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A cross between Star Trek and Cheers
Bar Trek-- The Best of Both Bars
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Picard...Frasier
Riker....Sam
Data.....Cliff
Worf.....Norm
Troi.....Rebecca
LaForge..Woody
Beverly..Lillith
Sela.....Diane
Fade into the usual starfield with the Enterprise traveling along.
Picard(voice only): Captain's Log Stardate 41038.4. The Enterprise is
heading to Alpha Beta Gammadata in response to a
distress call from its inhabitants..the Alpha Beta
Gammadatans...
Cut to a shot of the bridge, where Data is playing with a Chinese Finger
Trap, Geordie is playing a video game on the Main Viewer, Troi is
opening a pack of cigarettes, and Riker is sleeping in his chair.
Data: Hey, ah, Geordie. Did you know that the Finger Trap was invented
by, ah, Chin'gart of China around the 4th Century?
Geordie: Gee, Data, I didn't know that...
Troi: That's cuz he made it up, Geordie...he doesn't actually know all
this information he keeps astounding you with.
Data: Hey, contraire, mon frair... all my information is factual.
Picard comes onto the bridge.
Picard: Wake up, Riker!
Riker suddenly sits up in his chair, Troi crushes her pack of
cigarettes.
Picard: Anything to report, Number Twelve?
Riker: Yeah, I had this dream that I was covered in honey and Troi was a
real big bumble bee.
Troi gasps.
Picard: No, I mean about our mission.
Riker: Ah, no. Sorry.
Picard shrugs. Worf comes onto the bridge.
Worf: Afternoon, everyone.
Crew: WORF!
Geordie: What's your story, Worf?
Worf: Klingon orders drink, Klingon gets drink, Klingon drinks.
Worf goes to his station and pours himself a beer, then notices a
blinking light.
Worf: Sir, there's a subspace message coming in from Starfleet
Headquarters.
Picard: On screen.
The viewer changes to a shot of Admiral Hogan. (Hulk Hogan)
Hogan is looking off screen to the left(he's in profile)
Picard: Greetings, Admiral. What seems to be the trouble.
Hogan: Let me just tell ya this, Captain...the inhabitants of Alpha Beta
Gammadata are really getting flustered because some unknown ship
has really torn up their planet. (turns to face the camera) Your
orders are to get to their planet as fast as you can and assess
the situation. Early reports seem to point towards the Borg.
Picard: The Borg? We haven't seen them since my first voyage. This could
present quite a problem.
Hogan: Well, ya know that's exactly right, Picard. And don't forget
those nasty Romulans could be in the area too.
Picard: I always anticipate a reunion with Sela.
Hogan: Whatever...anyway..if it is the Borg, we must defeat them...so be
prepared to indulge in the three demandments of the training, the
prayers, and the vitamins, and if you run in to them, you tell
them from me this one thing...Whatcha gonna do..when the
Federation runs wild on you. Hogan out! (poses)
The screen switches to the FOX logo.
Picard: It appears we have quite a task ahead of us...LaForge..warp ten
to Alpha Beta Gammadata.
Commercials Fade back into an exterior shot of the Enterprise..titles
appear..
THE BEST OF BOTH BARS
Cut to transporter room
O'Brien(still played by Leslie Nielson): Coordinates are set, Commander.
Riker: Swell. Alright, lets find out what happened down there, O'Brien.
O'Brien: I thought I'd stay here for this one.
Riker: No I mean me and the away team.
O'Brien: Oh, yes of course.
Riker: Energize.
The away team disappears in the transporter beam, then materializes on
the planet's surface, which is all torn up.
LaForge: What a mess. You'd think they'd at least sweep up when they
knew we were coming.
Data: Well, Geordie, the Alpha Beta Gammadatans are a, ah, slovenly
people by nature.
Riker: I don't think this is the people's fault.
LaForge: Oh, here we go...blame the animals.
Riker: No, I mean I bet it was the Borg.
Worf: Well, this place is totalled. Can we go home now?
Riker: I guess so. (taps comm badge) Captain, this planet is in ruins,
but we can't be sure it was the Borg.
