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Vax Trek VII, the movie, The Interesting Bit 5
Filename: p.046
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): VAX Trek VII, The Movie
The Interesting Bit: Episode 5
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: (email)
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1989 05 22
First date published: 1989 ?? ??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Star Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
----------------------------------------------
Episode 5
---------
Jim: "...A CUCUMBER???"
Spock: "yes..."
Jim: "..do you OFTEN conceal suggestively shaped vegetables on your person,
Spock?"
Spock: [Looking a little hurt at Jim's implied ridicule] "..it is an old
Vulcan custom."
Jim: "Rubbish...."
Spock: "..oh alright...I really intended to knock up a few sandwiches..."
[He delves into his trousers once more and produces some slices of
bread and a knife.]
Jim: "But you mentioned that the cucumber could help us get out of here"
Spock: "yes that's right....all we do is stick it through the bars of the
cell door..."
Jim: "...and?"
Spock: "...that's it.."
Jim: "That doesn't sound as if it'll get us out of here.."
Spock: "Yes but it'll give them one HELL of a fright.."
Jim: "...Hmmm.....Let me modify your plan a little....What if we were to
stick the cucumber through the bars as you say...THEN shout very
loudly "OH NO!..IT'S HAPPENED AGAIN...SPOCK'S METAMORPHOSED INTO
A RAVENOUS GREEN SLIME BEAST!!!""
Spock: "Really Jim...your imagination does run wild sometimes......anyway..
I don't see where the cucumber comes in..."
Jim: "....groan.....Alright...we'll need to think of something else...Can't
you use one of your super Vulcan powers then?"
Spock: "Are you suggesting I mind-meld with the cucumber?"
Jim: [Starting to get hysterical at Spock's sarcastic behaviour] "Anything's
worth a try!!!!"
[Spock closes his eyes and places his hand carefully on the cucumber...then
begins to concentrate....After a few minutes he relaxes and opens his eyes
again]
Spock: "Fascinating...absolutely fascinating....I never knew the life of a
salad vegetable could be so INTERESTING"
Jim: "But did it offer any solutions to our problem???"
Spock: "..well...Admittedly it came up with the same idea you had...but
I still don't think it would work...we need to try something more
direct....In fact the cucumber also suggested two other possibilities:
(1) We dig a tunnel, or (2) We try to break open or bend the bars on
the cell door..."
Jim: [Studying the floor] "Plan (1) is OUT...it's solid concrete....let's
have a look at that door.....Hmm...solid steel bars...mmmmmmph...
mmmmmmmph...It's no use, I can't budge them..."
Spock: [In "Sarcasm mode" again] "..you MIGHT have more success if you actually
used your arms instead of just going "mmmmmmph mmmmmmmph" not very
convincingly.......Anyway...it looks to me as if it'd take roughly
the strength of 142 men to bend those bars..."
Jim: [Whirling round in a dramatic way...] "142?...did you say 142?"
Spock: "emm...yes...roughly.."
Jim: "Uhura...Open all hailing frequencies..."
Uhura: "Hailing frequencies ope...eh?"
Jim: "Woops...force of habit..sorry...I mean..have you got a copy of last
week's episode there?"
Uhura: "yes...here..." [She hands over a few grubby sheets of paper]
Jim: "Aha!...Just as I suspected: "[142 red jerseyed guards step out of the
shadows...]"....You know what this means Spock?"
Spock: "Yes...we are on the receiving end of one of the most unconvincing
coincidences ever experienced in this series..."
Jim: "Right...and it also means this lot here" [gesturing towards the guards
behind him] "are going to be useful for once.........Right you lot
bend those bars!"
1st Red Jersey: "I'm sorry, but we can't do that....Comrade Johnson here has
very correctly pointed out to me that we would be breaking long
standing union agreements if we were to comply with your wishes."
58th Red Jersey: "That's right...only a member of the "Official Union of
Bar Benders and Jailbreakers" is allowed to do that job."
1st Red Jersey: "So I hereby state that the brothers are agreed on this matter:
We WILL NOT bend the bars. And if you dare use non-union labour on
this one, we'll come out on strike..."
Jim: "Groan....The victim of a demarcation dispute at a time like THIS!"
Spock: "May I point out to you that if you DON'T get us out of here then
those aliens are going to do nasty things to you all....and I
suspect they care little for your union agreements...."
