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Star Trek VIII
Filename: p.124
Category: Star Trek (tm) parodies
Title(s): Star Trek VIII
The Voyage Home: Episode 4
Author(s): David J. Young
Newsgroup: rec.arts.startrek
Poster: David J. Young
Date posted: 1990 08 27 18:39:42 GMT
First date published: 1990 08 27 18:39:42 GMT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week's questions:
---------------------
1. Will Jim's fainting spell mean that he misses out on tea and chocolate
biscuits? Answer: YES
2. Will Scotty turn up with the heavy artillery in time to get Jim
out of his predicament? Answer: NO
3. Was even a four iron not quite enough? Answer: NO, IT WASN'T
ENOUGH. A THREE MIGHT HAVE DONE IT THOUGH.
The first correct entry out of the bag was from: Mr.Sodoff Baldrick,
9 Trouser Down Way, Scruffington, England. And his chosen prize of a
16lb turnip will be sent off to him as soon as possible.
Second prize goes to a Mr.Manuel Noriega, Cell 3, Florida State
Penitentiary, 12 Buttercup Lane, Miami, Florida, USA. And he wins a
complete boxed collection of Bruce Springsteen's greatest hits. Hope
you appreciate them Manuel!
..Meanwhile, back at the ranch,
:-) \|/ ___-___ o==o======= . . . . .
-*--- -- -- =========== ||//
/|\ \ \_|//__
:-) #_______/
:-)
"Great shot Sulu!!!!"
"Thanks captain"
"...aagh!...look out!..there's three more closing in!"
"...The Dylithium Crystals canna take any more cap'n!"
"Shut up Scotty..."
Star Trek VIII, "The Voyage Home"
---------------------------------
Episode 4
---------
Dear Vaxtrek,
I was most excited to see the brief appearance of the camel in
episode 1. I have been an avid camel collector for over 20
years and am always on the look out for any glimpses of them I
can possibly get. So imagine my joy when one appeared, albeit
rather indistinctly in the background, in episode 1.
My friends and I have argued for weeks over the exact type of
camel you used....
[Jim groans, crumples up the letter and throws it on the ever growing
pile next to him]
[The last four weeks have been spent in the courtroom getting through
various legal preliminaries to the actual trial....In the meantime,
Jim had been glad of the 5 credits a week he had earned by taking up
the part time job of letter reader for the Vaxtrek Editorial
Office..but to be honest he was becoming a bit fed up with it now. It
had at first been a relief from the boredom of sitting in the
courtroom listening to the interminable legal proceedings going on
before him .....Now, luckily this was drawing to a close and the real
trial was about to begin....]
Clerk: "....and that it may not be resold, lent, exchanged, or
otherwise traded without the publisher's prior permission in any other
cover other than that in which it was purchased, and that a similar
condition be binding upon any subsequent purchaser, herein, outwith,
aforementioned, or otherwise before next Thursday."
Judge: "Are you SURE it says that? I'd like you to go over it again a
bit more slowly if you could. Never could quite get the hang of all
that legal speak."
Clerk: [Looking a little exasperated] "YES!! I'm sure m'lud. With
respect m'lud, I don't know how many times you've asked me to go over
that in the last four weeks, but it's about time we got the trial
started! If you weren't an eminent and respected judge of many years
standing, I'd be tempted to say you're stalling for time for some
reason....."
[He hands the paperback copy of "Lady Chatterly's Lover" back to the
Judge and sits down]
Judge: "...uh..emm...Alright alright...keep your hair on. Commence the
trial!"
Jim: [Looking up, suddenly startled by the movement and bustle in the
court] "Oh oh.....Looks like this is IT......" [Flicking open his
communicator] "Kirk here, ...Scotty, I seem to remember contacting you
about four weeks ago and very politely requesting you to get over here
double quick to spring me out of this situation...Your excuse better
be damn good..."
Scotty: "......Sorry cap'n,..we thought you were just joking...You
really MEANT it?"
Jim: "......"
Scotty: "You did mean it"
Jim: "...what the blazes have you been doing for the last four weeks,
man!! Surely it's not taken you that long to repair the ship?"
Scotty: "Och aye captain, we repaired the ship weeks ago....we've been
off on a couple of ..err..adventures since then..."
Jim: [Seething] "You went on an adventure without me!!??!?!?! Just you
wait till I get back to the ship...there's going to be trouble....Kirk
out!" [He smashes the communicator against the wall and tosses it
amongst the pile of crumpled letters. Scotty's voice crackles out
briefly from the smashed communicator "..Spock's gone missing again by
the way capt.." but ends abruptly when Jim's boot finishes it off]
Clerk: "Commencing the case for the prosecution.."
Gandalf: "Ahem!...The prosecution's case is brief and to the point.
This man is GUILTY, and given the hopelessness of his position we
fully expect him to plead GUILTY now and save us all a lot of bother.
That concludes the case for the prosecution."
[This was followed by a hard penetrating stare in Jim's direction
which made him feel decidedly uneasy]
Clerk: "I think at this point we should really ask the defendant how
he pleads...."
Judge: "I may be wrong here...but shouldn't we have done that at the
beginning?"
