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Vax Trek V, the movie, The Crunchy Bits 7
Filename: p.040
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): VAX Trek V The Movie
The Crunchy Bits: Episode 7
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: (email)
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1989 05 22
First date published: 1989 ?? ??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 7:
----------
Captain's Log Stardate 42.5
---------------------------
..well...the entrance of Commander Trouserpress WOULD have been pretty
impressive had he not tripped on the steps and broken his neck. Some Klingon
guards have just arrived to stretcher him away, and it looks as if our
impostor Uhura has assumed control of the Klingon boarding party. They seem
to be taking apart the ship piece by piece in search of the door Sheeshing
mechanism, but hopefully we can stall them long enough to prevent them
finding it before the Federation rescue ship saves us.
Uhura: "Kirk? You doing that Captain's Sod thing?"
Jim: "It's a LOG ....and YES I am doing it!"
Uhura: "Good...but remember..no funny business...and no mention of anything
out of the ordinary"
Jim: "Yes yes....don't worry.."
Uhura: "By the way, Kirk, if you don't tell us where the door sheeshing
mechanism is hidden we'll start systematically beaming members of
your crew into deep space."
Jim: "You fiend....you'll never get away with this!...and a triple fanged
swamp Norgoid from the planet Barf couldn't drag the information
out of me..."
Uhura: "..sorry...did I not mention that you'd be the first to be beamed?"
Jim: "..Ah....It's under the cistern in the toilet complex on deck 3b"
Uhura: "I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking Kirk.....Guards!..watch
them carefully til I get back."
[The Uhura impostor leaves the bridge, leaving two Klingon guards to keep
an eye on the Enterprise crew members]
Jim: "That should give us some breathing space....let's see now..236 cubicles..
at 1 cistern per cubicle...that's 235 cisterns...and at say 1 minute
to search each one...that makes..."
Spock: "Excuse me Captain...shouldn't that be 236 cisterns?"
Jim: "Should it?"
Spock: "Well usually it has been my experience that 236x1 is 236, thus since
there are 236 cubicles, with 1 cistern per cubicle, that must mean
there are 236 cisterns"
Jim: "Are you sure you can do it that way?...I remember actually counting
all the cisterns one day, just in case it might come in useful, and
I'm pretty sure there were 235.....though I suppose I could have
miscounted......"
Spock: "....yes well let's just say that if Uhura searched every one it would
take something approaching 4 hours...but you really have to take into
account that on average he really only needs to search half of them..
indeed..we might be unlucky and he might find it straight away..."
Jim: "Basically you're saying we have a completely indeterminate amount of
breathing space.....ok let's make the best of it...Spock, remind me
of Federation Standard Code on Dealing With Klingon Boarding Parties"
Spock: "Look it up yourself...there's the manual.."
Jim: "Spock!.That's an order!"
Spock: "Listen...I'm not here to act as a walking library for you, just
because you're too lazy to pick up a book and read it for yourself..
The Vulcan mind is for higher things...I didn't want to be a ship's
Science Officer anyway....I wanted to be a lumberjack...striding
through the forests of British Columbia...the maple, the larch..
the mighty Scots Pine!...."
Jim: "Hold him down!...he's taken one of his funny turns...."
[They all leap on top of Spock and pin him to the floor....]
Spock: [muffled under a pile of bodies] "...I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..."
Bones: "Keep him still while I administer the injection!"
Spock: "....I wish I'd been a girlie..just like my dear papa......."
Bones: "He should be out cold for about ten minutes, but hopefully when he
wakes up he'll be back to normal..."
Scotty: "By the way, Dr.McCoy, where did you appear from?"
Bones: "I've been here all the time...I just haven't had any lines for
quite a while."
Scotty: "Me neither...do you think they're trying to write us out of the
series?"
Jim: "Quiet you two...the Klingon guards are watching us suspiciously.."
Scotty: "Maybe if we created a commotion over here as if one of us was
going seriously mad, they'd come over and we'd jump up and disarm
them..."
Jim: "Damn...damn damn damn...."
Bones: "What is it?"
Jim: "We did that bit all wrong....Scotty should have said his last line BEFORE
Spock went cuckoo"
Bones: "We'll have to think of something else then....emmm...."
Checkov: "I have an idea Captain"
Jim: "Oh shut up Checkov, can't you see we're trying to think!"
Checkov: "But it might just work"
Jim: "Checkov, be QUIET!.....Now Bones, how about if we all started singing
and dancing? They'd come over to see what we were doing, then we'd
jump on them."
Bones: "They weren't very interested in the commotion Spock caused...so I
reckon they've been warned about any such tricks we might play..."
Jim: "Oh alright Checkov....out with it!"
Checkov: "This is a bit of a long shot Captain, but why don't we just blast
them with our phasers?"
Jim: [Sarcastically] "VERY clever Checkov....and I suppose if YOU boarded an
enemy ship and took its crew prisoner, you'd let them keep their
weapons?"
Checkov: "....THEY did...."
Jim: "Don't be stu...uh!......I DON'T believe it!"
Checkov: "Can I fire first then?"
Jim: "No, I'll shoot first.....ready?...set phasers to kill.....fire!!"
[The two Klingon guards are instantly vapourised...along with a good deal of
very essential, and very expensive communications and sensor equipment
in the panels behind them...(This has no significance to any future turn in
the story..I just thought I'd mention it to show you that we're not skimping
on the special effects)]
Jim: "Right!...to the turbolift!"
[They all leap across the floor and make for the double doors at the back of
the bridge..]
[Sheesh...]
[aaaaaaaaaaargh!!]
********************* Next Week: Episode 8. ************************
Find out next week what they found in the turbolift....was it Spock's
used underwear? Was it Scotty's pet haggis? ....Can you stand the suspense?
Can I think up something convincing?....Will Bones and Scotty get more lines
to say?......Just tune in next week and all will be answered....
Galactic Credits:
----------------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: The CNBR10 Corporation
Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre Peeps
Impostor Uhura Supplied By: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium
Phasers: Set to 'kill'
Bone's Lines: Approved by the BMA
Scotty's Accent: Improving with practice.
Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling
episode....
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