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Toxic Custard Workshop - #21 to #30


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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
*********************PARTS TWENTY-ONE TO THIRTY*****************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen [email protected])

______________________________________________________________________________

21 Today, 21 Today

TOXIC MUTANT NINJA CUSTARD
############# ###### ###### ##### ### #########
### ### ## ## ### ###### ### ####
### ### ### ### ### ### ### ###
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Toxic Custard Workshop Files Number 21 - 31st October 1990
Written by Raymond Luxury-Yacht ([email protected])

AND NOW, DUE TO POPULAR DEMAND...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LENNOX: Good-morrow, noble sir.

MACBETH: Mornin' all, have a good kip?

MACDUFF: Is the king stirring, worthy thane?

MACBETH: Nope, he got a bit piddly last night.

MACDUFF: He did command me to call timely on him; I have almost slipped
the hour.

MACBETH: Cripes, well I'm not waking up the king; he'll have my head
lopped off!

MACDUFF: I know this is a joyful trouble to you; But yet 'tis one.

MACBETH: Yeah well.... someone's gotta wake up the old git. This is the door.
I'll go and put the kettle on.

MACDUFF: I'll make to bold to call, For 'tis my limited service. [HE GOES IN]

LENNOX: Goes the king hence to-day?

MACBETH: Yeah, that's what it says in his appointment diary.

LENNOX: The night has been unruly: where we lay,
our chimneys were blown down, and as they say,
Lamentings heard i'th'air, strange screams of death,
And prophesying with accents terrible
Of dire combustion and confused events
New hatched to th'woeful time. The obscure bird
Clamoured the livelong night: some say, the earth
Was feverous and did shake.

MACBETH: Yeah, I was pissed too.

LENNOX: My young remembrance cannot parallel a fellow to it.

[MACDUFF RETURNS]

MACDUFF: O horror! horror! horror! Tongue, nor heart,
Cannot conceive nor name thee!

MACBETH, LENNOX: What's the matter?

MACDUFF: Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!
Most sacrilegious murder hath broke ope
The Lord's anointed temple, and stole thence
The life o'th' building.

MACBETH: Come again?

LENNOX: Mean you his majesty?

MACDUFF: Approach the chamber, and destroy your sight
With a new Gorgon: do not bid me speak;
See, and then speak yourselves.

MACBETH: Oh shit... And we only just had the carpet steam-cleaned.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

WELCOME BACK. AND NOW WE CROSS LIVE TO SCOTLAND, WHERE JONATHON DIMBLEBY IS ON
THE SCENE, WAITING TO FILL US IN ON THE LATEST DEVELOPMENTS ON THE MURDER OF
THE KING.

JONATHON: Thank you Richard. I have with me here a nobleman of Scotland, in
fact the man who found the murdered king. Mr Macduff, what has
happened here?

MACDUFF: Murder and treason! Look on death itself! up, up and see
The great doom's image!
As from your graves rise up, and walk like sprites,
To countenance this horror!

JONATHON: I see. Well, also here is Mr Lennox, another nobleman of Scotland.

LENNOX: Aghast I stood as I surveyed the scene
Of the horror of this day.
Though the murderer is not found,
Mayhaps he is closer than we think.

JONATHON: And finally, Mr Macbeth. Any comment to make?

MACBETH: Yes Jonathon. Although it does look at first glance that the king has
been brutally murdered, I have inspected the situation, and it looks
very much to me as if the rats got him.

JONATHON: Rats?

MACBETH: Yes Jonathon, rats. After all, we must remember that this is the
middle ages, and that beubonic plague is commonplace.

JONATHON: Yes, well, on that note, back to the studio.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOT COMING SOON:
ATTILA THE BAR-STOOL

PROBABLY COMING SOON:
MARK ANTHONY THRILLS THE CROWDS WITH HIS HIGHLY ORIGINAL SOUND

_______________________________________________________________________________

RIP Good Taste.

FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN. LEND ME YOUR EARS.

Yes, I see. And this loan is to be secured by the deposit of thirty percent
of your net tangible assets for the loan period is it?

********************************************
* Toxic Custard Workshop Files *
* Number 22 *
* 5th November 1990 *
********************************************

WATCH THIS EPISODE CAREFULLY because somewhere
in it there is a concealed political message!

S P O R T - R E P O R T - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You're reading the Toxic Custard Sports Machine! And welcome one and all
to the 1990 SUICIDE OLYMPICS. Yesterday provided some great deaths, and
unfortunately they were so successful that of the original 50
competitors, there are only two left. Before we see the finalists play
it off, here are some of the highlights from yesterday's competition.

