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Solution for Space Quest II
GREETINGS READER OF FINE SCI/FI/COMEDY. I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS SECOND
CHAPTER IN THE SPACE CRUISER INVERNESS SAGA. ONE DAY I HOPE THESE STORIES
TAKE THEIR PLACE BESIDE NAPOLEANS WAR DIARIES AND THE MEMORIES OF JULIUS
CAESAR. WELL ACTUALLY I HOPE ONE DAY THEY SERVE A MINOR PURPOSE IN SOME WAY,
LIKE LINING THE BOTTOM OF A PARROTS CAGE.
A NORWEIGIAN BLUE OF COURSE!!!
SHOGUN
EXECUTIVE EDITOR
Message #74
To: THE UNIVERSE
From: Shogun 27 20:56:11 4-Mar-91
Subject: SPACE CRUISER INVERNESS II
UNITED EARTH DISPATCH #00:0002325463211
!SOF
RECEIVE: UNITED EARTH STARSHIP INVERNESS
REGARDING: MISSION X
FROM: Field General Amor T. Keneetranseven-Smith-Smyth
---------------------------------------------------------
Uhhmmm. Is this thing on? Umm Right. To the captain of the starship
Inverness, regarding your reassignment procedures. You and your crew have
been taken out of suspended service in order to serve the United Earth
armed services on one of the most important missions yet to have been
assigned to the uhh... oh I forgot what I was going to say. Ummm well
you've got this really really important mission that you must not fail.
But for the life of me I can't remember what the hell it was. Well umm I
guess I'll get my secretary to outline the mission in the next dispatch.
So umm, I guess I'll umm just sorta ummm sign off. Now. Well actually
now. No now. NO I'll sign off now. No, defintely now. Yup I feel it
coming, yes yes oh yes, uh huh thats it I'll sign off. Yes, signing
off... Riiiiiiiiiigghtt Now!
---------------------------------------------------------
<Thats right They are back! Those wacky crew members of the Starship
Inverness are back! As soon as I (Or anyone else) figures out what
exactly their mission is, they will be back in hyperspace. Not that
anyone cares. REMEMBER, COMEDY IS THE MAIN PART OF THESE STORIES. I.E.
HITCHIKERS GUIDE TYPE STUFF.>
Message #75
To: ALL TRUE BELIEVERS
From: Shogun 27 17:34:21 8-Mar-91
Subject: SPACE CRUISER YAM... err Inverness
Life has always been hard. That is apparent to every being in the
universe from birth, and its apparency will continue forever. This
horrible fact is especially apparent to starship captains, whose ships
remain in useless orbit around a tiny pebble in one corner of the galaxy.
In orbit around a useless pebble, because of the buracratic ramblings of
that species of life called... the officer. This was what the Captain of
the United Earth Starship Inverness knew only to well.
" Get me that orbit report lieutenant," the captain whined as he did
every non-descript day of ever non-descript week of every non-descript
year that the Captain and his crew wasted in orbit," I need it
eventually... Dammit!"
" Uhhhhhh," the lieutenant slurred his words slowly because he knew there
was nothing that the Captain could do about his situation, I mean where
could he send him... this was hell,"uuuuuuuuuu," the lieutenant
continued,"uuuuuuuuI'm not done yet... its incomplete, the report I
mean."
" Oh," the Captain wondered how unusual it was for the lieutenant to be
conscious, then he wondered how it was possible for people to see stuff,
then his brain skipped a few grooves and he thought about Jello and then
for a brief second, a small mini-sized extremely brief, darn annoyingly
small, over-described... second, the Captain thought about how neat it
would be to leave orbit and go on a mission of some kind.
" Captain!" a voice broke the monotony," We are receiving a scan, ummm or
a report or ummm ah I can't remember what their called?"
" A message?" the Captain droned boringly, in disbelief.
" Yes, a message... from United Earth Star Command." the voice spoke the
words as though they had emerged from his mouth like thundering
mega-donkeys pushing their way through the mighty Altarian jungles,
clearly saturated in a deep cheese sauce... well thats how I thought it
sounded," They want us to search for............"
Message #76
To: and fro.
From: Shogun 27 15:36:44 9-Mar-91
Subject: CLASSIFIED.
".....the lost cruiser Yamato!"
" Yamato! YAMATO! YAMATO!!!", the Captains voice rose in an ASCII
orgasm," AAAAAHHHHRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!"
The Captain remained tightly strapped in his seat seething like he
never seethed before. His eyes ached, as they bulged pressing against the
sides of his skull. His heart pounded from anger, and slowly he rose and
was mysteriously pulled back down. He tried to rise again and, again he
was pulled back into his seat. One more time he stood and snapped back
into his seat. Then he took off his seatbelt. He stormed toward the
turbolift as it raced down to the ships Infirmary.
