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Planet of the Zombie Creditors

by Chuan Chee

Kirk: Captain's Personal Log. Stardate 8976.4. Due to certain incidents resulting in my demotion to Captain, the Enterprise has been reassigned to less provocative duties. I haven't summoned up the courage yet to tell the crew that the ship is now assigned to the Collections Department of American Express. I have tried to prepare them for that fact by distributing the new little Roman gladiator badges and by walking up to various crewman and saying "Hi! Do you know me?..." So far these methods have had little success. We are now approaching our first assignment. I'll have to do my best to bluff my way around it.

Kirk: Standard orbit, Mr. Sulu.

Sulu: Aye, sir.

Kirk: (whispering to Uhura) Lt., open a channel and send the following message. "Mr. Quortlewester, we regret to inform you the your account is hopelessly overdue. You have ten minutes to remit your balance via subspace credit. If you fail to comply, then we have no alternative but to confiscate your Pontiac Space Buggy and your microwave."

Uhura: But, sir! I don't understand.

Kirk: It's ..uh... a new Federation ultra-secret code. Just send the message Lt.

Spock: Captain, I've conducted a full sensor sweep of the planet and while there is evidence of a large civilization, I've failed to detect any life readings.

Kirk: That's odd. What do you make of it, Bones?

McCoy: Well, the lack of life readings would suggest a Zomboid civilization.

Kirk: Then you mean, Quortlewester....

McCoy: Yes, he's undead, Jim.

Sulu: (whispering to Chekov) Who's Quortlewester?

Chekov: I don't know. Perhaps he is a Romulan agent?

Kirk: (to Uhura) Any response, Lt.?

Uhura: No sir, there is no response.

Kirk: Open a hailing frequency.

Uhura: You're on, Captain.

Kirk: Alright, Quortlewester, we know you're down there. Are you going to come up with the money or do I have to get nasty?

Quortlewester: (on viewscreen) Just try and touch my microwave, Kirk. I'll send you to the very fires of Hell.

Spock: He has a valid point, Captain. Zomboids have tremendous psychic powers at short range.

Kirk: Hmmm. Perhaps we can intimidate him from here. Mr. Chekov, prepare the Video Effects Generator.

Chekov: Chroma-key locked, sir.

Kirk: Now Chekov!

(Various unflattering images appear on Quortlewester's tie and then switch to his shirt and then to his jacket. Meanwhile, the bridge crew is in hysterics.)

Quortlewester: No! Stop! You are humiliating me. Arghhhhhhhhhh!

Kirk: Had enough?

Quortlewester: Alright, alright! I'll put a check in the mail first thing Monday morning!

Kirk: Not good enough! Chekov, prepare to overlay his image onto the last scene of The Harlem Globetrotter's on Gilligan's Island.

Quortlewester: No! No! I'm transmitting the credit transfer now!

Kirk: Captain's Personal Log. Stardate 8976.9. To prevent any embarrassing questions from the crew, I have declared the Quortlewester incident as Top Secret to be discussed on penalty of total credit annihilation. Meanwhile, as we proceed to our next assignment, I have scheduled a few sessions with the ship's psychologist in the hopes of discovering why I'm beginning to like this sort of work.

Announcer: Next Week: Kirk and Co. go after those notorious late payers, Mr. and Mrs. Schmidlapp of Arpus XII, while Spock seems to have mis-placed his Gold Card.

 
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