- Australian Bruce Fosters got completely pissed and climbed into the
cab of his semi-trailer to go on to a stunning death on the Pacific
Highway in Queensland, unfortunately taking most of a fifteen
interstate-coach convoy with him.

- US giant athlete Ralph Yankovich had three attempts before his
strategy of lunch at a McDonalds restaurant in Florida paid off. On the
third attempt, known mad gunman Arnold Psychopath (a member of the
Florida Union of Criminal Killers; and a gun-lobby activist) entered and
shot him. US team strategists say that if it hadn't happened by Ralph's
fifth attempt, the food would have killed him anyway.

- Englishman Dave "Killer" Pomson managed to breathe in the smoke from a
world-record seventy-five packets of cigarettes yesterday in a
university common-room, and doctors pronounced him dead of lung-cancer
late last night.

At the conclusion of yesterday's competition, the only finalists left
alive were *THE LABOR PARTY ARE TWATS, AND THE LIBERAL/NATIONAL
COALITION ARE MORONS* two Irishmen, Mickey O'Thickhead and Paddy Cell.
Team officials announced this morning the details of today's attempts to
kill themselves.

- Mickey O'Thickhead will watch sixteen hours of Channel Ten
transmissions. Experts don't expect him to last more than five hours at
the most. Some have estimated that he will be brain-dead within the
first hour.

- Paddy Cell will return to his native Belfast, sporting an
orange-coloured "I Love Ian Paisley" T-Shirt.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 1990 SUICIDE OLYMPICS ARE PROUDLY SPONSORED BY
/\/\uckDonald's "Good time, great taste
All in a CFC lined case"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TOMORROW'S MELBOURNE CUP CERTAINTY:
Salman Rushdie won't be riding the winner.

NEXT ISSUE: Mark Anthony & The Credits

_______________________________________________________________________________

MONASH UNIVERSITY - NEW EXAMINATION REGULATIONS REF:T23-071190
-----------------------------------------------------

All students should take note of the following additional and modified
examination regulations.

1. Candidates must not attempt revision earlier than thirty (30) minutes before
the scheduled start of an examination.

2. Candidates must miss their trains on the way to examinations or not be able
to find a parking space if they are driving.

3. Room allocation for candidates will be posted up precisely five (5) minutes
after the examination has begun.

4. Examination supervisors must be a minimum of sixty-five (65) years of age,
completely deaf, totally ignorant of the subject being examined, and unable to
spot a raised hand at a distance of more than two (2) metres.

5. No matter how hard they try to find a decent table, all candidates will end
up sitting at one with a minimum of one leg a different length to the others.
Candidates are advised to seek the attention of an examination supervisor by
dancing on the table, until a supervisor comes and attempts unsuccessfully to
alleviate the situation with piles and piles of folded-up bits of paper.

6. Strictly no talking is permitted in the examination room. Well, all right,
you can talk until the old geezer says "Start reading". But not after that.
From that point onwards, a variety of hand-signals and facial expressions may
be employed.

7. Dropped pens must roll a minimum of three (3) metres, generally under
someone else's desk. No spare pens will be available.

8. During Reading Time, no writing whatsoever is permitted. However, for
multiple-choice questions, a calculator in hexidecimal mode may be employed,
for later transcription of answers into the answer booklet. An alternative is a
nice sharp fingernail.

9. Lecturers for examined subjects will be almost impossible to get hold of,
and when the candidate does get to speak to them, they won't know what the
candidate is talking about.

10. The typographical error quota this semester is three (3) per page.



OHNOIT'SREALLYTOXICCUSTARDWORKSHOPFILESNUMBERTWENTYTHREEWHAT'SHAPPENEDTOTHE
SPACEKEYOHNO,IT'SBROKENHOLDONI'LLTRYTHETABKEYINSTEAD
AH THAT'S A BIT BETTER NEVER MIND, ON WITH
THE FILE OH GOD NOT MORE SHAKESPEARE

ANTONY: Friends, Romans, countrymens lend me your ears;
I come to praise Caesar, not to bury him;
The lives that men do evil after them,
The bones is oft good with their interred,
So noble it be with Brutus.... the let Caesar
Ambitious told you hath wash Caesar
If it were so, hic was a grevious fault,
And anshered greviously Caesared hath it....
Here hear, under Brutush of leave and rest the
(For Brutush he's an honouraball man
Sho are they all; all all all all all very honourable men indeed yes)
Comes I to shpeak in Caeshar's funeral
He wash my fiend, faithful and just to me, oh yes he was... always
But Brutus saids he was amb... amb... ambithouse?
And Brutus is an honourable man... I've said that, haven't I
But God I loves Caesar; 'cos he was my mate...

