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Toxic Custard Workshop - #11 to #20


1000 LINES OF SIDE-SPLITTING BOREDOM
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
************************PARTS ELEVEN TO TWENTY******************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen [email protected])

______________________________________________________________________________

Desperation issue

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
_________________ ____________ _____________
! ! ! ! ! !_____________ Part 11
! !____________ !_______!_______! ! 24/9/90
T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S
*AS SEEN IN VNEWS REC.HUMOR!*
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
WHAT ARE YOU READING THIS FOR? THIS IS MEANT TO BE A NON-TEACHING WEEK! GO AWAY

SUDDENLY, THE AUTHOR COULDN'T THINK OF A GOOD PLOT, AND SO DECIDED TO RELEGATE
EPISODE ELEVEN TO BEING EXTREMELY UNFUNNY AND FILLING IT UP WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S
COMMENTS. WHAT A GREAT IDEA - LET OTHERS DO YOUR WORK! SOUNDS LIKE PSY192 AND
ADM130!

CRITICAL REVIEW:
WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT 'THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES'
(GENUINE QUOTES MOSTLY TAKEN COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT)

- "It was terrific. I thank God that I wore my corset, because I
think my sides have split" - Rowan Atkinson

- " I laughed till no more oxygen was available ..."
- The Mad Scribe

- "I can't really say any of your stories are funny ... I never
asked for them to be mailed to me ... monstrous files ... "
- Tom Wilson

- "Great! Great! Fantastic! Oh, it's so bloody marvellous, it makes
you want to throw up!" - James McCrettin

- "Look forward to the next installment" - Pina Mure

- "I liked it" - Arthur Dent

- "Please CONTINUE this masterpiece!" - Paul Beker, Georgia
Institute of Technology (G.I.T.)

- "This is sick" - Claudia Peralta

- "Dear readers, sorry, but this is the worst episode so far.
This one's about as good as INGRES at the moment. The next
one is better." - Raymond Luxury-Yacht

- "It's getting better all the time" - Paul McCartney

- "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha" - Neil Bruckner

- "Absolutely brilliant ... " - Piers Fletcher-Dervish MP

- " ... " - A. Hreb

- "I'm getting a little bored by this ... I have
managed to stay sane ..." - Katherine Ramsay

- "From you, I get the story" - Roger Daltrey

- "I wasn't ENTIRELY unamused." - Lance Lentz

- "The Toxic Custard Workshop is a totally brilliant
piece of literary work." (500 times) - Stuart Healey

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

TOXIC CUSTARD SURVEY#1 Please mail replies to VAC122G
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

1. How many people read your copy of TCWF (including you)?
A. One C. 400,000
B. Two D. None

2. What is your overall opinion of TCWF?
A. Brilliant D. Totally and utterly brilliant
B. Really brilliant E. Totally and utterly brilliant and it
C. Superlatively brilliant craps all over Rocket Roger

3. Name the most primitive species:
A. Lecturer C. Reader of TCWF
B. Author of TCWF D. Slug

4. Would you like to make a huge donation to the author of TCWF?
A. Yes

5. Which do you most prefer?
A. McDonalds C. Pizza Hut
B. Kentucky Fried Chicken D. A nice lively young sheep

NOW EXTRACT THIS SURVEY TO A FILE, EDIT OUT ALL BUT THE WORD "SHEEP",
PRINT OUT THAT WORD, CUT IT OUT AND STICK IT TO YOUR FOREHEAD WITH A RARE
VARIETY OF OUTER-MONGOLIAN SUPERGLUE.

I want to see lots of replies to this survey, and plenty of comments as well.
(That way the next time I run out of ideas I can use them the fob off these
gullible readers again.)

AND IF YOU THINK I'VE GOT PROBLEMS COMING UP WITH NEW JOKES, WHY NOT
CHECK OUT THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKET ROGER.
To subscribe, mail EDC981NBP2 on vx24.

_______________________________________________________________________________

VX24 USERS' BULLETIN Number 12 - 1/10/90
------------------------------------------
SUBJECT: New Vax Command
DEC have written a new program to make VMS error messages more readable. The
new code, called TRANSLATE, translates the error message into simple English to
aid with debugging and general use of DCL.
To make use of this new facility, the following command is used:
SET TRANSLATE /MODE=(type)
Where "type" is the type of error message you would like. Valid types are
detailed below, with examples.
As an example, suppose while copying a file, an error occurs-:
%COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found
The TRANSLATE utility will change this message to make it easier to read, in
the following ways.