" Damn it Captain," the voice of doctor Bo'Nes'McOy, a Rigilean (Strangely
enough from Rigel IV) Medical student who visited the Inverness once and
never left," What the hell do you want?!"
" AHHHHGGG, I seem to BURST INTO FITS OF ANGER... whenever I hear the
word YAMATO!!!" the Captain kindly demonstrated.
" Wait a minute!" said Bo'Nes, clearly angered himself because the
Captain had disturbed his mental can opener experiments, which weren't
exactly running smoothly... he kept cutting his forehead," I'll get Dr.
Crane!"
The Captain waited, looking around the room, waiting for something to
annoy him. Suddenly a dangerous looking ballpoint pen rolled of the
nearby table. The Captain screamed in fury, he looked at the pen,
despising its very existance. He jumped it from behind and began to
slaughter the pen insanely, wondering why the author had the bright idea
to have a pen for him to attack. I mean why couldn't it have been a cute
little space robot, that could have been merciliously smashed to bits,
or maybe a....
" Uh Captain?" the balding ships psychologist frowned as he looked at his
once proud pen.... oh god what a horrible author," What uh seems to be
the uh trouble?"
" I uh am having a little mental unrest." the Captain sttod up and
straightened his uniform.
" Well lets go down to deck C for a drink......" Dr Crane's words stopped
dead, as he hoped some enlightened enlightener, would enlighten him on
why he was going down to deck C.
Message #77
To: night's the night.
From: Shogun 27 18:27:22 12-Mar-91
Subject: ive material inclusive.
The Captain and Doctor Crane ventured their way down to the recreation
deck on the Inverness. They ventured in through the turbo door which
kindly opened for them and were immediately beset by the calls of several
crewmen, sitting around the bar.
" Norm!!!" several of the bar-guys called out.
The Captain looked puzzled for a moment and then realized the
significance of this and really got puzzled. Nevertheless, the Captain
and the good doctor moved to one of the tables near the big piture
window, overlooking a wide view of the stars.
" Now, Captain, can I call you Captain?" the shrink paused.
" Oh... yes." the Captain replied with a wit as sharp as a razor-blade.
" I believe that you are using the word Yamato," the Captains face went
red and he kept his mouth clamped shut,"... uh yes, the word Yamato, as a
release valve, because of your undying need for attention."
" No." the Captain pulled out his side-arm, and faster than you can say
'Incredible plot change, unseen and unwarned by the stupid author', he
fired a cool azure light (where did that come from? <grin> ) directly
past the stunned doctor. The Capatain never could git a target, even a
target a few millimetres away. Suddenly, the Captain got up and raced
towards the bridge, shouting orders into his communicator, from the
turbolift... thats just how anxious he was to partake in a mission or
two. The crew responed with all the energy and enthusiasm of a........
End of Thread
Message #78
To: All
From: Kheldar 42 22:11:35 12-Mar-91
Subject: Continue
**Well here goes another literary masterpiece from BF enterprises (huh,
howd I do dat).**
.... dead slug. Instead of leaping into action they just sorta lay
there. Not moving a muscle. The Captain surveyed his surroundings,
"Yup,"he thought"This is the bridge." He shouted at them, shook them and
slapped them but they all seemed to have passed out. He then realized
they were unconcious. "Holy ....
*** Boy is dat one hot story er what ***
-=>>Kheldar<<=-
Message #79
To: Kheldar 42
From: Everman 1 0:16:02 13-Mar-91
Subject: Continue
(Reply to message 78)
.... Doodle Batman!! the captain stated, wondering where he had come up
with doodle? and who the hell was batman?........... the ships computer
broke in
" Batman: a costumed hero of 20th century earth, fought super
villians such as riddler, Catwoman, and the most famous the Joker, Bruce
wanes parents were mudar..... "
" Yes computer fine fine... now what was I going to do, oh yea the crew is
out and" Alarm Klaxons rang out RED ALERT!! RED ALERT!! wha, wha....
whats going on stammerd as he walked over to the tacktical station,
GET UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he shouted over ship wide inter comm!
and the battle trained crew of the UES Inverness came to life, jumping or
hopping or actually more like a sorta jump hop, yeah skipping. The crew
skipped into action pushing buttons like mad hoping that one of them actually
worked. the main viewer sparked to life... and covering the whole screen was
a Warship a warship from the UES Darkest most evil enemy... The.......
