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Vax Trek VII, the movie, The Interesting Bit 6
Filename: p.047
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): VAX Trek VII, The Movie
The Interesting Bit: Episode 6
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: (email)
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1989 05 22
First date published: 1989 ?? ??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
----------------------------------------------
Episode 6
---------
Acting Captain's Log, Stardate 7507.8, Filed By First Engineer Scott
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A massively powerful tractor beam in the shape of a hand is dragging
the Enterprise ever closer to the planet...Escape is impossible, and
who knows what awaits us down there...All we can do now is wait...
Sulu: [Bursting into tears] "I wish we had never come to this horrible
Universe...it's a beastly place....I want to go home"
Scotty: "Pull yourself together man! We'll be alright....Anyway you've
just given me an idea for a cunning plan."
Checkov: [Looking up from his console] "...I bet it involves doing
something which the dilithium crystals 'canna take'"
Scotty: "Unfortunately, yes...they'll be awfa' knackered afterwards
but it's our only chance.......Our only hope is to travel
back in time to warn ourselves not to come through the black
hole..."
Sulu: "...uh...let me think about this for a minute.....Sounds a bit
naughty to me.....changing history and all that.."
Scotty: "Och aye...but who's going to know?"
Checkov: "hmm..a very philosophical point there..."
Sulu: "My other worry is that it's a bit of a weak turn in the
storyline.."
Scotty: "....that can't be helped I'm afraid"
Checkov: "...but a more practical problem is that if we go back in
time to the point just before coming into the black hole
we will still be short of Mr.Spock....what if we went back
a bit further to just before we lost him?"
Scotty: "You're right...I just hope the crystals dinna give out before
we get back far enough....."
Sulu: "Mr. Scott...your accent seems to be a bit stronger than
usual.."
Scotty: [Looking a bit embarrassed] "Never mind that...hit the 'Go
back in time' button.... and select the 'carefully' option...
we want those crystals to hold out as long as possible"
Sulu: "aye aye, capt...acting captain..."
Checkov: [Shutting his eyes and curling up protectively in his seat]
"..oooooh...I hhhhhate going bbbackk in time emit ni
kkcabb gniog etahhhhh I...hooooo.."
[Uncurling down unprotectively off his seat and opening his
eyes..]
[If you think I'm going to type the text of the last 10 episodes in
reverse from now on, don't worry...our special effects budget doesn't
stretch that far....so instead here's an informational, and dare I say
somewhat witty summary of the "going back in time bit"]
[..The Enterprise rips backward through the space time continuum,
passing a few startled beings who are quietly minding their own
business and using the space time continuum in the forward direction
it was orginally designed for.....So startled were many of them that
they fell off their bicycles and wondered to themselves..."what was
that huge white thing that just went backwards through the space-time
continuum and knocked me off my bike?". A passing Policeman remarked,
"Did you take down the number on the registration plate?", to which
many replied, "As a matter of fact officer, yes...it was something
like NCC-1701."....and so it cameth to pass that an APB was put out
from that day forth...yet never was that great white hit and run
driver seen again in that land....and the people did verily rejoice.]
Wheeeeeee........plop....
[The Enterprise's headlong...well...reverse-of-headlong charge backwards
down the space time continuum comes to a halt and it merges rather
reluctantly with its previous existence in the past which from now on is
going to be the present..ok? Don't worry about the mechanics of it...just
accept that we're now back to some stage well before the entry to the black
hole..or indeed the loss of Spock.....Look..I can tell that you don't
find this very convincing......You accept that the ship is powered by
dilithium crystals don't you?.yes?..so why can't you believe this?
...Dilithium crystals after all are what the Humungous Bloboids of
Barfian VII put in their tea....and as far as they are concerned you'd
have to be a madman to think they'd power a starship.......QED..I think..]
[Sulu suddenly wakes from what he thinks is a daydream...and looks across
the bridge to Mr.Scott who also seems to have just woken up too....
Scotty winks at him and shrugs his shoulders...]
Jim: "Yes we've been having a bit of trouble with Spock recently. He's just
not been his former self. Do you think you can do anything with him?"
1st Being: "We'll give him a complete going over with our sophisticated test
equipment back at the service centre, so we'll need to take him away
for a while.."
Jim: "Be my guest.....he's in the cabinet."
Sulu: [Jumping up out of his seat suddenly] "Wait Captain...no...there's
something important I have to tell you.....damn...I can't
remember now......ah..that's it!...I just had a funny dream that
Spock gets kidnapped...and we have to go through a black hole to
search for him..and and...oh it was horrible.."
[The three beings start to look a bit shifty..]
Scotty: "....I had the same dream!...you've got to believe us Captain!..
Don't let those beings take Spock away!!"
1st Being: "Come now Captain Kirk, you surely cannot believe these two
deranged crew members of yours?"
Jim: "Too right!...they're obviously completely potty!!....Guards!..take
them to the detention cell on deck 3" [He clicks his fingers and
two red jerseyed security guards step forward to grab Sulu and
Scotty]
Sulu: "But Captain!...wait....Checkov will tell you it's true!.."
Jim: "If you think I'm going to be convinced by Checkov you MUST be mad!
The detention cell is the best place for you....specially since
last time you went mad you cavorted around the ship smeared in
vegetable oil and waving a rather pointy sword about in a
threatening manner....."
Checkov: [very cunningly realising that he better keep his mouth shut turns
his attention back to all the pretty little coloured lights and
switches on his console....and says nothing] "..."
Scotty: [struggling with a guard] "Captain!!.....Please!!!"
[Jim waves dismissively, and Sulu and Scotty are dragged off the bridge
into the turbolift]
*************** TO BE CONTINUED ***************
Tune in...same time...same channel...next week...for another thrilling
installment.
Has Jim gone mad?....Are Sulu, Scotty..and possibly Checkov...the only sane
crew members on the ship?
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: David 'Dangerous' Young
Sandwiches designed by: Arthur Pewty
Fight Arranger: Ronald Reagan
Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
And thanks especially to our wonderful
system security manager who has kindly
overlooked this particular breach.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their
undying support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.
Any characters depicted in this series are based wholly on real people who
I know. So if you recognise them in the street, give them a good slagging.
FOR SALE!!!...(Yes it's our ever popular FOR SALE!! section again!)
FREE!!!..Surplus to requirements: 5000 dots!!
Due to a cutdown in the amount of .... and ..... used
in the middle and at the end of sentences in this series of
stories....the writer is prepared to give away surplus dots
FREE...yes!..FREE....
It's a chance of a lifetime!!!....Hurry while stocks last!
Available in packs of 3, 4, 5 or bumper family size 12!!!
......................they're going fast!!........
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