VALID TYPES: SAMPLE OUTPUT:
------------ --------------

feminist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, That chauvinist pig VAX reckons you
don't even know the real filename. Try again, and show
this male pig computer that all wimmin can tell this
computer what to do!

hippy %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Oh no! Oh heavy heavy heavy. The
bad-vibes-ville uncool VAX can't find the file! Oh no,
what are you going to do now?

anarchist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Hey! The git VAX can't find the file!
Right on! Who needs files for copying anyway? Files
represent beauracracy and red tape! Let's take all the
files and stuff them up the computer's collective arse!

medieval %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The lord VAX cannot find thy file,
peasant. Thou shall provide thy full path name again,
lest thy head answers for it!

evangelist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, And yea! God's servant VAX was unable
to find your file. But if you believe in the power of God
evil Satan's forces SHALL put the file back. Donate $3000
to SYSTEM, get down on your knees, and try again.

suicidal %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. That's it, that
command was your life. Now go and kill yourself. But
remember to log out first.

bogan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, F***ing hell, c***! That stupid
mother-f***er of a VAX says it couldn't find the f***ing
file! Maybe it wasn't really called F***ER.TXT;2

pirate %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Required filename not found. So what
the heck, I'll copy the whole directory!

psychologist %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The computer's very inner soul has
rejected the concept of 'files' due to a bad experience
when the OS was a lower version number. All influenced,
of course, by the system manager's severe sexual
problems.

python-fan %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The file cannot be found! It's NOT
pining - it's passed on! This file is no more! It has
ceased to be! It's expired, and gone to meet it's maker!
This is a late file! It's not there! This is an EX-FILE!

management %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The VAX has initiated a CPU committee
meeting to determine whether or not this file can be
found. DCL will report the results in four weeks.

jargon %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, The total number of files retrieved
that are equivalent to the parameter specified in your
previous command is zero!

system-manager %COPY-E-INPFNOTFND, Input file not found. Now get really
angry and take it out on the poor pathetic grovelling
little users.

politician %COPY-E-INPFFND, Input file found. There have been no
errors that I am aware of. None at all.

IN THE NEXT VAX USERS' BULLETIN (3/10/90), FIRST OF A TEN PART SERIES
VX24 user Katherine Ramsay tells us how to repair a serial-port, in 132 easy
steps.

Raymond Luxury-Yacht
System Manager, TOX12
[email protected]
-----------------------------

_______________________________________________________________________________

How to disgust people

/ \ / / /\ / / / \ / / /\ /\ /\ FEEDBACK HAS
/\ \/\ \/ /\ \ \ \/ \ \ \ \ \ \/\ /\ \/\ \/_ \ \ BEEN RECEIVED
\ \ \/ \ \/ /\ \ \/ \/ \/ / \ \ \ \ \/ FROM ONLY A FEW
PEOPLE. SO, TO
\ TO RAISE A FEW
\ \ /\ /\ / / \ /\ /\ / / / \ COMPLAINTS.....
\ \/ \ \ \/_ \/_ \/\ \/\ \ \ \/ \/ \ \ \/ \/\ \ Demonic Part 13
\/ \/ \ \ \ \ / \ \/ \ \ \ \/ \/ / * 3/10/90

*********WARNING: DO NOT READ THIS EPISODE IF YOU ARE OFFENDED EASILY!*********
This later part episode contains foul language and explicit sexual references.
(Now I bet everyone will read it).

INTRODUCING
####### @@@@@@ **** ]]]] %%%%% &&&& ???? > > $$$$$$ !!!
# # # @ * * ] ] % % & & ? ? > > $ !!!
# # # @@@@@@ * ]]]]]] %%%%% & & ? > > $$$$$$ !!!
# # # @ * ** ] ] % % & & ? ?? > > $
# # # @@@@@@ ***** ] ] %%%%% &&&& ????? >>>> $$$$$$ !!!
THE WORLD'S LEAST KNOWN AND LEAST LOVED HEAVY METAL BAND.

Weeze at Megabogue are comin up wiv a new all bum, called "Abbey Bogue". So
weeze all had a groop confa rence, an Slasher (the intellectal of the ban)
decided we shud do sum more sons, and shud send along some fotoes for the
allbum cova.
Followin is a brief intro and summmary of the memers of the ban-:
SLASHER RISTS - the intellectual of the ban (heese got an IQ of over
50) - and the drummer (that's puttin all his intelectt too good use.)
BONK MEE - poet and lyriciss of the ban. Sum of his proze appars in dis
letter, witch only gose to demonsate his abilitee. He plays base (because its
only got 4 strings) and shouts allot.
HARRY "HEADBANGER" WALL - Ace leed guitarist with Megabogue. His
alltime guitar influences are: John Bonham, Keith Moon, Charlie Watts, and
Ringo Starr. He allso rights sum of the lovely wistfulll, lilting melodys, such
as that haunting ballad "Why don't u come and suk on my torpedo of love, baby?"
VIMMY "THE THORN" HALEN - Skilful rithm guitariss of Megabogue, whoose
rithms have been likened to that of a Jak-hammor. Wunce wanted to be Anguss
Yung but didnt hab the necesery skil, and besides, heed burnt his old skool
uniform.

