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Red Dwarf V: Quarantine script
From: [email protected] (Neil Postlethwaite)
Subject: Red Dwarf V/4: 'Quarantine' (SPOILERS AHEAD)
Organization: Dept of Computer Science, Heriot-Watt University, Scotland
Red Dwarf V/4: 'Quarantine' BBC2 12/03/92 @ 21.00Hrs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Opening scene. A space station on a moon/planet. Blizzard Conditions.
K: Gravity 1.5, wind 40 knots and variable, Ordanance locked and set.
Launch Scouter.
The Cat reaches for the release control.
R: Wait a minute. I'm in charge of security and survellence on board
this vessel. I Mr 'Keryten' am the one that says 'Launch Scouter'.
K: I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to steal your thunder.
R: Launch Scouter.
Nobody does a thing. They all ignore Rimmer.
R: LAUNCH SCOUTER.
They still all ignore him. Looking round the cockpit at things
like you do when you are deliberately ignoring someone.
R: I'll be in the stern, correlating the .....
I'll be in the stern.
K: Would you be so good as to launch the Scouter. (quietly to the Cat)
C: YES SIR !! (Saluting)
Aye Aye.
Scouter Launched SIR. (Saluting)
---------------------------------
The Scouter drone is seen heading off towards the apparently
deserted space base.
Next scene. Rimmer is in the stern. Lister, Kryten and Cat
come to tell him something.
----------------------------------
K: Sir, it appears that we have encountered a scientific research centre.
L: And there is someone in there man. A survivor.
K: A Dr Hildegard Lanstrom.
R: Clearly I am superfluous to this entire operation, abley commanded as it
is, by a droid who was created to clean lavatories. So I don't know why
you are bothering to tell me all this, Captain Bog-Bot (as in Robot).
L: She's a hologram.
K: I'm afraid we are going to have to commandeer your remote projection unit
in order to rescue her sir.
R: Oh I see, first of all I am deemed unsuitable to issue the command 'Launch
Scouter', and now I am being bundled into an escape pod and relieved of
my duties by Commander U-bend.
L: Rimmer, why are you taking this so personal. It's the only way to get her
back to the ship.
R: Why do we need another hologram aboard the ship.
K: She's a doctor and would be a valuable asset to the team.
R: And as usual it is left to me to point out the fatal flaw in your logic.
This vessel, gentlemen and khaazie (?) droids, the crimson short one up
there can only sustain 1 hologram, or had you forgotten.
Lister, Cat and Kryten look away.
R: Oh, you hadn't forgotten.
L: We can work something out. A timeshare or something.
R: What do you think I am, a timeshare villa in the Algarve.
K: Sir, may I remind you of Space Corp' directive #169..
R: Holly, prepeare me a pod, anything to save me from another (Kryten voice)
'Space Corp' Directive'.
K: The Space Corp' directives are there to protect us. They are not a set of
vindictive pronouncements directed against any one person.
R: Has anyone ever seen this legendary Space Corp' directive manual.
L: Well......no. (looking at Cat)
R: He's making it up isn't he. The bloody book doesn't exist.
K: Sir, I assure you...
R: Why does he only ever use them against me ? Why never against Lister ?
Why do we never hear a Space Corp' directive saying 'No crewmember should
floss his teeth using the E-string of his guitar after spraying the entire
contents of his sugar puff sandwich all over his superious (ie Rimmers)
bunk'.
K: Holly, furnish Mr Rimmer with a hologrammatic copy of the Space Corp'
directive manual.
It appears in Rimmer's hand. It is fairly small.
R: You've changed you know, they may not see it but I do. I know what's
happened, you've become a really nasty piece of work. You're meerly
a mechanoid - don't ever forget that.
K: You're a smee.../
You're a smee....
You're a smee... Hee................ (Cf RDV/2: 'Camille').
------------------------------------
Next scene is inside the science station.
------------------------------------
L: Dr Lanstrom.........
K: Are you there Dr ?
They come across a vault type door. Lister brushes the dust off
the door. As he goes down it, he exposes writing and pictures.
Viral Research Dept.
L: Oh brutal !
Most gross danger
Bio suits must be worn at all times.
(Red triangular warning sign. The picture inside it is of
a man vomiting at the same time as his guts are exploding
out of his body).
K: There is no need for danger. If there were any dangerous viral strains
the Psy-scan would have picked them up.
Kryten shows them the scanner. It isn't working.
K: It's never done that before. Cheap Martian power packs (hiting it).
Beg your indulgence for a couple of minutes, it takes time to warm up.
K: Here are the results and we're going to ......................live.
L: (Sighs). We're a really Mickey Mouse operation aren't we.