PLEBEIAN 1: Methinks there is much reason in his sayings.

PLEBEIAN 2: You reckon? I'd say he's shit-faced.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SHORT JOKES DEPT
----------------

New toxic, ozone-depleting, environment un-friendly
**FLAVOURED AIR** Now available from Nippon-Murdoch Pty Ltd

GARDENING TIP
Install a bird feeding post. This will-
- support the local bird population
- get rid of those pesky slugs naturally, but most of all
- save on cat food

MEET GOD IN PERSON!
This Thursday from 12-2pm, God will be signing copies of his new single, "I
Don't Like Fridays" in the record department at Myer Southland.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Toxic's back.. and it's not funny.

+----+----+ +--------+ + + +---------+ +----+ + +
| | | | | | | |
| | | + | +------+ +----+ +----+
| | | | | | | |
+ +--------+ +----+----+ + +----+ +
T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S 2 6 N O V
'ere, what the
INGREDIENTS: 'ell is a Nov?
Benzidrine, flouro-wancezine-mega-carbonate, hyper-concentrate-thingy, a
joke, some stuff, chemical additive U.G.H. (Under-Graduate Humour), and
Mango Milkshake. Laugh compatible. Do not over-quote or paraphrase. Do
not expose to delete command.

THE METROPOLITAN TRANSIT AUTHORITY is pleased to announce the new
transport zoning system for the Melbourne metropolitan area, which we
have been working on ever since the last zoning system came into effect.
The new system will consist of not three, but forty-seven zones. To work
out which zone you are in, take the page number of the Melways
street-directory you are in and call it 'x'.
Your zone = int ((x * tan (x) ^ 2 ) mod 47) + 1

The zones are not actually numbered, but are named after colours. Whereas
in the old system the zones were 1, 2 and 3 (or yellow, blue and red),
the new system consists of zones named blue, navy blue, light blue,
electric blue, royal blue, red, bright red, pink, burgundy and so on.

The bus and tram numbering system has also been changed. These will now
be known by the names of animals. So, to go from Carnegie to the city,
you now need to catch the giraffe tram. If you wish to go by bus, you
could get the grasshopper and change to an ostrich at Hotham Street, blue
zone. Your ticket will need to be valid in zones blue, bright red, pink,
mauve, gold, bottle green and paisley.

AND NOW A REPORT ON THE SNAIL TOLL
The snail toll this year has risen to 382,272; more than 20,000 higher
than this time last year. Experts from the RSPCA accident research unit
and "Gardening Australia" say that if little more rain is present for the
rest of the year, the year's toll may be no higher than last year's
total.
Joe Wheelbarrow, RSPCA spokesman said "It's a matter of public
education. These snails must be taught not to go out onto the paths of
this city straight after rain, only to be squashed flat by a drunk in
charge of a shoe."
COMING UP NEXT WEEK... THE NEWT TOLL

"THE FINAL SOLUTION"
by Prof Yoshe Cohen
A new and dynamic look at calculus

HOW MUCH OF A COMPUTER DAG ARE YOU?
How many people that you see regularly do you talk to more often
electronically than face-to-face?

THE BEST SOFTWARE FOR THE LUNATIC COMPUTER USER...
"StuffED" Text Editor - special features:
- Language bias module: Won't edit COBOL source-code
- AutoCorrupt (tm)
- Count bugs in editor
- Multi-user/one file "Edit Wars"

And remember; eat all your ^s

© 1990 Daniel Bowen.
But who'd wanna copy this crap anyway?
(Except for Henry Cate.)

_______________________________________________________________________________

Mundane Issue.

Mundane Productions Present
A Boring Feature
Live, from Melbourne, Australia
(Boring capital of the world)
(Well, okay then, it's Nova Scotia really)
__
__|__ __ |__ Silver episode#25. In other words,
| OXIC | USTARD | |ORKSHOP | ILES whilst reading this, paint yourself
| |__ |_|_| 3/12/90 | with silver. (Is that right?)
By Raymond Luxury-Yacht ([email protected])

A NEW SUGGESTION FOR COMBATTING THE POPULATION EXPLOSION
- Compulsory execution of little sisters

THE ECONOMY
The trade figures for the month of October 1990 were
released recently, and it has been revealed that the Trade
Deficit for 43 South Street has increased for the third month
in a row. This means that the Taylor family are now officially
in a recession.
Mr John Taylor commented that the recent capital
requisition programme (a lawn-mower) was a factor in the
latest figures, but blamed the onset of the recession on the
Prime Minister's eyebrows. "He should cut back, like the rest
of us. In these days of hard economic times, it is wrong to
have eyebrows that big. He should be providing all of us with
a good example that we can follow. And the opposition aren't
any better, Mr Stockdale in particular."
THIS JOKE HAS BEEN CANCELLED
DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST.

Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?/\
No, it's / \
--------------------- - Leaps tall terminals in a single bound!
S U P E R U S E R - Wipes out users at the press of a button!
--------------------- - Closes down the computer at a moment's notice!
\ / - Sacrifices spare time to keep the system going
\/ for all of us. Isn't he a nice guy? Don't we
all love our system managers?

Meanwhile, on the planet Plagiar, the most powerful evil and ruthless being
in the universe, the monster Subschema, was plotting to take over the
universe with his trusty sidekick, Sponge.
"We'll start with the strategic placement of forty-thousand space-cadets
at Mrs Rubberneck's at number 28."
"Yes lord", replied Sponge.
Suddenly, a conveniently weakened door burst in, and Subschema was
confronted by his sworn enemy - Captain Fringe.
"Haha - caught you Subschema; trying to take over the universe again!
You're under arrest under Intergalactic Law. You have the right to remain
silent. You have the right to legal representation. You have the right to
normal life-support for your species. You are warned that you may be
extradited to your planet of origin or imprisoned on a suitable planet with
livable atmosphere. Oh shit, where's my gun got to?"
As Subschema began to move towards him, Fringe backed away.
"Not so fast Subschema - I have with me the most feared species in the
Galaxy. Worse than the Gonzaloids, the Wimpians and Jason Donovan combined.
They'd make Daleks quiver in their casings; they'd make Cybermen want to take
the day off."
"You don't mean..." said Subschema.
"Yes!" said Fringe triumphantly, as clicked his fingers and the shadow of
something came down the corridor.
The something came in, mumbling in a monotone (Steve Kilbey style) as it
came.

*** C h o o s e y o u r o w n p u n c h l i n e ! ! ***
YOU decide how this bit ends.... who comes down the corridor?
/ \
If you think it should be a computer If you think it should be a hard-core
technology lecturer, read this side. "Doctor Who" fan, read this side.
------------------------------------- -------------------------------------
"So, we can see that records may be "... but Silver Nemesis wasn't nearly
accessed several ways would you be as good as Earthshock, I reckon
quiet up the back please I hope you because I got Earthshock last week
are listening to this, because it third generation and the picture
will be on the exam and besides you isn't too bad although the episode
can't do programming all your lives breaks are missing but did you hear
you will have to get onto DB design about that episode of Invasion they
sooner or later because programming recovered in an attic the same bloke
may be stimulating initially but you found it that got hold of that Ice
can't keep it up forever no matter Warriors footage and I'm getting a
what language you use... language... copy next Wednesday if I'm lucky
sounds a bit like sandwich... anyway along with some of The Daemons in
sets are implemented as pointer colour although the start of episode
chains and an entity can point back one's missing and it's good to see
to its owner... take me to your owner them making some good episodes now
it'll say..." that JN-T's finally going... "
\ /
Surrender was a certainty.

AUTHOR'S PROMISE:
I will never, ever do that again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TCWF is published in weekly parts every Monday for you to read and delete.
And with the first issue you don't get a complementary straight-jacket. For
back issues, just mail [email protected] But do not send money
now. Or ever. Unless you really want to. Actually, on second thoughts, send
me all your money. That address again, [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEXT WEEK we'll be looking at how to get into the lunatic asylum of
your choice. And we'll be visiting the John Major School of Really
Interesting People, and the Henry Cate School of Joke Copying.

THIS EPISODE HAS BEEN CANCELLED
DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST.

______________________________________________________________________________

Stutter A-l-l-lert

T-T-T-T-T-T-T-O-O-OXIC
C-C-C-C-C-C-C-CUSTARD
W-W-W-W-W-W-W-WO-WO-WW-W-W-W-WORKSH-SH-SH-SH-SHOP
F-F-F-F-F-F-F-FUCK OFF THE LOT OF YOU, ST-STUTTERS AREN'T FUNNY
Number 26. 8th December 1990.

AND NOW, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR SMILEYS :-)
- Well known smiley personality Guy Smiley (see artist's impression,
above) of Sesame Street fame has been arrested on obscenities charges.
- A network committee will look into the recently high population growth of
smileys on Internet. They will in particular be looking at the high migration
of smileys into NetNews, and the alarming incidence of homeless smileys in
rec.humor.

