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Star Trek:TNG - Enterprise vs. Star Blazers Yamato
AARRGGHH! Another round of Enterprise versus the Yamato
For those of you wondering how a battle between the Enterprise and the
Space Cruiser Yamato or Argo (depending on your reference) would turn out,
don't!
It would go something like this:
[the scene begins with a zoom in on the Enterprise Bridge and cuts to
Picard]
Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate 98765432.10. While on a routine mission to
the Achbarditaniary System, our sensors picked up a strange fluctuation in
the space-time continuum. While we cannot determine the source of this
disturbance, long-range sensors are picking up a lone vessel in the
immediate vicinity. We are enroute to investigate.
[There is a bright flash on the bridge]
Q: Jean-Luc, mon capitaine. I'm back!
Picard: Q, get out of here!
Q: Non, mon amie. I have a contract, remember?
Data: Captain, I do not think that Q's contract pertains to this particular
scenario. Technically, this is not a parody, but another inane attempt to
pit our ship against another genre vessel. Precedents include the
Galactica, Cylon Base Stars, Blake 7, Doctor Who's Tardis, Robotech
vehicles, the Batmobile, Dasterdly and Muttley's flying...
Picard: Enough, Data. We get the point. Excellent. Q, you are not wanted
here, nor legally required to be here. You will leave.
Q: Hurumph. It's a silly premise, anyway. But I'll be back. I'll be
watching.
[Q disappears in a bright flash]
Picard: Finally. Let's get on with this. Beverly's waiting for me...
Wesley: Hey!!!
Riker: Shut up, boy!
Picard: Number One. Remember, this is NOT a parody.
Riker: Sorry.
Wesley: Thanks!
Picard: Shut up boy.
[Scene cuts to the Argo with big gaping hole in side.]
Venture: Derek! What was that ship?
Wildstar: I don't know Mark. I think it was one of the Comet Empire's new
Space Destroyers. We were hit by a Magna-Laser Cannon!
Sander: They destroyed the Third Bridge.
Nova: But where are we now, Derek? Where did the enemy ship go?
[IQ-9 tips over]
Nova: EEEEK! I have it on the scope. It's back!
[Enterprise ripples into view on the big screen]
(COINCIDENCE EXPLANATION: The Enterprise looks almost exactly like the
Comet Empire's new Space Destroyers.)
Wildstar: Recall the repair teams. Ready the shock cannons.
Eager: Aye, aye, sir.
[Cut to Enterprise Bridge. Argo is on the main screen. It looks as new as
the day it was commissioned.]
Riker: What the hell is that? Looks like an old Earth Navy Battleship.
Worf: Sensors show it is an old Earth Navy Battleship.
Riker: You're kidding.
Worf: Klingons do not kid. The ship has been modified to be space worthy.
It is arming it's weapons. It is an unidentifiable energy, but it does seem
to be...tachyon based.
Picard: Tachyon? Can our shields deflect that?
Worf: I don't know. It is not mentioned in "Mr. Scott's Guide to the
Enterprise."
Riker: That means...we're at the mercy of the writer!
Picard: Merde.
Worf: However, that should be little problem. The ship is not shielded.
Picard: Good. Mr. Worf, raise our shields and hail that vessel.
Worf: Aye sir.
[cut to Argo Bridge]
Hardy: Distance to Space Destroyer 40 mega-meters.
Nova: Oh! Derek! There's an energy reading building around the Destroyer.
Wildstar: Fire all shock cannons!
[cut to Enterprise]
Picard: Attention alien vessel. I'm Captain Jean-Luc...
[He is interrupted as shock-cannon lasers impact on the shields, rocking
the ship]
Worf: We are under fire. Permission to destroy alien vessel.
Picard: Negative, Mr. Worf. Our shields seem able to deal with their
weapons. We are on a peaceful mission.
Worf: (under breath) Wimp.
Picard: What was that?
Worf: I said wim-pieth. It's Klingon for Wise Leader.
Picard: Why, thank you. Let's try communicating again. I'm Captain...
{The preceding scenes repeat 20 times}
Picard: I'm Captain...
Riker: Captain. You've tried that 20 times. They aren't listening.
Data: Shields are beginning to weaken sir.
Picard: Very well. Stand by while I convert from Peace Mode to Kick-Ass
Mode.
