHING!" "But,
Mister Peltzer," came a voice from the control booth.
"We're in a live feed. It took us minutes to illegally
access that Turner satellite." Billy continued to smile.
"It's all part of the plot, folks." Hopefully, that would
assure the audience. It didn't work. "Besides, that
outburst raised Sci-Fi Hi's rating 8 WHOLE points!" "Wow!
Eight points. Hmmmmm. Ok." Billy motioned to the camera
man. "Cameraman. ZOOOOOOOOOOOOM! Leave the camera on a
tight shot of those Gremlin corpses. If they still
continue to garner the same ratings, we might just have a
new idea for a regular series. But right now, I've got
another job to do!" With the classic chase music
emanating from the control booth, Billy rushed out of the
studio and down the stairs. BEEP! BEEP!
As Billy was battling monsters in a television studio
of the largest corporation in the continental United
States, not very far away another individual was trying to
defeat his own brand of demons. The old, Chinese man
cradled the head of his dying grandson. "To think, you
shall never live to see your head become separated from
your shoulders... and live to tell the tale." Every Quan
since his grandfather, the one that REALLY invented the
light bulb, anxiously awaited puberty. It was at that
time that a Quan was truly an adult. His head was now
capable of rolling around as its owner pleased. But, his
grandson would never see that glorious day in a Quan's
life. Those husky bouncers had done a serious number on
him. The old, Chinese man's extraordinary head had saved
him, but it could do nothing for his now broken grandson.
He looked up at the wrecking ball demolishing his colorful
curio shop. His eyes filled with tears. "My shop would
have some day been yours, Grasshopper. Now it lies as but
a broken pipe-dream at my feet." BEEP! BEEP!
He kissed Grasshopper's forehead. In his mind, (
could see the pen signing the order to condemn his
business. If only he could see who signed it. "By all
that is holy and all that isn't, I swear your death shall
be avenged, Grasshopper. Bet on it!" With a lack luster
groan, the life slipped from the boy's body and thus, the
line of Quan died. The old, Chinese man cried out loudly
into the night; it was so loud that it downed a passing
airplane. Both his sister and his grandson, the last
surviving Quans other himself, were dead. He was far too
old to copulate yet again. For some unknown reason, he
began to curse the Peltzers. That fat slob who had stolen
his Mogwai had corrupted his grandson with greed. And of
course, Billy would some day unleash the horrible evil
upon the world. Somehow, some way, Billy Peltzer had to
be involved with this. He knew Rand I was dead. And Mrs.
Peltzer had been so terribly kind that night when he came
to Kingston Falls. He didn't suspect her one bit, and
rightfully so. But, for the actions of one, all must
suffer. The Peltzer family name must die like his own has
this day. BEEP! BEEP!
After the demolition crew had left and for several
hours after that, ( sadly stumbled through the wreckage
that had been his place of business as well as his home.
He wouldn't have to worry about the health inspector
discovering the latter now! The world became a bleary
haze as tears rolled down his face. His ancestral home
was gone, his grandson was dead, and now a sharp pain was
rapidly working its way from the heel of his foot and up
his leg. "What the hell?!" He lifted his foot and
noticed a knife stuck in it. He removed the knife and saw
that it was no ordinary blade. He began to cry harder.
"This was the throwing knife that my grandson stabbed me
with several times in the chest when he was losing at
chess. He thought it was funny. I must admit, I did too.
To think, I shall never humiliate him at chess again!"
Placing his hand under his kimono, ( felt the scar left by
his grandson's most recent assault. He fell to his knees
and buried his head in his hands. Actually, his head
separated itself from his shoulders and buried itself in
his waiting hands. He weeped all through the rest of this
and the next story. BEEP! BEEP!
Billy was dashing his way down a long staircase, just
barely eight steps ahead of a mad, salivating wave of
Gremlins rushing down the stairs after him. He finally
came to the end of the line, a dead end! Before him was
the cast-iron door to the boiler room downstairs, just a
few feet above the underground research and development
complex. He ran into the room and put all his remaining
strength into trying to shut that heavy metal door. The
Gremlins bashed into the door and jarred it back slightly.
