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Toxic Custard Workshop - #76
*************** *** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES Number 76
**** *** ******* Monday 23rd December 1991
**** *** *** **** Written by Daniel Bowen
*** **** **** [email protected]
*** ********---------------------------------------------
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... H
Christmas. Christ knows where the idea of Christmas came from. Jesus? o
What kind of peace-loving poof was he anyway? You know where Jesus
would have come in handy? Working at McDonald's. One wave of his hand.. h
and bingo! Two hundred Filet'o'Fishes, piping hot. "Enjoy your meal, o
brother, and have a good life. Oh, I see that you are one of the meek.
Here, have one of our complimentary 'Inherit The Earth' special offer h
coupons." o
But how on Earth did the anniversary of the birth of Christ turn
into the vomit-inducing commercial Christmas we know and hate today? h
Well I'll tell you. It all happened centuries ago. A consortium of o
mediaeval toy manufacturers decided to promote Christmas as a time of
goodwill, and convince the ignorant peasants that the only way to show h
goodwill was to give the kids a Robin Hood Action-Peasant doll to play o
with. With working accessories. Collect the whole Merry Men (tm) range.
I really really really hate Christmas. Queueing up for years to buy h
all the Christmas presents for the little brats of relatives I know, a
when I know full well that they'll hate everything I hand over to them.
Well, almost everything. Let's face it, either they'll hate it and h
never use it, or they'll love it and smash it to pieces within five a
minutes of getting it.
Last Christmas I gave a cricket bat to my nephew, Matthew. Twenty h
minutes later we were in the ambulance on the way to hospital to get e
fifteen stitches put in his sister Jenny's head. And the bat was
broken. Bloody Taiwanese rubbish. We got another bat, of course. And h
Matthew does use it. For battering the other neighbourhood kids around. e
So it's been useful for him. He's collected $200 from threatening this
year. So he'll be able to get some nice Christmas presents for his h
family. The spirit of giving, what a wonderful thing. a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
a
CHRISTMAS TO BE CANCELLED?
Santaprises Ltd has been dogged by financial problems this year, and h
there are now some doubts that Christmas will go ahead at all. In a
September it was announced that Santaprises had made a $16.5 million h
pre-tax loss in a year. Santa said at the time that profitability would a
increase later in the year. h
In October a dispute with the Federated Elves Union slowed a
preparations for the Christmas rush. The FEU wanted working hours and
pay to be improved, with particular emphasis on penalty rates for late h
Christmas Eve work. A spokeself for the FEU claimed that most staff o
worked constantly on Christmas Eve, without even a break, and that more
staff should be hired to handle present deliveries. The dispute was h
settled peacefully, the elves accepting the offer of an extra tax-free o
lollypop for every hour worked.
Early last week, two men representing owners of some of the sleds t
leased to Santaprises boarded a sled at the North Pole Santaprises e
Despatch Centre and tried to repossess it- e
h
MAN 1: Okay scumbags. Stop loading those presents. This is our sled, e
and we want it back. e
h
MAN 2: Yeah, we want it back. a
h
HEAD ELF: I think you'd better have a word with the boss. [Calls] a
Father Christmas! h
a
MAN 1: Yeah, I think we'd better. *
a
MAN 2: Yeah. r
g
[Santa enters] h
*
SANTA: Elfy! M-man! What's happenin'?
C
HEAD ELF: Two gentlemen to see you, Santa. a
r
MAN 1: You Santa Claus? d
i
SANTA: Yo. a
c
MAN 1: Mr Claus, we represent Polar Holdings, owners of your sleds. And
we're here to repossess them. a
r
SANTA: Baby baby baby. Relax. Be nice. Owners? What is property? r
Property of something means you can give it away. Giving things e
away is great. That's my game, man. I'm a sort of reverse debt s
collector. Giving makes you feel good. It gives you a great high t
to give someone something. Okay, so it may cost me heaps, but !
every year... woo! What a trip! And anyway, bro', have you got a
court injunction saying we have to hand them sleds over? G
r
MAN 1: Well, no, not as such. u
n
SANTA: Then like, bog off, man, before we send you packing. Me an' the t
elves are busy. Elfy - show these dudes out. h
n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
Toxic Custard Workshop Files would like to wish all g
readers a really very bloody Merry fucking Christmas. t
And remember folks, swearing is almost as much fun s
as giving. A bumper set of TCWF back-issues makes a z
great gift! To find out how to get your FREE back- c
issues, reply to this, or mail [email protected] z
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
.
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen .
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Silent night, holy night
Melbourne Australia | Skins and punks, in a fight
[email protected] | Pros are offering evening delights
TCWF- [email protected] | Sleep and call the poli-i-i-i-ice
Sle-eep and call the police.
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