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Toxic Custard Workshop - #68
_____ ___ ____ ____ ____
| / | | |___ /____ |____| TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES P
| \___ \/\/ | |____| |____| Number 68- 28th October 991 O
-------------------------------------------by-Daniel-Bowen------------- M
M
ARTS FACULTY CAFE - MENU Y
- Repressed coffee scroll n
- Politically sound tea and coffee (no right-wing CSR asbestos-mining e
bastards company sugar available) x
- Beautifully conceived sandwiches t
- Meat-free, preservative-free, CFC-free, non-nuclear pie
- Explicit salad rolls w
- Liberated milkshakes e
- Socially acceptable chocolate bars e
- Potato chips with extra karma k
- Cosmic fruit buns
- Artistically valid fruit juice P
O
*And NO Zionist Imperialist Coca Cola!* M
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - M
Y
So, summer(*) time is here again. And of course every single little
person in the country is expected to fiddle with their clocks to adjust n
the time by an hour. Two plans have been proposed to revolutionise e
daylight savings in future. x
Many people think that this happens too often, wrestling with the t
clock controls twice a year being too much of a hassle. Their proposal
is for a constant summer/winter time, which would be between the two. w
Meanwhile, the clock fetishists' society, who all enjoy caressing e
the clock buttons and knobs as often as possible, lightly running their e
fingers over the controls, would like to propose a more complicated k
system, perhaps consisting of autumn and spring time, or even better,
a different time for every month. Clocks would have to be changed by P
ten minutes, twelce(**) a year. O
A spokesman for the clock fetishists' society dismissed the move by M
a splinter group of the society for a different time every day. This M
would require a change of approxiamately 19.76 seconds every day. Y
(*) All those north of the line thingy in the middle of the map, read n
"winter time". e
(**) Like twice, but twelve times, instead of... twice. x
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
Almost totally unrelated but included in this speil in search of a w
laugh are new claims made two years ago that when faced with a e
television crew from Hinch, The Investigators, or 60 Minutes, 93% of e
people will try and cover the lens with their hands, even though they k
know this is precisely the footage the crew want. Professor Hans Von
Fabre of Psychological Institute of Sociological Studies has a wild 6
theory that accidentally got accepted as offical Institute policy 6
during a rather fun night on illegal substances last month. The theory 6
says that holding hands in front of camera lenses is a reaction buried
deep in race memory, which goes back to the days when cavemen defended P
themselves from wild attacking birds by covering the birds' eyes. Fabre O
says that recent bones dug up have indicated to him that the particular M
birds precisely resembled television cameras. When he presented his M
findings to the institute, the reactions were varied, ranging from Y
"you're talking bullshit!" to "yeah man, that's cool!" and "hey vibes
and happenin' theories man.. I love you, you know that.. Oh wow, those n
elephants have flared trunks! Dude, man, chill out and have one of e
these cigarettes." x
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
*Popsicle* had arrived at the lab. So far, his thrilling adventure was w
looking exactly like the last one. Making his way past the politically e
doubtful and generally very heavy experiments, he found Doctor Wedge, e
who put down the kitten and welcomed him. k
"Greetings *Popsicle*, you big butch super secret agent, you",
slurped the Doctor. P
"Enough slurping Doc, on with the plot", replied *Popsicle*. O
"Certainly. But have you heard the latest changes to the storyline M
that the author has made?" M
"No.. I didn't know he could do that!" Y
"Oh yes. That's what comes of writing the story week by week,
instead of in an organised fashion", explained the Doctor. "We are no n
longer chasing banana smugglers.. it's much worse." e
The Inspector spoke for the first time this episode. Using all his x
resources and intelligence as a top crime-fighting police officer, he t
asked, "What?"
"The latest drug craze", answered the Doctor, "Is much worse than w
the last drug craze. It has to be. How else would the media find e
something to rave about? Before it was heroin, crack, bananas.. but now e
addiction has reached new heights.. NUTMEG." k
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How will *Popsicle* and the entire Establishment handle M
this new threat to society? By thumping people, I expect. e
Find out how, why, where, when, and how you can get hold of g
some stuff, in the next chilling thrilling bloodthirsty a
head-kicking violent bastard episode of Popsicle. Popsicle b
will not be seen next week, to make way for our TCWF o
special "Megabogue's Pommy" but returns in two weeks time. g
Should there be an apostrophe in "weeks" on the previous u
line? If you have an opinion on this, or anything else e
remotely related, send mail now to [email protected] '
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
You have been reading the pre-Pommy edition of the Toxic
Custard Workshop Files. Pommy, described variously as "a P
masterpiece", "very clever" and "who wrote this crap?" O
(Guess which of those quotes are genuine) is next week. M
Don't miss it. Back-issues of this stuff are available. M
Reply, or mail [email protected] for details. Y
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University ,------_----__-----__----_-------------------.
Melbourne, Australia-------------| /\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\ THE HEAVY- |
[email protected] | /\/ \_/ \__POMMY__/ \_/ \/\ METAL OPERA |
[email protected] | \/\_/ \__/megabogue\__/ \_/\/ In full |
---------------------------------| /\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\ Next week in |
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files | \/\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\/ TCWF |
[email protected] `-/\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\-----MoccaSIN-'
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