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Star Trek TNG: The Wrath of the Tribbles
Article 13327 of rec.arts.startrek:
>From: [email protected] (-=paul=-)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: Re: Even more fun for you
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 13 Jul 88 15:53:15 GMT
References: <even more crossposting for you>
Sender: [email protected]
Reply-To: [email protected] (-=paul=-)
Organization: Zinger Research Cabal & The Harlequinade
Lines: 425
[i'm sure you'll enjoy this much more than i did]
In article <[email protected] [email protected] (Dwight Lewis) writes:
This is my first attempt at a parody of ST:TNG. I typed this in using a
Macintosh, and uploaded it to the mainframe using MacKermit. I blame any
and all typos on my spellchecker and on Kermit.
You may foward this to whomever you wish, or you may print it out
and use it to line your birdcage. Please give credit to the author.
Mark Kadas
[email protected]
______________________________________________________________________________
STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
The Wrath of the Tribbles
Picard: Captain's Log, Stardate Some Meaningless Number.
Having successfully completed our first season, we are headed
for a much needed rest on the planet Playtex. I have this
strange feeling that something is about to happen. Not
something new and innovative, but something which has been
done before, a strange sense of deja-vu. The funny
thing is that I've been having this feeling so much recently.
Wesley: Captain, priority transmission coming from Starfleet.
Picard: Shut up, Wesley.
Wesley: You're only saying that because I'm young. It's not fair! I save
the Enterprise every third episode and no one treats me like an
adult!
Picard: Number One, take Acting Ensign Crusher out and beam him into
a wall.
Riker: Come along now, Wesley.
Wesley: [Frightfully] It's not my fault! Maybe if the writers had a better
concept of my character I wouldn't say stupid things like that.
Besides, you just can't kill off crew members! Only Gene can do
that!
Picard: Well, I suppose you're right after all,Ensign. There are even
more two-dimensional characters on the bridge. [Picard begins to
eye Troi.]
Riker: Captain, we can't get rid of Counselor Troi! Where would this
ship be without cleavage!
Picard: True. But if we did get rid of Troi, maybe you wouldn't go
around smiling so much. In any case, find the writers and
phaser them, Number One. Someone please put Starfleet on. I
suspect they're getting a wee-bit peeved after being put on hold
while we discuss who we sack next.
Riker: Right away, sir. [Exits]
[Off-stage: the sound of phaser fire. ]
Picard: [Annoyed] Somebody please open up hailing frequencies.
Everyone: Sorry, don't know how.
Geordi: Sir, perhaps the communications channels will open if you stare
at the ceiling.
Data: Maybe it'll work if you say 'Uhura'. It always worked for Kirk.
Picard: [Miffed] Damn Gene. I told them to put a Communications
station on the bridge. He said, "Let Tasha do communications
and security. Now she's dead, and no one knows how to work
the bloody com. unit! [Looks at ceiling] I wish that the damn
communication channels were open.
[An image of a perturbed Starfleet admiral appears on the view screen]
Admiral: Ah, Jean-Luc. I see that you've finally found out how to work
our new 'Disney-Tech' interface system. Just say, "I wish.."
and the controls activate. A lot simpler than those weird
systems some people over the net suggested.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your shore leave
between seasons has been canceled.
Everyone: Aw, shucks.
Admiral: You are to deliver an emergency shipment of Penta-triticalene
to the colony of Bozocus Minor. Stop over at Star Base 512 to pick
up supplies and extra photon torpedoes. You only have 3
stardates left to eradicate 22 Klingon Battlecruisers.
Picard: Excuse me, sir?
Admiral: Sorry, been playing too many games on my UNIX account. Good
luck, and watch out for spies. Last time a Federation vessel did
this, it was pretty messy. Admiral out.
Troi: I sense...
Everyone: Arrrrrgh!
Picard: Not again!
Troi: [Continues] Redundancy! Deadlines! A writer's strike! The
return of old series plots!
Picard: Let us hope that it's not as bad as that.
[Commercial. Someone tries to convince you that the Toyota V-6 is not a
rinky-dink car.]
Picard: Mr. LaForge, reprogram the damn computer back to the way it
was.
LaForge: Aye, sir.
[Jordi walks into the elevator doors. He then says,"I wish the #%&* doors
would open!" Exits.]
Picard: Mr. Data, please track down any previous incidents involving
penta-triticalene.
[Data pulls out a detective hat, pipe and magnifying glass]
Data: Elementary, my dear Captain.
Picard: Mr. Data, if you do not stop this nonsense this instant, I'm
selling you to Robotech for spare parts!
Data: Yes, sir.
Picard: Besides, this is a job for Dixon Hill.
[Picard puts on a grey 20th century hat and exits]
[Switch to external view of Enterprise zipping through warp space. (We
have to j
Picard: Oh. Have fun. Don't step in number two, Number One.
[Picard, Worf, and Geordi exit.]
Picard: Mr. Data, you are in charge of loading the penta-triticalene.
Data: Sir, what is penta-triticalene?
Picard: It's a hybrid of wheat. Even Chekov knew that!
[Data exits]
[Switch to interior shot of Starbase 512. Data is walking along in corridor
when someone steps out in front of him with dustbuster (sorry, phaser)]
Data: [Surprised] Lore?
Figure: Wrong, dear brother. It is I, Lech!
[Shoots Data and drags him off into broom closet. Emerges wearing Data's
uniform, and lecherous smile]
Lech: [Pulling tribble from pocket] Soon, we shall show them who is
superior, my little beauty.
[Commercial. A comparison of hair-replacement techniques.]
[Enterprise. Lech catches up to Troi.]
