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Star Blecch
This was taken from MAD Magazine (October 1988, No 202) ... no copyright
infringement intended as I'm not making a profit ...:
This was after the first few eps of ST:TNG ...
Star Blecch
-----------
LOVERLY: I'm Dr. Loverly Cruncher! Thanks to my reasearch, we have wiped
out the scourge of Andromeda Tounge Rot and Stellar Fungus! Now,
if we can only wipe out the scourge of Intergalactic Blue Cross and
Blue Shield Forms!
DADA : I'm Dada, a highly advanced android! My body can do anthing a
human body can! I belch, give off body odor and throw up after
eating Romulan food! Still, the others here regard me as different!
Maybe that's because I've been programmed with a personality!
TUSHA : I'm Security Cheif Tasha Yarp! I come from a violent and
agressive sector of the universe where life was a constant battle for
survival! Hey, it's not easy growing up poor in Beverly Hills!
PESTLY : I'm Pestly Crusher, your average 15-year old scientific wizard
and space prodigy! I have an almost perfect brain. It would have
been considered totally perfect, but I agreed to sign on with this
crew!
RETARD : I'm Captain Jaunt Fluke Retard! Some say I'm dull, but whatever
I lack in leadership, I make up for in good looks! While it's true
I usually send Number One on the really dangerous missions, my
contribution should not be overlooked - I do one heck of a Mr. Clean
impression at the annual BoobyPrize Christmas party!
WIPER : I'm Linoleum Wiper! Though I'm second in command, Captain Retard
insists on calling me "Number One"! Then again, at breakfast this
morning, he ordered a V-9 Vegetable Juice! What can I say? The
captain is great at space exploration but lousy with numbers!
NIRVANA: I'm Counsellor Nirvana Floy, half human and half alien! I'm into
psychic phenomena ans ESP, which in MY case stands for Extra
Sensual Proportions! I can't explain it, but I feel things no one
else feels, especially in crowded elevators!
LaFARCE: I'm Lt. Gorgy LaFarce! This visual aid I'm wearing may make me
look like an intergalactic Stevie Wonder, but it lets me detect
images that conventional eyes can't see! While the others are looking
for space freighters, I'm grooving on X-rated mutant flicks and "Star
Wars" videos!
BARF : I'm Barf, a Klinkon! I may seem unatractive to you, but back
home, I'm considered a hunk! In the old, war-filled days, I'd have
been vicious and merciless, but now I'm a mere toadie taking orders
from inferior Earthlings! Boy, give peace a chance and it will bust
your chops!
DADA : Captain, my systems report 30 million deaths throughout the
galaxy!
RETARD : That's impossible! We've wiped out war and butchery! What are
they dying of?
DADA : Boredom.
RETARD : Then how come WE'VE survived?
DADA : Because WE'RE only carriers!
[Retard turns to Riker]
RETARD : What's our purpose Number One? Why are we here?
WIPER : Like your orders say, "To BALDLY go where no man has gone before"
RETARD : That's "BOLDLY" you idiot! For that insult you are forbidden to
touch any of the little buttons or red lights on the control thing
until further notice.
LaFARCE: The Captain's in a mean mood! I wonder how he'll deal with this
episode's major conflict?
BARF : That WAS the major conflict! Remember, this is the new,
nonviolent "Star Blecch".
LaFARCE: Yeah, like last week when Nirvana outwitted a devious hairstylist
BARF : Or the week before when we got caught in a meteor shower, right
after we had washed the ship ...
[Staff Meeting in Briefing Lounge ...]
OFFICER: Captain, what are our chances of making it into a second season?
RETARD : It all depends on accomplishing our supreme objective!
DADA : You're talking about preserving peace in the galaxy?
RETARD : I'm talking about successful merchandising! Marketing battery
powered Barf and Gorgy dolls, life sized inflatible replicas of Tusha
and Nirvana and glass paperwieghts of my bald head.
WIPER : [concerned] What are the merchandising plans for me?
RETARD : You, Number One, will replace Ken after he divorces Barbie!
[Back on the bridge ....]
TUSHA : Sir, we're now light years into this voyage and we're still
drifing in space without a plot!
RETARD : Nirvana, what do your psychic vibrations tell you?
NIRVANA: I sense the agony of millions of tormented souls who feel
abandoned and betrayed!
RETARD : [urgently] Can you identify them?
NIRVANA: They live on Earth ... they call themselves "Trekkies"!
[One of Gorgy's lights flashes about]
LaFARCE: Sir, we're being invaded by a host of destructive life forms!
RETARD : Sound "Lavender Alert"! Man your Welcome Stations ...
[Out of no-where, Khan materializes and strides up to Retard]
KHAN : I'm Khan, and you shall feel my wrath!
RETARD : Sorry, old chap, but we don't allow wrath anymore! We tolerate
snits, tizzys, and an occasional grunt of displeasure, but wrath is
strictly a no-no ...
[Khan spits at Picard, and grabs Nirvana, and starts to mangle her]
TUSHA : Khan is torturing Nirvana! What shall we do?!
RETARD : Have our ship's lawyer write him a strong letter!
TUSHA : [gasps] Isn't that rather drastic?
RETARD : Yes, but we don't want to look like wimps!
[Khan dissapears, and a large furry slug-typed alien appears]
MUGATU : I'm a poisonous Mugatu! My bite causes instant death! My breath
is no bargain either! I'm slaughtering 12 of your crewmen as a
human sacrifice to our Hunger God!
LOVERLY: Captain, aren't you going to put up a fight?
RETARD : I can't! Federation rules forbid us from interfering in local
religious customs!
[I cut out a bit to save space, about Tribbles and Barf being a Yuppie]
RETARD : Now then, what is the damage report, Pestly?
PESTLY : Everything is all messed up sir!
RETARD : Be specific you little idiot!
PESTLY : The thingamajigs are all broken, the whatchamacalits are gone,
and there's junk all over the doohickies!
RETARD : Oh my God, we really ARE in trouble!
WIPER : Dada, how do you explain these attacks on the ship?
DADA : According to my systems, they're being manipulated by some
terrifying entity from the past!
WIPER : But WHO could it be?
[The viewscreen flips on]
DADA : Look! On the screen! There is your answer sir!
QUIRK : This is Captain James T. Quirk of the ORIGINAL Boobyprize! This
galaxy isn't big enough for us both!
RETARD : But you and your crew died nearly a CENTURY ago!
QUIRK : We still live in syndication! We can't let you exsist in OUR
space and muscle in on our merchandising! Not even your advanced
special effects can save you! Good-bye, and good riddance! Mr. Sumu,
you may fire when ready!
[The Enterprise fires upon the Enterprise-D which promptly explodes]
[On the Enterprise ...]
QUIRK : Well gentlemen .. any comments? Bones?
BONES : I'm a doctor, dammit, not a critic! Even so, their condition was
terminal! You did the humane thing.
QUIRK : Mr. Schlock?
SCHLOCK: Doomed from the start. You merely did the logical thing and
spared viewers additional agony.
QUIRK : My sentiments exactly! That's what happens when you try to
BLANDLY go where others have gone before "boldly" - and much better!
E N D
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