C: Mickey Mouse, we ain't even Betty Boop.
Kryten is looking inside a metallic suitcase he has found. It
contains vials of liquid.
L: Look at these. They are (Mr ?) Stasis pods.
One opens.
K: Dr......Dr Lanstrom.
DL:And whom might you be (VERY heavy German accent).
L: Hi, we're just passing.
DL: Schopenhauer was right, life without pain has no meaning. Gentlemen
I am going to give your lives meaning.
Dr Lanstrom (DL) sits up in the stasis pod. A howl eminates from
her. Her eyes become a fluorescent red colour and electric type bolts come
from them aimed at Lister, Kryten, Cat.
L: Why can't we EVER meet anyone nice ?
C: Why don't we ever meet anyone who can shoot straight ?
-------------------------------------
Back to Rimmer in Starbug talking to Holly.
-------------------------------------
R: I'm telling you Kryten is taking over, slowly but surely. I remember him
in the beginning. He used to be a gibbering wreck, no self confidence,
plagued by guilt and convinced he was fourth rate. I really liked him then.
H: Escape pod checked and standing by.
R: Check it again.
H: I've done 3 complete checks and it's ready to launch.
R: Right, I'm going (walks away through a door).
R: (back again). What really gets me is the way he thinks he can order me
about. Well he who lives by the rule book, dies by the rule book.
Lister calls on the radio.
L: Lanstrom has got some sort of holo-virus. She's totally barking.
R: Listy ?
L: We need backup badly and we need it now.
R: Everything OK ?
L: Can't you hear me.
R: I'm sorry, you're very faint (lying through his teeth).
K: Dr Lanstrom has contracted some sort of mutated holo-plague and is in
an incurabe psychopathic fury.
R: Marvellous ! I'm sure she'll be a valuable asset to the team.
K: Sir, I'm going to change frequency......Can you hear me now ?
Dr Lanstrom appears. Zaps at the radio with her eyes and picks
it up and talks into it (hands free).
DL:Hello. My name is Dr Hildegard Lanstrom and I am quite quite mad.
R: Are you really. How absolutely splendid.
DL: I have a riddle for you. What is dead and dead and dead all over.
R: I give in Dr Fruit-Loop, DO tell.
DL: Yooooooouuuuuuu !!!!
R: Well we know what to get you for Christmas. A double lobotomy and 10
rolls of rubber wallpaper.
Starbugs radio explodes in an electrical flash with bolts
eminating from it.
R: Holly, I really must be going. Keep me up to date with any developments.
-----------------------------------
The pod returns to Red Dwarf.
-----------------------------------
Lister, Cat and Kryten try to evade Dr Lanstrom. They are wondering
what sort of virus does that to a person- gives them 'Hex Vision'. Kryten
surmises that it is a Psy-Virus, which stimulates the dormant area's of
the brain which up until now humankind has been unable to harness.
Unfortunately it requires so much energy it drains the intended victims
lifeforce. That was why she was in the Stasis Pod. She was preserving what
little remained of her last victim. If she is running out of time they
may be able to give her the run-around. However she appears behind them.
DL: Twinkle twinkle little eye, now it is time for you to die.
Her Hex Vision comes on. She runs out of energy and dissapears.
She has finally been destroyed by the virus.
They take back her work to study. DR Lanstrom had postulated that
there are 2 sorts of virus. Positive and bnegative. We are familiar with
the negative - flu, rabies - but not the positive. The positive viruses
are like if your life has turned to complete and utter crud, you wake
up in the morning feeling really good. A reverse flu. Also inspiration,
charisma, sexual magnetism are some Dr Lanstrom has isolated. (Lister
steals the sexual magnetism one). Finally there is Felicitis Populi,
commonly known as luck. The virus is safe and Lister has a shot. He
picks all the aces from a deck of cards. 13-1, 221-1, 5525-1, 270725-1 !!!
He tries to throw a dart with his left hand, over his shoulder, without
looking at a dart board. He hits Kryten in the back of the head. The luck
virus has worn off.
--------------------------------
H: There is a problem with the cargo bay doors. Rimmer has put in an
override.
R: Welcome. If you would like to proceed aft to bay 47.
L: Bay 47. That's quarantine.
R: Spot On.
K: We're all clean. I scanned us.
R: Well as much as I trust a viral screening carried out by an automated
toilet attendent, Space Corp' directive #595 says no. I have no intention
of contracting the equivalent of foaming dog fever. So if you will proceed
to quarantine room 152 where you will be spending the next 3 months.
--------------------------------
Room 152 is single quarters. 1 chair, 1 bed, 1 shower. Kryten
doesn't think they will get through it. It is a scientific fact that human
males need time alone. Popular pastimes include fishing, golf, the all time
number 1 aswell.
