|
|
 |
|
|
|
register |
bbs |
search |
rss |
faq |
about
|
|
|
meet up |
add to del.icio.us |
digg it
|
|
|
|
A Day with the Star Trek Writers
Filename: p.006
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): A Day with the Star Trek Writers
Author(s): Frank Mayhar, John Joseph
Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster: Frank Mayhar
Date posted: 1987 11 05 06:25:42 GMT
First date published: 1987 11 05 06:25:42 GMT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy at work (my boss, in fact) came up with this, and I thought I would
share it with the net.
----------------
A Day with the STAR TREK Writers
"Gee, guys, it's time we come up with a new script."
"Aw, do we have to already? I haven't gotten over last week's script
yet."
"Yes, it's time. That's what we're getting the big bucks for."
"Oh, all right. Did Research come up with anything yet? Patricia?"
"Well, we did conduct the study suggested in last week's script
meeting. The study suggests that our audience is not what we
originally anticipated, and that we should adjust our scripts and
content accordingly."
"That's fascinating, Patricia. You mean to tell us that our audience
is NOT 12-year-old prepubescent American males that have never
watched a millisecond of educational television, don't remember a
lick of what they've learned in school, and do nothing but fantasize
about middle-aged women in 'feety' pajamas?"
"I hate to say it, Richard, but it's true."
"Hmmm. That means that the first 12 scripts were all wrong."
"Yep. The first 9 of those are in the can, too."
"So, it's too late to change them. Rats. Well, we now have a
monumental decision facing us. Do we go with the 'consistency'
theme, or do we adjust our scripts to conform to the expectations of
our audience survey."
"Well, Richard, I'm not so sure that would be wise. You see, the
audience survey says that our current fans are 32-year-old
postpubescent American male couch potatoes that have never watched a
millesecond of educational television, don't remember a lick of what
they've learned in school, own all three 'Star Wars' films on video
casette, and do nothing but fantasize about middle-aged women in
'feety' pajamas."
"That's even worse! That means that instead of Mattel sponsoring the
show, we'll have to solicit advertising from Budweiser!"
"Spuds Mackenzie in space? Ack!"
"Never mind that now. Advertising is the responsibility of the
individual station. Let's get down to what we're supposed to be
doing...coming up with script ideas."
"Do they have to be original ones this week?"
"Who are you?"
"I'm Alan, the new writer."
"Like we needed another writer. Well, Alan, didn't you read the
writer's guide? All we need is SINGLE original ideas, then we flesh
them out with stuff from the original series, Buck Rogers (the Pamela
Hensley one), Space: 1999, and Fireball XL5. Heck, if we can
disguise it enough, we can convince Gene that the scripts are totally
original. Plus, we gotta give all the regulars something
'regularish' to do. Wotta job!"
"Uh. Oh. Okay."
"Maybe you'd better sit quietly and watch this first time. Anyone
have an idea? Jeannie?"
"Uh, well, Richard, I've got an idea."
"Let's hear it."
"Okay, it goes like this. The Enterprise is trapped in a wierd
region of space that makes everyone hallucinate. Suddenly, some
latex-faced aliens with stupid oral appliances appear and threaten
them."
"You're not thinking about anything violent, are you?"
"Of course not. I remember rule 12-b of the writer's guide. 'Threats
are more palatable than true confrontations...and cheaper.'"
"Okay, proceed."
"Well, the alien ship hovers out in front of the Enterprise while the
captain decisively calls an on-bridge meeting.
"'I welcome opinions', he says.
"The Klingon says, 'I respectfully suggest that we blast them out of
the sky, sir'.
"The security person says, 'I don't know why you're asking me, sir,
but I agree with the Klingon.'
"Geordi says, 'Maybe they're bluffing.'
"The first officer says nothing, of course.
"The captain pivots to the Advisor. 'Well, Advisor,' he says,
'What's your opinion?'
"The Advisor says, 'I feel a strange sense of deja vu, Captain.'
"The Captain turns back to the screen, his hand on his chin. 'Hmmm.
Well, it seems we have no choice. Anyone at a control panel, open
hailing frequencies!'"
"Wait, wait, wait. This is absurd. We don't need this level of
detail at a brainstorming session. Patty, simply note that we'll
include the 'Captain of 600-meter Warp 10 Starship Gets Indecisive
and Holds Pointless Meeting in'.... was that meeting on the bridge or
in the stupid little room right off the bridge?"
"On the Bridge."
"Sorry, Patty, '...Meeting on the Bridge Scene'."
"Well, the Captain, of course, gets no comprehensible response to his
hail of the alien vessel. So, he decides to send a bunch of people
who never go down to Engineering until there's a crisis all down to
Engineering because there's a crisis.
"What they find is that somehow the warp drive has been disabled,
stranding the Enterprise in this particularly dangerous part of
space."
"Aha! So, we get the misfit kid genius to repair it!"
"Far too simple. We get the misfit kid genius to figure out how it
got disabled. Then we get Data to do some of that omniscient robot
stuff and fix it."
"Got it. Okay, let's go over the checklist:
Yar: Said something violent.
Klingon: Said something violent.
Whiz kid: Did something brilliant.
Data: Did something robot-like.
Captain: Did something indecisive.
Advisor: Did something confusing.
First officer: Acted as set decoration."
"Gee that leaves the doctor out."
"Yah, can't anyone get hurt or something?"
"I know! We'll have her work on an antidote for the hallucinogenic
effects found in this strange region of space!"
"Great! checklist:
Doctor: Does something pointless."
"What's left on the checklist?"
"Hmmmm. 'Violate commonly-held 20th century scientific knowledge'.
That's always been a tough one."
"Well, what have we done so far?"
"Well, there's the single flaming meteoroid chunk of exploding star
convenienly headed toward the Enterprise. Then there's the thing we
threw in about Geordi being in constant pain. How about when the
ship got really cold and the captain forgot how to face it toward the
sun? There was the time Data fell into a holographic stream and
ended up wet. One of the best was when we got all the women drunk on
altered water and they jumped the bones of the nearest male."
"Oooh. Those were good ones. But I just can't think of any really
stupid ones right now. "
"Okay, we'll have Research look something up in either 'Science Made
Stupid' or one of Doug Adams's books."
"Yeah. Okay, how about the next item on the checklist. 'Violate
commonly-held Trek lore'."
"Hmm. That's a tough one, too. We've already done the 'beam half
the crew down to do something they should have taken a tricorder to
do'."
"Yeah. And the transporter's worked nearly perfectly for four or
five shows in a row. And, we've got families and kids on board,
headed nowhere, while we continue to encounter unknown possibly
hostile species. We could spend some time creating meaningless
stress about that. Or we could have Yar punch out an alien
dignitary."
"I dunno. We've already worked those to death."
"So?"
"Okay, I'll roll the dice when I get back to my office. So,
Patricia, how do we resolve this little difficulty?"
"Huh? You want me to do EVERYTHING? Okay, how about the whiz kid
transforms some of Mom's expensive medical tools into a
communications device that knows how to talk to the alien ship, an
amazing feat, because the Captain locked him in the closet in Act I.
Anyway, he convinces the alien ship to tow them out of the
hallucinogenic region of space, where they find out that a fuse was
blown in the warp drive that they couldn't have seen because they
were all tripping. Then the whiz kid gets a pat on the head as the
captain lets him out of the closet, and all we've wasted is an hour!"
|
|
|
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
totse.com certificate signatures
|
|
|
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
|
|
|
|
|
|