Clawed arms, legs, and a few tentacles began writhing
between the open doorway and the wall. Screeches of Ed
McManon giggling in horror filled the vast room. As he
struggled to close the few remaining inches in the gap
between the door and safety, he was reminded how all this
seemed so familiar. A boiler room, straining against a
rabid Gremlin horde to try and shut a door, only this time
he was trying to shut himself in instead of the other way
around, how, even though Kate was there, he had done 99
percent of the work; it had all been done before. With
the severing of a few Gremlin limbs, howls of pain from
now amputee Gremlins, and a reassuring CHINK from the
door, Billy finally secured the room. BEEP! BEEP!
Exhausted and painful beyond even what he felt during
his battle with Stripe, Billy walked over to a corner and
collapsed to the floor. Reclining his head back against
the wall, he fell asleep. Minutes later, he stirred from
his slumber. "What am I doing?! I've got a job to do."
Cautiously, he began inspecting the network of pipes
leading from the large boiler in the center of the room.
"What idiots!" Billy insulted the now non-existent
designers of the room. "Even in a movie theater in
Kingston Falls we had replaced boilers with nuclear
reactors!" Some odd jars on a musty shelf caught his
attention. Something about musty shelves and jars always
fascinated members of the Peltzer clan. He took one jar
after another down from the shelf and read aloud its
contents. "Pickled beets? Hitler's brain? What's all
this doing down here?" That was when he saw the sign. Not
only did it read "No shirt. No shoes. No habla Ingles,"
it read "WARNING! Hazardous by-products of the research
and development division of the New York branch of Chump
Towers, Incorporated. You don't even want to know why you
shouldn't touch these." Almost as carefully as he picked
them up, Billy put the jars back in their proper place and
slowly backed away, trying not to incur the wrath of their
contents. BEEP! BEEP!
Since he was so engrossed in keeping the jars in
constant view as he retreated, Billy was startled when his
elbow bumped into some metal something. He was perturbed
when the metal something began to scorch the material on
the elbow of his jacket. Billy quickly withdrew his arm
and rubbed the now sore portion. "DAMN! What is that
metal something?" Looking up at its magnificent presence
in much the same manner as the monkeys must have done to
the Monolith all those many millions of years ago, Billy
stared at the incinerator. It's deceptive warmth radiated
lovingly outward. He rubbed his hands across the heated
air just in front of the device. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" The
machine suddenly clinked. "Hmmmmmmmmmmmm." Inside the
working portions of the incinerator, the latch opened up
in the top of it. Billy cocked an ear in its direction
and listened carefully to the light thudding of garbage
dropping into the incinerator. The machine then shook
violently and exploded. BEEP! BEEP!
The force threw Billy across the room. He slammed
hard into the wall supporting the shelf holding the
various jars. Groggily, he looked up to see the deadly
jars teetering on the verge of collapsing onto the floor!
Quickly re-gaining his composure, Billy scrambled to catch
the now falling jars. Not a single one broke. Lucky for
the rest of us because some of the stuff in those jars is
particularly nasty. He ran over to the conveniently
located asbestos safe, secured the jars, and turned back
to face the incinerator. His eyes widened in horror as he
saw wave after wave of burning Mogwai pouring forth from
the now burning machine! Faster than the mind or buttocks
can comprehend, new Mogwai were springing from the
existing ones and hurling themselves into nearby fires
that were rapidly spreading across the room. Billy could
actually hear the springing BOING sound, much like the
Chargin' Chucks make when they divide in Super Mario
World, of the Mogwai reproducing. Billy, the one
entrusted with protecting the world from the fate of the
Gremlins, re-acted in a genuinely hero-like fashion... he
ran like hell. BEEP! BEEP!
