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Toxic Custard Workshop - #66
/ / # ####### ###### # TOXIC Number 66
/__ /__ ##### # # # # # CUSTARD 14th October 1991
/ 6 \ / 6 \ # # # # # # WORKSHOP by Daniel Bowen
-\___/-\___/--######-#-----#-######-#######--FILES-----------------------
W
There have been allegations recently that Toxic Custard has e
contained concealed subliminal messages relating to devil- l
worhsip, unnatural acts with animals, unnatural acts with l
RSPCA inspectors, clues as to the whereabouts of other ,
subliminal messages, unnatural acts with the author and how the
author wishes everyone would send him lots of money. All but i
the last two have been strenuously denied. An investigation of all t
the allegations made has concluded that in fact the allegations were
made by the author himself in search of a laugh. An investigation c
of the author has revealed that he is suffering from a common o
condition known as assignment fatigue. An investigation into u
assignment fatigue has revealed that it doesn't exist, but if l
it did, it would be the result of university students having to do d
work when they don't feel like it. This of course makes it very
rare. An investigation into investigations was abandoned because it b
was "too damn silly" by investigative investigator Mr Nick Natas. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - w
o
Do you suffer HAIR LOSS? r
What about SPLIT END? s
Ever considered BALDNESS? e
Baldness is now a simple option, with our revolutionary new ;
HAIRSUCTION. How does HAIRSUCTION work, you ask? Do you really want to
know? Well, basically, first the patient signs the indemnity form, then t
steps inside the HAIRSUCTION machine. The HAIRSUCTION machine has been h
especially developed by Dangerous Electronics Pty Ltd. A large vacuum i
tube is attached to the patient's head, then the HAIRSUCTION console s
operator stabs randomly at the buttons until the machine starts, then
runs for cover. If all goes well, as it may well do, within ten c
minutes, the patient will emerge from the machine, completely bald. o
A former patient, who preferred to remain anonymous, though we'll u
call him Louis (well, why not?), spoke us from his hospital bed for a l
large amount of money. "Yes, Hairsuction is marvellous. I only wanted d
three inches off my hair, but they CRAMMED my head into the Hairsuction
machine and turned it on. When I woke up here, I was bald. It's slashed b
my shampoo bills." e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
n
COT313 COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY 5------------------------------------------ u
m
Contact: Half a lecture, ten minutes of answering questions and an hour b
of boring student presentations per week. e
Prerequisite: Understanding of broken English for lectures. r
Syllabus: Data communications concepts and facilities: trying to
understand lecturer and keep up with notes; Data communications 6
codes and hardware; Packet-switched something-or-others; Local area 6
thingies; ISO, ANSI, OSI, RSI and other acronyms containing the 6
letters I and S. .
References: A pile of 4 books costing $40 each, weighing 3 tons between
them, which you'll never actually need in tutes. B
u
LEC301 INSULTING LECTURERS 1 - CLOTHING PART 1------------------------ t
Contact: Three lectures per week. t
Prerequisite: Sense of fashion, shame, LEC304 (Entering lectures late). h
Syllabus: Skivvies, cords, flares, daggy shirts, hairy jumpers, a
introductory anonymous insults. t
LIB203 QUEUEING UP FOR PHOTOCOPIERS----------------------------------- w
o
Contact: Three hours queueing per week. n
Prerequisite: Patience '
Syllabus: Working the change machine; finding the end of the queue; t
filling in time in the queue; queue jumping.
Reference: Long books for filling in time. b
e
PUB273 BEGINNERS' PUB BRAWLING----------------------------------------
f
Contact: Two hour lecture plus two hour drunken rampage per week. o
Prerequisite: Alcoholism (recommended) r
Syllabus: Finding a good pub; getting on the piss; getting pissed;
getting pissed off; finding a pissoir; giving up and pissing over a
the bar; pissing off the barman; picking a fight; pissing off home b
before the cops arrive. o
References: Carlton United Breweries catalogue 1991. u
t
SFT311 SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT 5-----------------------------------------
e
Contact: Half a lecture in a monotone voice and a lab session on the l
nice shiny new X-terminals in E block if you're lucky. e
Prerequisite: SFT211, SFT212, ability to withstand fatal levels of v
boredom. e
Syllabus: 4th generation languages; why they're so bloody incredible; n
fiddling with X-windows; waiting for tutors; finding which lab
you're in this week; conning assignment answers out of tutors; y
getting that potato chip out of the keyboard. e
References: Lecture notes available in the bookshop, meaning you can a
skip the lectures! r
s
SYS216 INFORMATION SYSTEMS 4------------------------------------------ .
Contact: Two one hour lectures (if they don't clash with your other T
subjects) and a two hour tutorial (hopefully not with RK!) h
Prerequisite: SYS215 (twice if you failed it last year), SFT112, COT114. a
Syllabus: Software ergonomics; falling asleep in lectures; arranging n
yourselves into groups in tutes; cutting up bits of paper and k
drawing little diagrams in the name of user-friendliness;
explaining to your mates why you were the only one to get a g
distinction in that last test. o
References: Page-Jones, M., The Practical Guide To Books You'll Never o
Read, Yourdough Press, 1988. d
n
e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
Cashthread Airlines announce the arrival of Toxic Flight 66 s
from somewhere or other. Back-issues are now available; for .
details reply to this, or mail [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | ToxiCustardWorkshopFiles [email protected]
Melbourne, Australia-------------|--------------------------------------------.
[email protected] | /\_/ \__/ \___/ \__/ \_/\ |
[email protected] | /\/ \_/ \__POMMY__/ \_/ \/\ C O M I N G |
| \/\_/ \__/megabogue\__/ \_/\/ S O O N |
`-/\/ \_/ \__/ \__/ \_/ \/\-----MoccaSIN-'
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