Reply: 80
Message #80
To: Everman 1
From: Shogun 27 20:05:25 13-Mar-91
Subject: Continue
(Reply to message 79)
.....Gaborian Zhsa Zhasian. It was awesome in tis power. It was dark. It
was foreboding. It reduced. The author to. Speak in. Shorter. And. Short.
Sentences.
Nowhere the ship could turn, could have it escape from the overwhelming
feeling of isolation and intimidation, that she felt as again the other
girls tormeted her... um... Sorry. The Gaborian immediately hailed the
Inverness.
" Sir, the Gaborian is hailing us!" a young man in Comms, spoke up
suddenly, splicing the air like a big pair of wire strippers and some
black electricians tape.
" Put her on son." the Captain got real cool all of a sudden, sat upright
in his seat, and cracked open a 'Slim-fast-Galactic-weight-loss-stuff'
cannister like it was beer, directly against his forehead.
" Can I get you a Bandaid (tm)?" the pointlessly placed female 'I don't
have anything to do, I just look pretty' officer placed a delicate hand
on the Captains bloody brow," Or anything else..."
" Ummm! I'm married!" the Captain lied, quickly gathering himself up from
the floor and brushed himself off. Of course the hull of the Inverness
was dust proof, and since dandruff was outlawed in 2035, his gesture was
pointless," Comms! Open a Channel!"
" Open sir!" the young man, touched an expensive proximity switch
triggered by body heat, mistakenly setting off several others around it,
but finally setting up the communications for incomming messages," They
should be talking ay time!"
" CX????hdxsv??dsh????dghd ?ge63gbsaj??gshds", said the Gaborian's
offical translator.
" Uh Comms," the Captain paused as he waited for the lieutenant to adjust
parameters. The alien ships words came through in Norwigien at first but
eventually, the words began to sound like english... with a heavy
american accent.
" Hey, You all! What you trying ta pull he-are!" instantly the Captain's
back bristled, as his mind went back to his schools days and his Math
teacher, who spoke with a similar accent.
" We uh... we uh uh," the Captain smartly returned with that witty
comeback he learned in a seedy space bar, " Uuhh Huh."
" Waell? Whot are you all gonna do about.......," thats all she wrote.
(Well he actually.)
< GLAD TO SEE SOMEONE ELSE PARTICIPATING!!!!!! >
Message #81
To: Shogun 27
From: Wizz Kid 74 23:15:11 13-Mar-91
Subject: Continue
(Reply to message 80)
As the Captain commanded his ship to be turned around the alien cruiser
pulled along side.
"???????????????;;?????'" Put through the translator that was just
recently purchased, the words-> Stop this ship before I blow you away!
Being stubern as the Cap' always was, he sent a brief message stating he
was on his way to destroy the emperor and that if he dare cross his path
he shall be pulverized and will disinigrate soul and all.
They alien ship retreated with grave fear for no one has ever challenged
the great emperor. As the Captain's ship was heading back to his home
planet, someone else must of heard the transmittion and a fuzzy voice was
speaking through the static.
" I heard every word you said" replyed the staticy voice "If you really
think you can beat me then you will face your doom"
The crew began to grow goose bumps all through their bodies for the
Captain would never let anyone call him a chicken.
" To sector HH6" freeked the Captain in a loud deep voice. You could
detect the fright in his words as he spoke. "This eeeemperor thinks he's
tough eh? We'll show him whose boss"
As the ship began to move in closer to sector HH6, you could almost
taste the fear in the ship's command center.
"Are you really going to challenge the emperor?" A crew member
stutered.
" I never refuse an offer to a fair challenge" Boasted the Captain.
Sweat was dripping off of the crew's foreheads onto the controls. The
room was silent except for the sound of heavy breathing.
"We're all gonna DIE!!" Shouted a solider with his eyes cruched and
his hands together as he prayed for his wife and children on his home
planet.
The emperor's ship was getting much closer and you could almost see
every detail on it's side.
"Fire" Gulps the Captain!
Nothing happened. The crew was paralized with fear.
Up on the view screen a figure blurred in.
"Is that you Emp?" the captain asked as he began to turn a whitish
color.
"Yes, it is I"
" You fixed our screen!!" Yells a driver in terror.
Prepare to be nutralized states the Captain as he take overthe
controls.
His finger slowly presses down on the lazer cannon's launching
button. The lazers spert out and.......................
<Someone continue?>
Message #82
To: ALL
From: Everman 1 16:07:42 14-Mar-91
Subject: ok
----Lazers? who uses lazers?-- this is the Inverness we use Mass
Drivers, plasma and photon torpedos, and phasers. lazer oh well lazers
can be the minor weapons-------------------------------------------------
the lazer cannon spewed a tight beem of crimson it streaked toward the
alien ship. the enemy had not expected this sudden attack and was hit
shields down.---alien translation-->>>"Centurian the earthers have fired
a lazer at us, we have sustained minor damage to the life support system,
recommend you stall for time well we make repairs,
yes ensign I wil stall for time, ofen a channel to the earther
ship!---back over at the Inverness------
Sir!! SIR!!! we got lucky and caused minor damage to their LS systems!