Picard: Will, during the time you were down there, the Hood arrived and
brought us an expert on the Borg. Commander Shelby found a Borg
signature. Number Twelve...its them. Beam back here at once.
Riker: You got it, sir. Riker out. (taps badge again) O'Brien, beam us
back.
O'Brien: Alright.
The away team beams back. Cut to bridge where Picard talking is talking
to a blonde woman. Riker and the away team enter from the turbolift.
Crew: WORF!!
Worf waves to everyone.
Riker: Well, Captain, where's Shelby?
The blonde woman turns around. Shelby is played by Kelly Bundy(Christina
Applegate)
Shelby: That's me.
Riker's jaw drops.
Riker: Uh....hi there. I'm Commander William T. Riker.
Shelby: Yes, Captain Pontiac has told me so much about you.
Riker: You mean Captain Picard...
Shelby: No, he told me about you!
Riker: Right...so Captain, you mentioned a Borg signature...
Picard: Yes, Number Twelve. Look at the viewscreen.
Cut to viewscreen where carved out on the planet's surface is the
words...
THE BORG WERE HERE!
Worf: Sir, message coming in from Starfleet Command.
Picard: On screen.
Viewer switches to Admiral Hogan.
Picard: Picard here...
Hogan: Ewwww!
Picard What can I do for you?
Hogan: Well, for starters, you can report your findings!
Picard: Admiral, the damage done to Alpha Beta Gammadata WAS done by the
Borg.
Hogan: Then it seems like I got some bad news for you, bruddah!
Picard: What do you mean?
Hogan: I just received word that a big cube shaped vessel attacked a
Ferengi ship in sector 0.9.
Picard: That's in Federation space.
Hogan: Well, lemme tell ya this, Picard...your orders are to go to
sector 0.9 and try to persuade the Borg to take a hike.
Picard: Understood, Admiral.
Hogan: And if somehow they make it past you, Mean Jean-Luc...the largest
fleet in the galaxy will be waiting in sector 0.7 to squeeze
their heads like a pimple.
Hogan rips off his dress shirt and poses as the WWF logo replaces him on
the screen.
Picard: Mr. LaForge, set a course for sector 0.9, warp nine.
The music reaches a peak as we fade out.
COMMERCIAL
Voice: From the makers of Horror Planet, Terror Train, Fright Night, and
Fear City comes the most frightening film ever...Jeff McQuillen
in....
THE SCARY MOVIE
Display scenes which show nothing scary about the movie.
Voice: The Scary Movie...starts Friday at a theater near you.
Fade back in to the Enterprise coming out of Warp.
Riker: Well, where are they?
Worf: hey, there's a ship at 9000 kilometers.
Picard: Plot a course to intercept it.
Worf: Sir, they've already moved to intercept US!
Shelby: How can you guys be thinking of football at a time like this?
LaForge: Sir, they are within visual range.
Picard: Put them on screen.
The screen switches to a shot of a small object in the distance.
Picard: Magnify.
LaForge gets out a HUGE magnifying lens and takes it up to the
viewer..the Borg ship is clearly seen now.
Worf: Sir, they are hailing us.
Picard: Let's hear what they have to say.
Borg Voice(Bill Cosby): You...are directed to lower your
shields...AND... transport Captain Jean-Luc
Picard to our ship, or you will be destroyed.
Any attempt to stop us will prove futile.
Riker: I thought they were only interested in the Enterprise.
Data: Looks like they, ah...changed their mind.
Borg: Funny you should put it that way.
Picard: Cut communications.
Worf takes out scissors and cuts a cable going into his console.
Riker: We won't let them take you, sir.
Picard: Nice to know you care. So...ideas anyone?
LaForge: Let's have a yard sale.
Picard hits his own forehead with his palm.
Data: Yo, ah, Cappy...I got an idea.
Picard: Gee whiz, Data...what a surprise.
Data: We could separate the saucer section and attack them from both
sides.
Riker: What? This thing can separate?
Picard: Shelby...you're the Borg expert..say something...
Shelby: Something.
Riker: How can you be a Borg expert when you've never met them. Come to
think of it, we only were around them for about 5 minutes.