Half way up the stairs leading to that heavy
cast-iron door, Billy paused and turned to watch the
rapidly growing terror. It was at times like these that
Billy wished that parents weren't so methodical in
throwing out secret caches of weapons found under their
son's beds. They will totally ignore dirty books like
Penthouse and Playboy, but guns...? By this time, the
Gremlins on the other side of the door had rallied around
the flag, boys, and were using their own bodies as
battering rams. The door finally gave way. Billy
screamed and ducked a torrent of Gremlins that flew over
his head like a surfer's most excellent wave, dude! They
dove head first right into the ever expanding mass of
Mogwai and flames. "Dear God or Rand I, whichever it may
be! I hope Kate gets here soon!" He ran back up the
staircase and bumped into Kate. BEEP! BEEP!
"Did I just hear you, you Billy Peltzer, ask for
further help?" "No time for sergeants or that now, Kate!"
he shouted, gratuitously slapping her. Turning her around
by the shoulders, Billy raced up the stairs with Kate in
tow. They stopped to rest about three floors up. "I
think we can rest, much like we did at the bank in
Kingston Falls, for a minute or two, Kate." "I don't hear
them coming, Billy." "They must have left to get some
corned beef for their new friends. By the way, pronoun
tags really piss me off, Kate!" He slapped her again.
"There's something different about you today. You seem
shorter or something. God! Have you been plummeting
earthward from our seventh story apartment again?!" Once
again, he struck her. "But, I really do need your help
now." He placed his hands on her shoulders ( Well, to be
absolutely correct, her shoulder pads. ) and stared
lovingly and deeply into her eyes. This really did
something for Kate. Maybe he didn't see her so much as a
sex object anymore. He had sincerely asked for her help.
On nationwide LIVE tv yet. She stared back into his eyes.
Things had changed. He LOVED her. She would have to tell
him about her love affair with Chuck. "Billy, I-" He
interrupted her by moving his hands to her blouse, tearing
it open, and ripping off her bra. Then, he slapped her
again for good measure. BEEP! BEEP!
"What was that for!?" Kate, her blouse hanging open
and her nude breasts hanging pertly out, shrieked. Billy
tore off one of the cups and fitted it as best as he could
over the wound in his shoulder, fashioning a makeshift
bandage. "Does that answer your senselessly emotional
outburst?" Billy, noticing for the first time Kate's bare
chest awaiting his approval, began to drool. Slowly, he
reached out his eager hands. The sudden cackle from a few
floors down brought him out of his aroused state. "C'mon!
I think they're on their way up here!" Grabbing Kate's
hand, he dashed up the stairs literally dragging Kate
behind him. BEEP! BEEP!
Another three floors up and Billy felt that they were
safe again for a few more precious minutes. Even then he
didn't feel safe enough to take a breather. After another
floor of running, Billy and Kate bumped into an old
friend. "Dad! I thought and wished you were dead!"
"Nope, Billy. I'm still alive and inventing. Now back to
the real business here. I've been keeping a glancing eye
on the plot while I was out. You've brought the Gremlins
back, eh?" "WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST ON BLAMING ME?!
Remember how much that old man kept bitching about how I
wasn't ready. Well, for once, my hands are clean." Billy
looked at his hands. "Except for the stained blood of
some Mogwai, but that's not important now." "Don't worry,
son. I'll put my gift of inventions to work for you and-"
He stopped short after turning to and seeing Kate and her
breasts. "Kate. I never noticed how... sexy you really
are!" "You mean after running around naked for four
entire stories last time you never noticed?" "Remember. I
was stunned for the majority of that time." "Dad! Will
you stop hitting on MY girlfriend, recapping the last
stories, and putting your stinking feet on the bread?
Thanks for that joke, Monty!" BEEP! BEEP!
"You know, Billy," Kate said, dragging her lover's
attention from the reader. "We really should get on with
running for our lives now, don't you think?" Billy ran on
ahead of them, totally surprising Kate and Rand. They
soon took the cue and followed on. After two more floors,
Billy stopped, leaned against a door to rest, and waited
for his companions to catch up. "Another three floors!