1st Red Jersey: "Hmmm...I'll put it to a vote then.....Brothers!...do you
say Yay! or Nay! to the motion that we bend the bars?"
All Red Jerseys: [Together] "Uh?...Oh.." [Frantic whispering] "......YAY!!!"
*-----------[Meanwhile....back aboard the Enterprise...]-------------*
Scotty: "Run that recording through one more time, Computer..."
Computer: "Recording commences: <<Scotty!!!...One to beam uuuu...ooooooooooh>>
Recording ends. Voice analysis confirms that it IS the captain."
Scotty: "Do you think the fact that he is screaming means he's in trouble?"
Computer: "Analysis of previous cases of screaming suggests that screaming
can be associated with being in trouble of some form. Yes"
Scotty: "Ok then...we'll work on the assumption that he IS in some form
of serious trouble.."
Computer: "Well I wouldn't go as far as to say "serious" trouble....just
reasonably troublish trouble I'd say. Analysis of ..."
Scotty: "That's all for now thank you Computer"
Computer: "..but...oh very well.."
Scotty: "Sulu...we'll have to do something...the captain is in trouble down
there......Any suggestions?"
Sulu: "I've been thinking over a plan which might just work....Here..look,
I got the Computer to do a scan and it built up a complete map of
the sewer system on the planet below....Now...I've identified the one
weak point...HERE....A carefully placed photon torpedo at that point
could blow the whole thing wide open....And it'd give us a chance to
use those x-wing fighters that we've got sitting in the shuttle bay."
Scotty: "Is that going to help out the captain??"
Sulu: "No, but it'd be great fun!!....I can imagine it all now..."RED FIVE to
RED LEADER...I'M GOING IN...neeeeeeoooooowwwww.....WATCH OUT FOR
THOSE LASER TOWERS!......CONTROL TO RED FIVE...WHY HAVE YOU SWITCHED
OFF YOUR TARGETTING COMPUTER?....USE THE FORCE SULU...USE THE FORCE
.....neeeoooooww.....""
Scotty: "I can see we're going to have to exercise a bit more discretion over
the films we show in the rec. room in future...."
Checkov: [Pointing frantically at the viewing screen] "Look at me! I'm pointing
frantically at the viewing screen!!!"
[To their horror they see a huge hand coming up from the planet surface to grab
the Enterprise......Clearly it's some advanced form of tractor beam.....and
it has the expected effect]
Scotty: "Aaaargh!..we're being pulled in towards the planet!!!!!!!"
*************** TO BE CONTINUED ***************
Tune in...same time...same channel...next week...for another thrilling
installment.
What will happen to our heroes?...Will they escape alive from
their deadly peril?
Will Spock's sandwiches be cut into triangles or just rectangular shapes?
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: David 'Dangerous' Young
Sandwiches designed by: Arthur Pewty
Fight Arranger: Ronald Reagan
Cucumber Supplied By: Zorko's Vegetable Emporium
Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
And thanks especially to our wonderful
system security manager who has kindly
overlooked this particular breach.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
CBAR28, CAEP08 and many others for their
undying support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.
Any characters depicted in this series are based wholly on real people who
I know. So if you recognise them in the street, give them a good slagging.
CRITIC'S REVIEW: "Star Trek VII "The Interesting Bit" Episode 4"
I found episode 4 lacked some of the deeper vitality of previous
episodes, and in a way its lower regard for the outward inwardness
of the reader's interpersonal de-stabilising fascist moral fibre was
frankly a disappointment.
This is not to say that Spock's dramatic perturbations of Act 4,Scene 3
did not arouse some of the subliminal emotional entanglements
we have come to expect of this great character..nay indeed my underwear
has not quite dried yet. And thricely I say, it was a matter of
degree, in that this particular episode did not evoke these emotions
to such an extent as has been experienced in say episode 2....for
which it took five whole weeks for that set of underwear to dry. But
underwear aside, and if I can get away with it, I would gladly
lick a Romulan's armpit to get my hands on the next episode.
Here's what a selection of newspapers said about the episode:
"Well I wouldn't suck it!", Daily Telegraph.
"Kirk and Spock on another action filled romp through time
and space...", Daily Express.
"More action abord the storsheep Interprize", The Guardian.
"What a Pair of Whoppers!", The Sun.
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