"ls? LS> ensign what the hell is the LS?"
"life support sir"
"oh yes, of course, just testing you, good good now power up the Mass
Driver and the Photon torpedos an...
" sir, incomeing message from the enemy they wish to talk over terms of
their surrender"
"Surrender, I wanna blow them up, do we have to accept their surrender
number one?" the captain spoke with his 2nd in command,
"well sir, UES protocall states we must do all we can to avoid comabat
and since you fired first without even talking to them, We better"
"AWWW fooey! I wanna blow them up, a hell, ensign open a channel to the
enemy"
-----back over at the bad guys--------
"Centurian all repairs are copleated!"
"good, raise shields ready Disruptors, on my mark....FIRE!!!"
-----gee, these guys are mean, bact over to the inverness------
"well ensign have they responded to our acceptance of their surrender?"
"no sir I'm still wai........"
"CAPTAIN!!!! the enemy has fired disruptors!!!!"
"Evasive action" barked the captain "pattern Tango sierra 9er!!!, Target
Primary and secondary Batterys!!"
The ship rocks with an explosion and the crew fly around in an all too
dramatic effect, flying over councles swaying back an forth in opposit
patterns and so on.. then the mandatory DATA type Android/robot speaks up
from the op's councle"
"Captain, damage reports forward deflectors at 97.6% effiency minor
danmage reported to secondary hull."
"Damn them to Hell!!! fire all weapons!!!
Sparks of intense light fly from the bow of the ship indicating photon
torpedos are launched, they strike the enemy ship and are absorbed by the
shields, and azure Beam of Highly Intense light Streaks from the saucer
section of the Inverness---yes it looks like the Enterprise, just to keep
things simple---
the azur beam strikes the enemy shields and are absorbed, shortly after
this the crimson lazer also is absorbed. From the Bow of the inverness a
Bright light erupts from 4 round holes of about 1m in diameter, the Mass
Drivers have fired, four solid Projectiles weighing around a tone each
are fired at the enemy and strike the already weakend shields, the shield
absorb the first to hits, and then disappear the 3rd projectile smashes
into the right wing of the ship sending shards of Duraniam Carbide armor
flying, the forth projectile Rams into the support strut of ate starbord
Nacell weaking in considerably.
"Captain I report 2 solid hits from mass Drivers 3 and 4 enemy has
sustained superficial damage to it's starbord wing, and major internal
damage to it's starbord nacell, I also report the Internal structure is
severaly damaged in the same area,"
"Good, fire phasers target Right Nacell strut!"
the Blue beam again streaks toward the enemy but this time it's no longer
blocked by the shields, it connects near the same area That the Mass
Driver projectile did, scarring the strut again the scar creaps toward
the damaged area as the beam is sustained by the Inverness, it covers the
Damaged part of the enemy alltogeather, Sparks erupt from the strut, an
explosion armor, and structure spirial out into the void, the beam again
makes a second pass over the next to gone strut, more armor is vaporized
(or in space I guess it's crystalized, whatever)-- and a short stucco of
explosions follow, the Starbord Naccel Rips away from the Enemy ship,
electrical wires Meters in diameter wipback and forth by the tear in the
ship, and the necell is whiriled away into the black sea of space.
"SIR!! the Enemy ship ---someone give this thing a name--- has sustained
critical damage to it's starbord nacell, correction sir the nacell is
gone!! I report minor damage in most other areas of the ship, and
moderate electrical damage throught.
"YEA!!!!!!!!" a cheer goes up through the ship
"SIR!!!! SIRRRR!!!! their firing their return salvo!!"
"ALL hands, attention ALL hands, prepair for Sever Impact, repeat impact
WARNING!!!!!!!" the captain spoke into the ship wide intercomm..........
---------------------------------------------------------------------
wow what a long one 78 lines, this isn't bad keeping it fairly serious ok
someone play the return salvo, make it heavy but remember if the
Inverness is destroyed, the story ends, in other words DON"T KILL OUR
SHIP!!!!!!, but make it exciting.