[He turns around in his chair three times]
Picard: There. That'll be enough of that. I'm tired of being a sitting
target. Mr. Worf, target one of those laser turrets and fire main phasers,
short duration.
Worf: {big shit-eating grin} Yes sir!
[Enterprise fires phasers and blows up a turret. A second quick blast
destroys the Bridge protruding from the bottom of the Argo]
Picard: Worf. I said one shot.
Worf: Oops. Finger stuck.
Data: Direct hit, sir. The alien ship has sustained heavy damage. It
is...burning sir.
Wesley: That's impossible. You can't have a fire in space. There's no
oxygen!
Data: Nevertheless, there is a large fire...and smoke.
Picard: This is damn peculiar.
[cut to Argo. Smoke pours from damaged turret]
Homer: They've destroyed turret number three.
Sander: They've destroyed Bridge number 3.
Wildstar: Grrrr. We can't just sit here. Let's see how their force field
stands up to real power. Ready the WAVE MOTION CANNON!!!
Venture: Transferring all energy to Wave-Motion Cannon.
[Cut to Enterprise]
Picard: That seems to have taken the fight out of them. They've stopped
firing. Now maybe they're willing to talk.
Data: Captain. I read a buildup of that strange tachyon energy inside that
hole in the front of the ship. Readings go off the scale.
[Everyone looks up at the screen. White swirls of energy are building
around the front of the Argo. Everyone suddenly noticed that the other ship
is no longer damaged.]
Riker: What the hell? What happened to all of the damage? We crippled that
ship.
Data: Sensors show that the alien vessel is fully functional.
Picard: Could that ship be of Borg design?
Data: Negative, sir. It is constructed of simple metals as found on Earth.
Picard: Well, it's just sitting there. Let's put a stop to this right away.
Mr. Worf, fire phasers and photon torpedoes.
[The ship shutters as a barrage of torpedoes and phasers are fired. On the
screen, the Argo is enveloped as all weapons hit. The ship burst into
flames and smoke again.]
[Cut to Argo]
Sandor: They destroyed Bridge Number Three.
Venture: Derek! We have to get out of here. We're heavily damaged!
Wildstar: Grrr. No! Continue countdown to Wave-Motion Gun. Launch all Black
Tiger Fighters to stop their firing.
[Black Tigers launch and fly at the Enterprise. Several impact against the
shields and explode. Others buzz the ship, unable to penetrate the
shields.]
Data: The enemy ship is heavily damaged. Yet they still continue to build
up to fire. Their fighters are inaffectual.
Picard: Enough is enough. Mr. Worf, fire phasers, wide spread, to destroy
those fighters, then bear all weapons on that ship and destroy her.
Worf: Phasers readied, Fired!
[Several wide phaser blasts destroy a large majority of fighters. The
remaining fighters return to the Argo.]
Worf: Photon Torpedoes, armed...fired!
[Argo is engulfed in cloud of energy, smoke and fire, as wave after wave of
torpedoes hit it. Soon, the Argo can no longer be seen as the cloud becomes
opaque. After several minutes, the Enterprise ceases fire.]
Worf: Four dozen torpedoes scored direct hits on the alien vessel. She must
be totally vaporized in the cloud.
Picard: Very well. It had to be done. Scan the wreckage, then we'll proceed
to Starbase 69 for repairs and debriefing.
Wesley: S...S...Sir, LOOK!
[All look at Wesley, who points to the screen. All look at the screen, to
see the Argo, battered but functional, emerging from the smoke and fire]
[Scene cuts to Argo]
Sandor: They destroyed Bridge Number Three.
Wildstar: 3...2...1... FIREEEEEE!
[Space lights up as the massive Wave-Motion Beam streaks out from the front
of the Argo, towards the Enterprise. There is a large light show as the
beam hits the Enterprise shields and destroys them. Finally, the
Enterprise is engulfed by the beam, and flares as if a sun had gone nova.
This effect lasts for several minutes, and after the glow has faded, the
Enterprise is gone]
Venture: Whew! That was a close one.
Wildstar: Sure was. Send out the repair teams. Let's move on with our
mission. We have a planet to save.
Nova: Oh, Derek!
[Argo fades into background, trailing wisps of smoke.]
------------------------
And that's the way it was (or would be?)
Editor's Notes: information pieces has been stripped
for fanzine publication purposes
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