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Toxic Custard Workshop - #83
When newsreaders have a conversation at home, does a sign light up
behind their right shoulder with a little picture of the topic?
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\******* *******//////////////////////////////
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES * * * WRITTEN BY DANIEL BOWEN
******* ******
Number * * * 10th February 1992 T
//////////////////////////////******* *******\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ H
I
SHOPPING HINTS S
When you go to shop for some new expensive stuff, such as a new stereo,
dress like a slob. That way, the salesmen won't try and push you too i
hard into buying something, because they don't think you'll buy s
anything because they think you haven't got any money. In fact, you
might find it difficult to attract the attention of any of the staff, t
with the exception of the security personnel. You might find that h
opening your wallet to count your $500 cash will do the trick. e
The other problem comes when you've bought the item from the bloke
who says "No problems" constantly, and are lugging the big heavy box T
home by walking the short distance back from the shop. The box is of C
course twice the size of the actual item within, in accordance with W
packing standards also commonly applied to breakfast cereals. This also F
explains the rattling within. The box will probably not be very heavy,
but, also in accordance with packing standards, will be just slightly t
too big for you to carry comfortably. h
Of course the problem is that you look extremely suspicious when e
dressed like a slob carrying a huge box which says "Mitsanyasonic y
XLD-3000 Bloody Fantasticly Expensive Thing" in big black letters on
the side. Every time you pass someone, you may have to strategically t
mention to whoever is with you that you hate "carrying this heavy gear h
back from the shop". Do not under any circumstances mention things o
which may sound suspicious to passers-by such as "oh man, it was murder u
getting it off the back of the truck." It may also be wise to stop g
buying expensive consumer electronics for a while and save up for a car h
to take home all the expensive consumer electronics which you won't be t
able to afford once you have a car.
w
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
u
Research has revealed that sports commentators scream like crazy to l
make sure everyone watching at home is awake when the good bits happen d
during the game. The rest of the time, they restrain themselves, merely n
making quiet comments so you can doze off. They make sure to turn up '
the volume during the commercial breaks so you're awake for that, but t
otherwise they let the audience snooze in peace. So that when you wake
up, your memory is full of highlights of the game, so you can think it m
was a really exciting action-packed fifteen minutes whereas it was in a
fact a completely and utterly dull seven hours. k
Research has also shown that in a cricket game when there's about e
to be a catch, and when, indeed, the ball is in the air, nine out of
ten commentators shout "it's in the air...!" Soccer commentators are i
well known for shouting "goal!!" while the crowd goes completely crazy t
and the players run around hugging each other, making the description .
of what just happened also fairly superfluous.
T
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
e
If you watched the opening of the Winter Olympics, you'd have noticed y
the new, novel way of lighting the flame. A fireball from the torch
runs up the wire to the flame. Watching this carefully, you'll notice t
that the flame lights before the fireball gets to it. Looks a bit h
suspicious to me... o
So, in search of a good joke, TCWF investigated, and got on the u
phone with Jacques de Frog, the designer of the flame. He explained g
that there was absolutely no cheating with the flame, but that because h
it was built precisely to the French design by French workmen using t
French materials, the whole thing was a total cock-up. Apparently
although the French are good at blowing up Greenpeace ships and small n
Pacific islands, they're no good at lighting fires. So basically the o
whole thing was rigged. But the bloke who lit the gas had set his watch -
wrong. o
Mr de Frog also revealed exclusively to us that Albertville, where n
the Winter Olympics are being held, was second choice. They were going e
to be held at Aix-les-Bains, but this was changed because apart from
the Canadians, none of the foreign television sports people could w
pronounce it. o
"It's been another tough day for the Australians in the Winter u
Olympics at Aches-less-Banes, if that's how you pronounce it. Former l
Commonwealth ski-slalom champion Barry Bonza fell down a mountain in d
the middle of an avalanche during the heats, was buried under snow and
tourist coaches for six hours and was finally found at 3am and taken to l
hospital where doctors reported that he had broken every single little a
bone in his entire body, including a number that they hadn't previously u
known about." g
h
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, we're sorry that Irene Busybody hasn't been seen a
for two weeks, but she's gone on holiday. She or a t
relative of hers will be back next week. Anyway,
there are more important things to worry about. There i
is terrible hunger and suffering in the world. t
Readers who wish to donate to the Make Daniel Bowen A .
Very Rich Man By Lunchtime Saturday fund may do so by
sending all cash, jewellry, bananas and small blonde
furry animals to PO Box 141, Southland Centre For The
Terminally Thick Consumer, Victoria 3192, Australia. T
Donations will never be seen again, but you are h
assured that all proceeds will go straigh to the e
author. y
Meanwhile, if all you want in life is a big desk,
a packet of bubblewrap for popping all day long, a w
pen you can paint walls with, a big house in the e
country with owls in the roof and frightening things r
in the moat, a grand piano in the toilet and a e
complete set of TCWF back-issues, you can send mail
to [email protected] for details on acquiring the r
latter. If you *really want* to. i
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ g
h
-- t
Copyright © 1992 Daniel Bowen .
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Rumours abound that McDonalds will use
Melbourne Australia | robots to make hamburgers. Maccas deny
[email protected] | that they've been using robots to serve
TCWF: [email protected] | the customers for years.
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