Everman
Message #83
To: Everman 1
From: Shogun 27 19:05:22 14-Mar-91
Subject: ok
(Reply to message 82)
......and then fell silent, noticing the menacing alien ship, identified
by shape only, as the Gaborian, through Galactic-Mainframe ship
identi-software. The Gaborian was going through various stages of subtle
transformation. Twin towers rose from the forward hull, illuminating the
inky blackness of space, only slightly. Suddenly an opening appeared in
the ship. Instantly thousands of small manuverable fighter craft began to
pour out of the enemy ship. The comms panels in the Inverness lit up in
confusion. Signals criss-crossed through the surrounding space, and the
Inverness started recieving them all simultaniously. The noise was
deafening. The VU meters went redline, yup dude... redline.
Only now and then could you hear segments of the alien fighter pilots
speech patterns... sounding incredibly similar to english.
" Luke, keep on target!" one voice seemed to yell, "Use the force."
muttered another.
Suddenly the author got serious. Twin towers on the Gaborian razed the
Inverness with support wave-motion columns of pure energy death. The
beams pierced the Inverness's engine shields, coming very close to making
the Inverness immovable.
" Captain! All battle stations reporting heavy enemy damage!" a young...
no an old ensign yelled through the chaos of the Inverness bridge.
" Divert all power to engine room on my command!" the Captain yelled
hoping against hope that someone would hear his words.
" On your command!" the helmsman retorted.
" Okay! Prepare for full reverse thrusters......."
Message #84
To: nights the night
From: Shogun 27 21:22:05 15-Mar-91
Subject: CLOISTERIZED
".......NOW!!!", finally the Inverness thrusters blasted the ship out of
the planets orbit, they had been caught in for so long. Suddenly an
engineer, wandering aimlessly through the engine room, set his lunch down
on the forward egine coloumns, setting off the warp crystals, thereby
forcing the Inverness into unintentional warp. The worst kind.
" We are cruising at warp 11.5 sir!" said a frightened ensign assigned to
sit in front of the big digital speedometer that constantly quoted off
high warp speed numbers to impress the audience.
" Decrease to warp factor 5 helm... um that alien ship isn't following us
is he?" the Captain looked worriedly at the helmsmans back. The helmsman
slowly turned around to reveal... a big green space monster stuck to his
face!
"Its stuck to your head!" his brother Ted burst onto the bridge, dressed
in camping fatigues, slowly pulling his fishing hat from a nearby
microwave oven. < Author note: Right now you're thinking I'm insane,
nope, but If you get the above joke, I'll pay you 1 million bucks!>
" ARGGGG!!!" the helmsman tumbled to the floor, and his brother
mysteriously dissapeared behind the scenery, to do a Zellers commercial,
" Get a Doctor!" a shipmate yelled," Not Fraiser, a REAL Doctor!"
" We don't need a doctor we need a bug zapper!" quipped a stupid looking
ensign trying to be funny.
" Whoa what about the ship?" the Captain turned to face the navigations
officer," Did the Gaborian leap to warp with us?"
" Eyyyeeeeeeee!" the Navigations Officer fell backward with two green
slimy things affixed to his face, looking like the two huge eyeballs of
an Iberian swamp bunny.
" We're dropping like flys sir!" yelled a voice," Who we gonna call....."
Reply: 85
Message #85
To: Shogun 27
From: Kheldar 42 22:58:10 15-Mar-91
Subject: CLOISTERIZED
(Reply to message 84)
... Ghandi busters !!!!. Four men burst into the room with antique (huh
cant remember the name) packs on thier backs. One waving a square object
around. He look over the captain and the helmsman with the green Ghandis
on their faces. "I think there over here somewhere" he says to his
companions. Just then the other 3 whip out the nozzles to thier weapons
and fire randomly about the ship doing little damage to anything except
the large digital warp speed readout and controls. "!#@^#^$&!" shouts
the computer. Thirty secs later the 4 men leave holding a smoking box
and singing, "who ya gonna call .....". The captain looks at his badly
burnt face in mirror. "Damn", he exclaims, "how am I ever gonna get that
blonde engineer now". The helmsman was in better shape, and after seeing
the warp panels passed out. off in the distance 3 phones could be heard
ringing and the voices heard sounded like "The guys warp repairs, Oh,
its for you". ......
L8R
Yet another great literary masterpiece from,
The one the only: -=>>Kheldar<<=-
Reply: 86
Message #86
To: Kheldar 42
From: Shogun 27 6:49:44 23-Mar-91
Subject: CLOISTERIZED
(Reply to message 85)
.....the ship and her crew lay in ruins. But by some miracle the green
Gandhis had dissapeared from sight. The Captain looked around puzzled as
he puzzledly looked around at his crew looking around with a puzzled air.
He straightened up and tugged on the bottom of his uniform, in a way
thats not only annoying its quite disturbing. With a crack so loud it
peirced the night... he pushed the intercom control.