Megabogue's lilting melodies portray their iconoclastic view on the
current state of society and humanity's place within. Their meaningful and
surrealistic lyrics bypass the usual conventional restrictions of rhyming and
portraying obseletist ideals of melodic structure.
(RIP ORF-SEVERELY)
(Our manager rote that, but we don't
like it, cos we dont understaand it, but we
don't wont to effend anyone).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MEGABOGUE'S NEW ALBUM, "ABBEY BOGUE", IS ON THE "LABEL" LABEL.

NOW, HERE ARE THE WORDS TO THE MEGABOGUE HIT SONG, THE HAUNTING BALLAD "WHY
DON'T U COME AND SUK ON MY TORPEDO OF LOVE, BABY?" BE WARNED, THIS WILL
PROBABLY DISGUST YOU.

VERSE 1:
Arggggh
I am like a submarine
'Cos I got a f***in' huge torpedo
I am like a submarine
'Cos I got a f***in' huge torpedo

CHORUS:
Why don't you, why don't you, why don't you
Come and suk, come and suk, come and suk
On my torpedo ... torpedo ... torpedo
Of love, baby?

VERSE 2:
I am a submarine
And you are an enemy ship
'cos the f***in' torpedo's going right in ya
And you're gonna explode

CHORUS

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, if we have any readers left after that completely and utterly disgusting
display of text, part fourteen will be out on Monday 8th of October.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

APOLOGY:
We really must apologise for the publication of the lyrics above, but if the
only way to encourage reader feedback is to disgust them, then so be it.

And if you thought this was mindless and a bit sexist, wait until you read the
next episode of ROCKET ROGER!!! To unsubscribe, mail EDC981NBP2.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Let us pray.

THIS WEEK'S READING IS FROM THE BOOK OF TOXIC, CHAPTER 14.

1 The holy users of the Lord Vax did loggeth on. And they did see the horror of
the monstrosity that had appeared in their directories. Yea, it was fourteenth
part of the holy Toxic Custard Workshop Files. TOXIC 14:1

2 And the users did despair, for their directory quotas had filled up with this
crap. For most of them were lowly first-years, and had but five hundred of the
blocks. TOXIC 14:2

3 And the second years did laugh, for they did know, not that they wanted to
crow about it or anything, that they had seven thousand of the blocks available
to them. TOXIC 14:3

4 But they did despair, when they checked their budgets, and did findeth that
all the hooning around on News and with Mail had diminished the holy figure of
logtime. TOXIC 14:4

5 Meanwhile, the author of the holy book of Toxic did weep, for he had run out
of jokes, and had to resort to Biblical scripture once more. TOXIC 14:5

6 And yea! He did racketh his brains for new and funny ideas. But he didn't
come up with any, so he resorted to... TOXIC 14:6

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - A-N-D- -N-O-W- -F-O-R- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE _ _ _ _ _ _ _
~|~ /\ \/ | / /\ | | \. _|_ |_| !_) /\ |\ | | !\! / {_ / \ !\|
| \/ /\ | \_ \_ |_| _| | / \ ! \ /__) |/ \_/ ! ! \_] {_ \_/ ! |
- - - - - - - - - - - - L-E-V-E-L- - -F-O-U-R-T-E-E-N- - - - - - - - - - - - -

The party made their way slowly down the corridor. Leading was Raftor the
Brave, followed closely by Roder the dwarf. Bringing up the rear were the
wizard Pyhus and Felonius, the group's thief. They came to a door, which marked
the end of the corridor. Raftor tried the door; it was locked. Felonius got out
his tools and went to work on the door, while Roder and Pyhus kept a look out.
Signalling that the door was now unlocked, Felonius nodded. Raftor kicked down
the door and burst into the room with sword at the ready, the others closely
following.
From the light given off by the wizard's magic lantern, Raftor made out the
shapes of five goblins with daggers at the ready, attacking.
Suddenly, a booming voice said "Roll for initiative!" and two giant dice
came tumbling down squashing Felonius and two goblins. The party of adventurers
had gained initiative, and Raftor attacked first. A huge twenty-sided die came
crashing down in the corner flattening the remaining goblins. As the remainder
of the party gathered around the crumpled body of the fallen thief, two giant
hands descended, and grabbed the huge dice. The booming voice spoke out once
more: "That's enough for this session. See you all on Wednesday."