Data: Plot inconsistency.
Shelby: Well, one thing's for sure...they inept quickly.
Picard: Adapt.
Shelby: No, it's true!
Riker: So, I guess the Main Deflector Dish is out of the question?
Data: Well, Willie, who's to say that this is the, ah, same ship? Maybe
the first one didn't tell the others about the dish.
Troi: Oh, I'm sure that when it pulled into base, its captain said,
"Umm..I accidentally hit a moon.
Picard: I'll take this into account.
The Borg clears its throat
Picard: Oops...almost forgot. Open channel, Worf. Borg commander, we
can't obey your directive.
Borg: Why not?
Picard: Because we don't want to.
Borg: Tough! Lower your shields and beam over! You will comply
immediately!
Picard: No, I won't.
Borg: Please.
Picard: NO!
The Enterprise rocks and everyone falls to the floor.
Worf: Sir, that did not come from the Borg ship?
Picard: Well, where did it come from?
The viewer switches to an external shot of the IRV Gary's Tavern.
Gary: Hello, Picard!
Fade out.
COMMERCIAL
Voice: This week on FOX, its the 23rd Annual Miss America Pageant with
special guest hosts, Mike Tyson and Clarence Thomas.
The show turns into a brawl.
Fade back into the viewscreen, now with Gary on it.
Picard: Cpt. Gary, what is the meaning of this?!
Gary: Take a wild guess.
LaForge: You want us to buy Avon products?!
Gary: Close, you are going to buy the farm.
LaForge: Ohhhhh...that's no so bad, I grew up on a farm.
Picard: Gary, can't you see we are a little busy?
Cut to Gary's bridge with Picard on screen
Gary: What do you mean?
Picard: Look behind you.
Gary: Oh no ya don't. I'm not falling for that old one.
Cut to external shot of Gary's Tavern with the Borg ship looming up
behind it.
Gary: Do you think we were born yesterday?
LaForge: Sir, I doubt they were...they wouldn't be this tall.
Gary: Prepare to die!
The Borg ship fires at Gary's Tavern as it explodes into a million
pieces.
LaForge: Ha! He MISSED!!!!
Borg: Alright, Picard. Now you see what we can do...are you ready to
beam over now?
Picard: The answer is still no!
A Borg suddenly materializes on the bridge of the Enterprise. It bears a
striking resemblance to Mark Lenard.
Worf: Sir, behind you!
Worf takes out his phaser and shoots the Borg, who falls down. Another
Borg materializes and grabs Worf. A third Borg arrives and grabs Picard.
Picard and the Borg beam away as Worf gets free. The second Borg leaves,
also.
Riker: Wow.
Worf: Commander...we must go get the Captain.
Data: Come on, Willie...lets beam over there and see what's up.
Riker: Alright, Worf, Data...lets go...
Troi: Oh, can I go too?
Riker: No
Troi: Oh, come on...
Riker: Alright, let's go.
Worf: Ummm, Commander..perhaps you should stay.
Riker: How come?
Worf: If we all leave, look who will be in charge.
All look at LaForge, who is picking his nose.
Riker: You're right. I'll stay here, and hurry up!
The away team exits. Cut to the Borg ship where the three materialize.
Troi: I sense someone is behind me.
Troi swings around and clubs Data, who falls to the floor.
Worf: Data, quit playing around, we have to find the Captain.
Data gets back up and they walk down a corridor.
Suddenly a Borg comes around the corner and approaches the away team.
Troi runs up and sticks her tongue out at it.
Worf: Counselor, duck!
Troi: That's Counselor Troi!!!
Worf shoots and Troi disintegrates.
Worf: Oops...
Worf hands his phaser to Data.
Worf: Umm...he did it.
Data: Hey, uh, Worfy, that is not true.
Worf: Shoot him, Data!
Data fires and the Borg falls down. Two more Borg come around the
corner.
Data: Here, take this back, I have one.
Data hands the phaser back to Worf and pulls out his own.
Data: Wait a minute..this is my dust buster.
Data puts it back on his belt and takes out a phaser. They both shoot
the Borg, who have adapted to block the rays.
Worf: Rats.