" Calling all understudies! Calling all understudies! We need someone to
fill in for the navigations officer! That is all." the Captain spoke in a
monotonous voice. This announcment burst through the lobby as the
starving actors sitting there, made a run for the stage door. The
incredibly gorgeous californian blonde receptionist was no match for them
as they flooded past her. After much a do about nothing, including
auditions the character of second navigation officer Nohtyp Ytnom, was
born.
" Commander Ytnom, reporting for duty sir," the Captain straightened up
and again tugged on his uniform. It was an annoying habit he had picked
up form some bald guy in a Spaceport somewhere.
" Good, to see you aboard Ytnom. Say, you're not related to Carl Ytnom,
the famous technical manual author. Oh I loved his last book,'Technical
Guide #1252326: Computers guide to computers', yeah it was written
entirely in Hexadecimal notation, and you had to look up each letter in
this chart and....
" No. No, sir I'm not related to him." the man spoke in words to somber
to be the same actor that recently did that odor-eaters commercial. Much
to somber for a crewmember of the Inverness.
" Well anyway, get to your post!" the Captain became agitated," Take us
out of warp and lets take our position. Hmmm weren't we supposed to go on
a mission or something?"
" Yeah to rescue the Yamato!" said a foolish crewman.
" ARRGGGGG," the Captain upon hearing the name Yamato became enraged as
several helmsmen were trying to slow the ship down by the 'Oh try to hit
any button, one of them should work' method.........
87
Message #87
To: wards infinity.
From: Shogun 27 13:19:11 24-Mar-91
Subject: ONLY THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD!
......the crewmen on the Inverness finally stopped the ship when
Navigations officer Ytnom walked over to the besieged helmsmen and showed
them the script. Suddenly the blur of stars racing past the huge window
overlooking the bridge stopped. The Captain decided to stop here and have
a bit of a scream.
"AGGGGRRRRGGGGG!!!" he filled the bridge with angery tones.
" Captain please." the ships shrink (because I can't spell phsyciatrist,
pysciatrist, pschyatrist damn it! pscyotrist uggg!) wandered on board in
his usual fashion," I think you need a rest."
" Damn it Crane!" the Captain glared omnivorously (He was hungry!)," I do
not need rest. Don't you know us Captains are supposed to be workaholics
who hate vacations!"
" OKay let me put you under hypnosis, so we can get on with the rest of
the story without further moronic interuption" the Doctor looked calmly
on, where no one has looked on before.
" Right lets give it a go!" the Captain again took on the long deceased
but not quite forgotten spirit of the greatest prophet and demi-god in
the history of time. Yes, thats right... John Cleese," I tell you this
parrot is stone dead!"
" Look deeply into my eyes." Doctor Crane peered knowingly into the
Captains worried eyes.
" Look! If you intend by that utilization, of an obscure colloquialism to
suggest that my sanity is not up to snuff... I shall have to ask you To
STEP OUTSIDE!" the Captain quoted famous Python sketches.
" You are asleep!" the Doctor commanded," You will never, as long as you
live get angry at the word 'Yamato'."
Then as if it where in the script of a bad sit-com the tiny voice of a
crewman close by, actually several centimetres from his ear, was heard to
say," I'd like a large pepperoni pizza, like with the works dude."
And then with a SNAP from the doctors fingers, the Captain was awake
and ready to perform the mission given to him by United Earth Command.
" Lieutenant! Slip in that tape of the previous episodes so we can figure
out what the hell we are supposed to do #" the Captain spoke as if he had
invented a new punctuation mark, a '#' to be exact.
" Try new JIFFI-POP the cadillac of POPCORN!" the irritating voice of an
advertiser burst through the speakers on the bridge.
" Fast Forward!" an impatient crewman blurted out.
" Ok OK! I'll just" the captain struggled with the remote.
" Whoa to far! Rewind", said the crewman.
" There!" the Captain triumphantly started the tape right after the
commercial but right before the show.
" Welcome to United Earth Armed Forces home video. If you copy this tape
you will be shot. Thank you." the tape continued," Captain
Jorgansvernager. You and your crew must rescue the United Earth Space
Cruiser Yamato from the......"
Message #88
To: ronto.
From: Shogun 27 18:38:48 26-Mar-91
Subject: To Change.
"...., to save the Yamato from the Rigelian wastes. On Stardate 78:90:160
the Yamato crash landed on the planet Rigel IV, we assume. No
transmissions were received and all crew are presumed dead, the ship
oblitorated. Beacause of this we send you, the brave men and women of the
Inverness to search for the Yamato. We are relaying all information
regarding navigation upgrades (i.e. shoot the current Navigations
officer), planet data, and personel files. Good Luck Inverness, you will
be out of subspace communications range for the duration of your trip so
we wish you the best of luck," the United Earth insignia flashed on the
screen as a computer busily downloaded information from a subchannel on
the tape. As the crew stared dumbfounded at the screen the Captain
wondered about the mission and finally commanded the crew into action.
