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Red Dwarf V: The Inquisitor script
From: [email protected] (Neil Postlethwaite)
Subject: Red Dwarf V/2: The Inquisitor (SPOILERS AHEAD !!!!!!)
Organization: Dept of Computer Science, Heriot-Watt University, Scotland
Red Dwarf V/2: 'The Inquisitor'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Opening scene set on a space base on a desolate planetiod.
Thomas Allman is woken up be a large man-like creature whose face
is obscured by an animal skull mask. He is judged by the creature of
being unworthy of existing and his voyage in the space time continuum
is to be given to someone who never existed. They are to be given his
gift of life, may they spend it more wisely than you. The closing gag
is to the newly created person replacing Thomas Allman: Sorry for the
intrusion, Reality Control.
Rimmer, Lister, Cat and Kryten are in one of the Starbugs. Lister
is having coffee, double caffeine and quadruple sugar. He is reading
Virgil's Aeneid, an account of the downfall of the Trojan Empire and
the seige of the city of Troy, the comic book version. Zap, ker-pow,
die in bed you Trojan pig-dog etc... He thinks it a load of rubbish.
The Trojans having being layed seige to for a decade suddenly wake up
to find the Greek army gone, and a large wooden horse left outside the
city. A wooden horse LARGE enough to hold 500 Greek warriors, full
dressed for battle, AND toilet facilities, and they pull it INSIDE
the city and go and have an early night. He concludes, beware of
Trojans, they are complete smegheads.
Suddenly Starbug changes course 180 degrees and heads back towards
Red Dwarf. The strange creature from before appears on Starbug. He is
'The Inquisitor', they must present a case justifying their existence,
if they fail they will be deleted from existence.
Kryten tells the tale, oft repeated in space bars of 'The
Inquisitor'. He is a droid, a self repairing Simulant who exists to
the end of time where he discovers there is no God and no afterlife.
He decides that his purpose is to lead a worthwhile life. He constructs
a time machine and roams throught eternity visiting every sole in
history and assesses them. Those he considers have wasted their life are
erased and replaced by non-existing people. The unfertilised eggs,
the sperm that never made it.
Rimmer surmises that they are in trouble.......
If he had known about this, he would have given to phone in charity
Telethon's HIS credit card number. All you have to do is to make a
contribution, you don't need to be famous, no matter how small, not to
be egocentric and self serving or vain. Oh dear Rimmer !!!!
Each of the crew (Holly excepting) is seen individually by The
Inquisitor.
Rimmer first. You have been granted the greatest gift of all, life
(I presume talking past tense here as Rimmer is already dead !). What
have you done to deserve this. Rimmer starts to quibble with The Inquisitor
about who does he think he is to ask.
The Inquisitor raises his mask. Your judge considering your existence
and your justification for it is ...........Yourself. Rimmer is in deep
Smegola here. Rimmer (Judge) sees Rimmer as a slimy, despicable, rat-
hearted green discharge of a man. Rimmer tries to blame it all on his
family. A mad failed ex-military father, a bitch queen of a mother and
brothers with all the brains and the looks. He had nothing, and considering
where he is now, he has gone up in the world.
Cat next. The Cat justifies himself by tha fact that he has given
pleasure to the whole world and because he has just such a great ass.
The Cat (Judge) calls him a shallow guy for this justification. The cat
says yes, but a shallow guy with a great ass !!!
Kryten next. Kryten seems to be ok because he has spent his entire
existence serving others. But Kryten disagrees, as the serving is part
of his programming. He is compelled and has no choice in the matter. All
he can put forward is the breaking of his programming that Lister has
made him do, to an extent.
Lister finally. Lister (Judge) says, well get out of this smeghead.
You have brains and you chose not to use them. Lister's reply is 'spin
on it'.
All crew appear together for the judgement. Lister is appalled that the
Cat and Rimmer disappear and starts to create a scene when Kryten says
it is them to be deleted....... The Cat and Rimmer have been acquitted by
their own low standards, but Lister and Kryten could have been so much more.
They are removed from from time by the inquisitor. Causality has been
healed. All that remains is to delete their physical presence. Lister asks
Kryten what the secret plan is. No secret plan Mr Lister sir. No Sleeves !!
Suddenly Kryten appears behind the Inquisitor and chops off the
Inquisitors hand (with the control gauntlet on it) with a chainsaw and
gives the gauntlet to Kryten and Lister. Kryten, just appeared, says
he is from the future and must explain quickly before he is killed.