L: We hang out together anyway.
C: Yeh, but we know we can leave when we want.
R: Welcome to quarantine. I hope the next 84 days pass as quickly as the
100 years war. Space Corp' directive #597 states that every registered
crew member shall have a berth. As Lister is the only registered crew
member: only 1 berth.
All Space Corp regulations on diet have been met. Sprout soup
to start, sprout salad, finished off by a sprout crumble.
L: Rimmer, you know sprouts make me chuck.
R: That's awful. You are down for sprouts for almost every meal. I tell a
lie, it is every meal. I must dash, I'm preparing your musical
entertainment. A perpetually looped tape of Reggie Wilsons 'Tango Treats'.
They agree not to argue in the entire time they are there. 'Boys
from the Dwarf' !!!!!!
----------------------------------
Scene. It is five days later. Lister is seen filling out a
time chart. He has a black eye, Cat a plaster on the nose and an arm
in a sling with a plaster cast on. Kryten appears out of the bathroom.
He has spent the last 2 hours panel-beating his head back into shape.
They start to argue again when Lister says 'guys take it easy'. 'If you
say take it easy one more time .....'. Kryten threatens Lister if he
wants to stay alive for the remaining 78 days he should not blow his
nose. Apart from the noise and the revolting gurgling sound, he describes
the really gross part when Lister opens up his handkerchief. to
look at the contents. What does he expect to find there. A Turner sea-scape ?
The face of the Madonna ? a Shakespearian sonnet ? Lister calls Kryten
tetchy and they start to argue again. Kryten covers his ears so he won't
hear Lister calling him tetchy, but Lister writes it in big letters on the
time chart (about A0 in size) and shows it to him. Kryten threatens to put
on one of the 'entertainment' videos Rimmer left them. One on DIY home
decorating.
Kryten is threatened with Lister not helping him again. Kryten
assures Lister he is perfectly capable of removing his own head from the
waste disposal unit. The Cat says he will this time unscrew his head and
mocrowave it next time, 'Frankenstein !!'. Keyten tells the Cat that
Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster, a misconception made by all
truly stupid people. The Cat hates being corrected so Kryten corrects him
again. Lister tries to calm them all down. They have all become crazies in
only five days.
K: Well don't call me tetchy and don't blow your nose.
C: Don't correct me, and DON'T play that video.
L: We're going to get through this.
K&C:DON'T SAY THAT WE'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS AGAIN !!!!
L: This is insane, we've been here 5 days and there is no sign of the virus.
K: That's it. 5 days without sign of the virus. Rimmer must re-screen us.
Space Corp' directive #699 says that. He is playing by the book so he
must do it.
R: Your conversation makes interesting listening (He has been evesdropping
for the last 2-3 hours).
L: No-one has the disease. They are clean. No-one has the virus and no-one
is smegging nuts.
R: That's good. (He appears and is wearing a Red checked Little Bo-Peep
type dress with blonde pigtails and a matching hat).
R: Is something amiss ?
L: No nothing (visibly stunned).
R: What even with me wearing a red and white checked dress AND army boots
and there is nothing up.
C: No, just we thought you had gone nuts and were just humouring you.
R: I was doing a little test to see if you had gone crazy. (Rimmer screams
out-no words, just screams).
R: If there is one thing I can't stand it's crazy people.
L: Well we've passed the test, you can let us out.
R: I can't. The King of the Potato People won't let me. I begged him. I got
down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you in here for 10 years.
C: Could we see him.
R: See who.
C: The King.
R: Do you have a magic carpet ?
L: Yeah, a little 3 seater.
R: So let me get this straight. You have a magic carpet and you want to fly
on it to see the King of the Potato People and plead with him for your
freedom, and you're telling me you are completely sane !?!?
R: I think that deserves 2 hours W.O.O.
L: W.O.O ??
R: With Out Oxygen.
No oxygen for 2 hours. That will teach you to be bread baskets.
L: What can we do.
C: I think our only chance is the Potato King.
Rimmer has the holo-virus. It was spread by radio when he spoke
to Lanstrom (1). They must get out of the quarantine room as the oxygen
will be unbreathable in 7 minutes.
L: Can you crack the door code Kryten.
K: The chances are billions - 1, but you could with a big shot of the
luck virus.
Lister has an extra big shot of the luck virus. He hits several
keys on the door combination keypad. He stands back. The door doesn't open.
Kryten says 'The last digit Sir'. The door opens. They must get to the
Hologram projection suite and re-boot Rimmer to clear the holo-virus from
his system before Rimmer catches them. Rimmer appears behind them. He has
a companion. Mr Thlibble (MT).