AND NOW FOR THE NAZI-NEWS WEATHER FORECAST FOR MONDAY THE EIGHTH OF OCTOBER.
Seig heil! And now, here is your racially pure forecast for superior German
areas of occupation! In the concentration-camps, there will be heavy
anti-semitism, with many executions in the later part of the afternoon. On the
Eastern front, there will anti-Russian feeling amongst the troops, blowing over
to heavy bayonetting tomorrow. Around Dresden, there will be heavy falls of
schweinhund Allied bombs most of the day. And finally, here in inner Berlin,
the anger of the Fuhrer will rise, with a low tonight of frustrated murmurs up
to a high tomorrow of carpet digestion.

Raftor the Brave went on to change his name to Roger the Sexist, and star in
ROCKET ROGER, available now for only four-hundred million dollars from
EDC981NBP2. Hey, that makes it cheaper than a complete D&D set!

_______________________________________________________________________________

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
We regret to announce that God ran out of
money last Saturday, and that due to this,
all non-essential services will close-down
from midnight Thursday Morning. These
include your local sun; which means that
all life on Earth will cease to exist.
Although a resolution for extra funding is
being worked out, no guarantee that life
will continue can be made.

The Management

BUT HEY, CHEER UP! IT'S
___ _ _
|OXIC |_USTARD |_|_|ORKSHOP |-ILES

PART 15 10/10/90

WRITTEN BY RAYMOND LUXURY-YACHT

(cue theme music)

|
_________________________________|___|________________________________________
__**________|\_______|\______|___|___|___**___|________|__|___**_______|______
__|____**___|___|\___|___|\__|___|__**___|____|___|\___|__|___|___**___|______
__|____|___**___|___**___|___|__**______\|___**___|___**__|___|___|___**___|__
_______|_______**_______**___|___________________**_______|_______|_______**__
And now it's time for the Tox-ic Cust-ard Work-shop It's Brill-i-ant!

___ ___ __ __ ___
/__/ / / / /_/ /\ / /_ \ /\ / /__ ISSUE 15
/ \ /__/ /__ / \ / \/ /__ \/ \/ ___/ 10/10/90

AMPUTATION FOR MEGABOGUE DRUMMER!
Ace Megabogue drummer Slasher Rists was injured last night in a 95 car
pile up, which left him in serious condition in hospital. Doctors this morning
were forced to amputate his legs and arms.
A spokesman has said that Slasher will be continuing with the band. "He
will bang the drums with his head, and other appendages", he said.
Megabogue guitarist Bonk Mee commented on the situation. "Yeah, we don't
mind him continuing to bang... if he uses his head, it only enhances our image
as a bunch of headbangers."
Vimmy Halen, the artistic member of the group would not comment, and all
Harry Wall would say to waiting reporters was "Why don't you all just f***
off", before assaulting three photographers and a TV news crew with a kitchen
knife and an armoured-car.

--M-E-G-A-B-O-G-U-E--------F-E-A-T-U-R-E---------------------------------------
HERE FOLLOWS AN EDITED TRANSCRIPT OF DIALOGUE AT A MEGABOGUE REHEARSAL SESSION.
MEGABOGUE, LIKE MOST HEAVY-METAL BANDS HAVE VERY LOW IQs, WEAR EXTREMELY STUPID
TROUSERS, AND SWEAR A LOT. ANYONE WHO WANTS THE UNEXPURGATED VERSION FILL IN
THE *'S YOURSELF.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

<The scene: a field with fairly large loudspeakers>
BONK: What I want to know is, what the f*** are we doin' here?
VIMMY: Yeah!
SLASHER: Well, what the f***'s it look like, c***?
[Bonk and Vimmy look around at the speakers and guitars slowly.]
BONK: No f***in' idea.
VIMMY: Dunno.
HARRY: We're f***in' here to play a f***in' song, c***!
[Bonk looks around him again.]
BONK: You f***in' sure?
SLASHER: Yeah, we f***in' are!
BONK: Why?
HARRY: 'Cos we're a f***in' rock band, aren't we!
BONK: (incredulous) Are we?
SLASHER: Oh shit, let's just f***in' play.
BONK: Oh okay.
[Bonk rushes over, grabs a guitar and starts violently playing (bogan
style). But the amplifiers aren't on, and no sound comes out. He looks
puzzled, but the rest of the band get their instruments and turn on
the amps.]
HARRY: Do we need to tune up? Nah - we did that last week. Right, yer
f***in' ready? 4 3 2 1
[As soon as the first note is struck, both speakers explode. When the
smoke clears, all four band members are left on the ground.]
VIMMY: F***in' hell. Power chords, man.
HARRY: Yeah. F***in' heavy metal mass destruction!
BONK: How the f*** are we gonna play with no speakers?
SLASHER: Dunno, but at least we don't need no more f***in' roadies.


