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Arnold Rimmer's trial (Red Dwarf IV)

Rimmer's trial scene, from the Red Dwarf IV episode "Justice." Probably
the best Rimmer-slamming scene Grant and Naylor have written yet.
Kryten is acting as Rimmer's defence attorney, and the judge is a
computer...


Kryten: The "Mind Probe" was created to detect guilt. Yet, in the case of
Arnold "Judas" Rimmer, the guilt it detected attaches to no crime.
He held a position of little or no importance on Red Dwarf, he was a
lowly grease monkey, a zero, a nothing. A piece of sputum floating
in the toilet bowl of life. Yet he could never come to terms with a
lifetime of underachievement. His absurdly inflated ego would never
permit it. He's like the security guard at the front gate who
considers himself head of the corporation. So, when the crew were
wiped out by a nuclear accident, Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame.
It was his ship, ergo, his fault. I ask the court, look at this man.
This man who sat and failed his astro-navigation exam on no less than
THIRTEEN occasions. This sad man, this pathetic man, this JOKE of a
man, this...

Rimmer: Kryten, you're going over the top, the court will never buy it.

Kryten: Sir, trust me. My whole case hinges on proving you're a DORK!

Rimmer: Understood.

Kryten: I call my first witness!

Kryten: Name?

Lister: Dave Lister.

Kryten: Occupation?

Lister: Er, bum.

Kryten: Would you describe the accused as a friend?

Cat: Take the fifth!

Kryten: Now please answer the question and remember you are under polygraphic
surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?

Lister: Nah, I'd describe the accused as a git.

Kryten: Who would you say then is the person who thinks of him most fondly?

Lister: I do.

Kryten: And are there no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him?

Lister: Only one, but she's got a puncture.

Rimmer: Objection!

Computer Judge: Overruled!

Kryten: You wouldn't describe him as a man with a good social life?

Lister: No. He partied less than Rudolph Hess. He was totally dedicated to
his career. He was in charge of Zed shift, y'see, and it occupied
'is every wakin' moment.

Kryten: And what was Zed shift's most important duty?

Lister: Well they 'ave a lot of important duties on the ship, but I guess our
most vital responsibility was makin' sure the vending machines didn't
run out of fun-sized crunchie bars.

Kryten: Can you ever envisage a situation where the lack of honeycomb centred
chocolate bars might be the direct cause of a lethal radiation leak?

Lister: Not off the top o' my head, no.

Kryten: You may sit down.

Kryten: I ask the court one key question. Would the space corps ever have
allowed this man to be in a position of authority where he might
endanger the entire crew? A man so petty and smallminded he would
while away his evenings sewing name labels onto his ship-issue
condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity...

Rimmer: Objection!

Computer Judge: Objection overruled!

Kryten: A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence
counsel. An overzealous, trumped up little squirt...

Rimmer: Objection!

Computer Judge: Overruled!

Kryten: An incompetent vending-machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who
commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crewmembers
as Long John Silver's parrot.

Rimmer: Objection!!!

Computer Judge: If you object to your own counsel once more, Mr. Rimmer,
you'll be in contempt.

Kryten: Who would permit this man, this joke of a man, this man who
could not outwit a used tea bag, to be in a position where he might
endanger the entire crew? Who? Only a YOGURT. This man is not
guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer.
That is his crime, it is also his punishment. The defence rests.

Computer Judge: The verdict on the defendant will now be passed. In
view of your counsel's eloquent defence, together with the reams of
material evidence he submitted on computer card, this court accepts
that in your case, the mind probe is not an adequate method of
ascertaining guilt. It is not possible for you to have committed the
crimes for which you blame yourself, and you may therefore go free.

Rimmer: Objection.

Kryten: Sir, what are you objecting to now??

Rimmer: I want an apology.


 
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