The screen lay silent for seconds until the faint sound of laughter was
heard in the background.
" Lieutenant Gibberarol, maintain ship integrity and transfer all energy
to warp engines." the Captain sounded confident in his orders, a feeling
he hadn't felt since... since he had ordered that milkshake from the
ships food dispensers.
" Aye aye sir!" the helmsman Gibberarol spoke up," Diverting energy from
sheilds, weapons, tractor beams, unnecessary lighting, life support and
shipboard closed circuit televison..."
"Whoa! Hold on a second! Some of the systems on this ship are extremely
important to the ships functioning. Damn it Lieutenant! We can't shut
down the more important areas of the ship. Geez leave the closed circuit
TV on!"
" Yes sir!" said the lieutenant grinning from the fact that he could now
watch the ships late night (whatever they have in space!) talk show.
Communications officer Letterman was a hit on the ships only TV channel.
Tonight it was the Captain, Jerry Senfield and Stupid Iberian Swamp Rat
tricks.
" Ummm lets just wait around for another person to figure out what's
going to happen next," the Captain spoke the truth as the author got
bored........
Message #89
To: ANYONE
From: Shogun 27 10:05:49 30-Mar-91
Subject: MO STORY MO STORY MO STORY
" Plot a course to Rigel, warp factor ahh whatevers convienent." the
Captain sat up in his chair and slowly leaned towards the main viewer.
" Yes sir!" the helmsman laid a course in and put warp engines on
standby," By your command sir!"
With a quick finger movement, thats only slightly obscene, the Captain
uttered those famous words," Engage." And the Inverness was on its way to
Rigel IV.
Only one thing was lodged in the minds of the few crewmembers left on
the crumbling bridge of the Space cruiser Yamato... Party!!!
It turned out that crashing on Rigel was the best thing that could have
happened to the ship.
No, just kidding! The Yamato lay, in reality (not the authors twisted
mind), on the vast sea of obscurity. A large area, in fact the planets
entire surface, where nothing at all existed. Heated to temperatures well
beyond that of the very depths of hell. The ships hull integrity began to
collapse under extreme pressure. Meanwhile the crew inside began to feel
as though they would die very soon.
" Captain Avatar, hull temperature is steadily increasing!" the
lieutenant with big eyes and incredibly messy hair spoke up as he watched
the hull thermometer, as the big red bulby thingy burst.
" Move all personnel out of those sections, and transfer sections of
walls from other parts of the ship to insulate the overheated areas", the
captain spoke these words as the audience was flabberghasted at the
incredibly intelligence and wisdom he showed.
" Captain, lets move to the second bridge, its too hot in here!" the
crew began to make their way to higher ground and the author stopped
cold.
Message #90
To: ALL
From: Shogun 27 17:06:27 7-Apr-91
Subject: Space Story
" Captain." the lieutenant walked towards the Captain's chair," I have a
long range scan report, showing starship size wreakage on the fifth moon
of Rigel IV."
" Thanks son," the Captain appreciatively took this news complied it in
his brain then threw it away, like so many little plastic bag thingies
you get on blank 3.5 inch floppies.
" Incomming message sir!" the comms officer yelled towards the Captains
chair, expecting him to be there but... he had vanished!
" Lieutenant Commander Kei-Yuri!" the commander heard his name being
yelled throughout the ship on the intercom system. For the first time in
this entire story he made his way towards the bridge. He boarded turbo
lift five and in seconds he was at bridge level. He stumbled onto the
bridge with wide singularity, whatever that means, and made his way to
one of the security guards standing on the perimeter of the bridge.
" Yeoman, inform me of the situation," the Commander leaned in with
anticipation.
" Oh uh I'm sorry sir. I'm just an extra, I don't have to follow the
script." the blank faced nobody of an extra/security guard stood there
somemore, looking stolid in his EverMan-ish-ness.
" Damn it, someone tell me what the hell is going on!" the Commander
screamed at no one in particular.
A balding crewman got up and started to speak, at an incredible pace,
not easily explained in print," Well we were on our way to Rigel IV to
rescue the crew of the downed space criuser Yamato when all of a sudden
we turned around and our Captain had dissapeared."
" I see," the Commander echoed the polite code for, 'What! Huh! What in
gods name is this twit talking about!'
" Sir, Rigel IV upcoming!" the helmsman echoed the code for 'Sir, Rigel
IV upcoming!'.