Time to rest. You know, there seems to be a connection
here between us and the number three." Kate and Rand,
gasping for breath, were too tired to deal with his
rantings for the moment. Suddenly, the door that Billy
was leaning against opened and a clawed hand reached out
for him and dragged him inside! The room that Billy found
himself in was darkened. Although he could not see, he
could feel the tiny Gremlin hands work their magic over
him. Also, he felt several points of pressure against his
chest. Then, the lights came on. Billy was momentarily
blinded, considering his bad eye, but soon the room turned
from a soft blur to a hard blur. He tried to look around,
but something held him firmly in place. Looking down,
Billy noticed he was strapped down in a dentist's chair!
BEEP! BEEP!
A few feet away, a scowling Gremlin stood, holding a
drill. Many thoughts rushed through Billy's mind, not the
least of which being he knew where he was. He was in
Doctor Ruth D'Kay's office in the medical wing of Chump
Towers. Sweat popped onto his forehead. He stared on in
fright as he heard the not so friendly sound of the drill
whirling around. "HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP ME!"
Outside, Rand and Kate didn't hear Billy's cry for help.
Well, if they did, they didn't heed it. "It's amazing you
survived with all those holes in your body!" "Isn't it
though? That's one reason why I wanted to see you, Kate.
Billy later told me, one of the last few things he ever
told me I might add, that he had inadvertently ( Yeah,
right! ) filled you full of bullets for several straight
minutes. Admiring your-" Rand looked for the correct
word. "-wonderful breasts," ( The word that he had been
searching carefully for was breasts. ) "I see you've
healed well. How did you do it?" "Well, I can't all of
the credit. In fact I can't take any of the credit.
There's this voodoo witch doctor in town that I highly
recommend-" "Kate?" Billy's voice came from the
dentist's office. "Rand, did you just hear something?"
"No. I-" "Dad?" Rand paused. "Hmmmmmm. Nope. I
didn't hear anything." BEEP! BEEP!
Back in the office, Billy could see that his father
and girlfriend either could not or would not be of any
help. Quickly he formulated a plan. The human mind works
at fantastic rates at times, especially when a dentist's
drill is slowly coming closer to your mouth. So, Billy
did the only logical, albeit highly improbable, thing he
could do in a position like this. He widely opened his
mouth. Confused, the Gremlin momentarily paused.
Absolutely astounded at the human's odd performance, he
shrugged his shoulders and continued to bring the driller
closer to Billy's teeth. Suddenly and rather idiotically,
Billy bit down on the drill. Clenching his teeth tightly,
he forced the drill to start spinning by the handle
instead of from the bit. Like a propeller or, more aptly,
the overhead Gremlin fan from Dory's Pub back in Kingston
Falls, the would be Gremlin dentist spun around Billy's
face and was soon thrown into a side wall. THE GREMLIN
WAS STUNNED! "RAND! KATE! YOU BASTARDS! GET WET, BENT,
AND IN HERE AND HELP ME!" The duo peeked around the door.
"Yes?" they asked in unison. "Oh, dear! Don't worry,
son. I'll save you!" Rand pulled out his samurai sword
from what looked like a kilt, and, with one swift well
timed slice, first shaved off Billy's sideburns and then
severed his fetters in twain. BEEP! BEEP!
Billy raced over to the Gremlin and pinned him to the
floor. Not that it would have really done that much good.
Ninety-eight percent of its vertebrae had been snapped.
Billy snatched up the drill and waved it evilly in the
creature's face. "SEE THIS? DO YOU SEE IT? HUH? DO
YOU? WELL, IF YOU DON'T, MAYBE YOU WILL NOW!" He thrust
the spinning drill into the Gremlin's left eye. Without
bothering to remove the drill, Billy then proceeded to
smash the Gremlin's remaining vertebrae by hand. Satisfied
with a job well done, Billy confronted Rand. "I'd never
thought I'd say this, but-" "Look, son. I don't want or
need your thanks. Just give me a job or just shut up."
Billy shut up. Kate walked in. "I thought I heard
something from in here. We'd better get out of here. I
heard some odd voices singing Vive la Companie coming up
the stairs!" "Well, up another three floors!" With a
renewed vigor, the trio of, I guess it could be best put
as, freedom fighters went on their quest. BEEP! BEEP!