NEW! FROM REAL-LIFE TOYS PTY LTD "ActionHuman" (tm)
Fully moving limbs! Total realism! Available in male or female
configurations, in a range of ethnic stereotypes!
- they walk!
- they talk!
- they listen to Milli Vanilli!
- they scratch themselves!
- they watch television all day!
- they pay taxes!
- they get pissed and go drunk-driving!
ALSO AVAILABLE: "ActionEarth" (tm) - authentic landscape for ActionHuman.
- place your ActionHuman on ActionEarth, and he/she will charmingly work to
destroy his/her own environment, cutting down trees, creating CFCs, and
generally having a good time.
- put two or more ActionHumans on ActionEarth, and they will argue over
bits of it, eventually blowing the shit out of each other, and
completely obliterating ActionPlanet as well.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

NEW TELEVISION SERVICES
Agreement has been reached to set up a new range of specialised television
channels. A consortium headed by PUN-TV Services will run the following new
cable-channels. They are designed to be of interest to particular groups in
the community.
- Channel Channel - (Previews of what's on the other channels)
- The Chanel Channel - (French perfume users)
- Chunnel Channel - (live coverage of the Channel Tunnel project)
- Flannel Channel - (cleaners' news)
- Flannelette Channel - (headbangers music channel - in association
with Bogan International Corp.)
- Funnel Channel - (plumbers news)
- Tunnel Channel - (programmes for miners)
- Panel Channel - (programmes featuring game-show panels)
- Penal Channel - (prisoners' television)
- Canal Channel - (for those interested in barges)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ASMUTH SHIPYARDS PTY LTD - Invoice 3 Jan 4021BC
Client: Noah
Contract summary: Ark - to build ark big enough to contain entire Noah
family plus their pets. Complete before it starts raining.
Completion date: 29 Dec 4022BC
$ c
Materials:
- Wood 147,263.48
- Glue 18,269.32
- Nails 29,262.97
Labour (incl. union fees, overtime) 893,726.29
------------
Total amount payable 1,088,522.06

"Yes, we can arrange finance" Bankcard, Visa, Mastercard welcome!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

POLITICAL NEWS
Margaret Thatcher has been awarded The Order of Merit. This means that
she will no longer be known as "That fascist bitch-cow Thatcher" but
instead as "That fascist bitch-cow Lady Thatcher".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coming up soon on the Toxic Custard Workshop Fuckoffthelotofyou...
- TCWF Christmas Special!
- TCWF New Year Special!
- The rise and fall of TCWF
- Shakespeare saves the day again
- "Why do I bother?" asks author
Comments, complaints, back-issues, etc etc etc-> [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WELCOME TO DECEMBER! In this the most dangerous of months, when Christmas
is almost upon us, be careful when travelling. For instance, while pushing
your way through the crowds to the check-out during the Christmas sales,
please take care not to squash people flat.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Welcome to the prestigious opening of this new Toxic Custard Workshop File by
HRH the Duke of Kent. He will shortly arrive by double-decker elephant, and
present a banana to the Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister will then make a toast... oh, sorry, make SOME toast,
and add to it some butter made from east-Peruvian goats' milk. The
Governor-General will then put on his ballet frock and dance to his favourite
Metallica record. The Duke will then stand on his head while shouting "PING",
while the crowd serenades the local eels with a rendition of "I Did It My Way".
Three dozen journalists dressed in ceremonial robes will then do a
war-dance to the great god Murdoch, while a collection of ten million green
bottles is inspected by the Prime Minister, who will cry into most of them.
The author will then be called on to do the traditional "dish drying"
ceremony, and will cease typing this mindless drivel into the keyboard.

YOU ARE WATCHING=================================================Rating:Average
*** *** * * * *** TOXIC NUMBER WRITTEN
* * * * * * CUSTARD TWENTY-SEVEN BY
* * * * * *** WORKSHOP SEVENTEENTH OF RAYMOND LUXURY-YACHT
* *** ***** * FILES DECEMBER 1990 [email protected]
===============================================================================

MEDICAL COLUMN
(And no, it's not a stupid joke that goes something like:
M
E
D
I
C
A
L At least, I hope not. No, certainly not. We'll have none
of that el-cheapo humour here. Not unless I can't think
of anything else. Well, this joke seems to have been
completely spoiled; we'll return to it later.)

