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The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition!
The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition
as told by Quark to Randall Landers
1) Once you have their money, never give it back.*
2) You can't cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try.
3) Never buy anything for more than is absolutely necessary.*
4) Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough.
5) If you can't break a contract, bend it.
6) Never let family stand in the way of opportunity.*
7) Always keep your ears open.*
8) Keep count of your change.
9) Instinct plus opportunity equals profit.*
10) A dead customer can't buy as much as a live one.
11) Latinum isn't the only thing that shines.
12) Anything worth selling is worth selling twice.
13) Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
14) Anything stolen is pure profit.
15) Acting stupid is often smart.
16) A deal is a deal.*
17) A bargain usually isn't.
18) Beware of relatives bearing gifts.
19) Don't lie too soon after a promotion.
20) When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat.
21) Never place friendship before profit.*
22) Wise men can hear profit in the wind.*
23) Never take the last coin, but be sure to get all the rest.
24) Never ask when you can take.
25) Fear makes a good business partner.
26) The vast majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their
wealth; they stole it.
27) The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you
cut it down.
28) Morality is always defined by those in power.
29) When someone says "It's not the money," they're lying.
30) Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.
31) Never make fun of a Ferengi's mother.*
32) Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.
33) It never hurts to suck up to the boss.*
34) Compassion is no substitute for profit.
35) You could afford your ship without your government--if it weren't for
your government.
36) Too many Ferengi can't laugh at themselves anymore.
37) You can always buy back a lost reputation.
38) Free advertising is cheap.
39) Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers.
40) If you see profit on a journey, take it.
41) Money talks, but having lots of it gets more attention.
42) Only negotiate when you are certain to profit.
43) Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.
44) Never argue with a loaded phaser.
45) Profit has limits. Loss has none.
46) Labor camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person.
47) Never trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.*
48) The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.*
49) Old age and gree will always overcome youth and talent.
50) Never bluff a Klingon.
51) Never admit a mistake if they're someone else to blame.
52) Only Bugsy could have built Las Vegas.
53) Sell first; ask questions later.
54) Never buy anything you can't sell.
55) Always sell at the highest possible profit.
56) Pursue profit; women come later.
57) Good customers are a rare as latinum--treasure them.
58) Friendship is seldom cheap.
59) Free advice is seldom cheap.*
60) Never use credit where your words will do.
61) Never buy what can be stolen.
62) The riskier the road, the higher the profit.*
63) Power without profit is like a ship without an engine.
64) Don't talk shop; talk shopping.
65) Don't talk ship; talk shipping.
66) Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for
it.
Anyone asking to be relieved is not crazy and must be forced to serve.
70) Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the
merchandise.
76) Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your
enemies.*
101) Never do something you can make someone do for you.
102) Nature decays, but latinum lasts forever.*
103) Sleep can interfere with opportunity.*
104) Money is never made. It is merely won or lost.
109) Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.*
111) Never sleep with the boss' wife unless you pay him first.
112) Never sleep with the boss' sister.
119) Buy, sell, or get out of the way.
123) A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a
customer.
138) Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder.
139) Wives serve; brothers inherit.*
148) Opportunity waits for no one.
164) Never spend your own money when you can spend someone else's.
172) If you can sell it, don't hesitate to steal it.
180) Never offer a confession when a bribe will do.
188) Never bet on a race you haven't fixed.
189) Borrow on a handshake; lend in writing.
194) It's always good business to know about new customers before they walk
in your door.
202) A friend in need is a customer in the making.
208) Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day.
Teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer.
214) Never begin a business transaction on an empty stomach.*
215) Instinct without opportunity is useless.
221) Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes.
222) Knowledge is power.
281) Blood is thicker than water, but harder to sell.
282) Business is like war; it's important to recognize the winner.
283) Rules are always subject to change.
284) Rules are always subject to interpretation.
285) No good deed ever goes unpunished.*
*Rules which have been quoted on Deep Space Nine.
The author wishes to thank the folks who have posted rules on CompuServe and
Genie and those who sent them in to us (including Martin Higgins, Marshall
L. Moseley, Jeremy Nichols, Greg Coody, Robert Larson, Richard H. Brown, M.J.
Vasko, Dan Bass, Susan Fox-Davis, Richard Writer, Susie Bauer, John Chase, R.
Scott Spradlin and others) for reporting and/or creating these words of
Ferengi wisdom. Material copyrighted to the original authors, and its
inclusion here is not meant to be a violation of any copyright laws.
Additional rules will be added to the list from time to time. Suggestions for
additional rules would be welcomed. Corrections and revisions would be
welcome as well.
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