Want to see the great cover of Megabogue's new album "Abbey Bogue"? And you
could meet ace-Megabogue drummer Slasher Rists! Just ask Raymond Luxury-Yacht!

CAN'T THINK OF A FUNNY PLUG THIS TIME, SO...
If you want to read ROCKET ROGER, mail EDC981NBP2.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Sweet sixteen

THE TWICE-WEEKLY==||== ||==|| || || || ||== Volume 1, Number 16
|| || || === || || 15th October 1990
|| ||==|| || || || ||==
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

COUNTRY NEWS:
The RSPCA was called to an incident on a dairy-farm near Bendigo over
the weekend. Apparently due to last week's Victorian milk-strike, many
cows on the farm have not been milked since early last week. When cows
are not milked, the milk builds up inside them and they expand, until
the inevitable happens - they explode.
This is apparently quite a site to behold, and TV news crews
rushed north over the weekend to see if they could film a cow
exploding for their evening news services.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

EDITORIAL
Hello. This is the author here. Now, you may think that you are reading this on
or about the 15th of October 1990, but I have a horrible secret to reveal. This
file is NOT LIVE! Yes, I'm afraid that the Toxic Custard Workshop Files are
TYPED several weeks in advance. In fact, it is 9:36pm Aust EST on Friday the
28th of September! So, you're thinking, that's why he didn't rave about who won
the AFL Grand Final, or how Saddam Hussein tongue-kissed George Bush at their
summit meeting. Oh? They didn't have a meeting? Oh, I must have dreamed that.
Right. Well, now my conscience is relaxed (despite my imagination being round
the twist), on with the funny bits. Stuff it, I'm not in a funny mood tonight
(two and a half weeks ago.) Why not recycle some old stuff (again). Naaah. Now
that would be really dishonest. But why stop now? Tell you what, how about some
new stuff on an old (mid '70s) theme?


AND NOW A SPECIAL APPEAL FOR DONATIONS.

It is a sad fact in today's world that a frightening number of male university
lecturers dress unfashionably. For example, we surveyed a random sample of 153
male lecturers.
27% had long shirt collars
5% wore flares
32% said that they always wore brown
46% admitted to wearing skivvies more than three days per week
29% had beards but no moustaches

When asked when they last purchased clothing
11% hadn't this year
22% hadn't in the last two years
35% hadn't in the last five years
16% couldn't remember

But perhaps the most frightening statistic of all was the trouser department.
87% were wearing corduroy trousers, 76% of which were brown

This is a deplorable situation, which can only be solved by donations of
clothing, money and fashion magazines. THESE PEOPLE NEED YOUR HELP NOW!

And remember:
"Jumpers are clothing's way of
telling you to pull over...."

THE PROCEEDS OF THE FOLLOWING COMMERCIAL SPACE HAVE BEEN DONATED
TO THE "LECTURERS IN NEED OF A CLOTHING TRANSPLANT" APPEAL.
____________________________________
/ \
| Life ... is brought to you by Coke |
\____________________________________/

AND NOW A QUICK COMPUTER JOKE
" Life's a batch, then you DIR "

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Wasn't really very funny at all, was it? No. Fair enough. Maybe when I write
the next episode I'll think of something funnier. THAT'S RIGHT FOLKS, NEW
IMPROVED TOXIC CUSTARD 17 OUT ON 17TH OCTOBER.

ROCKET ROGER. SUBSCRIBE. EDC981NBP2. JUST DO IT, OKAY?@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@was actually wrong was that the screw that made t connection from the modem plug to the serial port was missing
therefore there wasn't a strong connection
therefore the modem would not work.
NEXT WEEK KATHERINE FINDS A DISLODGED WIRE ON THE MOTHERBOA@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

_______________________________________________________________________________

****** ***** ********* ****** ******* ******** ********
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
*** *** *** *** *** *** ******* ******* ********
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
****** ***** *** ****** ******* ******** *** ***

****** ********************
****** ********************
****** ******
****** ******
****** ******
****** ******
****** ****** THE TOXIC CUSTARD
****** ****** WORKSHOP FILES#17

Hello, good evening, and welcome to the seventeenth of
October. And it looks like being one of the best
seventeenths of October for some years. Our experts have
been checking the records, and if their indications are
anything to go by, this could be the greatest seventeenth
of October since that memorable `October Seventeen' in
1957. Even the great 17/10/63 will pale in comparison to
today. The Guiness book of records section of October the
seventeenths lists ten classics, and from the looks of it,
this will rank among the top three.