TELECOM AUSTRALIA PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT
Have you ever wondered how certain people manage to ring-up at the
most inconvenient moments? That's because they have been working on
a test project for Telecom. The result, which is now publicly available
is WRONGTIMEPHONE!
WRONGTIMEPHONE checks to see if the person you are about to ring
is in a position to answer the call, and if so, aborts. WRONGTIMEPHONE
is especially engineered to ring up people when they are
- asleep
- just sitting down to dinner
- on the toilet
- in the shower
- doing the dishes, wearing those rubber-gloves that take 15 minutes to
wrench off
- in the garden, not quite out of earshot of the phone
- having sex
- watching the climactic bit of the latest mini-series
- just going out
- waiting for a very important (other) phone call
- desperately searching for a video-tape to record the latest video-clip
of their favourite band on the television

MEDICAL COLUMN
Recent research into peoples fears has revealed a number of new
phobias:
- Ticketphobia - the fear of losing your train-ticket when the
ticket-inspectors get on
- Humorphobia - fear of not being able to keep up with all the new
articles in rec.humor
- Phobiaphobia - the fear of being afraid of something
- VAXphobia - fear of Vax VMS commands
- Toxicphobia - fear of Toxic Custard Workshop Files (they can be vicious)
- Duckphobia - fear of ducks
- Hibiscusphobia - fear of malvaceous tropical plants
- Porkphobia - fear of pork - very common in Israel


WORDS OF WISDOM

University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society.
They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here
are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers.

"Talking... is like a dance..." A.Blucher 15/3/90
"Select one from the number of balls in your container" C.McCann 23/7/90
"Moses was a manager" H.Eisen 30/7/90
"I've got a bloody 'E'! What's that - a bowl
of goldfish? That's a bloody 'E'!" G.Faux 7/5/90
"The Great Wall of China was a massive exercise in management" H.Eisen 30/7/90
"Stimulating initially, but you can't keep it up forever"
R.Redpath on programming 6/8/90
"Take me to your owner" R.Redpath 31/7/90
"5 to 7 is a good size - a good size results in high
satisfaction" R.Bergmann on discussion group sizes, 1/10/90
"Languages... sounds a bit like sandwiches..." R.Redpath 31/7/90
"Don't abuse your pointer" A.Blucher on C programming 2/4/90

Feel free to send in any other words of wisdom from your lecturers, for
future publication here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This has been the TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES number 27. Hope you didn't
enjoy it. Complaints, comments, lecturers' quotes, back-issue requests etc
to [email protected]
Next issue on December 24th. Have a nice womble.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW AVAILABLE:
The "Discover Your Personal Hygiene" de-odorant gift-pack.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Seeing as you're all going away for Christmas, here, a little early, is
===============================================================================
Toxic====== === == ==== == ====== ==== ======== ===
Custard======= ===== ====== = = == ============== == === ====== ==
Workshop====== ===== ====== = = == ======= ==== ====== =
Files========= ===== ====== == ========= ======= === ======= ===
28============ ====== === == === ========= === ======= ==
21/12/90=======================================================================

Eight-five from Oscar Sierra, come in.

EIGHT-FIVE RECEIVING.

Reports of a man on the roof of number forty-seven Nicholas Street. Can
you deal please?

RECEIVED OSCAR SIERRA. INVESTIGATING NOW.

* * *

Whatcha got there, Quinnan?

FOUND 'IM ON A ROOF, SARGE.

Okay, bung him in an interview room, Inspector Sideburn wants to talk to him.

* * *

WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?

I wasn't doin' nothing

OH YEAH? ON SOMEONE'S ROOF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

Honest. Look, I was...

AND HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THOSE REINDEER UP THERE?

I wasn't doing any harm

OH YEAH? DO YOU KNOW THAT ONE OF THOSE REINDEER DROPPED A "DEPOSIT"
ON OUR SQUAD-CAR?

Well, you probably frightened him, with that siren and flashing lights.

THEN IT FELL THROUGH THE ROOF OF THAT FAMILY'S HOME.

Oh, I'm sorry.

YOU WILL BE PAL. THAT'S CRIMINAL DAMAGE. AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD
ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING THERE.

I was going down the chimney.

AH! BREAKING AND ENTERING!

No, it's not like that at all.

RIGHT. SO WHAT DID YOU INTEND TO DO DOWN THAT CHIMNEY?

I was going to go up to the kids' bedrooms.

ARE YOU SOME KIND OF PERVERT?

No, no. I'd go up to their beds, and...

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

leave gifts in their stockings.

DO WHAT?

I leave gifts in their stockings.

YOU DISGUST ME. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR TYPE IN PRISON?

No, no. Gifts. Presents. Toys.

WHAT KIND OF WEIRDO ARE YOU?

I give things to people.

YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THIS CRAP? YOU'RE TELLING ME, YOU COME ALONG
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, WITH SOME REINDEER AND A SLED, LEAVE THEM
ON THE ROOF WHILE YOU CASUALLY GO DOWN THE CHIMNEY. YOU MAKE YOUR WAY
UP TO THE CHILDREN'S BEDROOM AND PUT GEAR IN THEIR STOCKINGS?

Yes Inspector.

YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.

Oh, thank you.