Another three floors and another three minutes of
rest. "Hey, Billy!" Kate shouted, tired and annoyed.
"This isn't boxing! What's with these three minutes?" "If
you want, I could try to perform an experiment like I did
with 42 and the Gremlin tissue in the alternate Earth
reality." "And I can help," Rand finally threw in his
$9.79. "Uh, no thanks," Kate quickly answered. Suddenly
Billy's blood ran cold and then ran out. Shortly
reviving, Billy was told by Rand what had made him faint.
The Gremlins were getting a little faster. They were only
about one floor down! Billy scrambled to his feet. "I
sure could use Robocop's help right about now!" Suddenly,
one of the Mutant Modules from Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles bored through the floor and its door opened. Out
stepped the Toxic Avenger. "Will I do?" he asked.
"Anybody will. Because... there they are!" Like another,
entirely different hundred banshees, a combination of
Gremlins and Mogwai stormed over the top of the stairs.
BEEP! BEEP!
A furious battle unlike any ever seen before in a
corporation's medical wing was engaged. Billy, now
totally disregarding his vow to never use his ninja skills
again, entered the fray with fists flying and feet
kicking. Rand was using his conveniently located samurai
sword to its fullest. Kate tried her best to attack with
her claws, er- fingernails. Toxie swung his mop like a
madman. The Gremlins and Mogwai countered as best as they
could with their claws and teeth. Despite the humans
tactical advantage, the Gremlins/Mogwai were winning!
"Billy!" Toxie shouted as he shoved the handle of his mop
into a Mogwai's throat. "Were you running to any
particular place or just to save your own worthless hide?"
"Both!" Billy shouted back in recognition, slicing a
Gremlin's head from its shoulders with his bare hands. It
reminded him so much of the old, Chinese man. BEEP! BEEP!
"I need to go up another six floors to the private
elevator leading to my office." "You work here?" "Do I
work here?" Billy asked incredulously. "Toxie, I rule
here! I'm the vice president." "What do you need from
your office?" Toxie was about to ask another related
question, but a Mogwai got a hold of his throat. "I need
to get to my private line and call the fire department.
There's a fire brewing in the basement and these horrid
monsters breed by fire." "Really- AHCK!" Toxie asked as
he pulled a cigarette lighter from his tutu and ignited
the creature currently wrapped around his neck. All but
instantaneously, the Mogwai burnt to nothingness, but left
six others in its wake. "I see." "No, you don't. So
here's the rest of it all. I not only have to tell them
to put out the fire, I must warn them to block off the
exits. After they've consumed all the corned beef in the
building, their mutations will be complete. They'll want
to spread their own personal brand of havoc outward. We
can't allow the Gremlins to leave this building. If they
did, we could never find them all in as big a place as New
York City!" BEEP! BEEP!
"Corned beef?" "Yes. Just feed a Mogwai corned beef
after midnight and they turn into Gremlins." Toxie
reached into his tutu, pulled out a tin of corned beef,
opened it, and tossed a piece to a nearby Mogwai.
Greedily, the creature devoured the beef. Minutes later,
a large poodle had covered the furry animal. "See?"
Actually if truth be known, Toxie didn't see, but he
continued to fight. "We seem to be able to fend them off,
but we will tire soon. Is there any way to stop these...
things once and for all, Billy?" Billy fought down the
urge to slug the Toxic Avenger for his use of pronoun tags
and answered his rather silly question. "Radiation. It
totally destroys Gremlin tissue and, I assume, Mogwai
tissue as well." "Well, why didn't you say so? I'm
radioactive. Nuclear materials course through my blood.
You see, I had an accident with toxic chemicals that
turned me into a hideously deformed creature of superhuman
size and strength." He really hated to repeat that phrase
as many times as he has been forced to in his career.
"The chemicals came from a corporation called Hi-Tox Waste
Disposal. I say that for no reason whatsoever." Billy
cringed in horror. Hi-Tox was a subsidiary of Chump
Towers just as Buena Vista Records is a subsidiary of Walt
Disney ( See copyright credits at end of story. ) He felt
that that information was best kept to himself, at least
for the moment. BEEP! BEEP!