So, to celebrate what must certainly be the finest October
17th in at least a decade, the first joke of episode 17 of
THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES will be in STEREO (where
available).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TCWF STEREO TEST TRANSMISSION EP#:17 TX DATE:17/10/90 JOKE#:1

TESTING 1 2 3 CHANNEL#1 OK TESTING 1 2 3 CHANNEL#2 OK

Joke#1: Joke#1:
"I need a new friend. The "I need a new friend. The
old one has a puncture." old one has a puncture."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Well, so much for the test stereo transmission, now back to the
ummm.. jokes. The following letter was written by a reader who
wishes to remain anonymous.

"You know, people often tell me how lucky I am, being God. But you
know, being a deity isn't all it's cracked up to be. For instance,
the hours are terribly long, and if you make one wrong move,
millions of people whinge for months afterwards. Take that Salman
Rushdie thing.

Now, three days after `The Satanic Verses' came out, I was
intending to blast him with a lightening bolt, just for a bit of
fun, and to make the Christians panic. But whammo, I missed (had a
bit too much holy water that night), and hit a chemical factory in
Altona, Melbourne instead. Terrible mess. The Muslims were furious.
Nobody in Melbourne minded though. Par for the course apparently.

Anyway, the conditions are awful. Ever tried answering prayers from
four million people at once? It got a bit easier when the answering
machine was installed, but with population growth being so high,
soon I'll need a whole switchboard. And the pay is atrocious. I
haven't had a wage rise since 4000BC! And there's no chance of
promotion. I've reached the top of the heap, you might say.
Still, I s'pose it could be worse. At least I've got my American
Express Gold Card now. And everybody knows my name..."

___ ___ __ __ ___
/__/ / / / /_/ /\ / /_ \ /\ / /__ ISSUE 17
/ \ H/__/E /__A / \D /L \/ I/__ N \/E \/ S___/ 17/10/90

- MEGABOGUE IN SATANIC BACKWARDS SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE SCANDAL! - Details in a
later issue
- Megabogue, following the amputation of drummer Slasher Rists' arms and legs,
are considering changing their name to "Lef Deppard".
- Popular bands Them and the Kinks have merged to form "Thinks". A merger of
their two most popular songs has also been agreed on. The combined version
of "Gloria" and "Lola" will have a new chorus which goes "G L O L A".
Following this, the new band will launch it's own soft-drink - "Glola
Cola".

COMING SOON TO THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES-
- The jeally funny Jomeo & Ruliet roke
- The not quite as funny gardening joke
- A blatant plug for Rocket Roger (see below)

YES THIS IS THE BLATANT ROCKET ROGER PLUG ALL WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS EVEN
THOUGH THERE'S NOT MUCH POINT IN SUBSCRIBING NOW 'COS THE LAST EPISODE IS
TOMORROW, SO DON'T EVEN BOTHER, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING I KNOW SOMEONE WHO
RECKONS IT'S NOT VERY GOOD ALTHOUGH I DISAGREE WITH THAT, MAINLY 'COS THE
AUTHOR (THE MAD SCRIBE) IS HOLDING A RATHER LARGE GUN TO MY HEAD AND ANYWAY, I
FOUND SOME OF IT QUITE FUNNY ESPECIALLY THE BIT ABOUT GERIATRIC MUTANT NINJA
TURTLES ANYWAY IF YOU WANT THE VERY LAST LAST LAST AND FINAL EPISODE MAIL
EDC981NBP2 THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

______________________________________________________________________________

MONASH UNIVERSITY REF: T18-221090
FACULTY OF TECHNOLOGY
ELECTIVE SELECTION FOR 1991

Due to the amalgamation of Chisholm Institute of Technology and Monash
University, a number of new elective options have become available to students
at the Caulfield and Frankston campuses. Brief details of some of these are
given below. They are available to students in the following courses:
Bach of Applied Science (Computing) (BP)
Bach of Applied Science (Computing) / Bach of Business (Accounting) (BJ)
Bach of Applied Science (Digital Technology) (BR)
Students in other courses may also be able to join these subjects. They should
enquire at their school administration office. Electives will be formally
selected during re-enrollment for 1991.