Lech: Hey, babe.
[Grabs Troi and kisses her.]
Troi: Oh, Data, your cabin or mine?
[Walk away, leaving a thoughtful Wesley behind.]
[Picard walks by.]
Wesley: Captain, I have to talk to you about Data's strange behavior.
Picard: Shut up, Wesley.
Wesley: Captain?
Picard: Sorry. Just a reflex reaction. Please continue.
Wesley: Data has been acting extremely unlike himself lately. For
example, he's been swapping dirty jokes with Engineering,
and doing naughty things with Counselor Troi.
Picard: Hmmm. He certainly sounds lecherous. Thank-you Wesley, I'll
have to keep a close watch on Mr. Data.
[Picard starts to leave]
Wesley: Captain, was that better?
Picard: Yes, Wesley. You're not whining . That new writer we
got for you is a marked improvement.
[Picard exits. Wesley enters Sick Bay.]
Wesley: Hi, mom. What 'cha doin'?
Dr. Crusher: Hello, Wesley. I'm working on a complicated new vaccine.
[Dr. Crusher reaches up and opens a cabinet. Five tons of tribbles fall on
her, smothering her.]
Wesley: [Aghast] Oh God, mom's dead! [Starts to cry] Why couldn't she
have just kissed up to Gene like everyone else? Now she's been
killed by tribbles, of all things.
[Riker enters]
Riker: Wesley, what's wrong? What are all these fuzzy things doing in
Sick Bay? Where's your mom?
Wesley: [Wailing] She's dead! She was killed when she reached up to
open that cabinet and all those tribbles fell on her!
Riker: Hmmm. That cabinet is right next to where we're storing the
penta-triticalene. I'd better go check on the wheat.
Wesley: What about my mother?
Riker: Don't act like you didn't know this was coming! It was on
Rec.Arts.Startrek for months!
[Riker exits]
[Riker goes to door of storage compartment. He tries to open door using
manual controls. The door refuses to open.]
Riker: Computer, open the door.
Computer: Sorry, I can't do that Dave.
Riker: What? Why?
Computer: The door is blocked by a mass of tribbles, Dave.
Riker: [Hits communicator] Riker to Bridge.
[Switch to Bridge. Picard punches button on chair's control panel]
Picard: Bridge. Captain Picard here.
Riker: [Over intercom] Sir, the wheat has been consumed by tribbles.
In addition, Dr. Crusher has been killed by a mass of falling
tribbles.
Picard: [Dramatically] Oh, God.
Riker: Sir, I'm afraid it gets worse. Wesley's been overacting.
Picard: Thank-you Number One. [Pushes button] Picard to Wesley, stop
overacting and get into position to save the ship.
Wesley: [Over intercom] [Stifles sob] Yes, sir.
Picard: [Pushes button] Picard to Data, please report to the bridge, Mr.
Data.
[Switch to Auxiliary Transporter]
Lech: [Hits Intercom button] Ha, Picard. You're too late. I've signalled
the great space tribble which destroyed the colony of Bozocus
Minor! You're all going to die! [Maniacal laughter] Ha-ha-ha-ha!
[Switch to Bridge. A giant Tribble suddenly zooms into view on the
monitor]
Picard: Oh, Lord.
[Commercial. A toothpaste attempts to show how kids love to brush with
it.]
Picard: [Chuckles] This is ludicrous. Lt. Worf, set phasers on "Reduce to
component atoms."
Worf: Yes, sir.
Picard: Fire when ready, Gridley.
[External view. The Enterprise shoots phasers at the tribble and it
explodes dramatically.]
Picayone
care to save the day?
Geordie: Captain, how about setting the computer to find all tribbles on
the ship and beam them into the Holodeck. We can then
transform the matter of the tribbles into penta-triticalene.
Picard: Excellent idea, Lt. LaForge. Make it so.
[Wesley enters]
Picard: Captain's Log: Stardate another random number. After having
vanquished the ship-load of tribbles, the giant space tribble, and
another bogus Data, we are headed for the colony of Bozocus
Minor to help the famine starved colonists. The ship is saddened
by the loss of the Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Beverly Crusher. I
most of all, because we were supposed to have gotten
romantically involved in a season or two. We still have another
three minutes to fill before the credits, and I'd like to explore
some new areas of the Picard character.
[Suddenly there is a flash, and Q is standing on the bridge.]
Picard: Oh no, not you again. Why can't you leave us alone so we can do
some character development?
Q: Surprise, surprise, surprise. It's not really me, but it's...
[Suddenly Q transforms into Gene Roddenberry]
Gene: Me. God. I'd like to talk with you about trying to explore the
depths of your character. To put it bluntly, Jean-Luc, you're
fired. You're fired, too Riker, Geordie, Troi. What the hell!
Everybody's fired! Everybody but Wesley. Wesley, now you can
whine and mope and do all those things that really peeve off the
Trekkers! Good luck, Capt. Wesley.
[Gene vanishes in a flash of light.]
Wesley: Anybody left? [Pushes communications buttons] Anybody at all
still on the ship? Anyone? [Sighs] This is going to be real
lonely. Not to mention boring for the fans. Gene Roddenberry
must be crazy.
[And so it is.]
[Credits.]
Fin.
"If you can't get the President on the phone, you're gonna have to answer
to the Coca-cola Company." -Dr. Strangeglove
--
The Samuri Switcher strikes again! * L. Dwight Lewis
CSnet:[email protected] * %School of Mass-Com
UUCP: ...!cbatt!osu-cis!bgsuvax!lewis * BG, OH 43403
Disclaimer: I'm responsible for the above. Everyone else is irresponsible!
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