R: They've been bad boys haven't they Mr Thlibble. What's going to happen
to them.
MT:Uncle Arnie fries them with his Hex Vision.
Zappppp. He misses. Rimmer is in the second stage of the virus. He
is capable of Hex Vision, telepathy and telekenesis. A medium sized fire
axe comes out of a telekenetically opened case and flies through the air
and ends up in Krytens spine. He has a short malfunction.
Rimmer appears again. He vapourises the door with his Hex Vision.
R: Mr Thlibble is very cross, you shouldn't have ran away. What are we
going to to with them Mr Thlibble ????? (MT whispers in Rimmers ear).
R: We CAAAANNN'T possible do that. Who would clean up the mess.
Mr Thlibble gets the Hex Vision.
K: We need to use your luck Mr Lister. What we really need is a remote
projection connection unit to the hologram projection suite.
L: What like this ? (He picks up a box with remote projection written on
the side).
C: What a stroke of luck.
K: And a power adaptor capable of holding spikes of up to 5 million volts.
L: This (tripping over it) ?
K: Extrodinary.
K: and a B47/RF resistor. (Lister holds one up between his fingers).
C: Look out. (Rimmer and Mr Thlibble appear).
Kryten switches on the remote hologram unit just as Rimmer and
Mr Thlibble 'Hex Vision' on. Rimmer falls to the ground and his dress returns
to normal (from the red and white checked dress) and Mr Thlibble disappears.
K: I think he's going to be Ok.
L: I think the luck virus must have worn off.
-------------------------------
Final scene. Rimmer wakes up in a quarantine room.
R: What happened to me ???
Where am I ??
K: Don't worry.
L: We're here to entertain you.
There's a final gag but I'm keeping schtumm here.
----------------------------/ End of Summary /----------------------------
Comments
~~~~~~~
Well of first watch I didn't like it much. Second time through I
loved it. I think for all this series you need 2 viewings. The Rimmer
and Dr Lanstrom 'Dr Fruit Loop' was good, as was the Rimmer v's Cat, Lister
and Kryten with the Potato King sketch That ** was ** funny. The Mr
Thlibble character was also good but I'm not telling about it (so there !!).
This episode was directed by Grant Naylor: Writer(s) and exec
producer(s). Juliet May was not on the credits at all. Possibly she
has got the boot ???
There still seemed to be 'gaps' between the dialogue where there was
a deathly silence. They laughtrack is still shit. It has been posted on
Rec.arts.tv.uk that the BBC don't use canned laughter. The Red Dwarf laughter
if not canned is 'processed' I would reckon. It is very quick to start and
stop. Volume up and down on the recorded laughing so as to have a laugh, but
not let it interfere with the dialogue too much.
Note (1). The spreading of the Holo-virus by radio is I would say
analagous to when Rimmer escaped from the hologram prison after his body
was repossessed when Rimmer Corporation crashed. He and the others escaped
via a walkie-talkie radio. Red Dwarf: Better Than Life (The Book).
Credits
~~~~~~
Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie
Dave Lister Craig Charles
Holly Hattie Hayridge
Cat Danny John-Jules
Kryten Robert Llewellyn
Dr Hildegard Lanstrom Maggie Steed
Directed Grant Naylor
Produced Hilary Bevan-Jones
Executive Production Rob Grant and Doug Naylor
Red Dwarf V (C) BBC TV 1992
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Errata From Guides RDV/1, RDV/2, RDV/3.
RDV/1: 'Holoship'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Produced by Hilary Bevan-Jones (Omitted)
RDV/2: 'The Inquisitor'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Produced by Hilary Bevan-Jones (Omitted)
Directed By Juliet May and Rob Grant/Doug Naylor.
(Possibly why it was the strongest of the 3 so far, due to Rob Grant
and Doug Naylor helping Juliet May with the Directing.)
The Inquisitor visits every soul in history, not every sole.
Thanks to someone who I deleted from my mbox by accident.
RDV/3: 'Terrorform'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Krytens display near the beginning of the guide. It is not 'MALIVE'
but MAUVE, following the colour thread.
Thanks to Paul Goffin + Crosfield Electronics Ltd. U.K.
and somebody else who se message I deleted.
-------------------------------/ END /-------------------------------
Guide By Neil Postlethwaite.
Any addition, correction of comments are most welcome.
--
*****************************| Sig' Time |**********************************
JANET: [email protected] * Neil Postlethwaite, Computer Science,
INTERNET: [email protected] * Heriot-Watt University,
UUCP: ..mcsun!ukc!hwcs!neilp * Edinburgh, Scotland, UK.
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