SUBJECT SUBJECT
CODE DESCRIPTION
------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------

ADM130 Spouting managerial bullshit
AUS401 Filling in Austudy application forms
AUS402 Guessing when Austudy payment day is
AUS403 Spending all the Austudy the day the payment comes through
BOO182 Queueing up in the campus bookshop
BOO203 Working out when to bring monumentally heavy books to tutes
CAR383 Finding car-parking spaces within a mile of the campus
ENV173 How to budget an environmental lobby group on $75,000 a year
EXA323 Looking over people's shoulders in exams
EXA327 Falsifying exam results
FTP707 Finding really good FTP sites to download from
GIF392 Viewing GIFs in public terminal rooms
HIP371 How to financially manage a commune without getting all commercial
and heavy but also without running out of bread
ING438 Crashing Ingres
LEC301 Insulting lecturers 1 - clothing part I
LEC302 Insulting lecturers 2 - clothing part II
LEC303 Insulting lecturers 3 - speech impediments
LEC304 Entering lectures late without being noticed
LEC305 Leaving lectures early without being noticed
LEC310 Advanced lecture skipping
LEC311 Paper-plane construction
LEV501 Style on campus
LIB202 Dodging the library alarm system
LIB203 Queueing up for photo-copiers
LIF274 Falling down lift-shafts
LES201 Lesbian Rollerskaters' Workshop
MET210 Dodging ticket collectors
MET211 Getting to uni when there's a train strike and an assignment's due
MET212 Train arrival estimation
MET213 Bus arrival estimation
MET214 Tram arrival estimation
MET215 Giving up and getting a taxi
MTY231 Monty Python quotes
MTY331 Advanced Monty Python Quotes
MUS372 Arguing over music 'cos they were really shit hot in concert honest...
MUS373 Turning on the radio and oh no, it's bloody INXS `Suicide Blonde' again
PHO505 Justifying long phone conversations
PHO506 Justifying long modem sessions
PHO511-520 Getting your modem working 1-10
PHO521 Configuring the terminal
PHO522 Finding a dial-in line that works
PHO523 Finding a dial-in line that's not engaged
PHO524 Giving up on the 1200/2400 lines and dialling a 300 baud line instead
PHO525 Waiting in VICNET queues
PHO526 Remembering your login password
PLN472 Thinking up imaginative .PLANs
PUB273 Beginners' pub brawling
TAX261 Tax evasion
PSY192 Spouting psychology bullshit
PSY193 Guilt without sex
PSY194 Psychopathic workshop
SIG373 Thinking up imaginative .SIGNATUREs
SFT112 Crappy Obselete Bloody Old Language programming
SFT291 Software piracy
SFT292 Finding the "quiet" option when playing games in public terminal rooms
SFT391 Introductory virus implementation
TER104 Finding a free terminal
TER105 Finding a free and working terminal
TOX018 Detecting when something serious looking is in fact Toxic Custard #18
TOX221 Gaining new subscribers by mailing to random people (what me? never!)
UNX111 Trying to make sense of Unix commands
UNX112 Filling up your disk quota
VAX302 Using up your VAX budget 1 - PHONEing people in the next room
VAX303 Using up your VAX budget 2 - MAILing out garbage to lots of people
VAX304 Pleading with system administation for an extension of your Vax budget

All right, all right. It's only the TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP impersonating
a very important Monash University notice. Well, I had to think of something...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You probably already know this, but to subscribe
to this wacky boringness, mail VAC122G
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

_______________________________________________________________________________

Give me a T! Give me a C! Give me a W! Give me a...no This issue
############## ############ ## ## ############## features new
## ### ## ## ## ## ` Double -
## ## ## ## ## ############# Spacing', to
## ### ## ## ## ## make it seem
## ############ ####### ## longer.
T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S
E P I S O D E N - N - N - N I N E T E E N 2 4 O C T 1 9 9 0
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

*THE FOLLOWING BIT IS PROUDLY SPONSORED BY W. SHAKESPEARE INTERNATIONAL PLC*

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

WHAT?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon

IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!

Who is already sick and pale with grief

WILL YOU PISS OFF - WE'RE TRYING TO SLEEP

That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she

I'M WARNING YOU, IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP...

Be not her maid, since she is envious.

I'M GONNA COME DOWN THERE, AND SMASH YOUR BLOODY FACE IN

Her vestal livery is but sick and green

WILL YOU PUT A BLOODY SOCK IN IT?

And none but fools do wear it: cast it off

I'M GOING TO CAST YOU RIGHT OFF THIS BALCONY IF YOU'RE NOT CAREFUL

It is my lady, O it is my love

LOOK, ONE MORE STANZA OUT OF YOU AND I'LL CALL THE POLICE

O that she knew she were

HELLO, POLICE?

She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?

THERE'S THIS BLOKE OUTSIDE

Her eye discourses: I will answer it.

HE'S BABBLING ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER... SOME GIRL HE GOT INTO TROUBLE

I am too bold: 'tis not to me she speaks.