Data looks around the floor.
Data: Where?
Suddenly Worf looks down the corridor beside him and sees Captain
Picard, dressed in a Borg outfit.
Worf: CAPTAIN!!!
Worf runs down the hall and trips over a box.
Data: Worf, you fell.
Worf: Really????
Worf gets back up and tries to grab Picard, but a force field is around
him.
Data: We must beam back at once.
Worf taps his comm badge.
Worf and a Borg transport away...Data looks around at the many Borg
coming at him.
Data: Ummm...hi guys. You like trivia?
Suddenly Data beams away and the Borg comes back.
Cut to the Enterprise bridge.
Riker: Well, where are they?
Worf comes in off the turbolift.
Crew: WORF!!!
Worf: Hi everyone.
Data comes in off the turbolift.
Data: Afternoon everyone.
Crew: Booooo!!! Hissssss!!!!
Data slouches down in his chair.
Riker: So where's Troi?
Worf and Data exchange glances.
Worf: The Borg got her sir...
Data lowers his head and stares at the floor.
Riker: Oh...ok, well what happened to the Captain.
Data: Sir, he has been altered by the Borg.
Riker: Altered?
Data: Yeah, changed...
Worf: Sir, he IS a Borg.
Riker: Woah, this is strange.
Worf: I suggest we try the Main Deflector Dish again..RIGHT NOW!!!
Data: But what about the Captain?
Riker: If the Borg go into Warp we may never catch up.
Worf: Sir, the Borg are hailing us.
Riker: Put them on screen.
The screen switches to a shot of several Borg lined up. Picard steps out
from between them and comes into the foreground.
Picard: I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile. Your life, as it has
been, is over. From this time forward, you will service....US!
The music builds up slowly as we look at the faces of the crew. The
camera gets a profile of Riker and swings around to look him in the
face.
Riker: Mr. Worf.....
Riker looks confused and looks up at the ceiling.
Worf: Fire, sir?
Riker: Oh, yeah....
TO BE CONTINUED...
Last time on Bar Trek...
Hogan: Early reports seem to point towards the Borg.
LaForge: What a mess. You'd think they'd at least sweep up when they
knew we were coming.
Riker: Well, Captain, where's Shelby?
Shelby: That's me.
Picard: Plot a course to intercept it.
Worf: Sir, they've already moved to intercept US!
Borg: You...are directed to lower your shields...AND....transport
Captain Jean-Luc Picard to our ship...
Worf: Sir, that did not come from the Borg ship.
Picard: Well, where did it come from?
Gary: Hello, Picard.
The Borg ship fires at Gary's Tavern as it explodes into a million
pieces.
The Borg take away Picard.
Worf: Counselor, duck!
Worf shoots and Troi disintegrates.
Worf: CAPTAIN!!!
Riker: ..well, what happened to the Captain?
Data: Sir, he has been altered by the Borg.
Worf: Sir, he IS a Borg.
Riker: If the Borg go into Warp we may never catch up.
Picard: I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile. Your life, as it has
been, is over. From this time forward you will service....US!
Riker: Mr. Worf...
Worf: Fire, sir?
Riker: Um...yeah...
AND NOW THE CONCLUSION!
Worf: Main Deflector Dish ready to fire in three seconds.
At that moment, the Dish fires early.
Riker: Fired early, huh? Never happened to me...
Cut to outside where the beam is making no damage to the Borg ship.
Cut back to the bridge where Worf is wearing sunglasses.
Worf: Sir, the Borg ship is unaffected.
Data: We can only continue this for 10.47645 seconds before the Warp
Engines overload.
Riker: Alright, cut it out...stop firing.
Locutus: The knowledge and experience of the human, Picard is now
ours... Number Twelve.
The music fades up as we fade into the opening sequence.
COMMERCIAL
Fade back into the bridge where Riker is fixing his hair.
Riker: Look, Borg. We want our captain back and we want him now.
Locutus: We have assimilated Picard into our culture. And now we shall
assimilate all life into our culture.
The screen switches to an external shot of the Borg ship spinning around
and warping off the other direction.
LaForge: Sir, what do we do?