Toxie looked around his feet. Sure enough, Mogwai
and Gremlins alike were slowly dying from the angstroms of
deadly ( Deadly to Gremlins, that is. We all know that
any form of radiation used in these stories will only harm
Gremlins, no matter how potent it may be. ) power. Also,
a Mogwai was trying to bite its way through his foot. It
reminded him so much of Blobie. "You all go on ahead; get
to that phone." Heroically, he turned to face the now
somewhat apprehensive monsters. "I'll hold off these scum
and clean up the blood with my trusty mop." "Oh, Toxie,
there's no need for that. Just leave it to John Astin.
Wait, thankfully he's gone." "It's no trouble. My mop's
alive and I really have nothing to live for. My last two
films stank and my toys, cartoon, and comic books are all
dead. Don't argue with me, Billy Peltzer." The thought
hadn't crossed his mind. "Save the rest of the world. I
hope I don't get hurt!" With that, the Toxic Avenger was
lost in the crowd of green demons. Periodically, his mop
could be seen swinging away in a sort of epithet to this
once mighty hero. Billy ran on up the stairs, leaving
this once mighty hero to his now mighty fate. Rand and
Kate, seeing that they really had no other choice,
followed. BEEP! BEEP!
Billy had successfully trekked up another three
floors and was about to start on another set of three,
when the imposing form of Mister Futterman barred his way.
Billy had almost expected the old, Chinese man because of
the way Mister Futterman loomed before him. "Well, it
finally reaches the end of the line, Billy Peltzer. It
took me six years, but I finally tracked you down!" He
pointed an accusing, shaky finger at Billy. "You've
ruined my life, just as Rand I before you ruined many live
of other Kingston Fallites! My wife is dead due to your
popcorn crap. And I don't think Dick and Juan will ever
be the same again! But, all that will matter not when I
finally get you to pay for my transforming snow plow
Factoid. Do you realize the cash I could have swindled
the people of Kingston Falls out of?! A whole town
covered in snowy popcorn and me being the only snow plower
in the area; I could have been rich if not for you!" By
now, the accusing finger had become mainly shaky and
Mister Futterman's eyes were straining to break free of
their sockets. BEEP! BEEP!
Billy could see the deep trouble that he was in. Here
a mad Mister Futterman was all but ready to kill him; he
had no time for this. He had to save New York city and,
conversely, the world from the Gremlins. "Now, calm down.
I didn't do it. It was really Robocop." "Oh, yeah,"
Mister Futterman said sarcastically. "That's just like
you! Blaming your mishaps on the fine police squad of
Kingston Falls. They can n'er do wrong!" Right, thought
Billy. Police squad? Yeah, Police Squad. "If you will
just join my band of adventurers, you can avenge the death
of your Factoid. All I gotta do is reach the elevator
after the next three floors and we've got it made. The
Gremlins are in this building!" "Gremlins!" Mister
Futterman whispered. He turned to face the staircase.
Already, Rand and Kate were arriving, followed by a
screeching mass of Gremlins. "My dear God," Mister
Futterman prayed. "It's like World War II all over
again!" "Will you help, Mister Futterman. By the way,
Mister Futterman. What is your first name? It's getting
really tough on the author's fingers to have to type
Mister Futterman whenever your are mentioned." "Well, my
name is-" "NEVER MIND!" Billy interrupted. "I'm sure
it's just some character like a pound sign or something."
"Actually..." "I said, 'Never mind!' C'mon!" Billy
motioned the others to follow. Mister Futterman decided
that he had better tag along, just to see Billy get hurt
or worse. BEEP! BEEP!