YOU BELONG IN THE BLOODY FUNNY-FARM.
HEY... I DON'T SUPPOSE I COULD HAVE A NEW WALKIE-TALKIE?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFT SELECTIONS
- Lego (tm) Crucifixion scene model
- Santatrap - for all those annoying pests in your chimney
- Christmas music - features 100 songs to sing along with - get rid of
those relatives fast!
- For the socially aware person - woven wallet handcrafted by socially
downtrodden Indian lepers [NB. I'm not joking about this one]
- The ultimate for the Christmas shopper - Roboshop - will do all your
shopping for you next year; killing anyone who gets in the way
of *that* bargain.

* Over this Christmas, don't
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *** catch any incurable diseases.
Merry Christmas everyone, ***** Catch them on New Year's Eve
and a happy New Ear. ******* instead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********
| And we'll be telling you the
##### most FASHIONABLE diseases to
##### catch this January, next in
the TCWFthingy on 31st December.

This has been a Luxury-Yacht Production
1990 All socks reserved.
(can I stop now?)

_______________________________________________________________________________

Late, late, late, for an unimportant date
____ __ __ __
| | | | | | | | | | | | TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
|____ | | ____| | | | | | | | | NUMBER 29 - The New Year's
| | | | | | | | | | | | Notveryspecial. 31/12/90
| |____| ____| |__|__ | |__| |__| | * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Toxic Custard Workshop Files would like to wish you a
HAPPY NEW EAR!

Okay, okay, so it's late. But it's not my fault.
The absolute honest truth is that I was stuck in a ten-day-long orgy
that started at Christmas. It had nothing to do with the fact that
our computers went down unexpectedly. The only warning of this given
was on the logon message, which said
"This system will NOT be going down over the Christmas and New Year
break."
It still does, come to think of it. So much for System Managers; I take
back what I said in TCWF25.

And now, on with the file.

NEVER let it be said that I submit to blackmail. On the other hand,
when DEMANDS are made by certain parties in Texas...

"JULIUS CAESAR", Act 1, Scene 2
-------------------------------

[Enter Caesar, Antony, stripped for the course, Calphurnia, Portia,
Decius, Cicero, Brutus, Cassius, Casca, a Soothsayer, and after them
Marullus and Flavius with the communal gherkin, and a crowd estimated
by police to be at least ten thousand following.]

CAESAR: Calphurnia!

CASCA: Peace, ho! Caesar speaks.

CAESAR: Calphurnia, where the bloody hell are you?

CALPHURNIA: Here, my lord.

CAESAR: Stand you directly in Antonius' way,
When he doth run his course. Antonius!

ANTONY: Caesar, my lord?

CAESAR: What did that last line mean? Tell me, I can't remember.

ANTONY: I shall remember:
When Caesar says `do this', it is performed.

CAESAR: Get on with it then, and leave no ceremony out.

[Music, `Anarchy in the UK', by the Six Apistols]

SOOTHSAYER: Caesar man!

CAESAR: Ha! who calls?

CASCA: Shut the fuck up, all of ya!

CAESAR: Who is it in the press that calls on me?
I'll only talk to you if your not from a Murdoch paper.
Speak, Caesar is turned to hear.

SOOTHSAYER: Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR: What man is that?

BRUTUS: A thoothayer bidth you beware the idth of March.

CAESAR: Have you got a lisp, Brutus? Set him before me, let me see his face.

CASSIUS: Fellow, come from the throng, look upon Caesar.

CAESAR: Yo man, what's happenin' bro? Run that by me again.

SOOTHSAYER: Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR: He's drunk, let us leave him: pass.
Anyone got a dictionary there? Right. Look up ide!

CASSIUS: Icon... icosahedron, icterus,
ictus, I'd, id, ah! Ide - see id. Hmmm okay.
id, ide, ns. a fish of the same family as the carp, inhabiting
fresh water in Northern Europe.

CAESAR: "Beware the fish of the same family as the carp of March"?!?

BRUTUS: Methinkth he wath ath pithed ath a newt.

CAESAR: Well, all the same... Calphurnia! Cancel the fish-fingers tonight;
we'll call out for a pizza. C'mon; almost time to watch "I, Claudius"
on the telly.

[The procession leaves]
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

AND NOW, SWEET REVENGE...