Riker: Power up the engines, LaForge. We are in hot pursuit.
The Enterprise warps off after the Borg.
Cut to the Ready Room, where Riker is playing with that thing with steel
balls at the ends of strings that bounce back and forth when you strike
them.
Door Chime: Tweeedlesquirge.
Riker: Come.
Guinan: May I come in?
Riker: I just said you could.
Guinan: Oh yeah. I just wanted you to know that a lot of the people on
this ship are scared. They don't think they will be alive
tomorrow.
Riker: Why? What happens tonight?
Guinan: The situation with the Borg...
Riker: Oh, that's right.
Guinan: They have complete faith in you. My question is...do you?
Riker: I'm not sure if I can handle the responsibility. Captain Picard
wrote the book on this ship.
Guinan: Yeah, and right about now its selling about as well as Paterno's
did.
Riker: So you are saying I should think for myself?
Guinan: Frightening thought, ain't it?! The point is...that's your chair
now.
Riker looks at the Captain's chair.
Riker: Thank you, Guinan.
Guinan: And if you tell anyone I was being nice and supportive...I'll
tear your ears off!!!
Riker: Gotcha.
Guinan exits as Riker sits down in the chair. He looks around the room
and leans back in the chair as he falls over backwards.
Worf: Commander, Admiral Hogan says he wants to talk to all of us in the
conference room.
Riker: I don't think he thought this one out...there's over a thousand
people on this ship. How are they all gonna fit in that tiny
room?
Worf: I think he meant only the command crew.
Riker: That would be more suitable. O.K., tell him we'll be there in
five minutes.
Worf: Aye, sir.
Cut to the conference room, where Riker is twidling his thumbs, Data is
playing with a paddleball, Worf is pouring a beer, and LaForge is
staring off into space.
Hogan: Hey, dudes...I received your report and am sorry to hear about
the Captain.
Riker: Then we are officially calling him dead?
Hogan: He will be labeled missing in action, and until such time as he
is found you will be promoted to Captain, Riker.
Riker smirks.
Data: Sir, it appears as though the Borg are going to try assimilating
all life into their culture.
Hogan: I'm well aware of that, Lt. Cmmdr. Data. A force has been
assembled at Wolf 007 to stop them from reaching Earth.
Riker: Understood, sir.
Hogan: So stick to the three demandments and I'm sure everything will
turn out fine. Hogan out. (poses)
The viewscreen switches to the Bar Trek logo.
Riker: Well, I suppose we should work on a plan to get the Captain back,
save the Enterprise, and make the galaxy safe from the tyranny of
the Borg.
Data: Yeah, my sentiments exactly...Cappy!
Riker: Oh, speaking of which, I should pick a new First Officer.
Everybody raises there hands and starts saying, "Oh, ME ME ME ME ME!"
Riker: Data, you would be the logical first choice...but I just don't
like you.
Data frowns.
Riker: Worf, I don't think you are sober enough for the job.
Worf has already passed out.
Riker: Geordie...not a chance.
LaForge is still staring out the window.
Riker: Which leaves only one choice....
Cut to the back of the room where Shelby is staring into a mirror.
Shelby: Where did you get this painting that looks like me?
Riker: God, I'm scared.
Cut to the Borg ship where Picard is being marched down a corridor for
his Borgification treatments.
Cut back to the bridge of the Big E.
Riker: Data, how long until we can intercept the Borg ship?
Data: Well, uh, Willie, I would say about, ah, 34.8734 minutes.
Riker: Remember a while back when I told you to round off your numbers
when talking to the Captain?
Data: Sure I do. I remember every fact that I am exposed to.
Riker: Well, Data....I'M THE CAPTAIN NOW AND I WANT YOU TO ROUND OFF
YOUR NUMBERS WHEN TALKING TO ME!!!!!!
Data: Sheesh! You do not have to yell at me.
Riker: Sorry, Data, it must be that new decaf that Guinan is serving.
Data: Quite understood, sir. (under his breath) You putz.
Riker: What was that?
Data: I said, ah, June Bugs...I was trying to remember that old saying
about June bugs.
Riker: Oh.
