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Vax Trek VII, the movie, The Interesting Bit 1
VAX Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
----------------------------------------------
Episode 1
---------
Captain's Log, Stardate 11/780.1234
-----------------------------------
For the past five days Spock has been inside the ship's computer. His exact
purpose is as yet unknown, but it sure as hell better be a good excuse because
by opening the cabinet he has annulled our maintenance warranty.
Spock: "Don't worry Jim, I've made a few modifications and I think you'll
agree they improve the overall usefulness and userfriendliness of the
system."
Jim: "Yes but it was already about as user friendly as a computer can get!
It talks in English, it can solve ANY problem you name, AND it even
beats you at 3D chess..."
Spock: "...that was one of the reasons I undertook my modifications"
Sulu: "....You vulcans always were sore losers..."
Spock: "..It's not that I'm a sore loser...I just think it's unnatural for a
computer to beat a Vulcan at chess."
Jim: "So what DID you do then?"
Spock: "Here look...I'll re-boot it"
[He types RUN and presses RETURN]
%SYSTEM-F-PHLOCK, phasers locked, unable to fire error at PC=00000617,
PSL=03C00022
%TRACE-F-TRACEBACK, symbolic stack dump follows
module name routine name line rel PC abs PC
INVADERS BOMB 9 00000017 00000617
MOVEALIENS 53 00000078 00000800
MAINLOOP 20 00000100 00000400
Spock: "..........ah....."
Jim: [Drumming his fingers impatiently on the arms of his seat....and
accidentally hitting a few important switches in the process..]
"well?"
Spock: "Just a moment...I see the problem..I think I put the wrong system
disk in.....right..it's fixed now:"
MSDOS Version 42.0
A>
Jim: "???"
Spock: "Now you can run a whole host of industry standard packages, from
word processors to spreadsheets. It's the perfect solution to your
business needs......"
Scotty: "He sounds just like a damn computer salesman..."
Spock: "....The most demanding applications are easily catered for, and should
your needs grow, the PC640000 has ample expansion capabilities. For
extra memory, just install the ..."
Jim: [Pointing his phaser at Spock] "...I want it put back the way it was
before...NOW!"
[Spock disappears inside the cabinet again and the door slams shut]
Jim: "What is up with Spock these days?"
Bones: "I don't think we're taxing his brain enough. I'll give him a going over
with my twirly thing when he comes back out."
Jim: "You do that Bones. ...Now...where was I ?.."
[Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Univ...."
Jim: "Yes yes..we know.....You're LATE!"
2nd Being: "We got held up ...we were creating a new galaxy and clever trousers
here put in too many carbon atoms, and we had to start all over again."
3rd Being: "It wasn't my fault....there was a misprint in the instructions"
1st Being: "..anyway...down to business....Right Kirk, we understand your
Vulcan has been acting up a bit recently? Fortunately your
Federation has a full parts and maintenance warranty with us for
upkeep of your shipboard Vulcans.."
Jim: "ah!...good! But I didn't know about any such contract?"
1st Being: "Yes well at the start of the series the Federation felt a bit
guilty about sending you off on such a dangerous mission "to boldly
go where no man has gone before", so they contacted us and paid
quite a hefty sum for our top of the range "Hardly Credible Amount of
Luck and Good Fortune" contract. This contract includes a free Vulcan,
plus lifetime parts and maintenance guarantee.......so here we are.."
Jim: "Yes we've been having a bit of trouble with Spock recently. He's just
not been his former self. Do you think you can do anything with him?"
1st Being: "We'll give him a complete going over with our sophisticated test
equipment back at the service centre, so we'll need to take him away
for a while.."
Jim: "Be my guest.....he's in the cabinet."
[The three beings appear to concentrate for a moment, then Spock materialises
before them holding a soldering iron, and with a very bewildered look on
his face]
1st Being: "Right, if you just sign here Captain Kirk?......thank you...
now we'll be off. He should be ready next Thursday"
2nd Being: "Have a nice day"
Jim: "..ah thank you..bye"
[The three beings fade away, taking Spock with them...]
Jim: "What nice people."
Scotty: "yes....and they seem to be coming back already..look"
[Three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
[ I bet you're thinking we filmed this special effect only once and just keep
showing the same bit again....we're not THAT cheap you know]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Univ...."
Jim: "Yes yes we know all that....what are you back for already?"
1st Being: "Back?..Already? You said 'come back next Wednesday at 2 o'clock'.
Admittedly we're a bit late, but we do eventually keep all our
appointments...though you can't imagine how busy it is being
utter overlords of the Universe"
Jim: "But you were here just five minutes ago"
2nd Being: "Nope, that's impossible. Five minutes ago we were at a meeting
with our subcontractors in a new black hole building project out
at Tau Cetus III."
Jim: "But you were HERE!..You came and took Spock away...our Vulcan crew
member. You know...all to do with the "Hardly Credible Amount of
Luck and Good Fortune" contract we have with you"
3rd Being: "No..that can't be right. Our records show that the contract
you mention ran out 2 and a half years ago. I distinctly remember
the representative from your Federation saying ''I'll be damned if
if I'm going to fork out THAT amount of cash to help out Kirk for
a whole five year mission''...."
1st Being: "...So we damned him anyway for a laugh.."
Jim: "....But if it wasn't YOU that took Spock away...WHO WAS IT!!!"
[They all freeze in various dramatic poses]
*************** TO BE CONTINUED ***************
Yes I know....it's stopped at a really interesting bit, but isn't that
what always happens with "To Be Continued" thingies.....You'll just have
to tune in next week to find out:
Who were those strange beings?
Is Carl Sagan a co-writer?
What will Dr.McCoy do with his twirly thing now that Spock has gone?
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: (Is there one?) DJY
Stunt Coordinator: Darth H. Vader
Fight Arranger: "Iron" Mike Tyson
Ringside Seats: At Exorbitant Prices
Computer System Run By: Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CCA244,CNBP01,CRAA15,CADU34,CLIP07
CBAR28, and many others for their undying
support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.
Any characters depicted in this series are fictional and any resemblance
to characters living or dead is purely unintentional. In fact it'd be
bloody remarkable to tell the truth.
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