TOXIC TRADING POST
24pin dot-matrix printer. Will swap for a stained glass window or an
example of 14th century sculpture. No cash! Call KS now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You have been reading TCWF 29, brought to you by the letters `M', `O',
`R' another `O' and an `N' for good measure. TCWF is a production of
the Toxic Children's Television Workshop. Comments, complaints,
back-issue requests etc to [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COMING SOON:
- We preview the game of January 15th between the Desertshield
Yankees and the Saddam Giants.
- The Sybok love-hexagon saga

ALL OR SOME OF IT OR EVEN MORE LIKELY, NONE, IN TCWF 30 - ON MONDAY 7TH JANUARY
IF THE SYSTEM DOESN'T GO DOWN AGAIN OOPS I WASN'T MEANT TO SAY THAT, NO NO NO
THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT

_______________________________________________________________________________

Life begins at 30

| | ' '
\ \ ` \ | ' / / '
` /
- _ ###### ###### ## ## ####### -
_ ## ## ## # ## ## - _
- ## ## ## # ## ##### -
- ## ## ##### ## - _
_ ## ###### # # ## -
/ ' Toxic Custard| Workshop Files ` \
/ ' Number 30|- 7/1/91 | \ `
' | | ` `

MEET THE K.G.B.
Following the spread of Glasnost throughout Europe, the KGB will open
its doors next week to the public for an open day. The new "caring"
KGB wants to show you how they are no longer trying to being the onset
of the demise of Western civilisation. Call into your local KGB
hideout today to find out more details. Or drop into an American
embassy or government office, go to a wall and shout into it that you
want more information into it (remember to say your address as well).
A coded leaflet written in invisible ink will be despatched to your
home by the next post.
During the KGB Open Day, you can see:
- the very latest in bugging equipment, now available for commercial use
- this winter season's umbrellas, all specially imported from Czechoslovakia
- new developments in high-velocity bullets
- for the kiddies - try out the torture chamber on your little sister!
Call now, on (**) ***-****

GALACTIC TELEPHONE COMMISSION - INTERPLANETARY DIAL DIRECT (IDD)
----------------------------------------------------------------
To Direct Dial: a. Dial 0029, the Intergalactic Access Code, then
b. the planet code, then
c. the country code, then
d. the area code, then
e. the telephone number.
For example, to call the Wangazoon people of Mantanjax 5 in the city of
Froz, dial 0029 - 207 - 17 - 213 - and the local telephone number.
Note that unless you speak Wangazoonian, you may need to purchase an
additional translator module.

Meanwhile, far away in the Andes, the author discovered a piece of parchment
which was found to contain none other than the telephone number he had been
looking for. With a hop, skip and an air-fare, he had arrived at a telephone
box, only to be greeted by a ten-foot-high raw carrot with a handlebar
moustache.
The carrot (which was later found to be made of extruded poly-vinyl
and glouro-wankizade) stood motionless, as he consoled it with a rather
large cricket bat (with a brick attached to one end). And burst into song
with the next bit:

SMILEY FASHION REPORT IN BRIEF
This Summer, short is IN!
So, get rid of your daggy old :-) 's, and start stocking
up on the new, dynamic :)

SPORT REPORT
And now a look ahead to the game of January 15th, between the
Coca-Cola Desertshield Yankees, and the Sadam Giants. The arena for
this showdown will be the Kuwaiti Football Arena, and despite the low
spectator turn-out expected, the worlds' press will be there to
report on the game.
There are threats that the game will be cancelled; rumours persist
that team coaches may organise a deal to split the prize trophy (The
Kuwait Cup) in two. But should the game go ahead, both sides are
confident of victory. We spoke to Yankees coach George Bush from his
club-house in Washington.
"We want that trophy, an' we sure as hell are gonna kick those boys
butts all the way back to their changin' room... And there ain't no-one
gonna stop us!" he said. He denied that there would be a repeat performance
of their last major tournament, when the Yankees lost to the Ho Chi Minh
All-Stars. "It'll only take us ten minutes to prepare, and then we'll be
ready for them."
The Giants coach was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman said
that "if the game goes ahead, we will step on their heads. That is OUR
trophy, and we also demand that the Arafat United Football Team be
re-awarded their the medal that was taken from them by Shamir Hotspurs."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This has been TCWF#30, a production of the Confederation of Citizens
against Volvo Parking-lights. Written in its entirety (except for the
letter `a' in the third paragraph) by Daniel Bowen. Complaints, comments
etc to [email protected] *NOW AVAILABLE* The Bestestestest
of Toxic Custard (Vol.1) - six-hundred and twenty-five lines of crap!
Just mail if you want it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

QUITE POSSIBLY COMING SOON TO TCWF:
- An entire joke written exclusively for the American market
- Othello and Desdemona have a minor domestic squabble over the VCR

--
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
[email protected] | you to pull over...
[email protected] | [Toxic Custard Workshop]

^
Please note, these addresses only valid until November 1991.
Thereafter, finger [email protected] to find me.
%
 
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