Shelby comes on to the bridge in a nightgown.
Shelby: Hey, wait a minute...this isn't my cabin. Mr. Worf told me my
cabin was this way.
Riker: Unnnghghhhhh....well, Shelby, while you're here, you might as
well sit down and help us plan for when we catch up to the Borg.
Shelby: Oh, ok.
She sits down beside Riker and stares at him.
Riker: You know, I think it would be best if we went to my quarters to
discuss this. (Leans towards her) I really don't trust Data.
Shelby: Oooooooooohhhh....alright.
Riker and Shelby walk to the turbo lift.
Riker: Mr. Data, you have the Bridge.
Data: Geee...thanks, Cappy.
Cut to Riker's Room
Worf: Captain Riker, urgent subspace message coming in from Admiral
Hogan.
Camera backs off of Riker's face and we see Shelby chained to the wall
behind him.
Riker: Alright, Worf. I'll be right there.
Riker exits.
Shelby: Great, this is the third time this week that someone left me
chained to the wall.
Cut to Main Bridge.
Riker: Put Hogan on screen.
Riker goes to sit down and Data is still in the Command chair.
Riker: DATA!!!! GO BACK TO YOUR OWN CHAIR!!!!
Data: Geez, sorry, Captain, sir.
Data returns to OPS.
The viewer switches to a shot of Hogan, now bleeding profusely from the
forehead.
Riker: Hey, what happened to you?
Hogan: It's the Borg, they are wiping out our forces at Wolf 007.
Riker: How did they get there so fast?
Data: I'd suspect a writer's flaw.
Riker throws a book at Data.
Data: Just like old times. ( Data chuckles)
Hogan: They have destroyed just about every ship we have...wait a
minute, they are beaming aboard my ship.
The viewer switches to a long shot of Hogan's bridge, where a Borg
arrives and looks a bit like Ric Flair.
Riker: Sir, look out.
The Borg clotheslines Hogan from behind and applies the figure four as
the screen switches to a shot of the space around the Enterprise.
LaForge: Hey, what happened, I was just starting to enjoy that.
Data: I think the Admiral was in a bit of trouble there.
Riker: Mr. LaForge, increase speed to whatever our top speed is.
Cut to external shot of the Big E warping away.
COMMERCIAL
Coming soon to a theater near you....two sequels packed into one big
film.
The Towering Inferno and Earthquake are happening at the same place at
the same time, and you'll wanna see what happens in the Samuel L.
Bronkowitz production of....SHAKE AND BAKE!!!!!!
Fade back in to the Enterprise zooming by Jupiter.
Riker: Where are they?
Worf: I can't seem to find them on scanners.
Cut to an external shot of the Borg ship coming out from behind Jupiter
and
now following the Enterprise.
Worf: Sir, they are right behind us.
Riker suddenly turns around into a karate chop stance.
Riker: Who is??!!! I don't see anybody.
Worf: Sir, the Borg...they are behind the Enterprise.
Riker: Oh, put them on screen.
The screen switches to a shot of the Borg ship closely following the
Enterprise
Worf: Sir, they are hailing us.
Riker: On screen.
The screen switches to a shot of Locutus and two other Borg.
Locutus: You are attempting to intervene again.
Riker: Well, it would help if we knew what you were doing.
Locutus: We intend to assimilate all life into our existence.
Riker: What do you mean?
Locutus: We will turn everyone into Borg.
Riker: Oh.
Data: Sir...
Riker: Shut up.
Data looks back up at the screen.
Locutus: We also intend to assimilate all life aboard Enterprise.
Riker: I see, well, I just don't think I can let you do that.
Cut to the outside where the Borg fire a warning shot at the Big E.
Riker: Close communications. I have a plan....
The screen goes blank then fades back in with the words One Minute Later
on the bottom of the picture.
Riker: Worf and Data, you know what you're supposed to do.
Cut to shuttlebay
Data: Aye, sir.
Riker: Alright, Geordie, I've written down what I want you to do with
the saucer section.
LaForge: Yeah, but what's this word right here...(holds paper up to
screen)
Riker: Geordie...that's your name.
LaForge: Oh yeah.