Lister asks how are you killed. Well I'm jumped from behind while explaining
to you, and he is. Killed by having his head squashed against the wall
by the Inquisitor. His last words are to get to the shuttlebay ....
Lister and Kryten escape, but are blocked by a door which they can't
get through as Holly doesn't recognise them. Deleted from time ! Tear
gas is sprayed and the `intruders` are rounded up by Cat and Rimmer who also
don't know them. They are limbo people, between realities.
Lister tries to prove that he know Rimmer, describing one of Rimmer's
encounters with Fiona Barrington who he had got off with in a greenhouse.
He thought he had gotten lucky, but all the time he had had his hand in
warm compost. His middle name is Judas, but always says it is Jonathon.
The alternate Lister and Kryten appear, only slightly different.
(This explains why the Cat race never ceased to exist, as happened in
RD II/5 'Timeslides' when Listers life had a different outcome totally).
The inquisitor appears again, hand regenerated, and killes the
alternate Kryten immediately by with an explosion. They split up, Cat,
Rimmer, alternate Lister. Lister & Kryten. Lister tells Kryten to turn
away because he is going to do something totally totally gross. He opens
the door by putting the dead alternate Kryten's hand on the sensor panel.
Kryten figures out how he opened it and is really disgusted, especially
because Lister has hidden it in his jacket pocket. 'If androids could
barf I would be on to my fifth bag by now'.
Kryten tries to pursuade Lister to let him sacrifice himself to save
Lister, but Lister will not let him. He can tell when he is lying. His
right foot jiggles and he says he doesn't believe in Silicon heaven. Cat
and Rimmer arrive and ask to join up with Lister and Kryten bacause their
crewmates, alternate Lister and Kryten were killed hideously. The Cat
isn't too happy when they say the plan is to face the Inquisitor on
the Shuttle Deck. `Are you serious, should I paint a bullseye on my face !?`
The Inquisitor meets up with them again and Rimmer and the Cat are
wiped out. Lister fires the previously stolen inquisitor gauntlet at
the Inquisitor and their shots clash in the middle. The Inquisitor hits
Lister and he is 'youthed' to a boy. He is hit again and becomes an old
man. He is about to be killed when Kryten pops his head up behind the
Inquisitor and says 'Excuse me, but could I just distract you for a second'.
The Inquisitor goes 'uhh', turns about and Lister zaps him with a stasis
field. Kryten graps the Inquisitors new gauntlet, returns Lister to his
proper age and says he must go back to sacrifice himself so they can
get into this mess in the first place (!). 'All in all, today's been a bit
of a bummer hasn't is sir'. He swaps gauntlets with Lister and zaps himself
back in time.
When the Inquisitor recovers he is dangling on a rope over a massive
drop. Lister sets fire to the rope with his lighter and just as the rope
burns through, he saves the Inquisitor. He says, if you remove me from
existence, there will be nobody there to save you in the first place. He
chucks the gauntlent back to the Inquisitor, who says, but if I erase
you you won't be there to threaten me in the first place. Lister hadn't
thought of that. The Inquisitor fires, and is surrounded by a 'field'.
It's the old reverse firing time gauntlet trick. The Inquisitor is
removed from exisistence. Cat, Kryten and Rimmer all pop back into
existence. Kryten had reprogrammed the gauntlet.
The final gag is. Kryten says, 'I think now is an appropriate time for
you to give me 5 Mr David sir'. Lister responds, 'I can do better than that,
I can give you 15'. (I'll leave you figure it out !!).
Episode Summary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I think it was a good deal better than the first one. Bit more action,
more gags, plot flowed more smoothly. Laughtrack still a bit obtrusive.
Cast:
~~~
Arnold Rimmer Chris Barrie
Dave Lister Craig Charles
Holly Hattie Hayridge
Cat Danny John-Jules
Kryten Robert Llewellyn
The Inquisitor John Docherty
Second Lister Jake Abraham
Thomas Allman James Cormack
(No credits for Second Kryten, assume Robert Llewellyn.
No credits for Young or Old Lister)
Directed Juliet May
Producer Hilary Bevan-Jones
Executive Production Rob Grant and Doug Naylor
Red Dwarf V (C) BBC TV 1992
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guide by Neil Postlethwaite
--
*****************************| Sig' Time |**********************************
JANET: [email protected] * Neil Postlethwaite, Computer Science,
INTERNET: [email protected] * Heriot-Watt University,
UUCP: ..mcsun!ukc!hwcs!neilp * Edinburgh, Scotland, UK.
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