Clerk: "Yes yes...give me a chance ..this is the first time I've done
all this.....anyway....How do you plead, oh guilty man who standeth
before us, guiltily?"
Jim: "....NOT GUILTY!!"
[The court was in uproar!..The council for the prosecution were
fighting amongst themselves, the locals were jeering and throwing
vegetables again, and the clerk of the court was tearing his hair out
in handfuls.]
Clerk: [Once things had calmed down a little] "oh bloody 'ell!!!! Call
the first witness for the defence!"
Jim: "I didn't know I had any?"
Clerk: "We..erm..found a few for you..."
Jim: "Hey thanks!" [Jim starts smiling as things seem to be going
better at last. With someone to support his defence he might just have
a chance...though he couldn't quite work out why the council for the
prosecution also seemed to be smiling again...]
Clerk: "Call Mr.Arnold Johnson"
Jim: [Thinking to himself] "hmmm...that name sounds familiar...."
Clerk: "Right Mr.Johnson, do you promise to tell the truth, the whole
truth, and nothing but the truth?"
Johnson: "Nope"
Clerk: "Thanks goodness for that. Tell us some lies about the
defendant then."
Johnson: "Right!..This young whippersnapper was the son of
my next door neighbour Brad C. O'Flaherty..."
Judge: "..emm..sorry for butting in here...but ..O'Flaherty??, you
mean Kirk surely?"
Johnson: "Look, I was paid good money to lie about the defendant, so I
had to slip one in there......Not that I need to make anything up
about THIS character...."
Jim: "Damn...this is going badly....I've had it when he gets round to
telling them about the...."
Johnson: "...The matter which sticks most in my mind was the time when
Kirk here managed to 'accidentally' burn down my home one Christmas
Eve as we were all sleeping peacefully in our beds..."
[Cries of "Shame!" and "Hang him! Hang him!" went up all round the
court]
Johnson: [Now in tears] "...and I can never forgive myself for the day
I let him take my only daughter out for the evening.....She came back
in a coffin....then he killed my dog Snuffles in a shooting
'accident', ran my wife over in his car, and landed me up in jail for
25 years for attempted murder...."
[Things were looking bad for Jim...VERY bad....It was looking like he
had finally met his end...a public hanging....what could possibly save
him now?...]
Judge: "What about a legal technicality?"
[..yes that'd do....But the combined legal prowess in the room at the
time fell short of that possessed by a squirrel...What's more, none
of them were on Jim's side....or were they..]
Judge: [Who had been furiously studying a little book entitled
"Beginner's Guide to Legal Practice" for the last ten minutes] "I've
had enough of this. I will hear no more!"
[A cheer went up around the court as the crowd sensed Jim's sentence
was about to be delivered]
Judge: "On a legal technicality I am obliged to drop all charges
against the defendent.....The witness for the defence MUST be
cross examined by the defence council...This was not carried out
properly so I'm afraid all this doesn't count...sorry...collect your
hanging ticket refunds from the clerk of the court..thank you."
[The court was in uproar! (Not for the first time that day. If you
don't believe me see earlier on) The judge ducked under his desk as a
tomato splattered on the wall behind him.]
[Jim felt someone tugging at his arm...]
Judge: "They're all getting highly illogical....let's get out of
here!"
Jim: [Giving him a big slobbery kiss...yucko!] "Spock!"
Spock: "Yuuuech!...come on!!! there's not much time...."
[by some miracle they manage to make their way safely out of the
courtroom through the crowds of angry locals (Well ok..the miracle was
actually due to Spock's phaser which was more than a match for the
tomatoes and cabbages being wielded by the locals...EVEN in close hand
to hand skirmishes). Not far off they spot Scotty waiting patiently
with two red jerseyed guards]
Jim: "We better make this realistic..."
[He grabs Spock's phaser and shoots the two guards dead]
Scotty: "There's no time for frills!...Come on!..ready to beam up?
yes..ok..."
[They materialise back aboard the Enterprise which then rapidly leaves
orbit and heads for deep space]
Jim: "What was the big hurry?"
Spock: "THAT!"
[He points at the viewing screen. Behind them the planet explodes
impressively, momentarily dazzling their eyes with the colourful
pyrotechnics.]
Scotty: "We spent the last four weeks planting charges all over the
planet...so you see we weren't exactly twiddling our thumbs."
Jim: [Slapping them both on the back] "Good work!"
Scotty: [A little embarrassed] "..though not strictly in accordance
with the Prime Directive, eh?"
Jim: "The WHAT???"
[They all burst out laughing...which is a nice, if rather cliched,
place to end this episode]
***** MORE VAX TREK SOON.....*****
******************************************************************************
Credits:
Storyline: David 'Getting Desparate' Young
Rotten Vegetables By: Bacterial action
Computer System Kindly Run By: Those Wonderful Comp.Centre Peeps.
And thanks especially to our wonderful
system security manager who has kindly
overlooked this particular breach.
Special Thanks to: The Ops,CNBP01,CRAA15,CLIP07
CBAR28, and many others for their
undying support for the author through his most
troubled times, and for chipping in to pay
for the psychiatric help.
Legal Consultant: We didn't have one. Did you notice?
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