Riker: Alright, lets get ready. Hail the Borg.
The screen in the battle bridge switches to Locutus.
Locutus: Now what?
Riker: Locutus of Borg, we are ready to let you assimilate us.
Locutus: I find it unlikely that you are ready to be assimilated, I find
it more likely that you wish to intervene.
Riker: If Picard is truly a part of you, then you know Picard trusted me
implicitly.
Locutus looks at him strangely.
Riker: Well, at least he trusted me somewhat.
Locutus: Picard trusted you somewhat.
Riker: Then you know I am serious when I say we are ready.
Locutus: Then lower your shields or we will destroy your ship.
Riker: Then take your best shot cuz we are about to intervene.
Riker signals for communications to be cut.
Riker: Alright, lets separate.
LaForge starts to cry.
Riker: Geordie, what's wrong?
LaForge: Splitting up is so sad.
Riker: Never mind that, just DO IT!
Cut to external shot of the saucer separating.
Riker: Mr. O'Brien, pattern Riker Alpha One.
The Warp Drive section "ducks"(good pun, huh) just before the Borg
tractor beam locks on.
O'Brien: Sir, they are turning towards the Saucer Section.
Riker: That wasn't supposed to happen...ummmm....go to emergency
raspberry mode.
Cut to outside where a giant tongue comes out of the nose of the Warp
Drive Section and gives the Borg ship the raspberry.
O'Brien: Sir, the Borg are returning their attention to us.
Riker: As you should, Captain.
O'Brien: Sir, are you alright?
Riker: Of course, why?
O'Brien: You just called me Captain...I thought you were delirious.
Riker: No, I was talking to Captain Picard.
O'Brien:I......don't think he heard you.
Riker: Never mind...just get ready for Riker Beta One.
O'Brien puts on a ten gallon cowboy hat.
O'Brien: Ready sir.
Riker: LaForge, proceed with anti-matter spread.
LaForge: Aye, sir.
Cut to outside, where the saucer section starts shooting butter at the
Borg.
Cut to Borg bridge where the viewer looks over to the saucer.
Riker: Alright, Data and Worf...proceed with your mission.
Data: Aye, sir.
Data and Worf exit the ship in a shuttle and head toward the Borg ship.
Worf: Sir, we've penetrated the Borg subspace field.
Riker: Well done, Worf.
Data: Well, actually, I'm the one who is piloting this shuttle.
Riker: WHATEVER!!!!
Cut back to the shuttle where Data and Worf stand in the transporter
thingee.
Data and Worf materialize inside the Borg ship and go towards where
Locutus is standing with two other Borg.
Worf fires his phaser at the first extra Borg, who falls.
Worf: You get the second one while I incapacitate the Captain.
Data: Hey, you got it, Worfy.
Data shoots the second one, who has already adapted to the frequency.
Data: Darn.
Data readjusts his phaser and shoots, this time killing the Borg.
Worf: Captain, this is for your own good.
Worf punches Locutus in the face and his head spins around three times
as he falls to the ground.
Worf: Now lets go.
Data and Worf materialize back in the shuttle with Locutus.
LaForge: Captain, Worf and Data have successfully retrieved the Captain.
Riker: You realize you used captain in your sentence twice?
LaForge: I know...thats thanks to a new expand your vocabulary brain
implant
I just got.
Riker: Neat...ummm....beam the three back here immediately.
Worf, Data, and Locutus beam back to the Enterprise just as the Borg
blow up the shuttlecraft.
Cut to sickbay where Locutus is lying on a table.
Riker: Dr. Nobody...how is he?
Nobody: It's hard to say.
Riker: Please try to.
Nobody: Alright, he is neoscopiopetical...
Riker: Geez, you're right...that was a mouthful.
Nobody nods.
Riker: Alright, wake him up.
Dr. Nobody starts to shake Locutus and slaps his face.
Locutus: What what what???!!!!
Locutus looks around the room.
Locutus: Riker??? Incorrect strategy, Number Twelve, to risk the lives
of crew just to capture one man. Picard would never have
approved.
Riker: Maybe so, but this is my ship now. I'm the big man...the top
dog... numero uno hauncho...the Head CHEESE!!!
