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Toxic Custard Workshop - #78
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES ____ ___
Written by Daniel Bowen / |___| Monday, 6th January 1992
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . | |___|RPM? . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
- Hello. I'd like to exchange last year for a new year, please.
- But.. what happened to the old one? S
o
- It's gone! It went at midnight last Tuesday night. We were all in the ,
street counting down with the clock, pissed as newts, and when we
reached zero, it had gone! 1991 had completely vanished by the time t
we'd finished the first verse of Auld Lang Syne and started throwing h
bottles at the policemen. We were practising for Bush's visit on e
Friday. Anyway.. I'm telling you! 1991 is gone! Kaput!
n
- I see. And in exchange for a vanished old year, last season's e
model, I might add, you expect us to hand over to you, without w
charge, a brand new top-of-the-range 1992 year with a free
bonus day and special "Leap" feature? y
e
- Yes please. a
r
-- *sigh* Well, okay. Here you are. Please take care of it.
Don't let it fly by, I want it back by next year! h
a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s
THE DOCTOR a
r
In the waiting room you wait your turn. r
Don't breathe in if you don't want germs. i
Come into my office and have a seat, v
I'm Doctor Killer, pleased to meet. e
d
Hello there, you say you're ill?
Better cough up, 'cos I don't bulk-bill. a
Lie down here; does it hurt? l
I'll put this cold thing up your shirt. r
e
Then I'll stick this thing up your nose, a
While you take off all your clothes. d
Lots of probes, and then some. y
In your ear and up your bum. .
Ah ha! I know what's wrong with you! T
Much more serious than just the flu. i
What would you like, a box of pills? m
I do hope that you've made a will. e
Take ten of these ten times a day r
Now piss off; on the way out, pay. e
Oh dear, he's dead, where's that nurse? a
I'll get her to call the hearse. l
l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... d
America. I think America is a wonderful place. Disneyland, the Grand o
Canyon, the Rocky Mountains, the Statue of Liberty. I think the US e
Government should build the twin statue for the Statue of Liberty. It s
could be a gigantic monument to all the values of America today. It
could be the huge statue of a white drug-running poverty-stricken anti- f
choice mass-murdering rap-dancing Ku-Klux-Klan supporting Republican l
voter who looks like a cross between Arnie and Sly Stallone, with big y
Rambo muscles (with the scars and stuff), a hamburger, a horrific
accent and a big hat. Drinking loads of beer and watching the Superbowl a
while he fires his gun into a restaurant. l
George Bush flew in last week, to meet the people, look around and o
take in all that Australia has to offer. In 67 hours. And I bet half of n
that was looking at the clouds through a plane window. g
Why is it that Bush looks so... shrivelled? Not as shrivelled as .
Ronald Reagan looked, I'll admit, but still shrivelled. He looks to me
like the type of weedy git everyone would gang up on in the school yard I
if he hadn't brought his 200 security men along. I saw him on the s
telly, driving down the freeway from the airport, somewhere in a convoy
of twenty big black cars. It must be to prevent terrorist attacks - i
they won't know which car to aim for. I wonder if he found out about t
the protestors in the city centre? A sort of New World Public Disorder.
I saw those thousand points of light, too. When all the press r
photographers' flashes went off at once as he made some inane comment e
about Waltzing Matilda. a
But he holds such power in those fingers of his. Apart from l
insulting people through car windows, that is. It's his job to protect l
the world.. to protect the world from the horror, the anguish and the y
pain of Dan Quayle. I wonder if the CIA even try and protect Quayle?
Maybe they just try and make sure he doesn't impale himself on a pen 1
he's signing documents with. Or would they really bother? Would it be 9
such a loss? I wonder if Mrs Quayle is also of abnormally low 9
intelligence? She'd have to be, you'd think, to marry him in the first 1
place. And if that's the case, how thick are their offspring going to
be? a
l
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ r
That was the first Toxic Custard for 1992. Hooray, e
happy new year etc etc. Now go and do something a
useful. Or, if you don't feel like it, you could d
grab a look at TCWF back-issues. For details of how y
to get your dirty mits on these, send mail to ?
[email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's just as well most houses have less toilets than people. Otherwise,
you can bet everyone would be on the toilet when the phone rings.
--
Copyright © 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
Melbourne Australia | POPE GETS GRIT IN MOUTH!
[email protected] |
TCWF: [email protected] |
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