Finally, after several floors of flight, Billy and
company reached the elevator in question. Hurriedly,
Billy pressed the button to call the elevator and
continued to press it as if it would actually make the car
speed up. Well, just this once, it did! Billy, Kate,
Rand, and Mister Futterman all piled into the car at the
same time, making for a somewhat difficult fit. Mister
Futterman had to sacrifice an arm in order for the
elevator door to close. Luckily, it was the arm that he
had lost most of the feeling in years ago. Rand addressed
Mister Futterman for the first time. "What are you doing
here? I was told I was going to take your place?" "Well,
things happen. I finally tracked down your son and I
intend to extract my revenge in some way. By the way,
Rand. A.) That was a nice tumble you took when that stick
hit your temple. B.) That rocket disguised as a tower was
a nice touch. I'm sure none of the people caught in its
retros were expecting it." "Actually I had to have it
installed. It was a stipulation in my insurance policy.
Only one free house per policy. All subsequent houses
filed must contain rockets in the shape of towers." "WOW!
I'd love an insurance company like that! Who is it?"
"Mutilated of Oklahoma in the Wild Kingdom. Address-"
"Will you two idiots stop that senseless prattle!?" Billy
interrupted. "We're almost there." BEEP! BEEP!
The elevator came to a halt and forcibly ejected its
passengers, without bothering to open the doors first. If
only it had been installed with one of those Real People
Personalities. Oh, well. We all can't have what we want.
Well, I can. But of course, I'm the writer. In fact, I
think I'll write myself on the sunny island of Trinidad.
Ahhhhhhh. Oh! Here come the naked Penthouse babes.
Excuse me. I must dash. I'll leave you to see the death
of Billy Peltzer. Oooops! I've given it away! BEEP!
BEEP!
Billy raced up to the door of his office. "I never
noticed it said that before!" Billy made reference to the
plaque on his door. It read, "Bully Peltzer. Vice
President of the New York branch of Chump Towers
Incorporated." Some of the words ran off the plaque and
onto the doorframe and wall. "Bully Peltzer? BULLY
PELTZER!" "Oh, never mind that now!" Kate scolded. Rand
shouted, "Open the damn door!" Billy did as he was told.
The door was at first locked, but he then extracted his
keys and opened the door, not necessarily in that order.
In fact, it would have to be in that order, wouldn't it.
Oh, well. Don't ask me! I'm too busy here in Trinidad to
explain it right now. Billy raced over to the phone on
his desk. Consulting his Rolodex for the appropriate
entry, Billy began thumbing through to try and find the
right number. "The C-O-C-O-N-U-T phone sex hot line. The
Volare hot line. Ah, here it is. The fire department of
New York City." Billy quickly punched in the number and
was immediately relived by the dial tone from the other
end. BEEP! BEEP!
"You've reached the fire department of New York
City," the recording began. "I know that," Billy angrily
answered back. "If you'd like to hear an Indian medicine
man put a cigar out on his nipple, press 1. If you'd like
to order our latest Firehouse Babes in Nothing but Water
calendar for '93, press 2. If you're Billy Peltzer and
you are being attacked by Gremlins, press 3. Otherwise,
hang up." Billy first pressed 1, enjoying the wonderful
screaming sound, and then pressed 3. The calm, recording
told him exactly what to do and in clear detail. "Look
outside." Billy pulled back the curtain and stared down
the side of the building through the hole in the window
that Rand had made when he was plummeting earthward. Sure
enough, fire trucks were already on the scene,
extinguishing the licks of fire leaping up from the
basement. "It's all right." "No it's not," Kate said
under her breath. Billy continued. "They've already
arrived and are, amazingly enough, on the job." He turned
his gaze back to the receiver. Suddenly, a bolt of
electricity shot out of the ear piece and engulfed Billy!
BEEP! BEEP!
The others stared in amazement as Billy, surrounded
by a blue ozone-emitting force, spasmed uncontrollably and
violently. Some of the windows in his office shook and a
few shattered. With a final thrashing about the room,
Billy fell lifelessly to the floor. The powerful haze
still continued to envelope him. Thinking quickly, which
wasn't really that fast for her, Kate snatched up a
pitcher of Perrier from Billy's desk and doused the aura.