Locutus tries to get up and Worf puts a phaser right in his face.
Locutus: There is no need for apprehension, I mean no harm...no
harm....no harm ...no harm...
Worf slaps him in the back of the head...
Locutus: Ah, thank you. I shall continue on this ship to represent the
Borg.
Data leans over to Riker.
Data: I think I can free him of his ties to the Borg.
Riker: Oh? How?
Data whispers in Riker's ear.
Riker smirks: Awesome...get right on it.
Data walks away.
LaForge: Sir, the Borg are positioned directly above Earth.
Riker: I'm on my way.
COMMERCIAL
Larry(?): Hello, Ed here says Bartlys and James has a new wine cooler
that'll knock your socks off. He says its the best thing that
Bartyls and James has ever done. Ed thinks that this beverage
will beat out
water in the top five drinks.
Ed stands up and grabs Larry around the neck.
Larry: I CAN SPEAK FOR MYSELF!!!! WHY WON'T YOU EVER LET ME TALK???!!!!
DAMN YOU!!!!!!
Fade back in to the bridge with the Borg ship hovering above Earth on
the viewer.
Riker: Look how big that ship is...
---
LaForge: Yeah, and with the water that blue you can almost see it down
there... (starts laughing to himself).
The Borg ship starts firing at the Enterprise.
Riker: YIKES!!! Mr. LaForge, increase power to shields.
LaForge: Done!
Riker: Data, are you almost done...
Data: Sure thing, Willie...help is on its way.
Riker starts to sweat, which reactivates the tons of cologne he applied
this morning.
Riker: Ummm.....LaForge, set a collision course with the Borg ship.
LaForge: What?
Riker: I said... SET A COLLISION COURSE WITH THE BORG SHIP!!!!
LaForge: Oh, alright. (presses a code into the panel)
Riker: Data.....
Data: Hey, I'm waiting just like you are...
Riker: Countdown, LaForge...ten...nine...eight...seven...six..
Data: Almost here...
Riker: five...four....three....two...
LaForge: Captain...another ship is coming into this sector...its a
Ferengi ship
Riker: A Ferengi ship? Here? Put it on screen.
The screen switches to a shot of a Ferengi ship flopping all around.
Screen changes to show the bridge where Crusher is hitting Daimon Bach
on the ears.
Bach: Riker!!! Take her back....please!!!!
LaForge: Sir, I think we should get the doctor back now.
Riker: Um....quick..beam Crusher aboard.
O'Brien: Done...
Riker: Now lets put the Enterprise back together.
The side of LaForge's console falls off and he puts it back into place,
then staples it.
Cut to outside where the two sections reconnect.
Riker: Hmmmmmm....start firing everything we've got at the Borg ship.
The Enterprise unloads into the Borg, of course, causing no damage.
The Borg fire back and starts to burn away parts of the Enterprise.
Computer(Casey Casem): Warning. Outer hull breach. Structural damage in
ten seconds.
Riker: LaForge, collision course in five seconds...four, three, two,...
Suddenly the Ferengi ship crashes into the Borg and the big cube goes up
in a shower of sparks.
Riker: Wow.
COMMERCIAL
Crazy Hi: I am Crazy Hi, I am not selling you anything in this
commercial...and why not!!!!! To save you money!!!!!
Fade back in to the bridge of the Enterprise.
Riker: Well, looks like we've taken care of the Borg...oops...now what
are we gonna do for Picard?
Data: Sir, our special envoy is here...I am certain we scan get the
Captain back.
Riker: Lets get down to Sick Bay
Cut to sick bay, where Locutus is just getting up from the table.
Riker: Hello, Locutus...someone is here to see you....
Riker exits into the shadows and a figure appears.
Locutus: Who are you? What do you want from me.
Suddenly Lwaxanna Troi steps out(Played by Roseanne Barr)
Lwaxanna: Well, hello, you delicious man you!!!!
Locutus: NO!!!! NO!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cut to outside where the crew is standing.
Riker: Yep.....he's back!
Fade out
Commercials appear, then fade back into titles and closing theme.
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