" Whats our ETA lieutenant?" the Commander spoke the words in a way that
would remind you of broccoli.
" ETA is.........."
Message #91
To: The Audience(if any)
From: Shogun 27 17:52:12 8-Apr-91
Subject: Continuing...
".....16 hours, 8 minutes, 37 seconds sir" the helmsman stared
dumbfoundeed at the clock on his panel.
" Oh, how anal retentive of you, helmsman!" the Commander insulted the
helmsman.
" Science Officer!" the Commander started suddenly," Scan the ship for
the Captain! He can't just have vanished!"
" Science Officers Suzuki, Ponich, and Dougan reporting for duty sir!", a
talk heavy set man with glasses spoke up for the group of three officers.
" Ah, Dougan! Scan the ship for the Captians trace elements", the
Commander turned his attention to the main viewer.
" Hey Dave!" Officer Ponich yelled across his science station.
" What!" Suzuki and Dougan answered back in unison.
" Umm, just set up that scan feild width, 0.0001." Officer Ponich quoted
from the book he always carried, 'Elements of Physics' (These are very
'In' jokes).
The Commander looked forward into the darkness of space. The stars
moving at great speed towards him. His brain began to become in tune with
the pinpricks of light, and his eyes slowly relaxed. His muscles slowly
relaxed into a relaxation in which he would never awake. His
consciousness began to flow towards his crainial activity. And he slowly
began to fall into a ver-y d-ee-p tra-n-ce...zzzzzzzz...
" BEEEEPPPPP!!!" the tiny alarm in the Captains digital watch went off
with ferocity. This was quite annoying, especially since every
crewmembers watch went off at the same time. This only being possible
since 2023 when Earths governments agreeed on the Zurich Digitalist
convention, which forced every citizen on the planet to wear a digital
watch. (This was during the dark days when Pee-Wee Herman was elected
president of the United States, and simultaneously the British elected
Benny Hill's brain to government. But thats a whole other story... hmm
maybe a more interesting story, I better finish this one.)
" What!?!" the Commander woke with a start," Yes, Mom! I'm just packing
my satchel!"
" Scans show the Captain is no longer aboard this ship!" Science officer
Ponich spoke up loudly, taking credit for his companions discover.
" Commander" a crewmember spoke up," I know where the Captain is!
He's........"
Message #92
To: All
From: Shogun 27 17:39:10 9-Apr-91
Subject: Yet more story.
Slowly the Captain got to his feet. His head ached, and so did his
back, he rubbed it continuiously. Where was he? Questions raced
through his brain, many of them too obscene to write in a public message
place. His sight was regained in seconds and he took a brief look around.
The walls were smooth and pink in colour. There were also flat lighting
panels in the ceiling, that carpeted the room with intense white light.
On one side of the room was the outline of a door of some kind, and that
was about it. Oh, except for the rather gorgeous woman standing in the
corner.
" What!!! Who are you!" screamed the Captain, who had only just got to
the part in the above paragraph about the babe.
" *." she said in tones so silent you could have sworn they were
nonexistant.
" Huh? Speak up, I didn't quite catch that", the Captain strained to hear
and leaned forward so far he suddenly fell over.
" *." she repeated.
" Umm, do you speak english?" the Captain inquired as he lay sprawled on
the floor.
The woman just stood there, looking slightly confused. As did the
author, and the large bulk of the audience. Then she did something
incredible, something no one had dreamed could be possible. She.........
* END OF BBS STORY DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST *
......just... started... to... sing!
" Stop that! Stop that!" a rather large scotsman clothed in the ancient robes
of a high chieftain materialized in the room," I'll have no singing here!"
" But." the Captain started to speak but was again silenced by cruel reality.
SORRY READER. THATS ALL THERE IS. STAY TUNED TO YOUR LOCAL BBS, FOR
UPCOMING PROGRAMMING INFORMATION. THIS STORY WILL BE CONTINUED...
EVENTUALLY.
THANK YOU.
BTW
" Shut your festering Gob you huge malodorous GRUNTIE!"
" I mean... BE FAIR! If he can't finish one bloody Space Opera... then what
the hell kind of author is he... EH?!?!"
***UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE***UPDATE***
If you liked this story in any way, or participated in it and wish to sue me,
please do not hesitate to contact me <SHOGUN> in any way shape or form that
is possible... E-Mail's good! But I don't mind an occasional carrier pigeon...
especially with a little ketchup!!!
BTW
After reading this, I realize it could be heavily edited, and is incredibly
slow at parts, but at least try to read the whole thing... there is a bit of
wit to be found here and there, believe it or not!
SHOGUN Productions.
1991/10/19.
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