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Vax Trek V, the movie, The Crunchy Bits 1
Filename: p.034
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): VAX Trek V The Movie
The Crunchy Bits: Episode 1
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: (email)
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1989 05 22
First date published: 1988 11 ??
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
These are the voyages of the StarShip Enterprise..Its five year mission
to seek out and destroy all slightly dodgy alien life...To boldly split
infinitives where there's no grammar teacher to slap our wrists....
Captain's log, CPU Time: 3:45 point 31
--------------------------------------
Nothing much happening. Had quite a nice chicken curry for breakfast. Walked
about a bit. Went to the toilet on deck 4. Ignored a few insignificant crew
members in red jerseys. Now sitting on the bridge writing this log, but I'm
about to be interrupted by Scotty.
Scotty: "Scott to bridge..Scott to bridge.."
Jim: "Go ahead Mr. Scott.."
Scotty: "Cap'n Cap'n...the dilithium crystals canna take any more!"
Jim: "Alright alright you have permission to divert the power back to the main
engines and disconnect my home beer making kit."
Scotty: "Thanks cap'n"
Jim: "Attention everyone, it's jersey colour allocation day today..."
Sulu: "Aw siiiir...do we HAVE to?? We always end up with same colour jerseys
anyway..."
Jim: "Listen..this must be seen to be a democratically run ship...The plebs
on the lower decks have to believe the allocation is fair otherwise we'd have
mutiny on our hands. Hence the weekly jersey allocation game. But of course
we cleverly arrange it that they always lose, and end up with the red ones."
Scotty: "So why do I get a red one?"
Jim: "Don't you see?..someone important has to have one to make them believe
it's perfectly safe to wear a red one....but of course yours just LOOKS red..
it's really one of the yellow ones with a special holographic colour refractor
built in."
Spock: "It's perfectly logical....Captain"
Jim: "Shut up Spock, you pointy eared wierdo"
Spock: "As I am completely devoid of emotion, anger isn't something I suffer
from..but I would warn you that if you persist in these insults I'll kick your
teeth in."
Jim: "You do value having a BLUE jersey Spock don't you?"
Spock: "Emmm....yes captain"
Jim: "Any more of your lip and you'll be allocated a red one...."
Spock: "sorry sir...won't happen again"
Lt.Uhura: "Sir,..is my red jersey really a yellow one like Mr.Scott's?"
Jim: "No...yours is a real red one....you get killed in the next episode.."
Lt.Uhura: "In that case I'll just resign from the show before the next episode.
I can get another acting job easily."
Jim: "Fair enough...but how do you propose to get home?"
Lt.Uhura: "..But I thought..."
Jim: "I know..you thought we were in a studio set somewhere in Hollywood?"
Lt.Uhura: "..basically...yes.."
Jim: "..A popular misconception....don't worry though...we meet up with a
supply ship returning to earth in two episode's time."
Lt.Uhura: "...but i get killed in the next episode..it'll be too late"
Jim: "Hmm...Scotty..if we fed the output of the warp drive exciter windings
into the main neutrino pulse modulator, reversed the polarity on the
fusion reactor field, and plugged the pacman cartridge into the games console
in the level 3 rec. room, would that allow us to make episode 3 happen before
episode 2?"
Scotty: "No....but if we press this big orange button here...."
NEXT WEEK: Episode 3.
NEXT NEXT WEEK: Episode 2.
...you're a genius scotty...
Credits:
-------
Story by: DJY
Special Effects: DJY
Photon Torpedoes Supplied By: DJY
VAX Computer System kindly run by: Those Great Computer Centre People
Things Fall By: The force of gravity.
Tune in again..same time..same channel...next week...
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