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Vax Trek V, the movie, The Crunchy Bits 4
Filename: p.037
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): VAX Trek V The Movie
The Crunchy Bits: Episode 4
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: (email)
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1989 05 22
First date published: 1989 ?? ??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
Episode 4:
----------
[...we left our heroes at the end of episode three (which was actually episode
two of course) in a bit of a predicament.
Advancing towards them was a very angry looking crowd of natives led by
a tall old man with a white beard and a funny pointed hat.
Captain Kirk gave the order to fire on the advancing crowd before it
was too late....]
Captain's log, Star date 4:59.42 (entry made by outdoor battery operated log)
--------------------------------
We are completely surrounded by a VERY angry crowd of natives...Two of our
guards have just been blasted by the old man with the beard who seemed to
get rather upset when they first hit him with a couple of volleys of phaser
fire. Luckily he seems to have calmed down somewhat, and is approaching me
now..probably to parley....hold on he's getting very close and is still walking
at quite a pace.....umph!...
Gandalf: "Oh eck...sorry....eyesight's not s'good as it used to be..."
Jim: (picking himself up off the ground and dusting off the...err..dust..(for
want of a better word)) "That's alright"
Gandalf: "What were those red things, by the way?....were they annoying you
too?...I thought i better get rid of them before they did any harm"
Jim: "Those red THINGS were members of my......err....actually no...
I DON'T know what they were....It IS lucky you blasted them...they were
about to attack us all I think"
Spock: (in a confidential whisper) "Well done Captain...your diplomatic skills
might be the best way to get around these savages"
Jim: "Why thank you Spock...come to my cabin later on when we get back to the
ship"
Gandalf: "Stop muttering Kirk....I'm very angry with you"
Jim (spluttering): "How do you know my name!??!?"
Gandalf: "Remember the old man you used to use as phaser target practice
when you were at Federation cadet school?"
Jim: "Emmm..yes...that was YOU?"
Gandalf: "Nope...I was his walking stick. I went through a bit of a phase
in my early years....just research really...into the day to day lives of
inanimate objects....but that's all irrelevant now. WHAT do you mean by
disrupting the lives of these little people!"
Jim: "I'm sorry about all this trouble we've caused, but we crash-landed
I'm afraid. Our engines are completely useless until we can either
repair or replace our burnt out dylithium crystals..."
Gandalf: "Bugger that!...we want you out of here by teatime or else we'll
have to take severe action!"
Jim: (glancing nervously at the two dead guards) "emm...right we'll do our
best.."
Spock: (pointing at a small bearded person pushing a wheelbarrow)
"I think we may be in luck Captain"
Jim: "Who is he?"
Gandalf: "Damn dwarf of course.....They're building what they call the
very latest in large scale construction projects...the Hobbiton
Megadrome....It's basically an urban bypass, conference centre,
shopping mall and ring-road all rolled into one.....Groan...what
am I doing..standing here nattering to you lot...I'm off...and
I expect you to be gone by teatime remember!"
Scotty: "Look Captain!..in the wheelbarrow...Dylithium crystals!"
Jim: "Right...we'll play this strictly by the book...Spock, remind me of
Federation standard code on opening friendly talks with alien
lifeforms"
Spock: "Subsection 5, paragraph 39a, clause 1: Hail the alien lifeforms
in a friendly and diplomatic manner."
Jim: "Oi!.Shorty!..Get yer backside over here with that wheelbarrow!"
Dwarf: (drawing a rather lethal looking axe from his belt) "Kryvh ne grok!"
Spock: "I think we have a communication problem here Captain..."
Jim: "Rubbish!..he understood me perfectly! He's becoming tiresome anyway.
Go and dispose of him with your Vulcan death grip and we can swipe
the Dylithium."
Spock: "I see a subtle flaw in that plan Captain... I fear I would not
get close enough to administer the grip without my arms falling
victim to the thrusts of his mighty weapon"
Jim: "..I love it when you talk dirty.."
Scotty: "I have a better plan.....we could all pretend to run off in sheer
terror....he chases us...leaves the wheelbarrow...and Spock slips back
to grab the crystals..."
Jim: "I don't think any 'pretending' will be necessary...but anyway it's a
brilliant plan! ....ok..on the count of 3...1.2.3...RUN for it!"
[**** 20 minutes later on board the Enterprise ****]
Spock: "The new crystals are installed and the warp engines are now fully
operational, Captain."
Jim: "That's all very well, but we've got a mad axe-wielding maniac of
diminutive stature loose on the ship somewhere! He's already minced a
troop of guards on deck 3..."
Spock: "How did he get on board?"
Jim: "He chased us all the way!..we didn't have time to shut the door behind
us!....We'll have to forget about him till later....We have more
urgent matters to attend to...like getting off this planet....What
time do you make it Mr.Sulu?"
Sulu: "230x9.5.400.45 Fed-secs, sir"
Jim: "Give me that in English, Sulu"
Sulu: "About teatime, sir"
Jim: "Hit the gas pedal Sulu!..NOW!!"
Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"
Spock: (Thinking quietly to himself): Hmmm, I'm sure there's something in
the Federation Code of Practice about not using warp drive in
populated areas.....ah, what the hell........
Ho hum.....eh?...That's funny...I seem to remember Lt.Uhura being
taller...and dear oh dear, that beard doesn't suit her at all....
********************* Next Week: Episode 5. ************************
Galactic Credits:
----------------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: DJY (with help from an old
washing up liquid bottle)
Transporter Powered By: Duracell batteries
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre Peeps
Missiles launched by: Computer Error
Dwarves supplied by: Zorko's Dwarf Emporium
Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...for another thrilling
episode....and remember...In Space..No One Can Hear You Being-Sliced-Neatly
In-Two-By-A-Slightly-Upset-Axe-Wielding-Dwarf.
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