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Parody Klingon Starship Log
TO: Imperial Fleet Headquarters Stardate 8314.1
FM: Commander, I.S.S. Manson
SUBJ: Monthly Status Report, Klingon Imperial Starship Manson
Listed below is a summary of all the trouble we could cause and get into
during the past month.
1. Explored the star system in sector 17. I sent an away team to explore
the fourth planet, the only one habitable. The inhabitants were not very
friendly. Our first indication was when the away team beamed back up, they
were all dead. I didn't take kindly to this, and so to give the new weapons
officer some practice, I had the planet blasted to a burned out cinder. That
should teach them some respect.
2. Mutiny: This month's mutiny was staged by the chief navigator and some of
his henchmen. My first officer was a casualty, from a boobytrapped toilet.
Talk about a mess. Anyhow, they tried to seize the bridge, and failing that
they took over engineering. We had a hell of a good time retaking the engine
room, the only thing that spoiled it was the light casualties. During the
fighting, one of the reactors was damaged, and so I had the mutineers go in
and repair it. After they were finished (getting great suntans
I might add), I had them all shot. The chief navigator was the only ex-
ception, I have him cleaning the ship's waste disposal system from the
inside with a toothbrush. He should be quite busy with the holidays coming up.
3. Core Rebellion: As you know, we participated in the crushing of the re-
bellion of the Core star systems. We were the first to arrive, coming out
of warp right in the sights of the rebel fleet. We were outnumbered 52 to
1 which meant they didn't stand a chance. We swooped in at them blasting
ships left and right. We destroyed about 125 rebel ships and would've had
the record if those faggots from the I.S.S. Jason hadn't shown up. They al-
ways have to show off. Anyway, in our enthusiam, we accidentally hit a few
of our of own ships,but we didn't destroy any. I had the weapons officer beaten
to a pulp for that. He was a trainee so I was lenient. After that, we went
in on the ebel home planet, laying waste to everything and generally having
a good time. we then set down and I let the crew loose for a bit a rape,
pillage and looting. They were in need of a little relaxation.
Unfortunately, we ran out of penecillan rather quickly.
4. Incursion: The incursion took place at the Federation neutral
zone. It was a Federation scout ship, the U.S.S. MONKEES. As much as I
hate it, I hailed them before firing. They hailed with "Hey Hey, we're the
Monkees!". I replied "Hey Hey, you're history!" and gave them a good blast.
What wimps; they didn't put up a fight. No fun at all.
5. Second incursion: This incursion was made by a Romulan vessel a week
later. They babbled something about a rescue mission, but naturally I didn't
believe them. I immediately set the weapons officer to blasting and we
did some damage before they engaged their cloaking device. They managed
to return fire and got in a lucky shot and hit us. There was no damage,
and unfortunately, no casualties. Since we are equipped with the new experi-
mental Remove O' Cloak Ray, we located them quickly and blasted them some
more. Unfortunately, they managed to escape with only major damage. I
had the weapons officer shot for that: I can stand only so much inefficency.
Thats all for this month, sorry about the casualties, they'll be higher
next month. We may even go for the record.
<signed>
Lt. Commander Kruge, I.S.S. MANSON
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