PROBABLY A STUDENT - YES... HIGH AS A KITE NO DOUBT, OR DRUNK LIKE THEY ALL ARE

Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,

WELL, HE'S GOING ON ABOUT STARS IN THE HEAVENS OR SOMETHING

Having some business, do entreat her eyes

THANK YOU OFFICER.

To twinkle in their spheres till they return.

RIGHT! THE POLICE ARE COMING. NOW WILL YOU SHUT UP?

What if her eyes were there, they in her head?

SHUT THE F*** UP!

The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars

OH GOOD. HERE THEY COME.

As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven

RIGHT, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM

Would through the airy region stream so bright

WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING THE NOISE DOWN, SIR?

That birds would sing and think it were not night

WELL I'M AFRAID IT IS NIGHT SIR, SO COULD YOU BE A BIT QUIETER?

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand!

OR I SHALL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE STATION

O that I were a glove upon that hand,

RIGHT SONNY, THAT'S ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT

That I might touch that cheek

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR A BREACH OF THE PEACE

Let go of me arm, pig!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Next in the literary splendour of Shakespeare's Workshop Files-:

- Romeo And Juliet - A Court Case

- we ask the question - just what compensation did Lady MacBeth receive?

- And we follow Richard the Third in his search for a chiropractor.

Okay, so this episode was a bit short, but it's not size that ... yeah okay...

Gasp! As ROCKET ROGER rescues Juliet from the seven-headed
monster of Blaargenwurst. Subscribe now. Mail EDC981NBP2. Oh,
it's finished. Sorry, DON'T SUBSCRIBE! But you could order the
back-issues... Damn, what a waste of a brilliant plug.

_______________________________________________________________________________

Romeo Montague, you are charged that on or about the early morning of the
twenty-fourth of October 1990 you were found to be drunken in charge of a
Shakespeare tragedy.

BUT MEANWHILE
Live and direct via satellite from Melbourne Australia, it's....
T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S
### ########### ############# ###
### ### ### ### ### ###
### ### ### ### ### ########
### ### ### ### ### ###
############### ########### ### ### ############
N U M B E R T W E N T Y 2 9 T H O C T O B E R 1 9 9 0
W R I T T E N B Y R A Y M O N D L U X U R Y - Y A C H T

EXTRA! EXTRA!
Shakespeare spoof receives critical acclaim! Follow-up promised for next
episode, says gullible author! That's right folks, look out for it this
Wednesday! But for now, bust your gut with

___ ___ __ __ ___
/__/ / / / /_/ /\ / /_ \ /\ / /__
/ \ /__/ /__ / \ / \/ /__ \/ \/ ___/

Heavy-metal band Megabogue are being sued for allegedly having subliminal
messages in their latest hit "Why Don't U Come And Suk On My Torpedo Of Love,
Baby?" from the forthcoming "Abbey Bogue" album. When played normally even the
lyrics are completely incomprehensible.
But former Megabogue fan the Reverend Skilbey claims that when the record
is played backwards at a speed of 58rpm precisely, the following sinister
messages can be heard:
"God sucks and the devil is a really cool dude."
"Send all your money to PO Box 463, GPO Jamaica now!"
"You're a real f***head - I reckon you should go and kill yourself
right now!"
"Honestly Satanism rules, 'cos all priests are wankers."
"Shit Harry, you shouldn't have said that, they'll take us to court."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

WELCOME TO AUTOBANK. PLEASE INSERT YOUR CARD.

Hello.

PLEASE ENTER YOUR P.I.N.

We've come with a message from God

PLEASE SELECT FUNCTION

We'd like to share the experience with you

PLEASE SELECT ACCOUNT TYPE

Everyone should hear our message

PLEASE ENTER AMOUNT AND PRESS `OK'

Or the whole of mankind is doomed!

TRANSACTION BEING PROCESSED - PLEASE WAIT

If our message to the world is ignored, all will end up in hell!

REMOVE CASH AND/OR TRANSACTION RECORD

And Lord did say unto his people

WILL YOU BLOODY MORMONS PISS-OFF?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

LECTURERS IN NEED OF A FASHION TRANSPLANT APPEAL REPORT
Well, enough money has finally been raised to open a colour co-ordination
workshop at Monash University Caulfield Campus, an area very much in need of
these facilities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To subscribe, mail VAC122G Outside vx24, [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We'll be back with our special guest, Mr Macbeth, after a quick Tuesday...

--
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
[email protected] | you to pull over...
[email protected] | [Toxic Custard Workshop]

^
Please note, these addresses only valid until November 1991.
Thereafter, finger [email protected] to find me.
%
 
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