Water and electricity don't mix, so the form assumed its
true force... I mean, the force assumed its true form. "I
don't believe it!" Rand shouted incredulously. "An
electric Gremlin!" Yes, it was true. A bolt of living
electric Gremlin death was there, standing for the
approval of all still left alive in the room, wet, and
annoyed. The creature was poised, ready to kill Kate.
BEEP! BEEP!
Kate slipped the receiver from Billy's cold, limp,
and wet hand and pointed it at the Gremlin. At the same
moment, the monster attacked. As it approached, Kate
said, "Sorry! Billy's not in right now, seeing as he's
dead. I'll have to put you on hold." She pressed the
hold button. With the most blood-curdling scream ever
emanated by an electric being since that one episode of
Scooby Doo, the Gremlin was pulled into the mouth piece of
the telephone and placed in cellular limbo, like all
persons put on hold. Kate placed the receiver on the
desk, making sure not to hang up and sending the Gremlin
to other parts of the building. BEEP! BEEP!
She rushed over to Billy and cradled his head in her
hands in much the same manner that the old, Chinese man
did earlier. She placed her head against that of her
lover's. Like weary boxers who have gone the distance,
the spectators surrounded the corpse in one last, mournful
effort. In the years to come, these few witnesses will
tell of the absolute absence of remorse by Mister
Futterman. He actually had a smile on his face. The rest
will tell of the power of those final, few moments in his
life... that they could literally feel the shockwaves.
Most would have called it gas, but they knew better.
Others will never remember the grave that was dug for him.
Most will forget this day. A majority of the few who were
actually there know this day as the day a lewd and nubile
man finally fell. The melancholy image reflected from
Jimmy Olsen's camera lens told the whole tale. He just
happened to be passing by the offices of Chump Towers,
began taking pictures just for the hell of it, and
captured the death of this man for posterity. For the
ones who loved him, one who would have liked to call him
husband, one who would have been his pal if only he had
tried harder, the one who would have called him son if
only he would have let him, this is the darkest day they
could ever imagine. He was raised to be a hero, to know
the value of sacrifice and human life. He could have been
the savior of the Earth if only he had taken these values
to heart. And for those who have fought along side of
him, minus Adam West, Mrs. Peltzer, Robocop, the Sorceress
in her eagle form, Ohm, Ogg, Mussolini, Sandi Korn, and
Jacko, comes the shock of this final moment. The weight
of being too inept to help is strong. "It cannot end like
this!" Rand said. It will. For a city to live, a
corporation to thrive, and a world to prosper, a man had
given his all and more. "Please hang on!" Kate pleaded.
"Paramedics will be here any second, as soon as we call
them. We'll get you some medical attention." But it's
too late. No amount of attention, medical or otherwise,
will bring back Billy Peltzer. For this is the day that a
not so super man died.
This is the end of Gremlins 2: Rewritten IV \ No More
Mister Nice Guy. A world without Billy Peltzer? It's all
most too good to be true, but it's terrifying from my
point of view. With the main character gone, there is
really no way I can successfully write this. It might all
end here. At least, this plot will sell a lot of copies!
By next time, we'll know for sure. But you must consider
the fact that I was able to continue from the fiasco
generated by Gremlins: Rewritten \ The Gift of the Mogwai.
Maybe I won't want to try! I might just want to stay here
in Trinidad and enjoy my self sexually. But that's for me
to decide, isn't it?
Gremlins 2: Rewritten IV \ No More Mister Nice Guy @1993
by David Minter. Based on the movie Gremlins 2 @1990 by
Warner Brothers Pictures Incorporated, the concept of the
Book and Record Set @1984 by Buena Vista Records, and
material from Gremlins 2: Rewritten III \ Here They Grow
Again @1993 by David Minter, Gremlins 2: Rewritten II \
The Legacy of Billy Peltzer @1992 by David Minter, and
Gremlins 2: Rewritten \ Movin' On Up to the East Side
@1992 by David Minter.
Gremlins @1984, 1990 Warner Brothers Pictures
Incorporated.
Gremlins 2 @1990 Warner Brothers Pictures Incorporated.
Buena Vista Records is a subsidiary of Walt Disney.
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